Day IV
Life is beautiful right now (this is a choice we make). I'm handling this issue of addiction well again, and I am making my days count. Changes can be done in small amounts of time.
A few hours after I wrote this yesterday a "blessing" came to my life.
Some necessary background: If you follow my journal you might remember that a few weeks ago I approached a woman I regularly cross paths with (we do the same activity) and invited her to have a conversation for a few minutes, and the conversation went well. I'm still happy for how brave I was. Well after that nothing happened (I did got her number, but nothing)...whenever I saw her I perceived a certain unwillingness in her, so i thought it best not to bother her and didn't approach again.
Well, yesterday I was thinking of her and wrote a short poem, then put it on my stories in the messaging app I use. The poem wasn't really about her (not at all), it was about life, but she was my inspiration.
I dropped the phone and went to sleep but then I got some intuition and picked the phone again and checked the chat I have with her, it said she was writting (for 6 minutes).
She texted me and we barley exchanged a few sentences but guys, it was profound stuff. I connected intuitively, emotionally with her. In a way that I cannot easly explain.
Besides, for years I have been posting phrases and poems and the best I got of past relationships was "How beautiful" "come over" "how are you?" This woman's response shocked me in a good way, no one ever shared my train of thought like that, her answer was a following up of my own poem.
Let's say that maybe nothing else happens, maybe she doesn't likes me or things just can't work out, well I still take this as an amazing sign for my life. As a renewed healthy view on women. But yes today and tomorrow I am going to approach her with the equal bravery I did before. And it is really fine if nothing else happens, what a I know though is that with my new attitude I am not going to get resented or hateful about it. I am sure about myself and open to whatever is to come; willing, strong, active, centered.
BTW, if something does happens I will pursue it with maturity and integrity. No playing around, no lack of a willingness to commit from my part. I love that I finally accept myself just as I am.
It is beyond obvious to say that all of these changes are due to my successful recovery journey.
Yesterday and today were the days that I was going to talk again with this woman who inspired me to write a poem.
Thing is, since I met her she has been going back and forth, sometimes looking and acting as if she wishes me to don't bother her and other times like Monday night texting me profound stuff in reaction to my poem. Also she has used these sort of emojis
, yeah it might mean nothing but I thought it a positive thing.
We do class together but only on Wednesday's we coincide on a break, so I know that then I have a chance to have a conversation. Yesterday I saw her and we smiled, after class I was going to speak to her and approached but she left fast and didn't even looked at my direction. I'm a highly instinctive person and took it as a terrible sign, she ignored me.
Today (Wednesday) I felt sad, intuitively knowing that I even though I would take my shot I was going to go to bed feeling sad and lonely, my intuition told me she was going to be distant again and the messages we exchanged were going to be left in the memories of the past.
As I walked to class I told myself that I had two options:
A) I get brought down to my knees by this situation, curl up in a ball, cry, fall back to a world of fantasy and masturbate.
B) Say yes to the good and the bad things of life. Face life. Let the punches of life carve me as a sculptor carves his sculpture. Let me face lìfe with a face high.
I chosed option B...
Before entering class I saw a good friend of mine from last year talking with a woman I also crossed paths with a year ago but never interacted with her, I did had a crush though. Nonetheless I went to say hi to him only, but she actually approached me and I caught up with that really quit and we basically talked for like 10 minutes, highly flirty conversation. I am impressed by how confident I was and how well the conversation went. Not going to lie she made it easy for me, she is a highly outgoing person. But still, if I haven't got the right attitude I would not even have said a single word, and I spoke really well instead.
Anyways I left and told her that our mutual friend had my number, if she wanted to hit me up. I went to class, not thinking she was ever going text me and focusing on the woman I wrote the poem for...well, poem muse didn't even showed up. Even the Martians knew that today was
the day for us, today was the day we would finally talk and go a step further in a relationship that I wanted to be serious...this is a woman I think is wife material. She didn't even showed up. And she always does.
She also didn't answered the text I sent to her earlier today. I hope she is fine, of course. But I cannot be so innocent about this; my take is she has a boyfriend, that is why she goes back and forth.
Well. I was bothered, finding the whole situation funny (laugh so as not to cry sort of thing). And I checked my phone
It was the other woman, who asked our mutual friend for my number. We talked a bit, and we are going on a date this Saturday
I asked her out. This is the first date with someone I barely know...heck, the first date of my adult life (yep). Oh and she is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in person (I'm not exaggerating she is beautiful, a 10). I really like her personality as well! Very much actually, I know other girls speak bad behind her back because they are super jealous of her confidence, brightness, happy attitude to life, initiative. She is a real one and it seems she fits perfectly with me, ours was a very natural interaction.
I hope this serves as motivation and an example of how a life can change for the best. My intention is not to show off but to tell you how much this is a blessing for me. Guys this is the first day of my adult life (I've had relationships in the past, but never dated before being in the relationship, and only a few relationships). I used to be a worm. I am a man now. You might read that I'm on day 5 but I truly own all of this to my porn addiction recovery, I am writting this last bit with tears in my eyes, and that is how much this journey means for me...tears of happines, of healing.
I wish everyone the best. Say yes to life, to all of it.
. So much suffering.