My many Character Flaws
Step 6 of the Big Book, or better known as the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, states: “We’re entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Sitting down and making a list of all my character defects is by far one of the harder steps I’ve had to do. It’s difficult looking into the mirror and admitting that you are flawed to such a degree. I came up with ten character defects that I will list in no particular order. Each defect has not only affected my life but also the lives of my wife and children.
Guilt
This is big for sex addicts. It has shut me down to where I don’t and won’t communicate with my family because it leads to shame. Guilt kept me in my addiction cycle; always trying to find some way to solve my issues. I would shut down because I would lie to my wife about my use or my masturbation. Guilt would put me in a deep depression; wondering when I was going to fix the problems I had created. I constantly stayed in hiding until my guilt subsided, or I would act out or use some substance to bury it. Guilt weighed me down. It would continue to pile on top of itself because I wasn’t dealing with the guilt when it surfaced.
Selfishness
I cared less about my family and more about me. My needs far outweighed those of others, including my wife and children. Selfishness was all-consuming. It allowed me to stay in my addictions. Self-centeredness caused damage to my reputation and led to loneliness. I constantly pushed people away and out of my life because I was consumed with myself. I thought of people in terms of what they can do for me, instead of a relationship to be built. It’s the least appealing character trait.
Anger
This one is tough. I would attack my family verbally, leaving them feeling emotionally and physically unsafe. My wife actually referred to these anger episodes as me becoming Hulk. She was less likely to trust me, and I was less open to being vulnerable. It constantly interfered with my daily living. My drug use heightened my anger. I used anger to control my family and have my children submit to me. Anger led to many communication problems between my wife and me. I blamed my wife for my own actions. Enjoying activities with my family became difficult. It became almost impossible to show empathy. My family would walk on eggshells so as not to upset me and “release” the Hulk.
Dishonesty
I constantly lied to my wife about using substances or viewing pornography, eventually losing all trust. Lies almost destroyed my relationship with my wife and kids. I lied to my children about taking their money for drugs and alcohol. I couldn’t keep up with all the lies I had told. It was a vicious cycle of one lie needed to cover another and another and another…
Playing the victim
I was a pro at this one. When caught using any substance, I would come up with some excuse for why I was using it. I would turn on the tears and talk about all the reasons I was behaving the way I was. Truthfully, it was that I couldn’t deal with the emotions and feelings from the military and wanted to garner sympathy to soothe my ego. I would frequently blame my behaviors on how much stress I was under in hopes of others feeling sorry for me. All of this was to escape reality and run away from responsibility.
Laziness
I believe procrastination is my biggest flaw. During my use, I would put responsibilities off as long as I could. I put more importance on using than on my wife and children. I had no energy to complete simple tasks because of the amount of Benadryl I was taking. It made me irritated, exhausted, and angry. I would get mad and upset if my wife asked me to do something. I would rather isolate and stay away from my family while I viewed pornography, or was using a substance.
Impatient
Man, talk about wanting everyone on time all the time. My military background taught me that being late for any formation had its consequences. This frame of mind has followed me into the civilian world so much that being 15 minutes early doesn’t feel early enough. With this mindset, I get flustered and upset with my wife and kids if they aren’t ready on my timeline. I carry expectations that were placed on me in the military some 20+ years ago upon my family, which led to arguments and anger. I will tell you it’s difficult changing that way of thinking. As an addict, the only way to do this is by renewing your mind.
Self-Seeking
I would only care about myself and my needs. My family’s needs always came last, even my children. Struggling with self-worth and self-love, I attempted to gain attention, love, and recognition. These are a few feelings and emotions I refused to process. I felt worthless and unlovable because of whom I had become. Apathetic, I had acquainted myself with this feeling really well. I was so consumed with myself that when my own children were hurt, I rarely cared because in my mind, the attention should always be on me.
Lustful
Until I realized I was a sex addict, I never realized how lustful I had become. Every time I went out, I was in a fantasy about this woman or that one, even when my wife was with me. I was literally blind to what was playing in my mind. I objectified women. They had become a drug for me. Like an addict trying to get a fix, there I was, trying to be self-gratified. I have learned lust is self-indulgent and self-centered and never a pretty thing.
Inconsiderate
I intentionally caused hurt in my family to create chaos. I learned how to survive in chaos on deployment, and that’s where I excelled. When my marriage and family life were going well, I would create chaos to bring it back to my level of normal, where I knew how to function best in chaos. I made my family walk on eggshells because of my lack of empathy and love.
It’s difficult to admit that I have flaws, or rather that I am flawed. I know that I’m not perfect, but for years and years, I viewed others as the problem. I now know I’m the problem and that these are but a few of the issues in which I need God’s helping hand in removing. I will never be a perfect human being, and I understand that, but I can hope to be a gentle father and loving husband who has his family’s best interests in mind and places their needs ahead of his own.