Day XIV?
I messed up, but not a step backwards. It's more like stepping forward I stepped on the mud.
Yesterday I ended up texting with both the women I'm interested in, I basically told them about the new job and they congratulated me. With the one I already went on a date with we arranged a second one, the other woman I will see today when I study.
The problem is that they are both beautiful inside and out, my age, and clearly we connected. One is definitely girlfriend material, the other one (the one I will date) is trouble-I mean that she is a high value woman, on high demand, highly demanding, very independent and although she is very conservative on the sex area she is highly liberal on everything else...she is not a woman who wishes to settle down.
And both are playing the long game. I think both see me as a long term potential partner but are either not entirely sure about it or are just making sure that I really want them as something serious.
My problem is that they don't know that no matter how much my attitude has changed or how much I can attract them I have spent years of loneliness and not practicing masturbation and having eliminated pornography from my life are not helping me. Ok I will just put it this way: I want to have sex, but much more than that...I want the human contact I lacked for many years.
Them being extremely beautiful but playing hard to get is not helping. At least I would like one to commit emotionally, if not physically. I would be fine with that.
Anyways I messed up today because I went out to seek human contact with a prostitute; keep in mind that I was clear with her that I only wanted contact (like cuddling), a conversation, and not sex. Besides, I only payed half an hour. But I did wanted to see her naked, which is another form of contact and intimacy, but on her insistence I ended up staying for two hours and a half (I didn't pay for the extra time). And of course we ended having sex, on her insistence. But in all honesty I think that I seduced her in our conversation and I feel terrible about it, I feel terrible with going with her in the first place. I cannot believe how or why, with having secured a second date with a model (and a beautiful mind that I love) I needed to do this shit. Worst thing is that the prostitute really liked me and is now texting me and stuff, and it's terrible.
I feel like I cheated (even though I technically did not). And now I feel like I'm playing three ways.
Btw I lasted a few second only in sex. A bit worrying. I don't have ED though so that's good. Maybe lasting a few seconds is due a complete lack of practice.
This is what I will do: I will reset my counter. And I will learn from my mistake. I will respect myself more and the people I'm interested in. I will do some redemption and I will start to let women know that I want something serious and I don't have all the time in the world for it, because I don't masturbate nor watch porn.
I feel terrible about the whole situation. Wish things weren't as complicated. It's alright though! Life is good and I need to see all the improvements I've made! I have the job I wanted, I do the sport I love, I'm gaining friends and acquaintances, and I'm dating/interacting with beautiful women.
Redemption!!! I will redeem myself I promise you this.
But today I feel terrible and ashamed.