The Shame

ImBroken

Member
As a couple (if you can refer to us as that) we are 60+ days out from his D-Day. Lots of friends, family and acquaintances have noticed “something is up” with us as a couple - missed engagements, declinations of party invites, etc.

What I am frustrated with is I can’t give anyone an honest answer about what is going on. I don’t want to “out” him. I have told one good friend, without detail, that there is an ”infidelity issue” - I’ve tried bluffing my way around it…but to some very important people (family - in-laws, nieces and nephews) I am just avoiding telling them much.

I have had 60 days to deal with what I ”would say” if asked “Uncle XXXX has a problem with porn - he was watching it multiple times a day, masturbating several times a day, paying men online to simulate sex with him, having numerous cyber affairs with faceless people across the world in an interactive porn game that he created and had tens of thousands of members…and we are no longer intimate because he can’t partake unless there is porn or fantasy involved…and that revolves around some dark and deviant shit that I want no part of” - “But otherwise - he’s doing great in recovery for himself…I feel like a worthless POS who’s life is devastated…but y’know….shit happens….Good to see you this Thanksgiving”

Yes, this post is part “pity party” for me - but the “secrets” are eating me up…not that I like thinking about them. As a recovering alcoholic - I can’t tell you how many times my spouse has easily stated to…anyone….”Mike doesn’t drink - he’s sober 30 years” - just so funny that alcohol addiction is so socially accepted - yet, P and Sex addiction is so taboo -

Its great that I have so many of you to share this with - but the resources available and the clinical understanding are CRAP. I am gently entering into exploring Betrayal Trauma as some of you have suggested. I will…and have….shouted from rooftops that I am an alcoholic - I would do anything to maintain my sobriety after 30 years of saving myself….I wonder how he will approach it?

The shame of it all.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Perhaps one way to share this is to simply say that your partner "is dealing with an addiction, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet".

I have not shared my addiction with anyone (and perhaps never will, because of the shame), but if and when I do, that's probably what I would say.
 

Jlied

Active Member
As a couple (if you can refer to us as that) we are 60+ days out from his D-Day. Lots of friends, family and acquaintances have noticed “something is up” with us as a couple - missed engagements, declinations of party invites, etc.

What I am frustrated with is I can’t give anyone an honest answer about what is going on. I don’t want to “out” him. I have told one good friend, without detail, that there is an ”infidelity issue” - I’ve tried bluffing my way around it…but to some very important people (family - in-laws, nieces and nephews) I am just avoiding telling them much.

I have had 60 days to deal with what I ”would say” if asked “Uncle XXXX has a problem with porn - he was watching it multiple times a day, masturbating several times a day, paying men online to simulate sex with him, having numerous cyber affairs with faceless people across the world in an interactive porn game that he created and had tens of thousands of members…and we are no longer intimate because he can’t partake unless there is porn or fantasy involved…and that revolves around some dark and deviant shit that I want no part of” - “But otherwise - he’s doing great in recovery for himself…I feel like a worthless POS who’s life is devastated…but y’know….shit happens….Good to see you this Thanksgiving”

Yes, this post is part “pity party” for me - but the “secrets” are eating me up…not that I like thinking about them. As a recovering alcoholic - I can’t tell you how many times my spouse has easily stated to…anyone….”Mike doesn’t drink - he’s sober 30 years” - just so funny that alcohol addiction is so socially accepted - yet, P and Sex addiction is so taboo -

Its great that I have so many of you to share this with - but the resources available and the clinical understanding are CRAP. I am gently entering into exploring Betrayal Trauma as some of you have suggested. I will…and have….shouted from rooftops that I am an alcoholic - I would do anything to maintain my sobriety after 30 years of saving myself….I wonder how he will approach it?

The shame of it all.
It’s weird right, why some addictions are celebrated and others are looked down upon. Perhaps because sexuality is so private, so objective, and easily judged. I mean don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he should broadcast the fact you were addicted but perhaps he was proud of you for being 30 years sober…..apples to apples though I bet he’d be mortified if you told everyone about addiction even if he made it 10, 20 years sober. It’s a creepy addiction, it’s dirty, but it’s also very personal.

I think it would be worth looking into betrayal trauma, not for his sake but yours, especially going forward. Even if you and your husband don’t make it you’ll want to be your best self in the event you were to meet someone later on. I don’t think you should worry so much about posting a pitty party, it’s not like you were consulted in any of this. Your collateral damage to a selfish and careless mindset. I hope some way some how you are able to start to feel some sort of normalcy again. I know it won’t be anytime in the immediate future but I do hope that you’re eventually able to move past this hurt and see blue skies again.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
@ImBroken the conundrum with the addiction and resources is that porn forever has been accepted as an okay thing. It has also been acceptable to blame the partner of the porn user. Based on those two things it gives the ability to have those as the fallback position. I heard from my husband he was looking but not touching. I told him but you were touching someone, yourself, your penis. And as a result of its the partner school of thought, we as SOs are relegated to silence mostly and look at our love for this person. We do not want to out them. Kinda fucked up. Sometimes I just said marriage has ups and downs, right now is a down time and went on. But inside I was dying.
 

ImBroken

Member
Thanks everyone - its always good to get different views. This is a cunning and baffling addiction - at least to me. It just seems like the significant others (me) get the shit end of the stick with the entire deal - The betrayal - which is enough on its own - The P - Now I am forever altered - can’t even look at swimwear ads without thinking - is this P? If this catalog is in the house - could it trigger him? Would he masturbate to it? And the SHAME - I know way too many details about his addiction, I’m not even sure he has detailed his recovery groups or therapists on the extent or details of the P he consumed. As I have stated so many times before - I am NO angel - but the rest of the world doesn’t know his dirty little secret - yet, I have to live with it (if I choose) and every other human on the planet thinks of him as they did previously. Ugh…this just REALLY SUCKS. I’m playing Monday Morning Quarterback a lot - what in the hell was he thinking - he’s losing his spouse and a majority of his life to P addiction - and it would still be going on had he not been “caught” - I have a hard time giving P credit for being all-consuming in his mind - he drove a car, paid bills, taught graduate students, flew a plane….but he never once thought about the consequences of what he was doing or the damage he would dump all over me. Just frustrated and venting. And time is NOT a friend right now - and the universal feeling I think all Significant Others feel at our core…is that we are less than…no matter what any addict says…I just cant let go of, what I believe is FACT, that I wasn’t enough…yet if recovery goes well - I will be?!?! All too frustrating right now….
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
I think it would be worth looking into betrayal trauma, not for his sake but yours, especially going forward. Even if you and your husband don’t make it you’ll want to be your best self in the event you were to meet someone later on.
This is a difficult area for me. My ego (outside the marriage) is well intact. Besides being intelligent, kind, helpful and generous, I can walk in a room and all heads turn. I won't lie, it boosted my ego. But I have a different perspective now.

It's hard to imagine a place were I will ever feel good enough for my husband. And I can't even begin to imagine dating again. P addiction is so prevalent, and when you look at the science behind it, and the ease of access, it's hard to believe there is a man out there that isn't addicted. Now when I walk in a room and men stare, I instantly think "p addict". And God forbid a man sitting with his wife stares at me - I literally hold my hand up to my face, middle finger proudly displayed.

The world is hypocritical - we are told to place value (self esteem) on inward qualities yet the reality is we are judged on face (or ass or tits) value.

Funny, my husband says "I never cheated on you" "I never touched another person". This actually is not helpful. If he had an affair with 1 or 2 women I would be comparing myself to them. Instead I am comparing myself to an infinite number of women, who have the benefit of the help of plastic surgeons, makeup, perfect lighting and cameras angles.

It's just difficult after this type of betrayal to wrap your brain around exposing your soul, much less your body to anyone.

That was a bit of a tangent...I'll sum up by saying that therapy for betrayal trauma may be helpful, but statistically, you may end right back in that same old boat.

How's that for positive thinking? Might need to work on that, but it feels like truth.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Thanks everyone - its always good to get different views. This is a cunning and baffling addiction - at least to me. It just seems like the significant others (me) get the shit end of the stick with the entire deal - The betrayal - which is enough on its own - The P - Now I am forever altered - can’t even look at swimwear ads without thinking - is this P? If this catalog is in the house - could it trigger him? Would he masturbate to it? And the SHAME - I know way too many details about his addiction, I’m not even sure he has detailed his recovery groups or therapists on the extent or details of the P he consumed. As I have stated so many times before - I am NO angel - but the rest of the world doesn’t know his dirty little secret - yet, I have to live with it (if I choose) and every other human on the planet thinks of him as they did previously. Ugh…this just REALLY SUCKS. I’m playing Monday Morning Quarterback a lot - what in the hell was he thinking - he’s losing his spouse and a majority of his life to P addiction - and it would still be going on had he not been “caught” - I have a hard time giving P credit for being all-consuming in his mind - he drove a car, paid bills, taught graduate students, flew a plane….but he never once thought about the consequences of what he was doing or the damage he would dump all over me. Just frustrated and venting. And time is NOT a friend right now - and the universal feeling I think all Significant Others feel at our core…is that we are less than…no matter what any addict says…I just cant let go of, what I believe is FACT, that I wasn’t enough…yet if recovery goes well - I will be?!?! All too frustrating right now….
A question popped in my head when I read this, and I will be pondering it myself today - If this were any other type of addiction, how would you handle it? (I am not implying anything - I am wondering if it can or can not be handled the same as if it were some other addiction and why.)

I already have thoughts forming, I'm curious what you think.
 

Jlied

Active Member
This is a difficult area for me. My ego (outside the marriage) is well intact. Besides being intelligent, kind, helpful and generous, I can walk in a room and all heads turn. I won't lie, it boosted my ego. But I have a different perspective now.

It's hard to imagine a place were I will ever feel good enough for my husband. And I can't even begin to imagine dating again. P addiction is so prevalent, and when you look at the science behind it, and the ease of access, it's hard to believe there is a man out there that isn't addicted. Now when I walk in a room and men stare, I instantly think "p addict". And God forbid a man sitting with his wife stares at me - I literally hold my hand up to my face, middle finger proudly displayed.

The world is hypocritical - we are told to place value (self esteem) on inward qualities yet the reality is we are judged on face (or ass or tits) value.

Funny, my husband says "I never cheated on you" "I never touched another person". This actually is not helpful. If he had an affair with 1 or 2 women I would be comparing myself to them. Instead I am comparing myself to an infinite number of women, who have the benefit of the help of plastic surgeons, makeup, perfect lighting and cameras angles.

It's just difficult after this type of betrayal to wrap your brain around exposing your soul, much less your body to anyone.

That was a bit of a tangent...I'll sum up by saying that therapy for betrayal trauma may be helpful, but statistically, you may end right back in that same old boat.

How's that for positive thinking? Might need to work on that, but it feels like truth.
Fair.
 

ImBroken

Member
@Sammyjo - Your “question” is and has been a mind fuck to me. I am so torn as a spouse in even attempting to offer help during his recovery. With other addictions - there is a such a clear path for success/deferral/avoidance/ - with this - everything could be a trigger. Last night - was watching the World Cup highlights and husband walked into the family room - and said, “Whoops - can’t see that - totally triggering” - I’ve always known that Latin Soccer Players were “his type” - don’t know if I want to/can/can comprehend this addiction since the addiction hurt me so badly. And I harken back to my safety spot - How could such a brilliant man - make such terrible choices and knowingly accept the fallout that came with it. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed - but when I quit smoking a hundred years ago…I knew it was bad for me - my husband hated the smell -in the car, on the deck, on the clothes - I knew it wasn’t good to smoke around others, pets…I knew I ran a risk of getting cancer. When I finally got my shit together and quit - it was for a lot of reasons…even an ultimatum ”If you are not going to quit smoking, we have to discuss our long term togetherness - I don’t want to be married to a smoker” - WTF - Why the hell did he choose porn over everything?!?!?!
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
It is a mind fuck.

I am trying (TRYING) to stay focused on changes I see in my husband. I think I posted about this in my vomiting thoughts thread - a few days ago I went up to his office to ask a question - normally I stand quietly and wait until he's done with whatever he's working on so as not to interrupt his train of thought. Sometimes it takes several minutes for him to look up. It's never bothered me. On this occasion he immediately looked up and asked "how can I help you". This happened again later in the day. It stood out to me. It was unusual (in a good way). The next day he shared an article that he had run across talking about how partners treat each other in successful relationships. One of the topics was about paying attention to each other - for example, if your partner yells to you from another room, do ignore, respond or go to the partner and respond. He told me that in reading the article he realized that he ignores. He decided to change that behavior. Not only did he decide to change that behavior, he also read an article that I didn't shove under his nose.

In that instant, I started to believe that I am important to him. Previously I felt as though any changes he was making were to placate me. So now I will try to stay focused on these things. Perhaps you can look at your husband choosing to to watch soccer as choosing you?
 
As a couple (if you can refer to us as that) we are 60+ days out from his D-Day. Lots of friends, family and acquaintances have noticed “something is up” with us as a couple - missed engagements, declinations of party invites, etc.

What I am frustrated with is I can’t give anyone an honest answer about what is going on. I don’t want to “out” him. I have told one good friend, without detail, that there is an ”infidelity issue” - I’ve tried bluffing my way around it…but to some very important people (family - in-laws, nieces and nephews) I am just avoiding telling them much.

I have had 60 days to deal with what I ”would say” if asked “Uncle XXXX has a problem with porn - he was watching it multiple times a day, masturbating several times a day, paying men online to simulate sex with him, having numerous cyber affairs with faceless people across the world in an interactive porn game that he created and had tens of thousands of members…and we are no longer intimate because he can’t partake unless there is porn or fantasy involved…and that revolves around some dark and deviant shit that I want no part of” - “But otherwise - he’s doing great in recovery for himself…I feel like a worthless POS who’s life is devastated…but y’know….shit happens….Good to see you this Thanksgiving”

Yes, this post is part “pity party” for me - but the “secrets” are eating me up…not that I like thinking about them. As a recovering alcoholic - I can’t tell you how many times my spouse has easily stated to…anyone….”Mike doesn’t drink - he’s sober 30 years” - just so funny that alcohol addiction is so socially accepted - yet, P and Sex addiction is so taboo -

Its great that I have so many of you to share this with - but the resources available and the clinical understanding are CRAP. I am gently entering into exploring Betrayal Trauma as some of you have suggested. I will…and have….shouted from rooftops that I am an alcoholic - I would do anything to maintain my sobriety after 30 years of saving myself….I wonder how he will approach it?

The shame of it all.
Your feelings are quite common to injured spouses / partners of porn addicts. My wife voiced the exact same concern about there being a "porn reel" running in my head while we are having sex. And... There was. My brain was conditioned to feed itself garbage and did not immediately alter that behavior. BUT. After seven months free I can attest that the internal porn reels run less and less, ( almost not at all at this point), and appreciation for my wife's beauty and feminine charms grows every time we engage. So, it can begin to diminish over time. Question... Has his behavior in things nonsexual changed at all? His temper. His perception of and response to facts presented? Has any new interests or hobbies outside of the porn world developed or is beginning to develop? Has his treatment of you outside the bedroom changed at all? These things are all indicators that his brain is indeed rebooting. As far as whether or not you should out him, I can't answer that. He MAY get to a point where he outs himself to a degree (I did), also an indicator that he is rebooting. But whether or not you out him is a judgement call on your part. At 60 days, he may not be ready for that particular stressor just yet... My wife had to decide "Is this relationship worth the effort to salvage". I think she was on the verge of splitting ties when I finally got sober and stayed that way. Had she not seen proof that I wanted to be free, I have no doubt I would not be with her today. She will never fully recover from the damage I caused her, but, she chose not to throw me away, and she has been a HUGE help to my remaining sober for 7 months. But she had to see effort on my part first. Does he really want to change? If he does he will progress. He may stumble, ( I did a few times) but if he gets back up and continues to do the work necessary to truly recover, that is a sign that he values you above the junk he has ingested for the past however many years. 60 days is a good sign in and of itself. Sorry, I get wordy.. Hope this helped a little...
 

ImBroken

Member
@The Tunesmith - I married Mr. Spock. Not a lot of emotions to begin with and socially awkward - let’s just say he was raised Mennonit/Amish. he is a professor and AMAZING in front of a room of students - amongst social situations - happy wallflower. I’m choosing NOT to get too involved with his recovery - TBH - there is not much time in his life for anything but work and his recovery. Its admirable that he is working so hard at it - And I am working hard as well - to find out if there is a ME - outside of the US. Maybe its a “Male/Male” thing? For the past 60 days he has been walking on eggshells around me (kinda nice) and our discussions about P addiction and our feelings are happening through emails - a suggestion of both of our therapists. Let me tell you though - you have one helluva wife - There are NO slips allowed after this incident - over, finished, done - and he has told me (which I believe) that if he does slip or use - he will let me know and suffer the consequences. He had us place all this monitoring software on computers, phones, tablets - I guess I am a shitty accountability partner - I have never checked - when he gives me his word - over the past 30 years - I never had to question it. His P addiction was so secretive - yet, wide open for me to see it - had I not been so trusting - he told me he knowingly abused that. Hard to hear.
Part of me wants to hear, on a daily basis how sorry he is and just what lengths he would go to to preserve our marriage - that’s not where he is at in his recovery I guess…or that is not him. When he was caught on D Day - I saw a scared, little boy - caught shoplifting and lying - I saw his world crumble before him - even though I didn’t see mine in shambles. He knows exactly where “we” are at - I tell him when I can. No promises - there is no goal he can reach to achieve “safety” - and wildly, I don’t know what I will do about the marriage…what I will not do is remain with someone incapable of loving me the way I want to be loved - and with someone who doesn’t have to use P or fantasy or other stimuli to get off during sex…that isn’t even on the table for discussion right now.
I know it is early - time is a major pain in the ass - I have never had it go so slow before in my life. But, for my own sanity - I need to prove to myself that I can make it without him - Having been socializing without him with some new friend groups, exploring new interests and also taking all compliments from those that find me attractive rather than shooing them away. I don’t wear my wedding band as I feel our vows were trashed by his infidelity. Like others have said - I WISH he would have been unfaithful with a live person over P fantasy - I do believe it would have been much less devastating.
For today, I am calm - I don’t have debilitating panic attacks out of nowhere - like I did last month (never suffered a panic attack in my life prior to D Dady) - I don’t cry for no reason at all while driving to the hospital every day to take care of sick people - BUT - I also don’t look at my husband with the respect, admiration and (I thought) undeniable love that I did prior to D Day - it has permanently changed and not in a positive direction. Im a firm believer in fate - what is meant to happen - will happen - and I am trying to live one day at a time - But damn - P addiction is a deadly addiction - it sure killed my love in almost an instant - it also broke my heart and fooled my soul - and has me questioning every single day of our 30 years together…but this addiction has nothing to do with me. GOD BLESS all the Significant Others who are working diligently to maintain their relationships…I’m just hanging on - waiting to decide what to do.
 

ImBroken

Member
@Sammyjo - That is a really cool experience with your husband - a “wow” moment. That is fantastic. I know you have more time than I do with this stuff and I hope, wish, want, pray - that I/we could get to an evolved state like that. I’m still so fucking angry - at him - at the addiction - at the fallout - I just want my best friend and partner back - the guy who I could communicate to with just a look…the guy who made our routines…less routine…my lovable nerd who seemed stable, content and happy. Now when sitting across from each other - I see an addict, a traitor and a shell of the man he once was. Hopefully/Maybe my feelings will change…I’m not sure because I have never felt this way about him in the 30+ years we have been together. The betrayal and let down seems insurmountable…but just taking it a day at a time.
 
@The Tunesmith - I married Mr. Spock. Not a lot of emotions to begin with and socially awkward - let’s just say he was raised Mennonit/Amish. he is a professor and AMAZING in front of a room of students - amongst social situations - happy wallflower. I’m choosing NOT to get too involved with his recovery - TBH - there is not much time in his life for anything but work and his recovery. Its admirable that he is working so hard at it - And I am working hard as well - to find out if there is a ME - outside of the US. Maybe its a “Male/Male” thing? For the past 60 days he has been walking on eggshells around me (kinda nice) and our discussions about P addiction and our feelings are happening through emails - a suggestion of both of our therapists. Let me tell you though - you have one helluva wife - There are NO slips allowed after this incident - over, finished, done - and he has told me (which I believe) that if he does slip or use - he will let me know and suffer the consequences. He had us place all this monitoring software on computers, phones, tablets - I guess I am a shitty accountability partner - I have never checked - when he gives me his word - over the past 30 years - I never had to question it. His P addiction was so secretive - yet, wide open for me to see it - had I not been so trusting - he told me he knowingly abused that. Hard to hear.
Part of me wants to hear, on a daily basis how sorry he is and just what lengths he would go to to preserve our marriage - that’s not where he is at in his recovery I guess…or that is not him. When he was caught on D Day - I saw a scared, little boy - caught shoplifting and lying - I saw his world crumble before him - even though I didn’t see mine in shambles. He knows exactly where “we” are at - I tell him when I can. No promises - there is no goal he can reach to achieve “safety” - and wildly, I don’t know what I will do about the marriage…what I will not do is remain with someone incapable of loving me the way I want to be loved - and with someone who doesn’t have to use P or fantasy or other stimuli to get off during sex…that isn’t even on the table for discussion right now.
I know it is early - time is a major pain in the ass - I have never had it go so slow before in my life. But, for my own sanity - I need to prove to myself that I can make it without him - Having been socializing without him with some new friend groups, exploring new interests and also taking all compliments from those that find me attractive rather than shooing them away. I don’t wear my wedding band as I feel our vows were trashed by his infidelity. Like others have said - I WISH he would have been unfaithful with a live person over P fantasy - I do believe it would have been much less devastating.
For today, I am calm - I don’t have debilitating panic attacks out of nowhere - like I did last month (never suffered a panic attack in my life prior to D Dady) - I don’t cry for no reason at all while driving to the hospital every day to take care of sick people - BUT - I also don’t look at my husband with the respect, admiration and (I thought) undeniable love that I did prior to D Day - it has permanently changed and not in a positive direction. Im a firm believer in fate - what is meant to happen - will happen - and I am trying to live one day at a time - But damn - P addiction is a deadly addiction - it sure killed my love in almost an instant - it also broke my heart and fooled my soul - and has me questioning every single day of our 30 years together…but this addiction has nothing to do with me. GOD BLESS all the Significant Others who are working diligently to maintain their relationships…I’m just hanging on - waiting to decide what to do.
Stick to your guns then. You have outlined to him the conditions for maintaining a relationship and for all intents and purposes he agreed. My wife set some strict conditions for me on D-Day 2.... There are many many similarities in your situation and my wife's (and thanks, she is a hell of a woman), you and she have both suffered all the indignities, shame and hurt associated with being wed to a PA. The only real difference is (bless your poor heart) you have TWO male egos to deal with here instead of only one. I wish you all the blessings receivable, and I hope that someday you are able to put that ring back on. But regardless, always remember, you are loved...
 

ImBroken

Member
Stick to your guns then. You have outlined to him the conditions for maintaining a relationship and for all intents and purposes he agreed. My wife set some strict conditions for me on D-Day 2.... There are many many similarities in your situation and my wife's (and thanks, she is a hell of a woman), you and she have both suffered all the indignities, shame and hurt associated with being wed to a PA. The only real difference is (bless your poor heart) you have TWO male egos to deal with here instead of only one. I wish you all the blessings receivable, and I hope that someday you are able to put that ring back on. But regardless, always remember, you are loved...
@The Tunesmith - Thanks so much. What I have not lost is HOPE…its shaken…but not gone for good. I do appreciate yours and others commentary to spouses - from the addicts’ standpoints. I am just so completely blown away at the UTTER PAIN, HURT, ANGUISH that this caused me and causes many of us. Its an endless maze as well and I continually am going down rabbit holes. The lack of answers, or at least the answers we Significant Others WANT to hear - its mind boggling. How the hell can you good people choose all of the P shit over US?!? Why, only now, that the addiction is brought to light - do you try to showcase that we are enough?!?! Tunesmith - I am NOT yelling at you directly - just at the world…please do not take it as an attack. I have never interfaced with my mind/thoughts as I have over the past two months…and beyond the constant pain, doubt and shame - its exhausting. Thanks for the vent - aside from this all consuming issue - there is still a lot to be Thankful for in my life…Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
@The Tunesmith - Thanks so much. What I have not lost is HOPE…its shaken…but not gone for good. I do appreciate yours and others commentary to spouses - from the addicts’ standpoints. I am just so completely blown away at the UTTER PAIN, HURT, ANGUISH that this caused me and causes many of us. Its an endless maze as well and I continually am going down rabbit holes. The lack of answers, or at least the answers we Significant Others WANT to hear - its mind boggling. How the hell can you good people choose all of the P shit over US?!? Why, only now, that the addiction is brought to light - do you try to showcase that we are enough?!?! Tunesmith - I am NOT yelling at you directly - just at the world…please do not take it as an attack. I have never interfaced with my mind/thoughts as I have over the past two months…and beyond the constant pain, doubt and shame - its exhausting. Thanks for the vent - aside from this all consuming issue - there is still a lot to be Thankful for in my life…Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.
I know this may be hard for you to understand but as you ask for the viewpoints from an addict I can assure you "we did not choose all of this P shit over you". Otherwise we would not be here. Just like many other addictions it is just that. An addiction. My wife has always been in the forefront of my thoughts, Not just since I decided to give up p. I am giving it up for my own reasons. I didint think of some warped fantasy while making love to her which we have done since before we were married. On a final mote I wish to thank you for referring to us addicts as "good people" its not something we hear here very often and it made my morning.

Post often it helps me it helps you
 
Thanks so much. What I have not lost is HOPE…its shaken…but not gone for good. I do appreciate yours and others commentary to spouses - from the addicts’ standpoints. I am just so completely blown away at the UTTER PAIN, HURT, ANGUISH that this caused me and causes many of us. Its an endless maze as well and I continually am going down rabbit holes. The lack of answers, or at least the answers we Significant Others WANT to hear - its mind boggling. How the hell can you good people choose all of the P shit over US?!? Why, only now, that the addiction is brought to light - do you try to showcase that we are enough?!?! Tunesmith - I am NOT yelling at you directly - just at the world…please do not take it as an attack. I have never interfaced with my mind/thoughts as I have over the past two months…and beyond the constant pain, doubt and shame - its exhausting. Thanks for the vent - aside from this all consuming issue - there is still a lot to be Thankful for in my life…Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.
I'm a little late to the conversation however, I am an addict of all sorts. Sex, P, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, etc. Like you originally posted, all other forms of addiction except for P are socially acceptable. I can't tell you why we chose P over our partners, there are a multitude of reasons. Early exposure to P, childhood trauma, loneliness, depression, isolation and the list goes on. What I know is that P will destroy a relationship if not dealt with carefully. Both sides feel responsible for the fallout. The user of P feels like a huge weight is off their chest once their secrets come out, and the betrayed partner feels like their whole relationship has been a lie. The truth has destroyed them. This is exactly, and what I have seen in your thread, happened to my marriage. I felt a huge weight off my shoulders while her world fell apart (D-Day) on the day I told her everything.

How we fixed our marriage: My wife insisted we attend Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado for one of their intensive treatments. After three days of counseling and groups, 12 hours a day, there was hope. I do SA (sex addiction) homework daily. I would attend meetings, however, I live in a small town and there are none. I stay in contact with a few gentlemen from the counseling center, and we do check-ins daily with each other and as a group once a week. As for my wife, she's now in recovery for betrayal trauma, which I would highly suggest you be involved in. It has helped her tremendously recover from the devastating effects that not only P did, but also my other addictions. I hope this helps, and you find happiness once again.
 
@The Tunesmith - Thanks so much. What I have not lost is HOPE…its shaken…but not gone for good. I do appreciate yours and others commentary to spouses - from the addicts’ standpoints. I am just so completely blown away at the UTTER PAIN, HURT, ANGUISH that this caused me and causes many of us. Its an endless maze as well and I continually am going down rabbit holes. The lack of answers, or at least the answers we Significant Others WANT to hear - its mind boggling. How the hell can you good people choose all of the P shit over US?!? Why, only now, that the addiction is brought to light - do you try to showcase that we are enough?!?! Tunesmith - I am NOT yelling at you directly - just at the world…please do not take it as an attack. I have never interfaced with my mind/thoughts as I have over the past two months…and beyond the constant pain, doubt and shame - its exhausting. Thanks for the vent - aside from this all consuming issue - there is still a lot to be Thankful for in my life…Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.
No worries. I don't feel attacked. I stopped feeling that way quite some time ago. And I never really looked at it, as joepanic also said, as choosing porn over my wife, it was more like a dirty supplement, which I now realize I didn't ever really need, but that of course does not an any way lessen or excuse the damage our addiction caused our significant. Happy TG...
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
I married Mr. Spock. Not a lot of emotions to begin with and socially awkward - let’s just say he was raised Mennonit/Amish
OMG, that was my wife! :rolleyes: After a few years together, I realized she was really married to her work and I was just a roommate. A quick and relatively painless divorce.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
The user of P feels like a huge weight is off their chest once their secrets come out, and the betrayed partner feels like their whole relationship has been a lie.
My man (ex) felt nothing but a total weight on his shoulders when everything came out, he can't get past the hurt he has caused, thinks he can't change, thinks he'll lie again, hurt me again.....yet once I worked through the shock of the betrayal I felt the weight was lifted and ready to make things work........and yet as I write this, he did all of those things again....... he took me away last weekend for my Birthday, because he didn't want me to be alone, I wonder why he wanted to do that???? We had a lovely weekend, really connected and had a lot of fun, we had some intimacy, although it was a little off, but I knew he was working on his recovery so wasn't that fazed. The day we got home he became distant again, I asked what he wanted to have happen with us from here, he got very anxious and said he didn't know if he could be in a relationship, I said OK, I don't want you to feel pressured, why don't you have a bit of space for a couple of days and I'll come up on Wednesday night. So on the Wednesday night I cooked him dinner, we went for a walk, I praised him on how well he was doing with his recovery and was so proud of him for getting to 40 days of no PMO & MO, I gave him a massage, had some light intimacy, but he didn't seem into it......my gut told me something was up.... his dick always does this weird thing when he has been doing PMO, like he's had an iceblock stick shoved in it to get an erection......it's standing straight up, but all soft......sorry for that graphic description!!!!!!
Today he text me after his Counselling session to say that he had PMO the night we got back from our weekend break and that he was sorry and should of told me......I felt so disrespected that he would lie to my face, I'm asking myself if I'm just a cum sock to him.......I am a beautiful sexy woman, who has been nothing but kind, loving and soooooo patient with him and I don't understand why he treats me this way!
I rang to talk to him to tell him I felt shocked and emotional by the revelation, I said I didn't understand how we could have this wonderful weekend together and could have all the intimacy with me......but then the minute I was gone, he's jerking off to porn......I think these are the types of WHY questions we as partners struggle with. His reaction was brutal, he said 'what's it got to do with you', I said 'well it's hurt me, and your acting like a shitty little liar"........ he said 'fuk this shit, goodbye, and hang up on me', and I haven't heard another word from him all evening. He will be playing the 'well I told you I didn't want a relationship card'. 'see this is why I can't be in a relationship'........ and I'm left feeling like I don't have a leg to stand on and shouldn't even be entitled to feel angry, as I'm just his ex after all!!!!!
 
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