Coding the Mind

[CodeTheMind]

So sorry to hear that.

Day VI

It's alright! Warriors are made by punches. I knew yesterday was momentary and I'm doing better. I did had to write about my sadness, ignoring that stuff is not the road I would advice to anyone, but after I addressed the issue I got better.

 

[CodeTheMind]

I was angry all day haha. From yesterday's sadness to today's anger, that's a sign of will to power at least. I will just respect the seasons of the heart.

I'm currently fighting with Life. Nothing really that serious going on, but I'm sort of standing and willing to take the hits. It is bothersome because today I wanted to do a second session of workout and was too emotional to do it...so I logged in to write this.

I have been completely ghosted by everyone during these last few days. It is particularly strange because I did nothing that could cause such a thing, it feels very strange and maybe it's just a momentary thing...and a coincidence. But still, intuitively...the winds have changed in the strangest of manners. This is also me being too short sighted, because certainly I could text or try to talk with someone new in person and I could get something going. But still...I don't feel like doing that right now because it is too much of an emotional weight having (apparently) lost so many people in the blink of an eye, I don't feel like talking to anyone new right now, will do so as soon as I'm feeling better. Fuck being an extroverted outcast.

I have a lot of acquaintances, a lot of people who like me, but no-one is truly my friend. I have some success with women as well, but none feels anything for me beyond superficial attraction to a body, a face, and a personality. Everything goes away.

I'm probably being stupid.

Anyways this is by all means momentary. I don't wish to cause whoever reads my journal to feel bad, please don't! This is my way of handling my emotions and going through my life journey. The big picture looks great. I won't be defeated by a few bad chapters.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @CodeTheMind, this stuff unfortunately does happens sometimes. Question, are they not responding to your texts or phone calls? I'm a little confused as to what is exactly going on. Could it be just a little momentary break before they reach out again? Sometimes people get busy or maybe just need a little "space". If you're not dating, which I don't think you were (it was just the beginning), a few days in between means absolutely nothing with no contact.

In the past I've been in these situations and yes, they're no fun to experience, especially for your confidence. I without doubt learned that many people don't know how to say no, thus, they just say nothing. However, sometimes after reflection, I did realized it was my fault too or I at least I contributed something to the mix.

This is also me being too short sighted, because certainly I could text or try to talk with someone new in person and I could get something going. But still...I don't feel like doing that right now because it is too much of an emotional weight having (apparently) lost so many people in the blink of an eye, I don't feel like talking to anyone new right now, will do so as soon as I'm feeling better.

I get this. When your mojo has been thrown off it's difficult to get back out there again. I think the trick with all of this, although it's easier said then done, is to get to a place where you don't "need" a woman to love yourself and be happy, you just want a woman to make your life more enjoyable and be a companion.

I'm probably being stupid.

You're not being stupid, just being human. Welcome to the club!

 

[CodeTheMind]

Hey @CodeTheMind, this stuff unfortunately does happens sometimes. Question, are they not responding to your texts or phone calls? I'm a little confused as to what is exactly going on. Could it be just a little momentary break before they reach out again? Sometimes people get busy or maybe just need a little "space". If you're not dating, which I don't think you were (it was just the beginning), a few days in between means absolutely nothing with no contact.

In the past I've been in these situations and yes, they're no fun to experience, especially for your confidence. I without doubt learned that many people don't know how to say no, thus, they just say nothing. However, sometimes after reflection, I did realized it was my fault too or I at least I contributed something to the mix.

I get this. When your mojo has been thrown off it's difficult to get back out there again. I think the trick with all of this, although it's easier said then done, is to get to a place where you don't "need" a woman to love yourself and be happy, you just want a woman to make your life more enjoyable and be a companion.

You're not being stupid, just being human. Welcome to the club!

Thanks Blondie,

It's a mash-up of things, both with friends and romance.

On the romance area I had two women on my radar:

A) Classmate. I'm convinced by now she has some sort of psychological issue, my own psychologist thinks the same based on what I told him. Basically she is two different women depending on the day, she was friendly and flirty with me for weeks and then out of the sudden when I asked her out in public she transformed into some disgusting narcissistic character, her demeanor was so off that two other female classmates that I get along with got really angry at her, if I hadn't played it chill they might have started a verbal argument. Psychologist says I just got really bad luck. Well I blocked this woman but I got really sad.

B) Model/actress I went on a many hours date with and then had a super profound and long conversation through text the days following up. We had set a second date, but she was meant to tell me which day of the weekend was her day off and hasn't told me anything. I think I'll never hear from her again lol.

I get your words, I think this is solely momentary and I will reconnect with people as soon as possible.

Yes of course, the objective is to be a complete man by ourselves. My issue is that i feel I'm somewhere there, but people keep disappointing me. I see others having real and long term relationships and I find it difficult to understand why not me, from an objective point of view. I think I'm attracted to and I attract the wrong women, not matter how beautiful they might be.

I could go to a nightclub and likely with some effort get a one night stand, but that's just not me. Therefore I'm not having sex, because the other way is to connect with someone through dating and I've explained how that is working out for me. That's why the other day I went with a prostitute, and even got two extra hours free, not even the first time something similar happens to me...I guess this should be a cause for happines or pride in me, but it is not, it doesn't feels as great as it sounds, it feels terrible. Because at the end of the day I sleep alone, I eat alone, I walk this life alone. Meanwhile I see couples holding hands and I feel cursed. I'm very sorry for the drama, I promise I'm taking the punches and this is only momentary.

I'll get through this.

 

[Androg]

It will pass. Don't try too hard to analyze it.

 

[CodeTheMind]

It will pass. Don't try too hard to analyze it.

You're right, I was eating myself, I became my own parasite.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day I

I ended up resetting yesterday! It was one of craziest days in my life. It was a cathartic reset, because as soon as it happened something hit me, mainly: that I didn't wanted to go back to where I was before.

So I left home at 1 AM, initially with hopes to get hit by a car o get killed by a burglar, and to the very least to get into a fight with someone. I walked around 5 kilometers, during a time that my life and reality seemed meaningless, I thought about my entire life and most of it resulted in thoughts of disappointment...nothing had any meaning to me. Mostly, I had no meaning to myself, I was completely lost. And then something changed within me as I decided to run, I ran around 3 kilometers only, but since I started until now my mind changed completely. I feel highly confident, highly focused, and complete. I found myself. Got home, took a cold shower and now I'm going to sleep after this...tomorrow there's Muay Thai sparring and I'm nailing it. And I'm nailing the entire day to come. I will take care of myself now, no longer will I be prey to illusion.

 

[CodeTheMind]

I did exactly what I said I would do, I'm having a great day. Pushing myself forward to break the limitations, there's no roof that can hold me. I don't fear death and that, although dangerous, is giving me such drive and success that I picked myself up very quickly. I'm better at day 1 than I ever was on previous streaks of 40 days straight in years past.

I'm just the overall best version of myself, this very own present of mine is the best I've had in life.

 

[CodeTheMind]

No longer will I have any illusions with women or with romance. I will keep meeting new people, experiencing, dating, interacting, but never again shall I have any illusion for anything. I am complete by myself and as far as I am concerned I am my most important person.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day II

Doing well! It is not the strongest nor the most intelligent who survives, it is the one most willing and capable to adapt to ever-changing circumstances of an ever-changing environment. Adaptation is key for survival.
Looking forward to the future and making the best of my present.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day III

All good. I like this new capacity that I have developed for not being that much damaged or affected by a reset or a bad day, especially if I compare it with my past. And also for the capacity of picking myself back up much quicker...even perhaps for avoiding a fall altogether.

Learning how to hit the ground and get up is an important skill to have, as important as learning to not fall and hit the ground.

Most of it seems to be related to mental strength. What you think you become and everything is dependant upon the attitude we decide to have towards life.

Of course that there is darkness in life as well, a few days ago I was very very sad...and yet now I stand feeling quite complete, confident and secure of everything, despite the circumstances that caused my sadness not having changed that much. Rather, it is I who is changed.

There's so much to live and to do, so many people to meet, so much opportunity (visible and hidden by fog) ahead!

Tomorrow I start working and my life will enter a stage of having so much to do that I am so happy for it. Because inasmuch as any healthy and vigorous man is concerned, destiny is for grasps.

An occupied life and mind is exactly what I need.

I don't see problems, I see challenges.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day IV

What a day! I am so busy that I almost forgot to do my daily entry. I am naturally very happy and highly motivated for what is to come.

Not only a busy life but also a busy mind is exactly what I needed. I think time will fly now and I'm likely to go through the healthy road of life.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day V

All good! Tired but happy, adjusting to the new routine.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day VI

Yes I mean it's all excellent. I'm so happy to be working, besides other areas of my life like health, studies, sport...it's all going well. I'm feeling great too. Highly confident and with the right attitude to life!

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day VII

Likely, despite difficulty, time is going to fly by. Let's just stay in the present for now and keep going this way. I don't want to take things too seriously, life is already way too confusing somedays. And honestly I am somewhat ill so it is wise to take things with ease.

All is good!

 

[CodeTheMind]

I completed day VIII but was just too tired and sick to find the strength to even write a journal entry. I don't think I have skipped an entry in a long time. That was a mistake.

At the moment I simply thought I was doing so fine that I didn't needed to, I was so tired that I went to sleep at 9 PM. But sadly I woke up at 2 AM (this never happens, I don't have this kind of insomnia) and relapsed half asleep.

It's ok though. I think it would have been a wet dream anyways. But I do recognize that I was conscious and wasn't strong enough to stop it. I was too tired, too sick.

On the bright side I feel exactly like I felt last time I relapsed, maybe even better. I just know this will only affect me in a minimum level, because I won't allow it to be anything more than a reset. And honestly, I don't really care that much. I feel confident and centered. The most wonderful thing is that I had an epiphany and I am assured of my success regarding the present challenge. I just felt I'm not going back to this addiction, ever again, it truly felt like the last time (and it was such clear a thought, really pure as well). Let's see what happenes, I'm highly thrilled to find out, I'm very very happy for this assurance, this enlightenment.

There are other things that concern me more. I'm concerned about my life journey for the future...I'm simply not happy about my prospects in comparison to what I envision I could do/be. And despite understanding I could have acted better in the past to facilitate better circumstances for my life, I don't think the present provides me with good circumstances to do what I want to do. It is the highest of challenges that I've faced in my entire life so far. Because I stand at the crossroads of a very important decision, for my circumstances entice me to surrender to mediocrity, and challenge me to chase excellence (even though the circumstances say that I will fail in my chase, or to the very least that such chase will be the hardest of all).

I'm sure I'm taking the path of excellence but I haven't decided which of the many paths of the excellence road I will take. It feels like a difficult decision because I will need to choose a path and fully commit to it, for going back to the start is a death sentence (the problem of human mortality and our race against time). In the meantime the more time I take to make a decision the more sad I get, the more I consume myself, the more tired I get with no valid justification for my daily use of energy. I'm working now, but for what? Life just won't make any sense unless I manage to commit and decide which path to follow...that is why I woke up at 2AM and relapsed. Sometimes dark moments lead to enlightenment and I'm deciding this last reset is actually providing with a lot of awareness to what my problems are and how urgent it is for me to solve them.

I think I'm handling this right, maturely.

 

[Androg]

Glad you're seeing progress.

When was your last reset? Realize that if they are becoming more frequent, you may be experiencing some "chaser."

 

[CodeTheMind]

Glad you're seeing progress.

When was your last reset? Realize that if they are becoming more frequent, you may be experiencing some "chaser."

Yes I see a lot of progress. Mentally I feel well regarding my fight with addiction; I think I have become stronger overall and manage to handle setbacks with ease. I'm mastering the art of getting back up after hitting the dirt.

I used to feel miserable, a loser honestly. I don't anymore. I am confident and centered, aware of my qualities and capabilities, filled with ambition and will for life.

The mindset change alone is helping me reduce the number of days I reset monthly and yearly. I'm averaging 1 fall out of 7 days (this is just an average).

2021 Successful days: 80/365.
2022 Successful days: 121/365.
2023 Successful days SO FAR: 76/365...with 232 days yet to be lived. So this is going to be my best year. Especially if I keep up with my monthly progress...

January 2023: 9/31.
February 2023: 8/28.
March 2023: 28/31.
April 2023: 20/30.
May 2023: 11/13 so far.

These last three months I am at least averaging 20/31, which is double the average of how I was doing the many months before.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day I

I went through yesterday with no other disturbances and today I officially continue with getting back up right away.

I have been thinking on the polar opposites that success and failure are. Having experienced and sought after both in this life I come to consider of myself as quite an experienced person when it comes to understanding what leads to succes and what leads to failure.

So having experience in the form of wisdom I can now use it for my own benefit and get back on track.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day II

It is definitely nice to prove to myself that I'm not making excuses or lying. I mean that when I said that I'm picking myself up right away I needed to actually do it and I'm doing it.

It's all great honestly. I guess I might actually have matured during these last few months, I do feel like I've changed a lot! My progress is not defined by a number.