KetchupDrool
Member
That's a great quote. I'll have to remember that one. Thanks for sharing.
You Protect What You Love
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KetchupDrool
Member
My many Character Flaws
Step 6 of the Big Book, or better known as the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, states: “We’re entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Sitting down and making a list of all my character defects is by far one of the harder steps I’ve had to do. It’s difficult looking into the mirror and admitting that you are flawed to such a degree. I came up with ten character defects that I will list in no particular order. Each defect has not only affected my life but also the lives of my wife and children.
Guilt
This is big for sex addicts. It has shut me down to where I don’t and won’t communicate with my family because it leads to shame. Guilt kept me in my addiction cycle; always trying to find some way to solve my issues. I would shut down because I would lie to my wife about my use or my masturbation. Guilt would put me in a deep depression; wondering when I was going to fix the problems I had created. I constantly stayed in hiding until my guilt subsided, or I would act out or use some substance to bury it. Guilt weighed me down. It would continue to pile on top of itself because I wasn’t dealing with the guilt when it surfaced.
Selfishness
I cared less about my family and more about me. My needs far outweighed those of others, including my wife and children. Selfishness was all-consuming. It allowed me to stay in my addictions. Self-centeredness caused damage to my reputation and led to loneliness. I constantly pushed people away and out of my life because I was consumed with myself. I thought of people in terms of what they can do for me, instead of a relationship to be built. It’s the least appealing character trait.
Anger
This one is tough. I would attack my family verbally, leaving them feeling emotionally and physically unsafe. My wife actually referred to these anger episodes as me becoming Hulk. She was less likely to trust me, and I was less open to being vulnerable. It constantly interfered with my daily living. My drug use heightened my anger. I used anger to control my family and have my children submit to me. Anger led to many communication problems between my wife and me. I blamed my wife for my own actions. Enjoying activities with my family became difficult. It became almost impossible to show empathy. My family would walk on eggshells so as not to upset me and “release” the Hulk.
Dishonesty
I constantly lied to my wife about using substances or viewing pornography, eventually losing all trust. Lies almost destroyed my relationship with my wife and kids. I lied to my children about taking their money for drugs and alcohol. I couldn’t keep up with all the lies I had told. It was a vicious cycle of one lie needed to cover another and another and another…
Playing the victim
I was a pro at this one. When caught using any substance, I would come up with some excuse for why I was using it. I would turn on the tears and talk about all the reasons I was behaving the way I was. Truthfully, it was that I couldn’t deal with the emotions and feelings from the military and wanted to garner sympathy to soothe my ego. I would frequently blame my behaviors on how much stress I was under in hopes of others feeling sorry for me. All of this was to escape reality and run away from responsibility.
Laziness
I believe procrastination is my biggest flaw. During my use, I would put responsibilities off as long as I could. I put more importance on using than on my wife and children. I had no energy to complete simple tasks because of the amount of Benadryl I was taking. It made me irritated, exhausted, and angry. I would get mad and upset if my wife asked me to do something. I would rather isolate and stay away from my family while I viewed pornography, or was using a substance.
Impatient
Man, talk about wanting everyone on time all the time. My military background taught me that being late for any formation had its consequences. This frame of mind has followed me into the civilian world so much that being 15 minutes early doesn’t feel early enough. With this mindset, I get flustered and upset with my wife and kids if they aren’t ready on my timeline. I carry expectations that were placed on me in the military some 20+ years ago upon my family, which led to arguments and anger. I will tell you it’s difficult changing that way of thinking. As an addict, the only way to do this is by renewing your mind.
Self-Seeking
I would only care about myself and my needs. My family’s needs always came last, even my children. Struggling with self-worth and self-love, I attempted to gain attention, love, and recognition. These are a few feelings and emotions I refused to process. I felt worthless and unlovable because of whom I had become. Apathetic, I had acquainted myself with this feeling really well. I was so consumed with myself that when my own children were hurt, I rarely cared because in my mind, the attention should always be on me.
Lustful
Until I realized I was a sex addict, I never realized how lustful I had become. Every time I went out, I was in a fantasy about this woman or that one, even when my wife was with me. I was literally blind to what was playing in my mind. I objectified women. They had become a drug for me. Like an addict trying to get a fix, there I was, trying to be self-gratified. I have learned lust is self-indulgent and self-centered and never a pretty thing.
Inconsiderate
I intentionally caused hurt in my family to create chaos. I learned how to survive in chaos on deployment, and that’s where I excelled. When my marriage and family life were going well, I would create chaos to bring it back to my level of normal, where I knew how to function best in chaos. I made my family walk on eggshells because of my lack of empathy and love.
It’s difficult to admit that I have flaws, or rather that I am flawed. I know that I’m not perfect, but for years and years, I viewed others as the problem. I now know I’m the problem and that these are but a few of the issues in which I need God’s helping hand in removing. I will never be a perfect human being, and I understand that, but I can hope to be a gentle father and loving husband who has his family’s best interests in mind and places their needs ahead of his own.
KetchupDrool
Member
Why Some Relapse
“Your struggle with sexual addiction doesn’t start with your behavior. It begins with what you want and what you live for (p. 6)”. David Powlison in Sexual Addiction
“Your struggle with sexual addiction doesn’t start with your behavior. It begins with what you want and what you live for (p. 6)”. David Powlison in Sexual Addiction
Bitterness is a fascinating emotion (not in a good way). It can cause dissatisfaction, jealousy, and rage. Of course, none of these are mutually exclusive. And any of these can quickly feed off each other. But it's interesting how many times someone can be bitter about a trial, a person they love or hate, or a situation they can't control and yet be drawn in by the deceptive pleasures of porn to help them escape or find relief from their own bitterness.
Someone gets promoted while you do not. Instead of you, a coworker is recognized for a job well done. Your friend is a better husband, athlete, or musician than you are. You are not the ideal mother, father, boss, pastor, student, and so on. You are dissatisfied with how your life has turned out. Not only that, but you're dissatisfied with your current circumstances. And the list continues! Whatever it is, for a drop of fleeting desire, you can find yourself in a sea of bitterness. And if that desire is not fulfilled or leaves you disillusioned in some way, turning your gaze to even the fleeting pleasures of porn only makes matters worse!
Someone gets promoted while you do not. Instead of you, a coworker is recognized for a job well done. Your friend is a better husband, athlete, or musician than you are. You are not the ideal mother, father, boss, pastor, student, and so on. You are dissatisfied with how your life has turned out. Not only that, but you're dissatisfied with your current circumstances. And the list continues! Whatever it is, for a drop of fleeting desire, you can find yourself in a sea of bitterness. And if that desire is not fulfilled or leaves you disillusioned in some way, turning your gaze to even the fleeting pleasures of porn only makes matters worse!
Depression is a powerful emotion. It leaves us scarred, defeated, and oppressed. Having dealt with depression at various points in my life, I can attest that it is a mental prison. Some people experience this state more frequently than others. Because porn stimulates large amounts of dopamine in the brain, giving us a rush of good feelings, it temporarily liberates us from our mental oppression. Despite this, after the high wears off, it locks us up in the dungeon of deceitful lust and only pulls us deeper into this dark, mental abyss. In our depressed state, the escape we seek by watching porn only serves to trick us, not heal us. Even when we are simply sad and not depressed, we are just as likely to turn to porn for some form of pleasure and delight rather than to deal with the emotional discomfort that sadness and depression bring.
Loneliness is the feeling of being alone, regardless of whether you are actually alone. It is a common feeling that can affect anyone at any time, and it can range from a mild feeling of isolation to a deep sense of despair. Many people feel lonely at some point in their lives, and it can be caused by a variety of factors, such as the loss of a loved one, a move to a new place, or even a lack of social connections. Some people may feel lonely even when they are surrounded by others because they feel disconnected or misunderstood. While loneliness is a normal part of the human experience, it can become a problem if it persists for a long time and starts to affect your mental and physical health. In this case, it may be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional.
Anxiety and feeling overwhelmed are both common responses to stress, and they can have some similar symptoms, such as feeling tense and restless, having difficulty concentrating, and experiencing physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches. However, there are some key differences between the two.
Anxiety is a psychological and physiological response to stress that is characterized by feelings of fear, worry, and unease. It is a normal and often healthy response to stress, but it can become a problem if it is chronic, excessive, or debilitating and interferes with your daily life and activities.
Feeling overwhelmed, on the other hand, is a feeling of being unable to cope with the demands or pressure that you are facing. It is often caused by having too much to do or too many responsibilities, and it can lead to feelings of stress, frustration, and being out of control. Feeling overwhelmed can also be a sign of burnout, which is a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress.
Anxiety is a psychological and physiological response to stress, while feeling overwhelmed is a feeling of being unable to cope with the demands and pressures in your life. Both can cause similar symptoms, but they have different causes and require different approaches to treatment.
Anxiety is a psychological and physiological response to stress that is characterized by feelings of fear, worry, and unease. It is a normal and often healthy response to stress, but it can become a problem if it is chronic, excessive, or debilitating and interferes with your daily life and activities.
Feeling overwhelmed, on the other hand, is a feeling of being unable to cope with the demands or pressure that you are facing. It is often caused by having too much to do or too many responsibilities, and it can lead to feelings of stress, frustration, and being out of control. Feeling overwhelmed can also be a sign of burnout, which is a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress.
Anxiety is a psychological and physiological response to stress, while feeling overwhelmed is a feeling of being unable to cope with the demands and pressures in your life. Both can cause similar symptoms, but they have different causes and require different approaches to treatment.
Married couples can and do deprive each other. Although it should not be the case, some people turn to porn after being rejected by their spouse. This is a depraved reason that frequently leads to bitterness, anger (as mentioned above), and other negative emotions, but it is a common justification for seeking porn. Because spouses deprive one another, revenge is a subcategory of this trigger. They are retaliating against their spouse by watching porn. Without realizing it, they are developing a new coping mechanism for the stressors that almost all married couples face. And this can only lead to disaster. In terms of your own marriage and soul.
I couldn't write a blog about the most common reasons why we watch porn without mentioning the most important, and central, reason why many people watch it: they want to. Regardless of the triggers, emotional turmoil, and internal battles, we must swallow the hardest truth(s) and be brutally honest with ourselves if we are to be cleansed of this heinous practice. Many people do not watch it because they are angry, depressed, sad, anxious, lonely, or bored. They watch it out of curiosity.
KetchupDrool
Member
The Demise of Guys
Phillip Zimbardo is a psychology professor emeritus at Stanford University and a well-known social psychologist. He is best known for conducting the Stanford prison experiment in 1971, in which he and his team studied the psychological effects of authority and power on a group of male college students who were randomly assigned roles as prisoners and guards in a simulated prison environment. The experiment was intended to last two weeks, but was stopped after only six days because of the intense psychological distress experienced by the participants. Zimbardo has written extensively about the experiment and its implications, and continues to conduct research and give lectures on the psychology of evil, heroism, and time perspective. Besides the Stanford prison experiment, he has conducted research on a wide range of topics, including shyness, aggression, and social norms.
Phillip Zimardo first appeared on TED in 2011, explaining what he calls "The Demise of Guys." Phillip has since added a new perspective to his TED talks as of 2014. A worthwhile watch.
KetchupDrool
Member
“Triggered - an involuntary recall of a previous traumatic experience”
She calls it “D-Day 1.0.” That’s the day I walked out on my family.
And now day-to-day things trigger her.
Sleep:
I used to take up to 60 Benadryl a day to get high, which would make me sleepy, so now anytime I sleep during the day, it makes her fear that I’m getting high again.
Running errands:
I have affair partners that live in the same area as we do. Now there is an ongoing fear that we’ll see an affair partner while out getting groceries, shopping, or going out to eat.
Driving:
She caught me with an affair partner after she did a stakeout at a bar. Driving near this area of town causes her anxiety and fear. This is the event she refers to as “D-Day 2.0.”
Fishing:
I would steal money from my wife and kids to buy beer. I would go fishing, so she wouldn’t know I was drinking. Now, anytime I want to go fishing, my wife worries I’m using it as an excuse to get drunk.
These are just a few of the many triggers that my wife has. I never know when she’ll be triggered (neither does she), but knowing the triggers gives me the opportunity to do something about it. My actions and responses can lessen the chance of her being triggered.
I know a little, or maybe a lot, about triggers. I deployed to a combat zone. Tall buildings, cars, ethnic backgrounds, apartments, stairwells, and crowds, these are just a few of my triggers. I’ve worked on them for the last 10 plus years to diminish their effects on me. That doesn’t mean I forget them. In the same way, my wife also has triggers she can’t forget.
One of the most difficult emotions I experience when my wife gets triggered is guilt. Guilt for putting her in a position that she never asked for. She didn’t sign up for this. I signed up for the Army, knowing full well that I had a possibility of being deployed. My wife didn’t know coming into our marriage that it would hurt her in this way and, as a result, be triggered by day-to-day things. When she’s triggered, I’m learning to stop what I’m doing and try my hardest to show empathy and draw near to her. I won’t lie; it’s hard, really hard. Guilt says, “Look at what you did!” “Look at what you’ve caused!” “This is all your fault!” When this emotion comes up, I want to run away. I’ve caused all of this pain, and it is my fault. When that sinks in, it hurts tremendously. To know that I caused such heartache sucks. Every time she’s triggered, the cycle of guilt resurfaces.
So, how do I handle the guilt? First, I don’t let it fester and turn into shame. If I let that happen, over time, it will lead to relapse. Instead, I work through the emotions. I’m not perfect with the process, but I won’t give up. I can’t give up. I’ve given up way too many times in the past, and it only causes more hurt, mistrust, and loneliness. Second, we talk about it. She tells me how she’s feeling, and yes, it sucks. It sucks to hear all of those raw emotions coming from someone I love dearly because I know that I’ve caused them. I’m learning to sit and listen, to acknowledge and hear her, to give empathy and love. I draw near to her; I hold her. She needs to know I’m there for her, to stand under, and support her. She needs to know that I won’t run away from experiencing feelings and emotions, but I’m willing to walk through these painful emotions with her to help her heal. That is the goal: helping her heal.
Galatians51
Active Member
Wow, such a good video - scary what the outcomes could be on society from the issues he addresses. Thanks for sharing
Galatians51
Active Member
Hey man how are you doing?
Daybyday1988
Active Member
Definitely going to watch this when I get home, thanks for sharing
KetchupDrool
Member
Sorry it's been so long. I'm doing well, just very busy. Son broke his foot two weeks into his senior year of basketball. I've been hospitalized with low sodium and have been in to see doctors more in one month than I have in a year. I am still clean and haven't relapsed.
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
Take care @KetchupDrool , your posts have always been a great source of information and inspiration. I'm looking forward to more of your writings. GWS.
Galatians51
Active Member
hey its great to hear from you. Sorry about everything going on