I was thinking of that time I managed to reach my highest streak which lasted around forty days (years ago). And I am trying to remember what got me so far, because I have not only not made any new improvement on my recovery but my addiction has gotten worst. The consumption of pornography and the rate of masturbation is the same, but the mind feels more damaged than ever.
So what got me through that time? I had a self respect mentality and I accepted myself. If I was to suffer of solitude, rejection, past trauma, or any other negative psychological and emotional disturbances...then I would not give in to anger or hate. Nowadays when something important displeases me I get angry, disappointed, resentful, hateful, and sad. I do not act on those psychological and emotional negative states, but they do affect me. Back then it did not happen to me, somehow. It was because I accepted myself more than I do now. Today I am displeased at myself and my life, I do not really think I deserve anything nor that I am worthy, simply put I am disgusted at myself. I think I am a loser, to be honest. And certainly there are many colors to the rainbow and objectively it could be said that I am not, that I have a serious addiction that has negatively impacted my life, but that there are achievements to my life for me to appreciate and value. BUT I do not appreciate nor value anything. I can logically come to the conclusion that sure, the achievements were good, but emotionally I do not reach that conclusion. Emotionally I am completely feeling like a loser and I think that I have to acknowledge this before making any other step. And I feel like a loser because there are solid reasons to feel that way. I have lost and I have not been able to pick myself up and win. Logically, that is a loser.
Now that I finally stopped suppressing that feeling I can work on changing my reality. And to change it I first need to accept it. I can start through action cleaning up my mind and let it heal naturally through the course of recovery. A healed mind will hopefully not feel the emotions the way I feel them now and will be able to value life again. Moreover, a healed mind could craft winning actions.
The point is that I cannot create my new self with the blink of an eye. I will work on creating my new self or die trying.