A Journal of Fighting my Demons

Hi, my name is Richard Maxwell, you can call me Max. I am 19 years old, currently working a full time job and attending college. I don’t really have a close friend to talk to about this stuff so here is my story laid bear.

I grew up homeschooled and have a handful of siblings. At the age of 3-5 (I can’t remember) and experience happened with an older male that left me extremely confused (I will not elaborate on this detail). At the age of 6-8 I was on the family Ipad when a pop up ad caught my attention. Curiosity murdered this cat. From there on I would just watch and watch because I had never seen something like it, and my brain was hooked. I got close to getting caught, but never was.
Fast forward 10 or so years and here I am. Fapping became a set in routine around the age of 13 and it has felt like hell ever since. The longest that I have gone without fapping was around 3 months, but after that it slowly crept in.
It is a lot less frequent than it used to be (1 or twice a week), but I still hate it. I hate it so much. Every time it happens I feel like I failed apart of me.
The hardest part has been sexuality.
The only content that I ever consumed was gay content, leading me to believe I was gay. But anytime I try pursuing any relationship with a man, something about it feels deeply off. Anytime I take a long break from falling it’s like the sexual demon in me departs and the fog is lifted. I don’t look at dudes sexually anymore and a relationship with a girl feels more “suitable.” It just feels like the porn and fapping is hard wiring my brain to go for those routes. But if it was given a break off this drug I would be able to feel and think like a normal boy. This part I have never told anyone, mostly because I am afraid of being accused of “denying my true self” and having “internalized homophobia.”

Right now on Thursday, November 10th, 2022 I am 2 days clean. I watch to make a change, I need help, I just don’t know how to do it. I am hoping this journal can keep me going. <3
 

STST

Active Member
Hi, my name is Richard Maxwell, you can call me Max. I am 19 years old, currently working a full time job and attending college. I don’t really have a close friend to talk to about this stuff so here is my story laid bear.

I grew up homeschooled and have a handful of siblings. At the age of 3-5 (I can’t remember) and experience happened with an older male that left me extremely confused (I will not elaborate on this detail). At the age of 6-8 I was on the family Ipad when a pop up ad caught my attention. Curiosity murdered this cat. From there on I would just watch and watch because I had never seen something like it, and my brain was hooked. I got close to getting caught, but never was.
Fast forward 10 or so years and here I am. Fapping became a set in routine around the age of 13 and it has felt like hell ever since. The longest that I have gone without fapping was around 3 months, but after that it slowly crept in.
It is a lot less frequent than it used to be (1 or twice a week), but I still hate it. I hate it so much. Every time it happens I feel like I failed apart of me.
The hardest part has been sexuality.
The only content that I ever consumed was gay content, leading me to believe I was gay. But anytime I try pursuing any relationship with a man, something about it feels deeply off. Anytime I take a long break from falling it’s like the sexual demon in me departs and the fog is lifted. I don’t look at dudes sexually anymore and a relationship with a girl feels more “suitable.” It just feels like the porn and fapping is hard wiring my brain to go for those routes. But if it was given a break off this drug I would be able to feel and think like a normal boy. This part I have never told anyone, mostly because I am afraid of being accused of “denying my true self” and having “internalized homophobia.”

Right now on Thursday, November 10th, 2022 I am 2 days clean. I watch to make a change, I need help, I just don’t know how to do it. I am hoping this journal can keep me going. <3
Every time I felt like masturbating, I read YBOP articles and watched a few videos of how damaging porn and masturbating are, till the urge to PMO went away, maybe that could help.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Hi Richard I can relate to the consumption of Gay P. I personally considered myself bisexual for many years. Most my adult life I suppose though the actual thoughts of being in a relationships with a man has never been one I visualised. I have had sexual encounters with men and when in active heavy addiction fantasise about encounters. I also went down the trans route myself. I started watching sissy hypnos (do not search for these!) in a way to make it easier to achieve acting out in those manners.
When I am not in active recovery these feelings dissipate. I honestly believe myself to be straight now. I think it shows how strong this addiction can be that I will make to go down avenues that are not your core true self does not desire.
I cannot remember if I read it here or elsewhere but when considering sexuality think of anytime you been at a beach.....What or whom catches your eye? Maybe think about that.
Sexuality is a very destressing thing and I think acting out or believing you are something that you are not will be causing a huge amount of stress and shame. have you considered counselling about your past? Something bad happened to you. Something that should not have been allowed and I am sorry that happened to you. Their is a inner child in you wondering why this was allowed to happen. A part of you shamed and having low self worth. Do you think the gay P is any easy way for your addiction to remind you of this feeling?

Hopefully I haven't over stepped and If I have I am sorry.
 
November 11th, 2022
Yesterday was Wednesday and it was overall a good day. It is the busiest day of the week. I start work at 6am, i have 6 hours of classes, and a Bible study at night. Though busy days can hurt sometimes, I appreciate them so much. I got home at 10pm so tired and at that point falling is just out of the question. The only thing I can do is wash my face and go to bed. There is this girl that I like in my classes. Her name is Katie and I have never met a funnier human. I just feel like I have to be perfect before I get in a relationship. I want to use this as motivation. I’m gonna get better for Katie.
 
November 12th, 2022.
I had considered tracking everyday by saying “This is day ____.” But that never seems to help so I’ll just ignore it for now. Yesterday was a a busy day again with classes and work. I got to study with Katie for 2 hours though. I didn’t get a lot of sleep so at the start of the day I started having this “sensory panic attack.” It’s like I become extremely aware of everything going on. My shirt feels too much, my hair feels like it’s flying, my face is itches, I can feel my pants around my waist. I got through it though and things got better.
At the end of the day I went to this hang out with people from my church. I think it was just the people there, but I felt super insecure. Idk why. But all I know is Max 2 weeks clean is the best version of Max. I can be so social at parties and not even notice it. I want to get better for Katie and for myself.
 
Hi Richard I can relate to the consumption of Gay P. I personally considered myself bisexual for many years. Most my adult life I suppose though the actual thoughts of being in a relationships with a man has never been one I visualised. I have had sexual encounters with men and when in active heavy addiction fantasise about encounters. I also went down the trans route myself. I started watching sissy hypnos (do not search for these!) in a way to make it easier to achieve acting out in those manners.
When I am not in active recovery these feelings dissipate. I honestly believe myself to be straight now. I think it shows how strong this addiction can be that I will make to go down avenues that are not your core true self does not desire.
I cannot remember if I read it here or elsewhere but when considering sexuality think of anytime you been at a beach.....What or whom catches your eye? Maybe think about that.
Sexuality is a very destressing thing and I think acting out or believing you are something that you are not will be causing a huge amount of stress and shame. have you considered counselling about your past? Something bad happened to you. Something that should not have been allowed and I am sorry that happened to you. Their is a inner child in you wondering why this was allowed to happen. A part of you shamed and having low self worth. Do you think the gay P is any easy way for your addiction to remind you of this feeling?

Hopefully I haven't over stepped and If I have I am sorry.
Thanks for the reply. Don’t worry, I didn’t feel as if you stepped over a line. I posted this so I can’t be upset if people talk about it.
Thanks for sharing you story; you’re totally right. All addictions require the user to get more and more extreme. I feel that.
I don’t really consider sexuality as who catches my eye. Because in the end, the people you “catch your eye” at the beach are the people that you’re lusting after. Yeah, I may think that some guys are hot, but that doesn’t necessarily mean those are the people I want to be in a relationship with. I feel a pull to be in a relationship with a girl. Maybe sexual feelings aren’t there rn, but I believe I can change.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
..... people you “catch your eye” at the beach are the people that you’re lusting
I really feel like that ideology or thought process is going from 0 to 100mph in 0 seconds. There are steps in these things. like oh what's that that grabbed my attention? oh it's that? I should stop staring as that's creepy. Go about with what ever your were doing.
Just because you see someone appealing doesn't mean you HAVE to lust over them. If that is a case that is showing another way of how sexual compulsive disorder has hold of you.

In my personal experience my noticing people when out in public normally manifested in me noticing. Trying not to look but a voice in my head saying I am disgusting, a monster, a pervert and unloveable.

I maybe gone a bit off point but I just think having this ideology that looking at people that "grab your attention" is "lusting" is something very easy to build more shame on which is gonna feed into the pain and the addiction.
 
November 13th, 2022

Yesterday was a bad day. I didn’t relapse, thank God, but it was just a miserable day.
The day started off rather nice. Went to a starbucks to study with a friend, got an oil change, washed my car, organized the pantry, baked some cookies. Then I hung out with my best friend. I’ve been friends with him for 7 month. Idk what shifted, but his texts lost their sparkle. I have such an addictive personality, especially when it comes to friends/people. I worshiped the ground that this man walked on. And now, now idk why I just feel off. Idk what changed and I hope it doesn’t stay this way. He makes me very happy it was just yesterday I felt very disassociated. Like I was not having a conversation with him, I was watching myself have a conversation with him. I appreciate him more than life.
Yesterday I got in an argument with my sister and after I realized I was the problem, I am the petty one. I ended up making it right in the end, but all of this has just accumulated to today. I just feel like such a shitty human. Which scares me because I know that fapping happens at your lowest point, so I am trying my hardest to be aware of it and fight it rn. I just want to be proud of myself, I want to feel the warmth of equally returned love.
 
I really feel like that ideology or thought process is going from 0 to 100mph in 0 seconds. There are steps in these things. like oh what's that that grabbed my attention? oh it's that? I should stop staring as that's creepy. Go about with what ever your were doing.
Just because you see someone appealing doesn't mean you HAVE to lust over them. If that is a case that is showing another way of how sexual compulsive disorder has hold of you.

In my personal experience my noticing people when out in public normally manifested in me noticing. Trying not to look but a voice in my head saying I am disgusting, a monster, a pervert and unloveable.

I maybe gone a bit off point but I just think having this ideology that looking at people that "grab your attention" is "lusting" is something very easy to build more shame on which is gonna feed into the pain and the addiction.
I know it may not be that way for you at the beach, but 100 percent for me. If i notice a dude at the beach I don’t go “huh, he looks like a nice guy.” My brain looks at his ass. Because of the high consumption of porn all my brain can do when it sees attractive men in public is objectify them. So it may not be that way for you, but my stares at the beach aren’t always innocent, that’s why I just avoid it in the first place.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Do you think that as you go through the process of healing this sexualisation of people out in public will diminish? I think it might be something to aim for as that has to be very stressful. I remember feeling similar while proper deep into my addiction before starting true attempts at recovery.
 
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