The Shame

My man (ex) felt nothing but a total weight on his shoulders when everything came out, he can't get past the hurt he has caused, thinks he can't change, thinks he'll lie again, hurt me again....
I, too, felt that after I had told her of all the affairs, P, drug, and alcohol use. I hated seeing her so distant and feeling worthless because of my actions. I had the feeling of regret for telling her. Furthermore, I knew that all the damage I had done to her self-respect, self-image were because of my infidelity and addictions.
The day we got home he became distant again, I asked what he wanted to have happen with us from here, he got very anxious and said he didn't know if he could be in a relationship; I gave him a massage, had some light intimacy, but he didn't seem into it
I'll speak for myself on this one. When ever I had relapsed, no matter what the addiction, I always went back to feeling guilt/shame. It's the cycle of addiction. I had to learn how to get past the initial cravings, what was behind the craving, in order to cut ties to the cycle.
He doesn't know if he can be in a relationship is an excuse IMO. An excuse for his actions and not taking full responsibility, a lot of gas lighting is going on I would bet. It's what I would do to my wife. "You don't want to be married to me, I'm a bad person", "You don't know what you're getting into", and so forth.
my gut told me something was up....
99% of the time, trust your gut on these situations. Eventually, and maybe this is already happening, you will doubt yourself and your own intuition. With being in a relationship or involved in an addict's life, your gut has to be your barometer. Being active in my addictions, I always lied to my wife about my use and gas lighted the hell out of her to throw her off or put all the blame on her, that all of it was her fault. Trust your gut, girl!
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
@Beautiful1973 it is so tough to go through the “healing”. My husband said I am glad you know, now I can stop. The fuck? As long as I didn’t know you could do it? Then there were the words he came up with designed to hurt. I had been through a surgery on my neck the year prior to D-day. It left me with no energy at all. I was 58 and did not bounce back. D Day was a year later. He told me I did not wear make up often enough. My lady parts were not as optimal any longer. (Due to childbirth). I needed to dress more sexy. And his preferred watch was 2 women. It was brutal. Working through it all was tough. We had a 27 year marriage and what I thought was we were like roommates. I did not know he had a robust sex life with his hand while I had no sex life. It is worth mentioning that people think I am 50 not 70. So I am not unattractive. He just went with magazines and Cinemax. (Glad not computer). But like others I questioned the whole marriage and asked why he married me at all. So I guess my statement to you would be find someone else. If I had not been married, I would not have stayed. At all. We are excellent now, although on occasion I am triggered.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
So I guess my statement to you would be find someone else.
If only it was that simple @Gracie, I’m actually really scared to meet someone else, to trust someone, to ask them if they watch porn….. porn has made me feel so ugly and unlovable, which is so unfair, because deep down I know I’m a bit of a babe and could pass for 10 years younger.
 
If only it was that simple @Gracie, I’m actually really scared to meet someone else, to trust someone, to ask them if they watch porn….. porn has made me feel so ugly and unlovable, which is so unfair, because deep down I know I’m a bit of a babe and could pass for 10 years younger.
I don't know what it's like to have trust shattered by a loved one, I can only imagine and see the effects it has on those who were involved. Find some way, somehow to view yourself as beautiful and loveable.
 
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