50Sumthing
Member
So to cut a long story short, I cheated. I remember it well when I checked into the hotel, it was like I was looking at myself doing all this, it all seemed like a hazy dream... but I just kept going not to disappoint this complete stranger, while all the while knowing I should walk away now... I had time... but I didn't listen and instead I pretended it was the best day of my life, while in reality, I 100% knew it was a total mistake. We parted after we had done the deed.. I was as nice as pie, she suspected nothing either but I just wanted to get back home to my family. The next day I said we should never see or talk to each other ever again... she thought I was a prick and rightly so... I was fooling her as well as myself. A few months later when my family and I were away on a short weekend break I broke down and blurted out what I had done to my wife... the guilt I felt was overwhelming, plus I had started up a new chat with another woman and I couldn't help myself... maybe I blurted stuff out to create a massive event in my life so I could try and stop... stop all this self destruction of myself and my family and the woman I truly loved and adored. It was the toughest time in my life for sure... I was so good at hiding all this, that it was all a complete and utter shock... I begged and begged her not to leave me and after some time apart (still living in the same home and trying to keep all a normal as possible with my daughter) we started to rebuild our relationship. I went for addiction counselling but the big thing that helped me was Sex Addiction Counselling. That was a major turning point for me and I knew after one meeting and hearing other stories in the group that I was not alone in all this... others had experienced similar urges and even ended up going down darker paths. I wanted to get clean from all this nastiness, even evilness as soon as I could. It was a Twelve Step Programme... I don't thing I ever got past Step 1, but I got clean of my internet addiction, no more seeking out strangers on chatrooms, I even installed monitoring software on my computer so that my wife could feel safe that I was accessing porn and chatrooms... I started going for walks, runs to occupy my time and mind and it worked. I broke the vicious cycle of my porn habit. I left the Sex Addition group after about 1 year and my life started to get better... but when I lifted the software monitoring as it was playing havoc with my work day... not being able to access some websites if there was any hint of nudity... it was all overly sensitive... but it had to be on or off and I felt strong enough... so off it went. Our sex life resumed, and things were good... we were a once a week couple.. maybe twice or three times over the weekend as my daughter was young and wouldn't know or understand. But the stresses or work didn't go away, the stresses of money, recession and just the usual life stuff didn't go away, so one day I got soo stressed out I accessed a new glossy looking site called Porn Hub... before I got clean and when I was deep into my porn addition (let's call all that Wave 1) I used to go to many different websites, but this was a new, well designed, easy to use one stop shop type website... and it all started all over again... a few weeks/months later I was back to being a 2-3-4 times a day acting guy... but for this new Wave 2... I had new tools at my disposal, I had Incognito Mode (Chrome) or Private Mode (FireFox), now I could hide my addiction even better than before. And that's how it's been for years now. I'm 54 now and my wife is 49, our sex life has dwindled over the past few years... and this year we are about once or twice a year, that's a big drop from once or twice a week. My daughter is also 18 now and can hear any activity, this is very off putting for my wife so she will only act if my daughter is away, which is not every often, plus now she's peri-menopausal and has told me she's not interested whatsoever... but this trigger for me to get sober as 1 month ago we did have a free house and we did give things a try but I didn't perform... but this isn't the first time this has happened, but when you are having intimacy 1 or 2 times a week it's gets forgotten quickly... but when it's experienced more in isolation... it really stood out for me... my wife just thinks I had too many beers but the reality is I'm a raging porn addict and I feel I rely on it now just to get aroused. So the next day I went looking online and found Reboot Nation and I watched the intro video and I said to myself I need to stop... stop... stop... stop and now I am one month clean...
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