The Whole Truth

[honest_wiiinster]

This post, and however many more might come after it will be rough, but I'm putting aside my scathing internal editor so I can finally get this weight off my chest. Writing this, it feels like I can't breathe. I feel so sad and hopeless when I think about how lost I've become. Every time, I tell myself it's the last time, and then I go ahead and do it again, almost as if it's against my will, like I have no control over myself.

I am so happy to have finally found a place where I can be totally and completely truthful because the worst part has been the feeling that I can never be honest with anybody about who I am, or what I've become. I couldn't bear the shame. A friend of mine joked with me the other day, "don't you watch porn?" and I laughed and casually replied, "yeah," like it wasn't a part of myself that I wanted to tie to an anchor and throw into the ocean. What if he'd asked to see my phone? What if I didn't hide everything well enough?

I'm constantly exhausted and disgusted with myself. The orgasms are not worth the shitty aftermath anymore. I'm repeatedly visiting some dark places that make me afraid and uncomfortable, but if I squint, it's not that bad. And then I only need to recover for a short while before I'm right back on that special browser with incognito on, looking for something a little scarier than the last time.

I've been watching porn for more than a decade now. I was a child when it started, maybe 5 or 6 or 7 years old. It did not make an impression on me at first, but then boarding school happened, and I grew increasingly curious about sex and sexuality. My relationship with sex itself is something I'm still trying to understand at this point. Suffice it to say, it's been nothing short of abnormal, and for the longest time, it didn't occur to me how dysfunctional my life has been. Now, I can't ignore it anymore. I'm heartbroken for the man I could've become if things were different — if there had never been that initial catalyst or if I'd known what I was getting myself into. It doesn't serve to think about the past, I know, but all the toxic experiences I've lived through are all muddled up in my head now, and I can't open one door without opening all the others. Thinking about the past is what started me on this journey in the first place. My life has been a crapshoot, and I must get things in order.

Unravelling my childhood is only a part of it though, the actual quitting will likely be the hardest part. Just last night, I wrote in my journal, meditated briefly and went to bed happy, convinced that by morning everything would be different, but I relapsed again. Like always, I couldn't even stand to look at my reflection, the shame was overwhelming. And for me, that is the most familiar indicator. I haven't even TRIED to be intimate with another human being since my childhood and early teens. I guess I just settled to live my life like this — like porn was the only thing I needed. I know I deserve better now.

So once again, I am saying this, and I hope with everything in me that this will be the last time I will ever have to say it. I AM QUITTING PORN. NAY, I HAVE QUIT! IT IS DONE! I don't know where the strength will come from but I will find it! I want to know who I am when two-thirds of my brain isn't occupied with flashing images of body parts. I want to know life without shame and fear of judgement. I want to be fucking happy for once.

- Winston.

Thank you for reading.

 

[FrankWhite12]

This post, and however many more might come after it will be rough, but I'm putting aside my scathing internal editor so I can finally get this weight off my chest. Writing this, it feels like I can't breathe. I feel so sad and hopeless when I think about how lost I've become. Every time, I tell myself it's the last time, and then I go ahead and do it again, almost as if it's against my will, like I have no control over myself.

I am so happy to have finally found a place where I can be totally and completely truthful because the worst part has been the feeling that I can never be honest with anybody about who I am, or what I've become. I couldn't bear the shame. A friend of mine joked with me the other day, "don't you watch porn?" and I laughed and casually replied, "yeah," like it wasn't a part of myself that I wanted to tie to an anchor and throw into the ocean. What if he'd asked to see my phone? What if I didn't hide everything well enough?

I'm constantly exhausted and disgusted with myself. The orgasms are not worth the shitty aftermath anymore. I'm repeatedly visiting some dark places that make me afraid and uncomfortable, but if I squint, it's not that bad. And then I only need to recover for a short while before I'm right back on that special browser with incognito on, looking for something a little scarier than the last time.

I've been watching porn for more than a decade now. I was a child when it started, maybe 5 or 6 or 7 years old. It did not make an impression on me at first, but then boarding school happened, and I grew increasingly curious about sex and sexuality. My relationship with sex itself is something I'm still trying to understand at this point. Suffice it to say, it's been nothing short of abnormal, and for the longest time, it didn't occur to me how dysfunctional my life has been. Now, I can't ignore it anymore. I'm heartbroken for the man I could've become if things were different — if there had never been that initial catalyst or if I'd known what I was getting myself into. It doesn't serve to think about the past, I know, but all the toxic experiences I've lived through are all muddled up in my head now, and I can't open one door without opening all the others. Thinking about the past is what started me on this journey in the first place. My life has been a crapshoot, and I must get things in order.

Unravelling my childhood is only a part of it though, the actual quitting will likely be the hardest part. Just last night, I wrote in my journal, meditated briefly and went to bed happy, convinced that by morning everything would be different, but I relapsed again. Like always, I couldn't even stand to look at my reflection, the shame was overwhelming. And for me, that is the most familiar indicator. I haven't even TRIED to be intimate with another human being since my childhood and early teens. I guess I just settled to live my life like this — like porn was the only thing I needed. I know I deserve better now.

So once again, I am saying this, and I hope with everything in me that this will be the last time I will ever have to say it. I AM QUITTING PORN. NAY, I HAVE QUIT! IT IS DONE! I don't know where the strength will come from but I will find it! I want to know who I am when two-thirds of my brain isn't occupied with flashing images of body parts. I want to know life without shame and fear of judgement. I want to be fucking happy for once.

- Winston.

Thank you for reading.

Dude, You can do it! Sounds like you're in the beginning of your 20s. Some guys on here have used P for more than 20 years (or even more). You're lucky to have identified the problem. Now you can act on it!It's never too late, especially in your case. You've got plenty of time, but also some challenging and uncomfortable times ahead of you. But I'm convinced you can do it. It's gonna be hard, it's gonna suck, you're gonna question yourself and you might feel stressed, insecure and afraid. But that's a fair price for the growth you'll see in the near future. You got this.