Coding the Mind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Get some exercise and trust the timing. Most delays in life are due to something other than what we imagine.
Yes! Many times there is learning as well in waiting. Waiting can be an opportunity to feel if we truly care for what we are waiting for. It can be an experience that shapes us as humans. And sometimes the reason for waiting is not that bad as sometimes we imagine.

For example: After I posted that short paragraph about my anger I got the call from the job I interviewed for yesterday and I've got it. 😄 You cannot imagine my happiness I truly wanted this job specifically and I am so eager to be responsible and professional...to thank them for their trust in me with hard and well done work.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day XIV?

I messed up, but not a step backwards. It's more like stepping forward I stepped on the mud.

Yesterday I ended up texting with both the women I'm interested in, I basically told them about the new job and they congratulated me. With the one I already went on a date with we arranged a second one, the other woman I will see today when I study.

The problem is that they are both beautiful inside and out, my age, and clearly we connected. One is definitely girlfriend material, the other one (the one I will date) is trouble-I mean that she is a high value woman, on high demand, highly demanding, very independent and although she is very conservative on the sex area she is highly liberal on everything else...she is not a woman who wishes to settle down.

And both are playing the long game. I think both see me as a long term potential partner but are either not entirely sure about it or are just making sure that I really want them as something serious.

My problem is that they don't know that no matter how much my attitude has changed or how much I can attract them I have spent years of loneliness and not practicing masturbation and having eliminated pornography from my life are not helping me. Ok I will just put it this way: I want to have sex, but much more than that...I want the human contact I lacked for many years.

Them being extremely beautiful but playing hard to get is not helping. At least I would like one to commit emotionally, if not physically. I would be fine with that.

Anyways I messed up today because I went out to seek human contact with a prostitute; keep in mind that I was clear with her that I only wanted contact (like cuddling), a conversation, and not sex. Besides, I only payed half an hour. But I did wanted to see her naked, which is another form of contact and intimacy, but on her insistence I ended up staying for two hours and a half (I didn't pay for the extra time). And of course we ended having sex, on her insistence. But in all honesty I think that I seduced her in our conversation and I feel terrible about it, I feel terrible with going with her in the first place. I cannot believe how or why, with having secured a second date with a model (and a beautiful mind that I love) I needed to do this shit. Worst thing is that the prostitute really liked me and is now texting me and stuff, and it's terrible.

I feel like I cheated (even though I technically did not). And now I feel like I'm playing three ways.

Btw I lasted a few second only in sex. A bit worrying. I don't have ED though so that's good. Maybe lasting a few seconds is due a complete lack of practice.

This is what I will do: I will reset my counter. And I will learn from my mistake. I will respect myself more and the people I'm interested in. I will do some redemption and I will start to let women know that I want something serious and I don't have all the time in the world for it, because I don't masturbate nor watch porn.

I feel terrible about the whole situation. Wish things weren't as complicated. It's alright though! Life is good and I need to see all the improvements I've made! I have the job I wanted, I do the sport I love, I'm gaining friends and acquaintances, and I'm dating/interacting with beautiful women.

Redemption!!! I will redeem myself I promise you this.

But today I feel terrible and ashamed.
 
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CodeTheMind

Active Member
Ok feeling better already. My problems are nothing compared to the problems I had a few months ago, or compared with people facing real problems.

Yes, I need to learn a lot still in this life. And I need to respect myself and those I care for better, that redemption objective is still on. At the same time I really accept my imperfection, this new lifestyle is new to me and having discovered my true potential (one that has no limits as far as I am concerned) I am meant to make mistakes. I will take the hit and keep going with a smile on my face.

I will focus on committing to a relationship if it happens that the other person accepts such commitment.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day XIV?

I messed up, but not a step backwards. It's more like stepping forward I stepped on the mud.

Yesterday I ended up texting with both the women I'm interested in, I basically told them about the new job and they congratulated me. With the one I already went on a date with we arranged a second one, the other woman I will see today when I study.

The problem is that they are both beautiful inside and out, my age, and clearly we connected. One is definitely girlfriend material, the other one (the one I will date) is trouble-I mean that she is a high value woman, on high demand, highly demanding, very independent and although she is very conservative on the sex area she is highly liberal on everything else...she is not a woman who wishes to settle down.

And both are playing the long game. I think both see me as a long term potential partner but are either not entirely sure about it or are just making sure that I really want them as something serious.

My problem is that they don't know that no matter how much my attitude has changed or how much I can attract them I have spent years of loneliness and not practicing masturbation and having eliminated pornography from my life are not helping me. Ok I will just put it this way: I want to have sex, but much more than that...I want the human contact I lacked for many years.

Them being extremely beautiful but playing hard to get is not helping. At least I would like one to commit emotionally, if not physically. I would be fine with that.

Anyways I messed up today because I went out to seek human contact with a prostitute; keep in mind that I was clear with her that I only wanted contact (like cuddling), a conversation, and not sex. Besides, I only payed half an hour. But I did wanted to see her naked, which is another form of contact and intimacy, but on her insistence I ended up staying for two hours and a half (I didn't pay for the extra time). And of course we ended having sex, on her insistence. But in all honesty I think that I seduced her in our conversation and I feel terrible about it, I feel terrible with going with her in the first place. I cannot believe how or why, with having secured a second date with a model (and a beautiful mind that I love) I needed to do this shit. Worst thing is that the prostitute really liked me and is now texting me and stuff, and it's terrible.

I feel like I cheated (even though I technically did not). And now I feel like I'm playing three ways.

Btw I lasted a few second only in sex. A bit worrying. I don't have ED though so that's good. Maybe lasting a few seconds is due a complete lack of practice.

This is what I will do: I will reset my counter. And I will learn from my mistake. I will respect myself more and the people I'm interested in. I will do some redemption and I will start to let women know that I want something serious and I don't have all the time in the world for it, because I don't masturbate nor watch porn.

I feel terrible about the whole situation. Wish things weren't as complicated. It's alright though! Life is good and I need to see all the improvements I've made! I have the job I wanted, I do the sport I love, I'm gaining friends and acquaintances, and I'm dating/interacting with beautiful women.

Redemption!!! I will redeem myself I promise you this.

But today I feel terrible and ashamed.

Hilarious situation now that I look back at the post I wrote. I will laugh it off and responsibly learn from this. Life is about experiencing, if I stay hidden in my room I wont experience anything.

This has made me more secure about what I truly want and that is a girlfriend, a serious relationship. And I decided that out of the three woman the one I wrote the poem for is who I will choose. Let's see what happens.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
OMG @CodeTheMind. I'm not laughing AT you, I'm just laughing, and that was one hell of a story. I'm glad now you find humor in it too.

We live and learn. I'm glad you're living and getting out from your lonely past existence, that's what this is all about. Now you know what you want, and that's a good thing.

Keep it up brother, or should I say, lady killer. ;)
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
OMG @CodeTheMind. I'm not laughing AT you, I'm just laughing, and that was one hell of a story. I'm glad now you find humor in it too.

We live and learn. I'm glad you're living and getting out from your lonely past existence, that's what this is all about. Now you know what you want, and that's a good thing.

Keep it up brother, or should I say, lady killer. ;)

Thanks man!
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Just want to remind you that no one every died of horniness, so next time you feel obliged to take extreme measures...try exercise instead. ;)
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day I

For the reasons stated yesterday today I reset my counter, but not for any other reason.

Calm day today. I have done some progress with my relationships but nothing too certain or clear to be able to give much of my attention to it. Things are still on development and that is alright.

I'm actually glad for a calm day because I need to go back to a normal routine after yesterday's conflicting and yet not so conflicting chaotic adventure.

I feel fresh and chill, while at the same time centered and attentive. I like this life much more than my life in my past.
 

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
Besides, I only payed half an hour. But I did wanted to see her naked, which is another form of contact and intimacy, but on her insistence I ended up staying for two hours and a half (I didn't pay for the extra time). And of course we ended having sex, on her insistence. But in all honesty I think that I seduced her in our conversation and I feel terrible about it
The king of game! My guy pulled a prostitute!
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
The king of game! My guy pulled a prostitute!
It is time for me to admit to myself that I am capable of getting women. Not only for this but also for the two non-prostitues I am currently interacting with/dating.

I was trapped under a mindset induced by years of lonely porn consumption. And just now I wake up to the fact of my potential in relationships but also many other areas of life. Every time I watched porn I felt like a weakling who couldn't get the women he wanted, and it felt as if life itself was against me, not anymore.

Right, now that I embraced a new lifestyle I need to navigate it well. There's no reason to hurt other people or to go down the rabbit whole. I'm learning from this new life as well. I'm just saying that this, however morally questionable (I no longer feel the moral eye of society on me though, I create my own morality), is much better than Gollum's lifestyle of lonely porn use.

Bravery is the key.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day II

Taking the day for self-improvement. It is nice to have a balanced life, solitude and social life can be balanced and that is the healthiest thing for me.

A fourth woman appeared in my life, a former childhood friend who lives away and is a young single mother who has a very respectful life nowdays. I'm not sure what to make of her texting me (she found out that I'm turning my life around), maybe she was just bored, but I'm not looking forward to starting some sort of platonic relationship with her-even if there is a potential opportunity for meeting in person and pursuing something serious. Not matter how beautiful she is and how much I respect her, I don't want to deal with the pain of long distance or failed expectations! A few months ago I would have taken this opportunity, but I'm not that desperate man anymore.
I know other men would and not necessarily out of desperation but rather for high hopes on idealistic love...I don't have that. I believe in serious relationships but not in fairytales. If I start a relationship with my classmate that's less of an idealistic fantasy, but it is much more real than imagining a relationship with my childhood friend. Honestly, it is good to not be a white knight anymore. I feel better.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day III

Everything is going well! I don't have any major events or changes to report.

I think the following quote defines me well right now “A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future.” Albert Einstein.

I remember how I used to be concerned everyday with a thousand issues, mostly emotional issues. It is great to have walked away from those concerns that shaped themselves in the form of neurosis. My psychologist helped me out to heal neurosis in such a short time since starting sessions just two months ago, every single problem I reported to him is now either solved or solving itself.

And the new challenges life presents me with make me feel alive and wanting to live, the challenges motivate me to get better, to learn and experience.

In the end it was true: I can juggle three apples but not a thousand. Getting rid of so many apples was the best, bravest, and most intelligent decision of my life.

Bravery is key.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day IV

Boring day ahead of me: doctor appointment, forced vaccination, bank visit, and other burocratic stuff that I need to do.

These things really hit me, I value my freedom.

It's ok. I will try to have the best possible day under its circumstances.

It's not that bad anyways, I have a lot to be thankful for. Just trying to write something here to keep the daily journal going.

Patience!
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day V

Alas...things are going well in general but not on the romance area. When I say things are not going well I'm not trying to dramatize things, I think I'm handling it correctly as any man could.

Lets take the hits and keep going, no one is taking that mentality away from me. There are a lot of good things happening, a lot of indicators of a promising future and a promising life ahead (the present is also something to value and be thankful for). In the meantime I have to take the hits.

Right now it is especially saddening but I know it's momentary. The sadness is momentary, the solitude...I don't know about the solitude. I might be destined for solitude, yet I take this very words with a grain of salt because I know it is the me who is hurting who is talking. And I am much more than that.

Anyways! I will keep going. If no one wishes to climb the mountain with me so be it. When I'm on top they can forget about me, if I arrive alone I'll enjoy it alone. Scary to think that to survive, and to survive alone, one risks becoming evil.

The prize of having a good heart is that it becomes the prey of those who don't have one.
 
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CodeTheMind

Active Member
A poem by Kahlil Gibran

Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break,that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder
at the daily miracles of your life, your pain
would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your
heart, even as you have always accepted
the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity
through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the
physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink
his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided
by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips,
has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter
has moistened with His own sacred tears.
 
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