Saving the Soul

SaveTheSoul

SaveTheSoul

Active Member
Update on romantic (?) situation. The actress has come, we had a date scheduled and I canceled because I thought that I am not in the right place right now for that, told her I want to connect with God and even wrote her a poem (imagine canceling a date with the most beautiful woman you´ve seen in your life and who inspirers your life with the brightest light, yep that is me). I was also feeling she was just friendly towards me and I thought my heart couldn't take the friendzone at this current moment, so I was like better not go out. Really think it was the right move and a decision that left me feeling highly confident. We did end up texting for the entire day, sending audios and calmly confessing our love for each other, however platonic we both agreed it was for the time being. We also agreed we would see each other one day, when we are both ready.

Of course I acknowledge the potential for this to not end exactly as I hope it can end. But I think it is heading in the right direction, and it is doing so much good to me. I put God first today and the outcome of my decision was that I felt one of the brightest days of my life.
 
SaveTheSoul

SaveTheSoul

Active Member
SaveTheSoul said:
Update on romantic (?) situation. The actress has come, we had a date scheduled and I canceled because I thought that I am not in the right place right now for that, told her I want to connect with God and even wrote her a poem (imagine canceling a date with the most beautiful woman you´ve seen in your life and who inspirers your life with the brightest light, yep that is me). I was also feeling she was just friendly towards me and I thought my heart couldn't take the friendzone at this current moment, so I was like better not go out. Really think it was the right move and a decision that left me feeling highly confident. We did end up texting for the entire day, sending audios and calmly confessing our love for each other, however platonic we both agreed it was for the time being. We also agreed we would see each other one day, when we are both ready.

Of course I acknowledge the potential for this to not end exactly as I hope it can end. But I think it is heading in the right direction, and it is doing so much good to me. I put God first today and the outcome of my decision was that I felt one of the brightest days of my life.
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Just as I went to call it a day I got a message from the prostitute I was seeing prior to my conversion. Seems she wants to give it a chance and wants to go out. Of all days this could have happened it happened tonight, just when I got one of the most blessed days in my life. Like I stated before, I do care for this woman (the prostitute) and anxiety is rising up regarding the actress, since she is just visiting and will go back to another country (we agreed that I would visit really soon though). SPIRITUAL WARFARE IS REAL EVERYBODY. THIS IS AS REAL AS IT GETS. I am challenged to the core and this is a pivotal moment for my life. Pray for me please. Aware of this challenge I seek God first. While I recognize my fear of falling back to sin, I do hope things can end up well for me this time around.
 
SaveTheSoul

SaveTheSoul

Active Member
Day 2.

Good riddance. Forward through the right path. Not much to write about, want to retake the lessons when I feel ready and at the moment I don't want to overcharge my brain much. By the grace of God alone I am saved from addiction. Starting to move on to a healthier clearer life path. I understand God's time is different the human time, that releases me from doubt and anxiety. Very calm and confident.
 
SaveTheSoul

SaveTheSoul

Active Member
Day 2.

Closing up the day with:

Proverbs 3:5-8
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.​


7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord and shun evil.
8 This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.

Comments:

5-6. When I decide to trust the Lord with all my heart I am sealing the gateway for sin. Somewhere I read the advice to not fight our sin, but seek the Lord instead. A huge weight leaves me when I do this, because the other way I am just carrying the weight with pride by myself. In this new scenario, the weight feels shared, Jesus carried His own cross and we are asked to carry ours and follow Him.

7. There's so much that could be said about these verses! How obfuscated our minds can become, the fog clouding our heart in an embrace. When we choose self wisdom and arrogance we cover ourselves up with a veil of pride. I think about the many times I watched pornography in the past and question myself: was I arrogant in my decision to watch pornography? Yes, I was. No matter the reason for me watching, however different that reason was: sexual arousal, boredom, depression, loneliness, curiosity...each time, every single time, that decision came accompanied with arrogance and pride (even hurt pride, pride still).

8. How important is to consider this and how strongly it adds up with the testimony of thousands of recovered addicts. When we leave the evil that causes our addiction our body begins to heal. I hope this can happen to me too, 🙏.
 
SaveTheSoul

SaveTheSoul

Active Member
Day 3

This is one of the few times I reached day 3 in a long time. I feel uncomfortable at the moment, yet more energized. I understand that I must navigate in this new light and that with each step forward must not forget the faith that's guided me in the darkest moments. My decision is to hold on to God. Now I must use the new energy to be efficient, diligent, and to craft what is good for my life.
 
SaveTheSoul

SaveTheSoul

Active Member
Day 4

I've been too distracted planning my trip to the other country to visit this actress. We were chatting a lot, she told me to come, I'm going. Unfortunately, I realize now what is brewing. Any adult person can guess what, how was I so blind!? To put it very clearly, turns out she is a wonderful beautiful woman, who doesn't dates often (because she works a lot on herself), but believes in open love and is very sexual. And I am writing a play, she is indirectly inspiring my play. I want to go because of the play, and because of the passion she creates within me. And in paper it looks quite a good thing, spoiler (triggering):
the prospect is to spend five days with a stunning woman in a hotel, having sex (this is not a fantasy of mine, but something she has made clear). The more I talk to her, the more she opens up, the more I am disappointed in some very specific areas, disappointed based on my own ideal expectations...love her, that doesn't changes. This is basically a free girlfriend experience opportunity, with all the wonders that brings and all the things it leaves behind. Every man's dream? I just thought she was a less complicated woman, but she is very complex...and...the idea of us being a couple, and living under godly marriage is down the drain.
I am of course finding this difficult do to religious reasons, more difficult still when I thought she was saving me from visiting prostitutes and addiction to pornography. And in a deep way she is...

Mood: :unsure:

Sorry if this does not relates much directly to my porn problems, but this is what I am going through currently. And sexuality is about so many things.
 
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SaveTheSoul

SaveTheSoul

Active Member
Day 9

This counter isn't worth much. I am having sex, of course porn and masturbation are easy avoided. Once I'm back from vaction ai will reset it, but not because I will masturbate or watch porn.
 
SaveTheSoul

SaveTheSoul

Active Member
Day 13

Ok, so I wont restart the counter just because I had sex this week. It was the most beautiful week of my life and it has changed me forever. I found the deepest love I ever felt for another person. And although my travel is over I have lived the best week of my entire life. This is no reason whatsoever to restart the counter, but to use the inspiration as motivation to achieve final recovery. Now, since I am back, it is time to wage true warfare.
 
SaveTheSoul

SaveTheSoul

Active Member
Day 15

Thinking a lot of things. I wish I had the strength to share the experience I had during this vacations, it was really unique. And it was not without its darkness. It is so difficult now, to be without the loved one! I will wage this war towards victory. For a week I had the romance of my life, with the woman of my life, and now I am back home alone having to face my challenges.
 
SaveTheSoul

SaveTheSoul

Active Member
Day 16

Having something good happening in my life has really given me enough motivation and fuel to chase excellence. That is what I'm doing right now and plan to keep doing forever. No matter how difficult it gets. I trust God. And I will use light to cast more light and drive the shadows away, let love triumph and good memories be the flames of fire.
 
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