Would someone please address these issues for me?

There are so many questions I have. How can you be with someone and not see them and not be with someone and "see" them? How can you touch someone and pretend that you are touching someone else? Isn`t it my body that you feel? How can you not feel me!? How can you not see me when I am the one that is right in front of you? How can you replace your wife physically when you`re having sex with her? Aren`t you just turning her into a living, breathing sex doll? Other than being a maid, landscaper, childcare, taxi, laundress and chef what was the purpose of the wife? Why was I kept around? It`s pretty obviouse now that I was nothing more than a convenience for him. I was a toy that was put on a shelf to be taken down and played with when he wanted and then put back to collect dust until the next time.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
How can you touch someone and pretend that you are touching someone else? Isn`t it my body that you feel? How can you not feel me!? How can you not see me when I am the one that is right in front of you?
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way.
Can I ask, what makes you think he was thinking about someone else, or not seeing you, has he expressed that to you?
 
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way.
Can I ask, what makes you think he was thinking about someone else, or not seeing you, has he expressed that to you?
Yes, he told me that for 25 years of our almost 26 years now he would fantasize that I was one of them. If he didn`t he couldn`t have any sex with me. It did take time to get to the point that it was everytime, but it has always happened.
 

STST

Active Member
Yes, he told me that for 25 years of our almost 26 years now he would fantasize that I was one of them. If he didn`t he couldn`t have any sex with me. It did take time to get to the point that it was everytime, but it has always happened.
I am guilty of this too, most of my sexual encounters/relationships that lasted longer than a week or two got to a point where it would be difficult for me to reach an orgasm, so, to save face, or to make them feel better, I'd have to imagine that I was with someone else, no matter how gorgeous they were.

It's honestly not on you. don't take it personally.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
@STST you are kind of assuming that our private intimate moments with our husbands or significant others are ok if they are thinking about a 20 year old buxom woman the have been masturbating to. I assure you we can tell the difference in our intimate moments when they are on porn. It is not the same. Usually (not always) there is a difference and sex frequency declines. The attention is not with us. What I did with my husband is we had sex eyes open, both of us. Then no fantasy. And we do take it personally. Our whole life we are expected to be a 19 yr old “10”. Toned and ready to go. So when nature takes it’s inevitable course, we are downgraded. It takes a lot of self confidence to be a woman. And when we have our guy for life, we assume we are “the one”. Very tacky to let videos and pictures be your love interest.
 

ImBroken

Member
@My husband is an addict - Oh how familiar your questions are to me. These are the questions that haunt me - and when asked - most of them don’t have an answer or one that is acceptable. As a man in a committed gay relationship - I may have different feelings/emotions/DNA/etc - but I had to get real with myself. Fantasy wise, I wandered during sex sometimes - not all the time - and not always about other people - sometimes destinations, times of day…
I’m not going to tell you to stop searching for answers - but do the point of reducing my spouse to tears - they don’t have some answers - or don’t have them yet. Its his addiction - I have to remember that - and maybe I am growing a bit - but his illness is not ALL about what he has done to me…Jesus, am I getting empathetic?
Remember - you are NOT alone - we are right there with you - you are helping ME.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
First, I want to say, I know The Crown is fictional. On the show The Crown last night, a situation arose. The Queen was talking to Prince Phillip and it was about their marriage. He did not want to talk, but the Queen did. He said they had grown in different directions. That he had given up many things to be with her, his family, his career etc. He then stated he had to seek companionship. There was a group that engaged in carriage driving and they had races and house parties etc. She asked questions and went further and then he stated he enjoyed the companionship of Penny. Penny is a relative by marriage and quite young. The Queen is shocked. She says people will talk. He says we’ll make her your friend then and they won’t. It is the next scene that is familiar to us as women. She is in a room, goes to the mirror and looks at her face. She lightly touches the wrinkles looking at what has happened with age to her face. Tears start to stream down her face. At that moment, I looked over to my husband and said, Men are lucky, they do not have to feel that pain. I had so much empathy for the Queen at that moment.
 
I am guilty of this too, most of my sexual encounters/relationships that lasted longer than a week or two got to a point where it would be difficult for me to reach an orgasm, so, to save face, or to make them feel better, I'd have to imagine that I was with someone else, no matter how gorgeous they were.

It's honestly not on you. don't take it personally.
How in the world can I not take that personally? It would have been better for him to just keep me completely out of his sex life if he was just going to use me like that!! If you can`t be with the person you are actually with, you shouldn`t be with anyone.
 
@STST you are kind of assuming that our private intimate moments with our husbands or significant others are ok if they are thinking about a 20 year old buxom woman the have been masturbating to. I assure you we can tell the difference in our intimate moments when they are on porn. It is not the same. Usually (not always) there is a difference and sex frequency declines. The attention is not with us. What I did with my husband is we had sex eyes open, both of us. Then no fantasy. And we do take it personally. Our whole life we are expected to be a 19 yr old “10”. Toned and ready to go. So when nature takes it’s inevitable course, we are downgraded. It takes a lot of self confidence to be a woman. And when we have our guy for life, we assume we are “the one”. Very tacky to let videos and pictures be your love interest.
You hit the nail on the head! It is very personal. It was MY body he was using to fulfill HIS fantasy. I was the one literally feeling the cold sex we were having. It wasn`t making love or connecting, it was just sex. I could feel when he was with me in the beginning and then over the years, I faded and I could feel that too. I just had no idea that he was replacing me one body part at a time until I wasn`t there anymore. I longed to be loved, to feel loved, but that wasn`t in him at the time. The only thing he could see anymore were the 4 teenagers he had become so dedicated to.
 
@My husband is an addict - Oh how familiar your questions are to me. These are the questions that haunt me - and when asked - most of them don’t have an answer or one that is acceptable. As a man in a committed gay relationship - I may have different feelings/emotions/DNA/etc - but I had to get real with myself. Fantasy wise, I wandered during sex sometimes - not all the time - and not always about other people - sometimes destinations, times of day…
I’m not going to tell you to stop searching for answers - but do the point of reducing my spouse to tears - they don’t have some answers - or don’t have them yet. Its his addiction - I have to remember that - and maybe I am growing a bit - but his illness is not ALL about what he has done to me…Jesus, am I getting empathetic?
Remember - you are NOT alone - we are right there with you - you are helping ME.
I am sorry that we are on a page like this. It`s so heartbreaking to know that so many people are going through this hell. He has the answers, he just isn`t ready or willing to give them yet in my opinion or maybe he really does just need to do more work to find them.

I NEVER left during sex with him or anyone else. I have always wanted to be with the man I was with, especially the man I have been married to for for almost 26 years now. Half of my life he was slowly replacing me and then became unable to even touch me at all, even to fantasize. How very sad that is..... Unlike some, (not saying you are) I do not want to cut him any slack and use that he is an "addict" as an excuse for him. I can`t do it. My pain is all too real.

I know that my husband has issues and he needs to continue to get help for them, but they were there long before me and I`m tired of paying for everything for him. It`s time for him to pay the bill. I have my own to pay. I am a strong, sexy, beautiful woman and I never deserved to be treated like I was a living sex doll so that he could have sex with teenagers. It is very personal to me...

You are not alone either, I am here and I`m glad that I can help someone even if I can`t help myself sometimes.... ;)
 
First, I want to say, I know The Crown is fictional. On the show The Crown last night, a situation arose. The Queen was talking to Prince Phillip and it was about their marriage. He did not want to talk, but the Queen did. He said they had grown in different directions. That he had given up many things to be with her, his family, his career etc. He then stated he had to seek companionship. There was a group that engaged in carriage driving and they had races and house parties etc. She asked questions and went further and then he stated he enjoyed the companionship of Penny. Penny is a relative by marriage and quite young. The Queen is shocked. She says people will talk. He says we’ll make her your friend then and they won’t. It is the next scene that is familiar to us as women. She is in a room, goes to the mirror and looks at her face. She lightly touches the wrinkles looking at what has happened with age to her face. Tears start to stream down her face. At that moment, I looked over to my husband and said, Men are lucky, they do not have to feel that pain. I had so much empathy for the Queen at that moment.
That is so true! They are allowed to get wrinkled, fat, bald, short, dress like they just rolled out of grandpa`s closet, but we are expected to be forever 18 with perfect bodies and baby skin! We should really start holding men to the same standard. I know that I have moved up my standard for my husband since Dday and they may just keep going up!
 

joepanic

Respected Member
That is so true! They are allowed to get wrinkled, fat, bald, short, dress like they just rolled out of grandpa`s closet, but we are expected to be forever 18 with perfect bodies and baby skin! We should really start holding men to the same standard. I know that I have moved up my standard for my husband since Dday and they may just keep going up!
This does not describe every man out there. I work hard to keep from being wrinkled and fat I am hoping I don't get bald as I try to live a low stress life (even though my wife is so driven that from time to time it can be stressful) I am not sure how one get's short.... and I do try to dress nicely and take care of myself. i don't expect my wife to look 18 and be perfect. I always preferred a natural look no matter what. Not all of us "men" be it porn addict of not are shallow
 

strongfuture89

Active Member
I think it is a very sensitive topic but I think I also understand what STST wanted to say. What your husband did all these years is very wrong, it is not something that should happen in a healthy relationship. Some men here would try to help you see their perspective on the situation, trying to help you see that you did nothing wrong. Personally I believe that watching some fetishes for years and years can change the way you think until it changes the things you will find attractive. When you dive deeper into p, you encounter new things and it leads to unnatural things, even things that you didn´t like. Some men here even got interested in the transsexual or monsters fetish, while they disliked it in the beginning. They don´t want their wife to become transsexual or an alien with tentacles, yet the sad thing is that after years it is the only fantasy that gives them an erection or orgasm. I´m not saying this to give a man permission to treat his woman like this; I just wanted to give my idea on what lies at the base of the mental illness of this new drug and how messed-up it is.
 
This does not describe every man out there. I work hard to keep from being wrinkled and fat I am hoping I don't get bald as I try to live a low stress life (even though my wife is so driven that from time to time it can be stressful) I am not sure how one get's short.... and I do try to dress nicely and take care of myself. i don't expect my wife to look 18 and be perfect. I always preferred a natural look no matter what. Not all of us "men" be it porn addict of not are shallow
I definitly know this is not all, but that is definitly how most men are. That`s why even Hollywood looks the way it does. The world in general holds us to completely different standards. Men are generally taught young that girls/women are nothing more than an object and porn makes it 10,000 times worse. Girls are taught that they are nothing more than their bodies. It`s a very sick and crazy world.
I`m happy to hear that you don`t expect your wife to be forever 18, but that is not the case for a lot of men.
Thank you very much for responding to my questions. I truly do appreciate every response. Even if I appear not to. It`s just extremely hard on this side.
I do have to say,
Isn`t being a porn addict in it`s self shallow? Since only porn can turn you on? I know my husband is very shallow and always has been. (been an addict for decades and didn`t know it) Now that he`s in recovery he see`s just how shallow he was. His word by the way. He is finally getting to be a deeper man, but shallow is what fit him to a T.
 
I think it is a very sensitive topic but I think I also understand what STST wanted to say. What your husband did all these years is very wrong, it is not something that should happen in a healthy relationship. Some men here would try to help you see their perspective on the situation, trying to help you see that you did nothing wrong. Personally I believe that watching some fetishes for years and years can change the way you think until it changes the things you will find attractive. When you dive deeper into p, you encounter new things and it leads to unnatural things, even things that you didn´t like. Some men here even got interested in the transsexual or monsters fetish, while they disliked it in the beginning. They don´t want their wife to become transsexual or an alien with tentacles, yet the sad thing is that after years it is the only fantasy that gives them an erection or orgasm. I´m not saying this to give a man permission to treat his woman like this; I just wanted to give my idea on what lies at the base of the mental illness of this new drug and how messed-up it is.
Thank you for trying to explain. I appreciate that. I know that rationally I did nothing wrong and it was all him. My problem lies in the fact that it is very personal. It was me that felt all of the pain and rejection while he had sex with himself and four teenagers. I`m sure that the teen part bothers me the most because I was sexually abused as a very young child for years and then again as a teen. I know what it is to look into the eyes of a predator. I am trying very hard to not see my husband as one of them. That`s why I`m hoping that someone can explain it to me in a way that I can understand. I do appreciate every response I get and I hope that I don`t come across as someone who doesn`t.

My husband has admitted that he did want me to be forever 18, so some men do want and/or expect their porn to be real. He didn`t "evolve" like a lot of men I guess. He found 4 teens, one at a time and then needed no one but them for years. He watched videos of them that were years old and didn`t even realize it. Two of them are the same ages as our daughter and son and one his niece. They are all very much adults now. He almost looked heart broken when I told him that his "girls" had grown up and weren`t kids anymore. That is so sad. I can`t imagine being him. To be so hurt that your fantasy girls have grown up is such a strange thing. If they were strictly fantasy, how could them growing up hurt you? Just to be clear, I would still be devastated by what my husband has done to me, but it would be much easier for me if he had been watching actual grown ups. I don`t care what anyone says, just because you hit a "legal" age, does not make you an adult or grown up. Most 18 year olds are dumb as a box of rocks. I know, I was one and times were much different then.

Anyway, two questions no one seems to be able to answer is, how can you not see someone you are literally with, but see someone that isn`t there???? How can you be touching someone and not feel them?

Again, thank you.
 

strongfuture89

Active Member
You are completely right about the Hollywood part and how porn makes it all so much worse. I´ve never been into the extreme plastic surgery women but when I see them now in real life (because I avoid all this sort of input from internet), I now feel even more sad for them. Just like how boys were taught that extreme plastic surgery was good, these girls went along to follow that idea, to the point that it looks so unnatural. Compulsive porn watching can really change the way you look at the world.

When you said that your partner was sad that those girls grew up to be adults, his ´fantasy´ was gone. His priority is having that fantasy of young girls, not who those girls are as a person, I think. When the world says that youth is better, it is very easy for the porn industry to take those things to the next level as they do with many other things. I´m so sorry for you that you are experiencing this, given the things you´ve experienced in your childhood. I really hope your husband can see how his fantasy is not only insulting but also trauma-triggering for you.
Once your neurons are hooked on those porn fantasies with pmo as we call it here, it becomes a very strong neural connection and your brain wants you to continue even when you should know it can be harmful to your loved ones. It´s why we are on rebootnation, when we notice that our loved ones are more important than fantasy. I wish you all the best!
 
You are completely right about the Hollywood part and how porn makes it all so much worse. I´ve never been into the extreme plastic surgery women but when I see them now in real life (because I avoid all this sort of input from internet), I now feel even more sad for them. Just like how boys were taught that extreme plastic surgery was good, these girls went along to follow that idea, to the point that it looks so unnatural. Compulsive porn watching can really change the way you look at the world.

When you said that your partner was sad that those girls grew up to be adults, his ´fantasy´ was gone. His priority is having that fantasy of young girls, not who those girls are as a person, I think. When the world says that youth is better, it is very easy for the porn industry to take those things to the next level as they do with many other things. I´m so sorry for you that you are experiencing this, given the things you´ve experienced in your childhood. I really hope your husband can see how his fantasy is not only insulting but also trauma-triggering for you.
Once your neurons are hooked on those porn fantasies with pmo as we call it here, it becomes a very strong neural connection and your brain wants you to continue even when you should know it can be harmful to your loved ones. It´s why we are on rebootnation, when we notice that our loved ones are more important than fantasy. I wish you all the best!
Thank you for your insight and thoughtful words.
 
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