Coding the Mind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day III

Similar feeling than yesterday. I'm developing the ambition to push forward and even higher this time. And I'm just going to enjoy all the progress I have done during these last three months!
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 0

Sadly I cannot get out of this 6 days free out of 7 of the week scenario. It is much better than what I had before, which was nothing, but at this point I am getting disappointed with myself. And this time, sadly the reset came not only to M but also to P because I don't know what happened but my blocking software stopped working; I think it was an issue with my device but still, even a payed software is not entirely reliable. Besides, I already figured out how to get around the blocking mechanism in my cellphone because I can just download some apps that counter whatever the software does. Therefore, I have to stop using my cellphone entirely, or block the entire apps application. The conclusion is that avoiding porn is once again entirely up to me.

I have been having some family problems as well, that is not helping me neither. At this point I feel really overwhelmed.

I am having problems with organizing myself and that is also a cause for my relapse.

I feel alone. And I don't lack company. A new woman appeared in my life, nothing has happened between us but she feels different, who knows! I point this out to make emphasis on how alone I feel anyways. I feel trapped deep down somewhere in my own body. I don't think people understand me, no matter how much some may like me, I think I am too deep to be understood. It feels like I reside in the Greek underworld, the Hades.

I will of course once again get back up. But this time I am so tired of the recurring cycle of relapsing once a week that I might just as well succumb to this nightmare or emerge victorious by completely eliminating this addiction from my life once and for all.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Be pleased with your progress and try again.

You're not "too deep." You're just alienating yourself from others because of the way you're using your life force energy. Don't believe any of the "truths" your recovering mind tells you during the week after a relapse. It's impossible to sort "pearls" from "trash" when your neurochemistry is out of balance.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
True! I don't have a clear brain right now.

At least there's still some will within me to keep fighting, and certainly having reduced the rate of relapses is something to be happy about.

I'm using my life force energy badly and I need to maturely recognize that so I can make the necessary changes that I need in my life.

Ok! I will simply continue. If hits don't let me crippled they might actually make me stronger. I will continue, immediately.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day II

I go on. Today I listened to a podcast in which they spoke about how the hard moments constitute the good moments of life. I think Nikoka Tesla once said that our virtues and our defects are inseparable, just pondering on that...

I go on!
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
DAY 3

I'm back feeling stronger than ever. What I find different about myself on this occasion is that I've come to a few realizations:

•It is up to each man to summon the will to change his life. It is up to each man to have the right attitude towards life.

•Defeat and victory go hand in hand. It is in correctly leading with defeats what get us victories.

•And finally...I met a new woman. She is a coworker and we get along really well, talking at least an hour a day in our return home from work...and we have a lot in common. However, due to past traumas and the way I understand my circumstances, I am scared that I will once again get hurt. Either by her deliberately or by myself through allowing me to get exited and create hopes of illusions.
I simply think that if I want to avoid getting hurt I need to fully change myself and bring me to another level. That is exactly what I will do, I will be fearless. For bravery is not the absence of fear but overcoming it.
Besides, women are sometimes quite volatile and unpredictable, so even though I have reasons to think she does like me I'm aware that she might change her view or interest; anyway, as long as I am aware and complete by myself, fearless and strong, no one can hurt me.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
DAY 4

I continue to move forward. I think I'm no longer a slave to the childish thought and emotional patterns that made me willingly reset my journey.

I feel more mature than ever, finally solidifying some inner wisdom.

Strength. Attitude. Bravery. Those are some of the keys for success.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 1

Hell, I reset again. Ok same thing as always I will pick myself back up. This month is ending and it will be the third in a row in which I do at least 20/31...which is fine and definitely an improvement. However I'm still not where I want to be yet and that is naturally frustrating.

There are 10 days a month in which I am weak and fail. Ten days a month in which I am not productive, not healthy, not myself. Ten days is a lot. 32% a failure, that's just too much. A rate of 116 days of resets out of 365 of the year. I'm going to use all my strength to fight this.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Sorry you're struggling. Remember to try your other mood-regulators first...just to train your brain to stop and think before acting on impulse.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Sorry you're struggling. Remember to try your other mood-regulators first...just to train your brain to stop and think before acting on impulse.

The days I struggle the most are when I have days off from work. I work most weekends so there is less to do when I have a day off on Monday for example. That just breaks me haha. Comfort is the enemy of man and if I could work every single day I would do it.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
The days I struggle the most are when I have days off from work. I work most weekends so there is less to do when I have a day off on Monday for example. That just breaks me haha. Comfort is the enemy of man and if I could work every single day I would do it.
Well, can you join a hiking club or volunteer someplace to keep busier?
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Well, can you join a hiking club or volunteer someplace to keep busier?

I will start doing theatre! I'm also learning to make my days off more enjoyable and productive. I will evaluate even more options if needed, volunteering seems like a great idea! Thank you for real.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 1

All good today. The women in my life are making my recovery process a bit difficult. The new woman I was starting to know and feeling comfortable with has taken some time off from interacting with me, and the first woman (the one I wrote a poem for and had a flirty relationship but she rejected me once in public) has against all odds shifted her attitude and is pursuing my attention once again. My psychologist was right about her, he said she would come back, because she is a hysterical woman. Of course I don't want to have much to do with her now, the smile that had enamoured me now only makes me think she is crazy (sadly).

The point is that my emotional and sexual life are either nonexistent or a complete turmoil when they do exist, not making things easy for me. Is it so difficult to ask for a stable, peaceful and healthy relationship?

I go on. I went through this day, so good. Yesterday was the worst day of my life btw, or it felt like it, and I am still alive!
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
I think women are not at their best in today's dating environment. There was perhaps something to be said for chivalry...in that women who could rely on principled men (and grew up in homes with them) were better equipped to behave in a principled manner themselves. But, at this point, courtship needs to proceed very slowly to test whether mutual trust is present...and instead people tend to jump into bed like they're trying on shoes. ;)
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
I think women are not at their best in today's dating environment. There was perhaps something to be said for chivalry...in that women who could rely on principled men (and grew up in homes with them) were better equipped to behave in a principled manner themselves. But, at this point, courtship needs to proceed very slowly to test whether mutual trust is present...and instead people tend to jump into bed like they're trying on shoes. ;)

Yes.

What I notice is that most women I've met recently (and they don't represent all women but only the ones I am attracted to and happen to cross paths with) don't really know what they want with their lives. They shift with the wind and their ideas about themselves are not so solid as they think they are, for when the moment life throws a challenge at them is the moment when action comes, and their actions don't make sense with their words or ideas. This might also describe me, I don't know, if so I'm trying to learn and change for the best.

I highly agree with taking things slow and letting prolonged courtship be the battlefield in which the potential relationship can be tested. If I want something stable, peaceful and healthy; then I shall let those qualities nurture in the battlefield of courtship.

It gives me an opportunity to truly see who they are and what their intentions manifested in actions are. It also gives them the opportunity to do exactly the same with me, of course, and that's only fair.

I'm not making myself much illusions anymore. This year I've had many broken romantic expectations, including with both the women that right now have put themselves on my radar. So...I will definitely don't care about their approaches as I used to, and that is already helping in focusing on myself and my goals, making me more complete as a man.

Day 2.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 0

I left because I was confused. I felt trapped in the limbo...each journal entry taking part in the same cycle of addiction. In all honesty I am highly unstable (compared to the expectations of stability that I want for my life), despite possessing exceptional personal qualities, and my negative aspects sink me down and transform me in an underachiever of life.

My problem is not just my direct exposure to pornography or masturbation addiction. It goes beyond, and reaches my either bad luck or just lack of capacity to establish a stable relationship. I've suffered some romantic deceptions during the time I was absent from this forum.

I'm going to go back to the path of discipline. Starting right now.
 
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