Let's call it "the final thread"

new reality

Member
So yeah it's been a bit of a hell week. Fortunately it hasn't been too bad as regards the addiction (but not perfect, certainly), but otherwise pretty rough. On the other hand, I guess I know "the truth" about certain things now, and it's time to accept those truths and start to move on. In some ways perhaps the worst part is over.

Anyway it seems like I need some accountability. I do have an accountability partner but he takes breaks sometimes, and so do I really.

Okay, here goes..
 

new reality

Member
So it's Day One, as opposed to Day Zero. I probably won't obsess about the day count going forward, however.

Some discussion of sex addiction in the next paragraph, probably not triggering but fair warning just in case.

I remember once I was in a bookshop flicking through a book about addictions. The writer talked about how the sex addicts he worked with usually looked incredibly exhausted and worn out, despite society's generally positive attitude towards sex. Okay, there can be guilt and shame about it, but generally when it comes to safe, consensual sex, society says the more the merrier. But as most of us know, whether it's addiction to sex or to things like P (and things like chat rooms - argh), yeah... it's not so good. I feel pretty wrecked today, partly from the crappy time I've been having lately, but also from acting out yesterday.

This morning I had a healthier form of online chat. I felt the need to talk with someone about a mental health condition I suffer from, which affects my ability to do certain things. It was a good talk, however the other person had a largely positive attitude to medications for mental health problems. I tend to have a largely negative opinion of such things these days, although I think everyone has the right to make an informed choice and take them if they want to. I don't rule out taking such a medication again (last time I took any I was a teenager).

Lately I find it easy enough to do about a seven-day streak. I often do streaks of up to about two weeks too. I'm pretty good at avoiding "actual P" most of the time, but less good at avoiding P-subs and especially, chat. I'm not too bad with the chaser effect, although it can certainly get me sometimes. I used to be better at longer streaks, and maybe that was because I had more hope that long streaks would help me in various ways besides the obvious benefits of just staying away from all that crap. And yes, I did experience benefits, but not as many as I hoped for maybe.

Anyway, probably enough for today.
 

new reality

Member
My life isn't going to magically improve in every way if I stay away from the bad stuff. However, using the bad stuff guarantees that things will get worse. And things can always get worse it seems!

Man it's been a tough time lately but hopefully things are slooowwly starting to get better.
 

new reality

Member
Hell Week has become something of a Hell Fortnight (two weeks). Also I reset yet again last night. It may be the feeling of not being in control of things. I have a vague plan which might help solve one of my problems. Or it just might make things worse. Oh well.

So yeah, better do some stuff.
 

new reality

Member
A reset. Is reset the right word? If someone was quitting cigarettes, would smoking one be considered a "reset"?

Anyway, there are two websites I need to completely avoid. It doesn't matter which device I'm using. End of story.
 

new reality

Member
Another reset. Not a terrible one really, and the streak wasn't that bad by recent standards. Further proof that I have to avoid chat, P-subs and P.
 

new reality

Member
Been a tough time lately.

Today is day one of the rest of my life.

I think I'll concentrate more on doing good things rather than avoiding bad things, even though both are important.
 

new reality

Member
Reset, but a good streak by recent standards I guess. Also got a lot of issues going on that I need to find more solutions to.
 

new reality

Member
Messed up today but life is crazy (at times), so it's not a massive surprise.

Anyway, new year, new opportunities, new reality. Onwards.
 

new reality

Member
Messed up again last night. Keep hoping things will calm down (in life) but they don't. Also need more money, surprise surprise! I'll have to sell some of my stuff but have little motivation. Better just get started on it.
 

new reality

Member
Despite being a really crappy week in general, including many resets to frickin' online chat in particular, yesterday I actually felt quite a bit better. I got a lot of things done and my mood was much better. I had a couple of urges but I resisted them, although I did check a certain account for messages, which is something I mustn't do.

All was great until it was about time for bed. What did I do? Logged in to a chat room of course lol. Once again I'm operating on a poor night's sleep. Maybe I wouldn't have slept well if I had avoided the chat, but at least I wouldn't feel like such a stupid addict. I know I shouldn't be hard on myself.

This made me determined to try blockers on my phone again.. but my phone seems incredibly resistant to them.

For now I think I'll just commit to posting something here every day.

It's possible that I tried to do too much yesterday. In a way I was trying to make the most of the good mood I was in, as my low moods and addiction can cause me to waste a lot of time on bad days.

Message to addicted me: it ain't happening any more. Find something else to get obsessed with instead.
 
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new reality

Member
Stayed clean since, thankfully. It's possibly my number one priority in life right now, to stay clean, despite being more or less "in recovery" from this addiction for about eight years. After a while of being mostly clean, you forget how abysmal it is to have a bad relapse with multiple chasers and all the side effects from that. As bad as my life and mental health can be when I'm clean, oh boy does it good bad if I stop being clean for any length of time!

I did get some potential good news basically out of the blue today, but I'll stay calm about it as it might not work out, or it might not happen at all. And if it does work out, remain calm about it lol.

I need to avoid extremes of mood, perhaps extremes of anything. "Nothing too much."

Actually maybe there is one thing I can be extreme about - staying clean!
 

new reality

Member
So far so good this Sunday, in terms of staying clean. Sundays have been tricky for me in the past. I'm not sure if Sunday is still a particularly common day for me to reset these days, but anyway.

In an earlier thread, and with a different username (lol), I talked about hobbies quite a lot, especially tinkering with electronics and that kind of thing. I've been doing more of that than usual lately, which is good. Currently typing this on a Raspberry Pi computer.

Hell, may as well mention another hobby of mine, which is language learning.

In the past couple of months I've been quite intermittently depressed about something, which I won't talk about in too much detail for now. I'm not sure what will happen with that whole topic.

Anyway, maybe that's enough for today. Stay clean no matter what.
 

new reality

Member
Still clean. I did something very different today, which could / should lead to positive results, although it's also the kind of thing where one mistake could lead to a very negative result! But done carefully, it should be fine. I might be less vague about the matter in future posts.

Hopefully I'll do some electronics work this evening. I have something in mind.

Language learning has been on my mind but I haven't really done any yet today, so again, hopefully I'll get round to that. I should also do more passive learning, such as listening to foreign language content while doing other tasks.

I also discovered some content recently which may be helpful for my mental health issues (in my native language, English).

Another important thing for me to remember, of course, is not to go overboard doing things when I'm in a decent mood, as that seemed to be a fatal mistake recently.
 
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