Struggling.

[Anon22]

I struggle badly with the fact that my partner fantasizes about and objectifies women daily. I understand that there is intrusive thoughts. What I don’t understand is how they check other women out constantly and then think about them. I’ve always been extremely confident with myself until being in a relationship with a porn addict. It really sucks. I know that they can be with the hottest woman in the world and still find many others attractive etc. I just don’t think I’m cut out for this type of generations “love”. Idk just ranting really.

 

[ImBroken]

@Anon22 - ranting right with you. Same church, different pew - The porn my spouse consumed/wrote about/acted out on - is beyond me and varied greatly - but NONE of the “actors” are even remotely in my ballpark. I hear you on the “extremely confident“ part - me too. My ego is healthy and I take great care of myself and my appearance. For 30+ years there was always someone who asked my spouse…”How did you land Mike????” - I have had talks with him about this and how much it has shaken my self-worth and understanding. I get round about explanations - “I don’t even think about real people…they are compilations…blah blah blah” - needless to say, none of his responses answer my questions. He says he still loves me, says I am the “most attractive man”, am still wayyyyyy out of his league - but that does little to heal the ego burns and the fact that for all the times we DID have sexual relations - I was not front and center in his mind - and that is a MIND F*CK that really gets me screwy if I think on it too much - Please dont think your post triggered me - its just the facts of being married to a porn addict. I’m still finding my way….for myself….or if there even is a chance to continue with the marriage. Right now I am choosing not to think about it or it will send me into a torpor - He’s seemingly getting better - has dived right into recovery - live meetings, online groups, sponsor calls, therapy sessions…I do want him in recovery…I just hope he is recovered enough to deal with the decisions I have to make eventually. As Significant Others - NONE of us asked for this - NONE of this addiction is because of something we “didn’t do” or “did” - And it is A LOT of shit to deal with - I’ve been attending Sanon meetings for spouses - its nice - but porn/sex addiction really is devastating to a relationship and family…It sucks…we take it personally - and no answer is good enough or really explains anything. It is a horrible torture that has been placed upon us - fleeting moments of happiness have entered my life over the past month…but D-Day and the discovery of these addictions has changed me as a man forever. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst of enemies. Wish I had a crystal ball…

 

[Gracie]

So I agree with @ImBroken . We are changed forever on D day. There is nothing that prepares us as SOs for the thought that that sexually for a number of years we were not top of list or maybe not even on the list. It is difficult for addicts to get the hurt. @Anon22 it is a hard walk and we have triggers along the way. My husband watched women’s asses. I started alerting him. I cannot figure out how a single orgasm is worth losing everything for. But apparently it is. And in my posts over the years I have been here, I have said I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Only you can decide what is right for you in this walk.