Seeing Spouse Differently…

ImBroken

Member
Hey fellow SOs - I have decided to make this a thread that I comment on - I just looked at the past two months and there were a lot of my avatars lined up and I don’t want to scare any others away - Who is this nutball crying out for help so often. So…back to the topic above.
Since D-Day, I am looking at and really seeing my spouse differently. Some good - most bad. I know that we are still soooooo early in whatever it is we are doing going forward.
Question for my fellow friends who are with an addict - Did you view your spouse or SO differently. What I mean by this is - do you physically or mentally see them differently. I definitely am!

Part of me sees a sad and tortured soul who just ran out of time and excuses with regard to his addiction. I feel pity.
Part of me sees someone I do not know and am not attracted to anymore. I think I am a bit blinded by the offense(s) - words like “dirty”, “gross” and “deviant” are some things that I think of when I look at him. This is a hard one for me. Thirty years ago - sexual attraction and looks were high on my check list for a spouse and he ticked all the boxes - 30 years and 30+ pounds, loss of hair, graying of hair have taken their toll…and I was able to look past those things because I remembered the man that I married - many times I would still see that man. Now - I see him at face value - I don’t know how to explain it…but I see him differently. Maybe its just a phase in this ongoing process.

For those who have gone before me - Sound familiar? Can it get better? Can it get worse? Does it ever - Jesus does it ever get back to some semblance of past normal?
 

ImBroken

Member
Jesus H Christ - the vows taken at marriage, when they were written, clearly did not take into account P or Sex Addiction. While he is in active recovery - I am back to feeling numb. I really wish I could just turn my brain off for a while. I find myself questioning every day of our 30+ year relationship. I really HATE to admit this - but this fucking addiction and his lies, secrets and devotion to P has wrecked me. I’m not as sad anymore - I’m nowhere near happiness - but now I am wondering how genuine those “happy times” were. THIS IS HARD. There are so many friggin’ resources for the addict and so incredibly few for the spouses or significant others.
Time completely sucks. There are absolutely no guarantees. Trust across the board is shattered. I get disheartened when I read long term significant others’ stories who still don’t trust their spouse after years of recovery.
I’m trying to take A LOT of time for myself - some of it is good - some of it is lonely. I have had a couple of opportunities to be unfaithful during his 50+ days of recovery - good for me ego. None of our immediate family knows of the details but they know there is trouble in paradise.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK - Why don’t these addicts realize that this can/does ruin their lives while they are actively in the addiction!!!!!
Now I feel like the asshole - I am not ready to say “I love you” back to him while he still says it to me - TBH I don’t know if I really do anymore. Had I known, or even had an inkling of his addiction earlier…I’m assured I would not be in the relationship now. NO THANKS - This shit is just too hard and too devastating. I’m a strong man who has handled lots - tragic loss, major deaths, other addictions and recoveries, etc. etc. - NOTHING even comes close for me to the fallout from P and Sex addiction. It has ruined so much - possibly beyond repair. And its Monday.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
now I am wondering how genuine those “happy times” were.
Been there done that.

Changed my wallpaper on my phone from him to a flower in my back yard, took down every picture in the house of us having a seemingly happy moment together. Each picture felt like a lie. It made me want to break things so I took them down.

It's been 8 months, and when I started typing this response I realized I can now put them back up, and I did, and it made me smile. I've considered putting them back up before but instantly knew I wasn't ready. I hope this feeling lasts. The one think about this betrayal is that it IS a roller coaster of emotion.
 
Jesus H Christ - the vows taken at marriage, when they were written, clearly did not take into account P or Sex Addiction. While he is in active recovery - I am back to feeling numb. I really wish I could just turn my brain off for a while. I find myself questioning every day of our 30+ year relationship. I really HATE to admit this - but this fucking addiction and his lies, secrets and devotion to P has wrecked me. I’m not as sad anymore - I’m nowhere near happiness - but now I am wondering how genuine those “happy times” were. THIS IS HARD. There are so many friggin’ resources for the addict and so incredibly few for the spouses or significant others.
Time completely sucks. There are absolutely no guarantees. Trust across the board is shattered. I get disheartened when I read long term significant others’ stories who still don’t trust their spouse after years of recovery.
I’m trying to take A LOT of time for myself - some of it is good - some of it is lonely. I have had a couple of opportunities to be unfaithful during his 50+ days of recovery - good for me ego. None of our immediate family knows of the details but they know there is trouble in paradise.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK - Why don’t these addicts realize that this can/does ruin their lives while they are actively in the addiction!!!!!
Now I feel like the asshole - I am not ready to say “I love you” back to him while he still says it to me - TBH I don’t know if I really do anymore. Had I known, or even had an inkling of his addiction earlier…I’m assured I would not be in the relationship now. NO THANKS - This shit is just too hard and too devastating. I’m a strong man who has handled lots - tragic loss, major deaths, other addictions and recoveries, etc. etc. - NOTHING even comes close for me to the fallout from P and Sex addiction. It has ruined so much - possibly beyond repair. And its Monday.
Good morning ImBroken. I used to run a website called LustCause.org. I used it as a blog about my experience with addiction, especially SA.
I had my wife write me a letter about how she felt, and it opened my eyes. Maybe you could do the same for your partner? I've changed the names ;)
Tim
You and I made a commitment together on January 16, 2009. While I took our vows seriously, you have somehow made a mockery of them by your antics. I have been fully devoted to you, our marriage, and our children for 13 years. Yet for the past twelve years, you’ve been devoted to sex outside of marriage, pornography, drug and alcohol use. I have deposited time and countless hours of energy into just you, making sure you had everything taken care of. Spending hours a day on hold with the VA just to make sure you had the right care, making sure you were getting the right treatment, all the while ignoring my physical and emotional health. What have you done for me to restore the physical and emotional health that you’ve taken for granted? This is just the beginning, Tim. You’ve lied to me constantly, even when I caught you, you still would lie about it. What kind of example have you set for our children, especially our son, who, one day, will be a husband and a father. What about our girls? What example have you left for them? I’ve had to cover for your sorry ass. I’ve covered for you too many times to protect your image as a father and husband. Remember, you left us; we didn’t leave you. You stepped out on us to chase your addictions. You left our daughters laying on the floor sobbing and our son in tears as you walked out. I had to pick up and try to fix the emotional baggage that you left to rot on the floor. You’re a coward for what you have done. What kind of man does this to his family? I can tell you, the kind that is selfish and has only his best interests in mind and not his family.
Tim, you’ve ripped apart my hopes and dreams for our family and what I thought was unity. Instead, you’ve divided the house. Our oldest won’t speak to you, won’t interact with you, and wants nothing to do with you because of your antics. You have single handily ruined your relationship with her and will probably never get it back. She was the one you cherished and loved so much, you and her had a connection like no other, yet you threw it all away. You have traumatized her and our whole family.
When will you understand the pain and heartache? The years of devotion I’ve put into us, yet so easily thrown away by your foolishness.

-Jill-
 

ImBroken

Member
@KetchupDrool - Thanks for sharing your wife’s letter - I can empathize with almost every single emotion. Not having kids - I doubt I would have been able to handle their trauma as well. I’m walking a fine line right now. I want to be supportive of his recovery - he is working incredibly hard. We are communicating by light talk - heavy duty emails - but I am being careful - I now don’t want to be a trigger for a relapse…he is an all or nothing type of guy. I guess I will forever be on a search for the WHYs - and it is a fact that addicts choose P or S over us - I’m blown away that the rationalizations I have heard thus far.
Seems to me like you have an incredible wife and family - fight for it - every day - every hour - with every fiber of your being. The fact she handled your VA care - that should give her sainthood just for that - Thank you for your service and I can only imagine the mindfucks you have experienced.
I wish you continued success in your recoveries - like you - I have long term sobriety in many - but man oh man - I was not prepared to deal with the fallout and devastation that P and S addiction brought to our home…crippled me.
 
I was not prepared to deal with the fallout and devastation that P and S addiction brought to our home…crippled me.
I meant to respond earlier but forgot about the thread, my apology.

I always equate addiction like a fishhook. Fishhooks have a barb on the end, that little pointy thing at the sharp end. This keeps the hook in the fish's mouth. If you file that down, the hook is easily tossed out.

Drug, alcohol, nicotine, or any other addiction minus porn and sex addiction has a single hook without the barb in it. Sure it's still hard to get free from those addictions, believe me, I know from experience, but it is possible because of the hooks' nature.

Porn and sex addiction are a whole different monster. I view it as a treble hook (three hooks attached to each other). These hooks each have their barb intact, making it extremely difficult and sometimes impossible to remove. Sex is everywhere, the woman in tight yoga pants, the woman on the billboard showing too much cleavage, you get my point. These two addictions, as you see from first hand, destroy the fabric of a spouse's belief system about who they are, how they view themselves, how they trust and love, and so forth.

I hope your spouse comes around and finds sobriety in all this.
 
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