Saving the Soul

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 1

1. Prayer.
2. Conscious cognitive work
3. Imagination work for desexualizing the mind.
4. Gratitude.
5. Positive affirmations.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 2

Very tired, I only slept a few hours. External events have made me very very hopeful. Life can give people their rematch. It is a lesson of high importance to live with dignity and never surrender, to learn from past mistakes, to work on personal improvement, to keep fighting for what is right. And this motivates me to do the same for myself. I will achieve victory, never been so certain about it.

And in this journey to achieve victory there will be many things that I will learn and experience, that will turn me into a better man. I will put God first and foremost, and clean the temple that is my body...my mind, and my brain.

Spoiler: Daily basic goals

1. Prayer.
2. Conscious cognitive work
3. Imagination work for desexualizing the mind.
4. Gratitude.
5. Positive affirmations.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 2

I was tired and went to sleep early. As soon as I close my eyes in the darkness I am invaded by accelerating sexual thoughts. Proceed to fight back those thoughts and my mind starts thinking of a woman I dated one year ago, not direct sexual thoughts in this case. Concerned, I turn back to my journal. In a way, my life was better a year ago and I wasn't aware of it. It's alright. I will have a rematch. I had to lose so much to learn to value it, and to restructure the way I see life. It's truly alright, I am convinced things will get better and that I will achieve victory.

Meditating on the sexual thoughts situation...I shall not despair. I am being challenged, because there is more inner work to be done. If a problem arises it means there is work ahead of me, that's it. And my decision is to take up the tools and start working on building myself in such a way that I will not crumble. Anyone can be invaded by sexual thoughts, not everyone will succumb to them.

I suppose this is a great opportunity to start working on Lesson one from the workshop, so here I go.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 2

Lesson 1, Part 0

It is a big step to visualize my life, forever, without PMO. They are right when the say that the initial perception of any addict would be to back down from this idea, to consider it impossible. And not wanting to entertain it, to close the eyes and cower before the idea...that's an usual response. Many times I would start my recovery process and lie to myself regarding not ever wanting to come back to the addiction. In reality, I would always leave it as a back up option, thinking things like "if things don't turn out well I can always come back to it, be it pornography or prostitution."

Now that idea doesn't seem so crazy to entertain. And I do admit it requires a lot of work. This time I have enough courage to face the possibility, and it feels good. Being able to visualize this, man it feels great. To repeat the phrase "not ever watching porn again" and not feeling uneasy, anxious, scared...it makes me smile. I do admit that, in comparison, it is more difficult when I think about not ever visiting prostitutes again. That thought feels a bit more blocked. OK! I have to work on that for a second.

Quick disclaimer: I am treating both problems here and considering them part of the same holon, they are connected despite their differences. I think it is also natural to have more difficulty with problem A than with problem B (even when both problems have been equally destructive to my life, in different ways). There was way more emotional attachment to the experiences I've had frequenting prostitutes compared to watching women on a screen. I just had "good" experiences, or at least that is what my damaged mind thinks; now that I believe in God I do agree that my behavior was sinful and destructive, but the emotional attachment to some of the experiences remain powerful. And the problem is that if I do consider them as good experiences, can I restrain myself from going back whenever I feel the need to seek them out again? After more than one hour of struggle (this post is taking even more than that) I come to think that yes, I can. Because there is a difference between who I was and who I will become. So, it is possible to differentiate between memories and the future, they don't have to be toxically linked. Rather, I should build a bridge and heal that link to cause transformation.

I don't need to feel hate towards every memory of my past, only repentance and compassion for all my mistakes. It is as simple as not wanting to do all that stuff anymore, and after deep consideration and struggle writing this post I arrived to a point where I can also say with a smile that I don't ever wish to frequent prostitution again, same as not wanting to ever again watch porn. I suppose this exercise was good because it made me go face to face with a very important challenge. This acceptance by far means that I've achieved success, but it is a very good exercise to face the giant obstacle and come out triumphant in spirit. To be able to visualize myself never again falling back into those addictive behaviors is a great step.

Lastly, there's the M problem. To put it bluntly, I cannot (yet?) visualize myself never again not MOing ever again. This is because, of the three problems, this one is the one I consider more natural, while still dangerous and consequential. I believe that if there was no pornography in this world I would not be a M addict, although I would still M sporadically. I think my sexuality would be healthier and better coordinated with real life. P has taken away the easy path for healthy M. Don't take me wrong, I consider myself an M addict AND my goal is to quit the addiction to it as well, only thing is that realistically speaking I think that I will M again and my main goal is to cut the addiction part of this activity, even if someday I do achieve the enormous feat of quitting it forever.

Lesson 1, Part 1

I think my commitment to change involves a variety of things. Effort, for sure! Also, willingness to change. And vulnerability to what change brings. When I say I visualize myself walking away from addiction forever...this means that I visualize myself going through constant changes in uncountable areas of my life, some I don't even imagine and will discover during the process. And others that I do imagine. Change makes everyone uncomfortable, even if it comes with the promise of a better life and potential rewards. Well, I couldn't care less for the rewards at this point-not that I wouldn't receive them with welcoming arms, but this is no longer the reason for me quitting addiction (however, I do want to have a more peaceful and better life). So, I am left with dealing with the truer nature of change, and it clearly comes with discomfort...especially since in this case there is a lot to be changed. Maybe it will be useful to make a list of the many things I need to change, a sort of extensive future authoring vision for my future. This will have to wait until tomorrow since now I am finally falling asleep.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 3

I woke up hopeful today, knowing there is much work to be done and an incredibly long journey ahead.

Lesson 1, Part 1 continuation.

I want to do the list of the many things I want to change, in the short and long run. So, I will write here and there will be a much more extensive list that I will write privately. Writing this will help me with focusing on what truly has to be done to make the best of the recovery process and to finally quit this addiction forever.

• More consistent and time friendly workout routine.
• More consistent and balanced diet.
• Consistent cold showers and ice baths.
• Continue journaling and life strategizing.
• Tidying up and cleaning my place and things, consistently.
• Sun intake, very important.
• Going out for walks.
• Daily meditation, put the effort to sit down and do it.
• Job improvements (specifics on private journal).
• Way healthier sleep routine, waking up earlier (specifics on private journal).
• Social life improvements. Specifics on private journal, but as an outline: I need to socialize more, my social life is dead. And I need to socialize with the right people, it would be bad for my life to be in the wrong place and with the wrong people. One clear way to take is to find healthy places; perhaps join a church, join a hobby activity that I could do weekly, go back to sports practice.
• Work on my emotional maturity and personality. Sometimes I can be too cold, other times to overbearing, and I think that drives people away. I'm not really sure what is the problem really. But these past two years my relationships were all disappointments. Lost the few friends I had, other friends I thought were closer ended up proving to me they were actually distant, and I threw away the opportunities I had with the women I dated (all my fault in this). So I want to start clean and do a lot of inner and external work, to heal and figure out how to fix this situation. Right now I do have some new friends and acquaintances, but my fear is that I will lose them too...or that they will end up disappointing me...and I need to work on this as well. This will take a lot of journaling, and I am ready for it.
• Diligently work for using my free time with true freedom. This means to stop activities that have me chained and I no longer want in my life. This includes cutting off videogames for good (I'm nearly finished with this problem), stop mindless scrolling in different apps and completely stop the use of the worst of those apps, stop watching stupid movies and tv shows. Substitute all of this with more reading, more artistic work, maybe go back to playing instruments, if necessary seek to add even more hobbies (join a book club, a dancing club, anything that comes to mind).
• Working on the way I interpret life. Deal with resentment, anger, and anxiety. Basically, journal journal and journal. I already started this on my private journal, will keep going.
• Spend my money wisely, truly treat every coin I have with respect and value. This way I can use it well, carefully, with light.
• Be careful with what I allow into my life. Work on my relationship with God.
  
  Hey, I think this is pretty good stuff I am more hopeful than I was when I started writing this post.
  My commitment to change is a statement of hope and willingness. My will is to say that here I stand, and I am going up. This is a testament of human spirit. I shall never surrender, I shall never give up. I will fight.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 3

Spoiler: Daily basic goals

1. Prayer.
2. Conscious cognitive work
3. Imagination work for desexualizing the mind.
4. Gratitude.
5. Positive affirmations.

Tomorrow I want to read my last two posts again and do lesson 1 part 2.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 4, Day 0.

I think what I wrote yesterday was really helpful. Evidently, not being able to visualize myself quitting masturbation forever was the preamble of a reset, unfortunately. It is not what I thought would happen nor what I wanted to happen, I truly want to be free from all of the areas of this addiction. However, I see the progress. In all the ways reset could have happened, it happened fully without porn and in the most natural way. I am alright because I am fully committed to quitting porn and prostitutes, that is why I will split the counter, the way you see above this paragraph. On the left I will register my streak without the both Ps and on the right my streak without MO.

I've seen a good bunch of guys trying this approach and it finally makes sense to me. Quit the most dangerous part of the addiction, while reducing the other part as much as possible, with the main final goal of quitting the addiction fully. If done right and responsibly (meaning with honesty and not playing tricks) it is a safe path to full recovery. And that is important, I need to push and challenge myself, so the objective remains to be free from M and I start working now on learning to see myself never again doing it (it will take a lot of work and time). For now, I continue this way.

Lesson 1, Part 2

I don't wish to allow guilt and shame to sabotage my commitment. My first reaction to this idea is that deep down there is a degree of guilt and shame corrupting me, the crumbles of a fallen building. I can think of some ways guilt and shame manifested in the past, for example the many times I left the forum and stopped journaling after a relapse. Or because I'm aware that I'm not the best version I can be, I sabotage social opportunities thinking ¨I'm not ready for this.¨ I even block healthy activities, like working out, not wanting to do the things that are good for me when I'm in my lowest.

With enough examples I admit how guilt and shame are real. After a defeat I end up weak. So, how not to allow this enemy to sabotage my commitment? Main way to do it is: to develop an unbreakable commitment. A strong spirit. Remaining certain that I will achieve victory, and I do. And once aware of the traps I can fight those impulses of isolation that come from being in a dark place. The only way up is up.

Finally, it is key to counter shame and guilt with love and true repentance. When I was critical of Christianity, I used to think repentance was bad because it made people feel guilty and ashamed, but if you are feeling guilty and ashamed have you truly repented? Guilt and shame seem to me just ways to hide from God, and in consequence hide from doing what needs to be done for recovery. Adam and Eve felt guilty in the story of the Garden of Eden, and they hid from God.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 5, Day 1.

Done a full re-reading of my recent posts. I will not lose the main idea that is building within me. Like I wrote before, I'm fully committed to never again watching pornography or visiting prostitutes, and fully committed in reaching a point of freedom from MO addiction. I am certain that I will be victorious over addiction. Right now, I'm working on allowing my mind and my soul to heal, for this I need to put my part and allow God to keep coming into my life to provide guidance and healing.

This leads me to the next step in the lessons.

Lesson 1, A, Part 3

While I was writing my previous lessons the thought of allowing myself time to change was ever present. Us humans have limited understanding of time, always viewing it from a mortal perspective. I just don't know enough about time, no matter how much I could pretend to know. In this case the exercise is about acknowledging that time belongs to God and I am nobody to dictate when things shall happen. This is not to say I shouldn't push myself to get things going, or that I shouldn't fight the good fight. It is more about freeing the mind from egotistical control of time, because it doesn't belongs to me. And I will not be a thief of time.

Many times I would be frustrated or angry because I would think my time had passed, or that I deserved my time to arrive when I wanted it. And that was basically me thinking I should be like God, and taking it upon myself to make my twisted ways of divine justice. This serves to me as a clear example of how not to act. This is the pile of trash that I am throwing out of my soul.

In this way, losing the grip of the illusion of control of time, is when I allow myself time to change. Because time is nearly infinite. And in its near infinity it belongs to God, and so do I. Thing will happen in their rhythm with their rhymes. Healing is possible when time is allowed to work, to provide the necessary lessons and to bring the necessary challenges. I will be patient and welcoming.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 6, Day 1

I reset again the right side of the counter, because last night I just M for a while and stopped. Still, I reset. Not playing games this time. What happened was that my brain was demanding for porn and I tried to negotiate with myself, because I am dead serious on never watching that again. Surprisingly, my brain was not aroused by just naturally M, instead the demand for porn was present more aggressively than ever. Of course I didn't give in.

This lead me to find a porn rehabilitation program on the Bible app, that explained a lot of the scientific processes the brain goes through during addiction, and how difficult it can be to regain power over the limbic system. I will continue doing this program too.

I feel bothered about that brain not accepting just M, because I try to negotiate, but the brain behaves childishly. It is making me think that I shouldn't negotiate with a childish brain. But going to war with my brain is not something I want to do, that does not end well. So, I think I need to become a better negotiator...maybe I've been a pushover when negotiating with myself. Alright then, I learned something valuable. Will work with this. I will have to upgrade myself to the core. This means pushing myself a bit more, to restructure my habits, start doing the things I listed a few posts back.

Another issue that arises is that while I was able to visualize quitting porn forever, and this is great progress, I think I also need to work on visualizing not ever consuming other kinds of alternative pornography (like literature). It is not harder per se, but I need to have all corners covered and in that way it does become harder. I will work to visualize myself never consuming anything pornography related again. Because those things are loopholes that I cannot and do not want to allow into my life.

Another thing that is bothering is that if I do M without P I still would generally think of something sexual, and the more difficult it gets for my brain to accept M without P the most I will have to use my imagination to M effectively and maintain the status quo. And I know this is early on my recovery but I do not want to feed on sexual thoughts, because those sexual thoughts are depraved: even if i try to think of a more natural situation, perhaps remembering a real sexual encounter of my past, even that bothers me because deep down I know it is sinful. Part of me thinks I should not be this hard on myself, that I should walk one step at a time, but another part of me is concerned if I am truly walking at all. That part is thinking that maybe I can do more and I can do better. Because although my commitment is 100%, I think that my work is 20% to 40% at most, and I want to work more on my recovery and bettering my life. This is a good sign of an increasing will. A lot of positives here to catapult me to victory.

Lesson 1, Section B Listing reasons why I want to permanently change my life, in no particular order.

1. I want to be an artist and to use my free time vibrantly for creative work.
2. I want to be of help to the people around me, a contributing light in this world.
3. I want to be with God daily, and to have a powerful relationship with Him. This includes working in honoring God in everything I do.
4. I want to live new (good) experiences in the real world to fully live real life.
5. I want to be able to take care of myself and to fight my own battles, to free others from sacrificing so much for me and allow them to make more sacrifices for themselves.
6. I want to work for my future and the future people that is going to enter into my life. I want to be a good future husband, a good future father, a good future friend.
7. I want to love my body in a godly way and provide it with a healthy life.
8. I want to serve as a testament for addiction recovery, in turn to add my signature in this fight shared by so many.
9. I want to fill myself with learning.
10. I want to face challenges that will keep me invested and growing in life.
11. I want to make the best out of my days, having a more peaceful and positive existence.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 6, Day 1

Lesson 1, Section C Take addiction into consideration of a life span.

This exercise was powerful. I found many pictures of my childhood and it brought a sense of calm to see a much more innocent self. Remembering that I was once different and not afflicted by all of this...gives me hope. So many years into addiction that one forgets there were other ways, and that there are other ways. It is so powerful to see that I was different. It shines my life with the opportunity of being different again.

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.
https://www.bible.com/bible/111/MAT.18.3-5.NIV
This is wonderful. I was brought to tears. I will be this child fighting to retake his life.

If anyone new might be reading and wondering what Lessons I am doing, I share the link here: https://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_001.php

 

[Blondie]

Hi @SaveTheSoul. I'm glad to see you're going through the exercises at recovery nation. I went through those a few years ago, and they gave me great insight into all of this, and quite frankly dramatically altered how I see this bad habit in my life. What a resource! I still vividly remember that exercise and it brought me to tears when I did it back in the day. I still have that photo I found of myself at my innocent age, and I love to think about the innocent kid I was back then, and still am deep inside today.

We're still that precious kid brother, we just have a few more layers of "adult onion" we need to pull back to find him. We didn't know what we were getting into then, and if we had, we would have chosen differently. Maybe we thought it was "bad" or "sinful", but we had no idea about the consequences of the addiction itself. Now we can be childlike adults with the knowledge we have, but find that innocent inner child again.

Best brother, and great verse.
Blondie

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Thank you @Blondie, those words resonate a lot with the experience I had with this exercise. I am finding the lessons life changing, and there is much more ahead. What is sticking out to me is how powerful it can be when we involve ourselves fully in recovery. And this exercise in particular was great, I commend whoever came out with this idea.

And yes we are that precious kid, absolutely. And we fight for him.

Best wishes! And thanks for recommending the lessons back then (I think it was you haha).

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 6, Day 1

Should update the counter to the next day, but I don't like doing it before going to sleep.

I went to a concert of a great rock band of my country today! IT WAS AWESOME. A few friends invited me and I actually got the ticket for free! I am so happy for going, there were moments when I thought I shouldn't go (because of the addiction). But I decided to honor what I've written before, and allow me to live life. Spending time with friends was also nice.

There were a few negative things that I need to put out here as a form of dealing with the problem. Here I go:

• There was a moment I wasn't enjoying being there, and it lasted quite a lot. Thankfully I ended up enjoying it, but there were difficult moments that I think I should write about here. I just felt numb in the social environment, wondering how many experiences like those I lost in the past due to addiction and bad lifestyle.
  
  
• There was a moment when I was just looking around at all those people and seeing how much fun they were having, noticing the beautiful women too, and thinking that I wanted to interact with everyone! I was thinking hey I want to hang out with all these people, I want to know them, I want to experience. This is a good sign of my mind becoming more social I suppose, but in reality I wasn't able to interact with strangers (everyone was within their own bubbles, nothing crazy in the crow also pretty chill), so I remained with my two friends during the whole event. That is nice, of course: I value and am thankful for the few friends I have. But I just wanted more, and I'm not sure this is good or not...I wanted to have a million friends! People where I live usually keep themselves within their own bubbles, I have traveled to other countries where it is way easier to interact with strangers compared to where I live, that sucks. Honestly though, I think I can do better, and if I wish to interact with strangers I can do it, could work on that. Just work on overall becoming more social.
  
  
• Also, the ego part of me really wanted some female to approach me, they usually don't though. Females generally wait for men to approach them, and the overall vibe there was more of groups of friends hanging out than people looking to meet new people. Even the singer said that singles should get together and everyone remained within their own bubbles, lol. Disclaimer, I was not hoping to have casual sex with anyone, just wanted to meet new people.
  
  
• Spoiler: Trigger (mild)

  Generally speaking, the concert was PG (no drugs, songs were not satanic or vulgar, people were educated). But there was a moment when many women started going topples and they showed them on the screen. My initial thought was "man I can't catch a break" haha. Of course it wasn't triggering or anything, but it made me feel uncomfortable.
  
  
• Finally, there was a couple just ahead of us who kept kissing during the entire concert, they were clearly in love. My friends also noticed and made jokes about it, because it was like too much. Romantic song? Ok, kiss! But they kissed on every single song, during the whole song. I decided to move away, but for the time I remained there it made me feel so lonely. I would trade all the casual sex I've had in my life for that moment that couple was having. Because it was real, and it was love. Horrible feeling to be writing about someone else's better "luck" in love.
• When I arrived home my mind thought about prostitutes. I quickly discarded the thought. First, I do not want to ever visit prostitutes again. Second, because I know very well that what I would be looking for is not found with prostitutes (love). The thought returned again, unfortunately, and I tried to fight it by looking at my phone (just something to distract me)...I had a text from the actress I'm speaking with (haven't spoken with her in like five days)...just a regular text. But man she is my shield, my light, and my sun. At the present moment it is all platonic, more than when we met an actually went on a few dates, because she lives in another country now. We just text like friends, but very profound stuff. If anyone hasn't read how she came back into my life and how it is related to God and my own conversion to Christianity, and wishes to read it I will copy and paste that post:

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Spoiler: Post from October 21

PART I
Life is going well in all but this demonic problem! It persists, clinged to me, draining my soul with its dark fangs.
And yet, good stuff is happening with me and my life, that I find the strength to come back and try to bring battle to this again (not that I haven't been fighting in my absence from the forum, but alas, to no avail).

PART II
1. Sadly, not only I have a problem with pornography but also with prostitutes. In my absence, I have tried dating normal women, but I haven't found anyone that truly guides my compass. I went through many heartbreaks in my early youth that filled me with resentment and shattered all my hopes.
Why I go? It's the rush; I'm young, and the rush of going with attractive women with no compromise whatsoever, and just chasing the elixir of their attention (to, in a way, make them fall for me)...is addictive. Some are just in it for the money or just don't like me, but others welcome the experience. If prostitutes didn't provided me with something special, then I wouldn't return; I've had some bad experiences, but I have had some very good ones (to the point of not having to pay, to getting discounts, to getting invited to their homes, to getting asked on a few dates, to getting that special girlfriend experience treatment).
What a charade! I'm so disgusted at all of that. It's all a masquerade, a fantasy; not that it didn't happened, but whatever happens in the world of the shadows belongs to the shadows. All the things they did, only got me more hooked with the lifestyle (I was even asked by a few to do pornography, or even to prostitute myself since they said I would make money...and silly me I considered it, but gladly haven't gone through with it), and my soul has been consumed in the process. With each time, be it a bad or a good experience, my soul cracked a bit more. No wonder I cannot feel attracted to regular women I might date here and there.
I have been aware of this for a while, so I tried to find a middle ground. I knew just sticking to porn would be prejudicial, because porn has a much more depressive effect on me. I feel like a loser relapsing to porn, and I feel quite different relapsing with a woman that is enjoying my company (even though it is, like I stated, a charade).
I made the reasoning that my life was better with the company of prostitutes than with the company of porn, even if just by the difference of having someone to talk with. But I realized that I didn't wanted to be chasing the high of different women, I wanted to "settle", to find just one woman and have the most human-like realistic experience one can have when paying for sex (if it is even possible). So, I cut all ties but with one woman, and I tried to see her sporadically (so as to keep myself in check). Turns out I start seeing this woman for more than a prostitute, and start seeing her as a human being. The masks fall off and the realization kicks in. I am "falling in love" with someone who is sleeping with many other men. I don't have any fetish about it, I just find it disgusting. Then I have a conversation with her: turns out she has economic problems and works out of necessity, or so she reasons, and I cannot be of support to her since I cannot take her away from that life. She suggests we should just keep doing the same for now.
More than one year ago, I went on a date with an actress, no prostitute btw (registered that experience somewhere in the depths of this very journal). Keep in mind that I haven't seen her since (she changed her number and I never got the new one), and I have not spoken with her to this point of the story. Here and there I might think of her, as an inspiration and reminder of kinder days, but nothing more.
I also wanted to write a book, but then decided to change my story to a play; when I did this it offered new possibilities for new characters and plotlines, and I remembered her...so I created a character inspired by her. This happened a few days before my conversation with the prostitute I was seeing.
After the conversation, that very night, I felt like hitting rock bottom. I was trying to decide what I wanted to do regarding this situation. Should I suggest her to do Onlyfans or something like that, as a way to get her away from classic prostitution? Should I keep seeing her, in hopes that things would change? Should I try to wait for her to stop working? Should I stop? Should I stop everything, man up, get my life on the right track? What should I do regarding her, a person I care for? As the minutes passed, my thoughts got deeper. That night I was an atheist/agnostic...and the people who know me know that I wouldn't be praying to God, whatever God. And yet I did. I asked God to show me the way. And I went to sleep.
Next morning I wake up and first thing I see is a text message from an unknown number, turns out it is the actress I dated more than one year ago and that just that very week I had created a character inspired by her for my play (this was unknown to everyone). For the last few days we had the deepest conversation (through text, she is living far from me), a conversation as friends. She also spoke about God. Anyways, the moment I saw her first message I knew God had answered my prayer.
And calm your horses; I do not even think this means she is the way, or that this means she is the woman of my life...it could very well be so, but I interpret it with more caution for now...I just think she serves as a vessel for me to wake up, her help and inspiration is something I very much needed. The first time I met her, she had a profound positive impact on my life, and so she does now.
I must take a breath now. A deep one. Now I pray for me to be capable of doing my part. God might have shown me the way, but I must walk it. And it is a hard path. That is why I return here, in hopes of finally kicking this demon out of me. I even relapsed during these whole series of events, which speaks of how weak I am. I hand myself over to recovery once again.
Day 1.

She is my shield. Thank you so much God for putting the right people in my life and giving me the right challenges. I love you.

Anyways, going to sleep now. Had a great time today!

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 7, Day 0

I reset again the right side of the counter, after difficulty falling asleep yesterday. I wanted to be safe, was scared I was going to end up watching porn, so yeah. It took a lot of my energy to drive away the thought of visiting a prostitute, and the last I had was used in avoiding porn, ended up with more natural MO. I also had the strangest dream ever, not a nightmare per se, but related to everything I'm going through and filled with all my worries.

Nothing to do but to move on and grow stronger from this. I want to see the full side of the glass here; there are a lot of positives to take into consideration to fuel my fight. I must celebrate 7 days porn free, 7 is a lot compared to what I've become accustomed this last year (the longest streak without porn in a long time), even if to be honest it feels like yesterday. Then there's the inner progress I've made with the lessons to consider and celebrate. My hope is on my future, for better days. Right now the main thing I wanna do is start healing my sleep routine, and for that I will put the goal of putting down technology at 21:30, then I will have some empty space to read the Bible and pray (something I really want to involve myself with for my life).

Lesson 2

The intro to this lesson came at a right time. I'm gonna share a few quotes that I want to highlight.

¨People who struggle to commit themselves to a vision for their life are really struggling with one of the most fundamental issues there is to struggle with: their own mortality. The realization that they have only a finite amount of time on this earth and a finite number of experiences to be had.¨

¨But as healthy people transition into adulthood, most recognize that there are limits to the life they can lead. They realize that to achieve fulfillment, their life must have purpose. That is when the process of 'settling down' begins and they choose those areas of their life that they will commit themselves to mastering. Those areas that they want to anchor their identities to. Being a parent. Being a partner. Achieving competency in their career. Helping others. Being physically fit. Being financially stable. Being a servant of God. That is not to suggest that these are the values that all people SHOULD pursue; merely examples of what many people DO pursue. The choosing of these values does not guarantee fulfillment, but it does lay the foundation for learning how to derive fulfillment from one's life. And that is what you have to do now: learn to derive value from your life¨

¨Just as the passion to enact your life's vision can provide you with a great deal of energy and focus when all is going well, it can also rob you of that energy when your life is stressed and/or out of balance. In other words, pursue your vision with passion, but don't equate that passion as the validation for your life's vision¨

¨Make your choices and then drive towards those choices with focus and confidence. Should you become aware that you have made the wrong choice somewhere along the line, adjust. It is no big deal; the big deal is never choosing. Those are the lives that are in constant motion without ever achieving depth, thus never achieving their potential to derive value from their life.¨

¨A mature person sees the refinement of their values (aka their vision) not as a limiting aspect of their lives, but as an opportunity to develop and experience infinite depth within those values.¨

I will start with the exercises tomorrow.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 8, Day 1.

I am hopeful and motivated today. Looking forward to action and the long journey ahead. There are bad days, good days, and normal days. And that is what's going to be like, addicted or not. I think a potential difference is how my addicted brain reacts to bad days compared to a non-addicted brain.

Reading the Bible with more diligence now, something I find helpful. Substituting a bad a habit for a good habit. Going back to working out too, that will revitalize my health soon.

I will do Lesson 2 tomorrow, haven't found the time today (only to re-read the material).

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 0

Merging counters again because the system didn't worked for me. The downfall occurred within me. I am determined to quitting this and will do 500% more now. I go to war.

Lesson 2

My personal vision is to build my values and make decisions to grow. By quitting addiction once and for all I set myself on a new life pathway to discover. I wrote about it on my private journal. Will be here tomorrow.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 1

It was tough. Had a mental breakdown. Reached rock bottom. After the storm, waters are calmer. I have a strange feeling of positivity, quite odd. I feel like I am not alone, and God is with me. This last defeat was the last defeat of them all. It was: this goes beyond logical explanation or emotional inclination, it was the last defeat regarding addiction. I don't know it, I don't feel it, but it makes no matter what I think or feel regarding future outcomes.

The start to the end is now. I don't know where it will lead me, probably to very unknown places. And it will change me forever.

 

[Blondie]

How we doing @SaveTheSoul?

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 1 on course. Proverbs 24:16 says, "for the righteous fall seven times and rise again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity". The other day I heard also that a heart of stone gets harder before destruction and renewal, this metaphor implies that sometimes things get worse before they get any better (even when progress is being made).

How we doing @SaveTheSoul?

Thanks for asking Blondie, doing better. My conviction remains strong. I know that my soul, body and brain are suffering; but they are healing too, today most specially it is the first time in years I felt truly at peace. At this moment, I've gone all in with praying and searching for understanding, right now I am very calm, willing to respect God's timing, understanding how falling has caused all of this situation. And to be honest I'm sticking with what I wrote last post, this is the beginning of the end for my addiction. Have a good day.