RichardMaxwell
Member
Hi, my name is Richard Maxwell, you can call me Max. I am 19 years old, currently working a full time job and attending college. I don’t really have a close friend to talk to about this stuff so here is my story laid bear.
I grew up homeschooled and have a handful of siblings. At the age of 3-5 (I can’t remember) and experience happened with an older male that left me extremely confused (I will not elaborate on this detail). At the age of 6-8 I was on the family Ipad when a pop up ad caught my attention. Curiosity murdered this cat. From there on I would just watch and watch because I had never seen something like it, and my brain was hooked. I got close to getting caught, but never was.
Fast forward 10 or so years and here I am. Fapping became a set in routine around the age of 13 and it has felt like hell ever since. The longest that I have gone without fapping was around 3 months, but after that it slowly crept in.
It is a lot less frequent than it used to be (1 or twice a week), but I still hate it. I hate it so much. Every time it happens I feel like I failed apart of me.
The hardest part has been sexuality.
Right now on Thursday, November 10th, 2022 I am 2 days clean. I watch to make a change, I need help, I just don’t know how to do it. I am hoping this journal can keep me going. <3
I grew up homeschooled and have a handful of siblings. At the age of 3-5 (I can’t remember) and experience happened with an older male that left me extremely confused (I will not elaborate on this detail). At the age of 6-8 I was on the family Ipad when a pop up ad caught my attention. Curiosity murdered this cat. From there on I would just watch and watch because I had never seen something like it, and my brain was hooked. I got close to getting caught, but never was.
Fast forward 10 or so years and here I am. Fapping became a set in routine around the age of 13 and it has felt like hell ever since. The longest that I have gone without fapping was around 3 months, but after that it slowly crept in.
It is a lot less frequent than it used to be (1 or twice a week), but I still hate it. I hate it so much. Every time it happens I feel like I failed apart of me.
The hardest part has been sexuality.
The only content that I ever consumed was gay content, leading me to believe I was gay. But anytime I try pursuing any relationship with a man, something about it feels deeply off. Anytime I take a long break from falling it’s like the sexual demon in me departs and the fog is lifted. I don’t look at dudes sexually anymore and a relationship with a girl feels more “suitable.” It just feels like the porn and fapping is hard wiring my brain to go for those routes. But if it was given a break off this drug I would be able to feel and think like a normal boy. This part I have never told anyone, mostly because I am afraid of being accused of “denying my true self” and having “internalized homophobia.”
Right now on Thursday, November 10th, 2022 I am 2 days clean. I watch to make a change, I need help, I just don’t know how to do it. I am hoping this journal can keep me going. <3