Coding the Mind

[CodeTheMind]

It's great you're envisioning a healthy relationship again. Society works better in many ways (according to anthropology views I've read) if most men have mates...as opposed to just the older and wealthier ones...having more than their share. Humans aren't gorillas, but many of us seem to be headed that way.

I agree. There are certainly many different interpretations, with some cultural systems benefiting some groups/types of people and other cultural systems benefiting other groups. Certainly with the first wave of feminism important things were brought to society, ensuring a lot of opportunities for everyone, and now culturally it has been normalized that women should postpone having a family past their thirties to focus on other things. That is great for all those people who benefit from this ideology but not so much for those who suffer its consequences. This is merely an observation.

I am glad with being past the stage of being a victim to the challenges of my current time. I want a healthy loving relationship (not exempt of challenges to overcome) with a woman with whom I can form a family with. And I want it relatively in the present or in the proximate future (I'm 23). And if my current time keeps hitting me in the face with the likes of women who only want have a sexual short-term relationships, or have no thoughts of family until 35ish, then so be it. I will stand my ground and be valiant with my beliefs, desires, and thoughts. Even if I have to be like the Kauai O'o bird, who sang its last mating song waiting for a mate to answer, but he was the last living member of its own species.

I'm done with surrendering to my challenges and succumbing to pornography waiting to die. And all of this I am realizing through writing is giving me the certainty that I am making so much progress! I am simply addressing the true causes of my retreating to a solitary life of fantasy, which was in my case highly emotional related, caused at least in part by my previous complete abandonment of faith in the life I wanted to have. But now I do not abandon that. Not at all. I embrace myself at my full power.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 20 public commitment side goals:

• Workout
• Walk/Run
• Cold shower
• Journal
• Meditation
• Visualization
• Strategy
• Clean my room
• Read
• Freedom from distractions: 100% free.
• Healthy sleep the day before:
• Healthy diet
• Gratitude

Ok I am learning that freedom from distractions 100% really helps me out, I have spare time that today I took for relaxing in a healthy way since I am still a bit weak from the sickness of the last two days. I am good now so great!

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 21

In relation to my recovery I feel fine emotionally, and urges are slightly higher than yesterday (still low) only because I had a sexual dream last night, lets see how the rest of the day develops.

Today is a highly confused day in regards to other areas related to emotional recognition. On one side I am dealing with the emotional happiness of having reached a milestone, which is also accompanied by some sort of intuition that says the following: now I must fully commit (strange, because I have fully committed since day one), now I must make another big step, and in a way that is very difficult to explain...I must change my old layers for new ones in this metamorphosis. How challenging it is to come to an understanding of this through abstraction! I have a strong confidence however, that I will bring practicality to this new understanding.

On the other hand, I am nervous because tomorrow I will see the woman I like. The waiting is killing me . I know she likes me back, but simply put we don't really know each other. And that is why I can't believe I feel so strong about her, I've had crushes before, and I have been in love in the past...but man, never this fast. And just to be clear I am not nervous due to some personal insecurity about having the confidence to speak with her, because although I am not a social skills god I do have the enough needed confidence to engage in conversation with her. Nor am I nervous about disappointing her, because I accept I am an imperfect human and if she doesn't ends up liking me or just doesn't wishes to pursue a relationship then I will accept that and move one-there are other women out there.

What truly has me scared is that she will end up disappointing me, and this speaks for itself about how messed up I am due to my pornography use and past relationships/interactions with women. Ways I am scared she could disappoint me: behaving like an egocentric narcissistic female, treating me like I'm just a boy toy, and finding out she has a relationship already and is using me either to cheat or create jealousy.
After I wrote all of this down I got to the conclusion that I am simply putting old-relationships induced fears in this new possible relationship with this new possible woman. All those fears that I have regarding her actually happened to me with other females before, and simply cause of that I find it so hard to believe that not everyone is like that. Plus, porn has helped out in reinforcing those fears. My fears are here for some reason, they can serve me well as clues for recognizing when to get the heck out before I get broken by a woman once again. But at the same time it is not fair to associate her with these fears when she has given me literally zero reason for it. And it is past time I overcome my fears, that I face them bravely. And the only way I can be brave is in believing once again that a healthy relationship is possible

And I do! Couldn't do it without recovery. But now I can. I am no longer nervous about tomorrow, despite some positive nerves that the possibility of a new relationship brings! And whatever happens happens. If it doesn't goes well and we drift apart so be it! Even in a disappointing scenario this is a WIN. A win because I am giving it a shot, I am recovering my confidence, my love, my health, my hope. So it is all for learning and growth.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Weekly Recovery Chart Update

Week 1:
View attachment 1030
Week 2:

View attachment 1031
Week 3:



I changed the name of the red line to emotional control instead of emotional difficulty, but it is still measuring the same thing. It is only that I realized there can be emotional difficulty but that doesn't necessarily means that it is uncontrolled or affecting the person negatively, in the contrary, emotional difficulty if dealt with correctly can make life better. So, if the red line is low it means that I have had a better emotional control, and if it is high it means I haven't.

The charts truly speak for themselves. I am surprised by the change in week 3. The volatility that characterized the first two weeks, especially in the fifth and sixth day of each week, did not happen in the third week. My assessment is that I was aware of the problem thanks to this very same system I developed and my journaling, thus I undertook the task of solving it. Week three chart shows much more stability and control. I hope that it can keep going that way! Like I said, my prediction is that a recovered addict chart would look somewhat like the one I present here in week 3, and in a recovered addict it would be consistent throughout his life journey.

What a challenge this has been so far. I have loved every minute of it, included the bad moments. “Saying yes to life, even in its strangest and hardest problems.” Friedrich Nietzsche.

I hope with all my heart that I will keep going.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 21 public commitment side goals:

• Workout
• Relaxation Walk/Run
• Cold shower
• Journal
• Meditation
• Visualization
• Strategy
• Clean my room
• Read
• Freedom from distractions: 100% free.
• Healthy sleep the day before:
• Healthy diet
• Gratitude

 

[Androg]

Day 21

In relation to my recovery I feel fine emotionally, and urges are slightly higher than yesterday (still low) only because I had a sexual dream last night, lets see how the rest of the day develops.

Today is a highly confused day in regards to other areas related to emotional recognition. On one side I am dealing with the emotional happiness of having reached a milestone, which is also accompanied by some sort of intuition that says the following: now I must fully commit (strange, because I have fully committed since day one), now I must make another big step, and in a way that is very difficult to explain...I must change my old layers for new ones in this metamorphosis. How challenging it is to come to an understanding of this through abstraction! I have a strong confidence however, that I will bring practicality to this new understanding.

On the other hand, I am nervous because tomorrow I will see the woman I like. The waiting is killing me . I know she likes me back, but simply put we don't really know each other. And that is why I can't believe I feel so strong about her, I've had crushes before, and I have been in love in the past...but man, never this fast. And just to be clear I am not nervous due to some personal insecurity about having the confidence to speak with her, because although I am not a social skills god I do have the enough needed confidence to engage in conversation with her. Nor am I nervous about disappointing her, because I accept I am an imperfect human and if she doesn't ends up liking me or just doesn't wishes to pursue a relationship then I will accept that and move one-there are other women out there.

What truly has me scared is that she will end up disappointing me, and this speaks for itself about how messed up I am due to my pornography use and past relationships/interactions with women. Ways I am scared she could disappoint me: behaving like an egocentric narcissistic female, treating me like I'm just a boy toy, and finding out she has a relationship already and is using me either to cheat or create jealousy.
After I wrote all of this down I got to the conclusion that I am simply putting old-relationships induced fears in this new possible relationship with this new possible woman. All those fears that I have regarding her actually happened to me with other females before, and simply cause of that I find it so hard to believe that not everyone is like that. Plus, porn has helped out in reinforcing those fears. My fears are here for some reason, they can serve me well as clues for recognizing when to get the heck out before I get broken by a woman once again. But at the same time it is not fair to associate her with these fears when she has given me literally zero reason for it. And it is past time I overcome my fears, that I face them bravely. And the only way I can be brave is in believing once again that a healthy relationship is possible

And I do! Couldn't do it without recovery. But now I can. I am no longer nervous about tomorrow, despite some positive nerves that the possibility of a new relationship brings! And whatever happens happens. If it doesn't goes well and we drift apart so be it! Even in a disappointing scenario this is a WIN. A win because I am giving it a shot, I am recovering my confidence, my love, my health, my hope. So it is all for learning and growth.

It’s good to stay centered. Maybe don’t rush into sex. A period of flirty courtship works in everyone’s favor. GL!

 

[CodeTheMind]

Obstacles are what make life interesting. Obstacles are what help us change and grow.

I just need to vent now...

The enemy is real. Call it however you like. There is a force of darkness in this universe just as there is a force of light, sometimes they overlap or it is difficult to know which is which...but other times the dark can be spotted with ease. And I am filled with energy and courage to fight that evil, so much that I have spare energy right now. I'm starting to learn how to do a Haka, watching tutorial videos, because I have all this energy within me that I want to use. I work out and do Muay Thai by the way, so it is not that I am ignoring that physical activity. Right now all I want is to keep fighting. Likely this is more subjective than real but I feel like a civilized Viking in the making. Tore two shirts since I started this recovery (not proud of that lol, not breaking any more shirts again). People talk to me with ease, they respect me, I respect them. And yet, despite all of this, I am just a human trying to live life the best way he can, with my own personal sadness, love and insecurities. I just feel that despite all my strength, my close small family, and random strangers...people don't know my depths. And I want people to know my depths. I want to flow through this world, not hide from it. I don't know yet how to truly break this obstacle; maybe I should write a book or some poems, maybe I should start a YouTube channel about recovery and productivity, maybe I should find me a woman to share life with, there are thousands of things and yet I feel stuck...likely I just need to keep going the way I'm going. I think sometimes I forget this is just the early stage (day 21) of my recovery. I just needed to vent.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 22

Last night was one of the most difficult nights emotionally (I will have to edit my chart for day 21 then). I had to sleep in the couch because I simply found it so difficult to find conciliatory sleep in my bed. It wasn't urges that got me so sad, but the effects of reality hitting me in the face.
There's a lot to be thankful for, I do value and understand that in some areas of life there are people who are doing much worse than I am...but in other areas I am really far below my expectations. The addicted self would handle this by searching for porn or by masturbating, but my real self is somedays struggling to handle all of this reality. The dirt of the world is real and I have my hands so dirty, I am trying to say that last night I realized how much I had contributed to my downfall and to the miseries of my present life, contributed to that in my past.

The good thing is that I am no longer contributing to my downfall and I am actually doing the opposite. But still, since I turned 18 the balance has 5 years of self-destruction vs 22 days of construction and healing. I cannot expect to have the problems in my life and myself solved just so easily. But things do get better, slowly.

I simply got hit in the face and realized that this is just day 22.

The woman I was enamored with, turns out she has a boyfriend. Nothing happened between us. I am so confused because she likes me, I am not making that stuff up. It was a disappointing discovery. This is not the first time I am the other guy, two years ago I had a female friend (we were just friends at first) with whom I ended falling in love with and she ended up leaving her boyfriend and going back to her parents so she could make a decision and choose one guy, she never cheated on him with me not physically...she ended up choosing him. Last year a married woman, way older than me, was trying to seduce me, I did not pursue. And that's it. I have yet to met a woman who is not trouble. A few years ago I frequented a prostitute (I was done with normal relationships at that point in my life)…and we started a romance that went beyond a transactional relationship (she asked me out to dates and stuff, no money related), but of course it was destined to end terribly...and it was one of the most damaging relationships with a human being I had in my life. During COVID quarantine got in a long distance relationship with a woman I met online...we did videocalls and everything, guess what? Yep, she had a boyfriend, I didn't knew this until later on. In my teenage years I had a girlfriend, solid stuff for such a young age...I broke up with her, then we got back together a year later only for me to find out that she was cheating on someone else with me this second time. And that's it. Those are all my relationships. No wonder I gave up on life so many times and went to porn waiting to die.

Now I wish to live once again. I am doing great and feeling great in regards to my recovery. I feel so strong and powerful, metaphorically as if I could control a lightening with my bare hands. But at the same time I am too traumatized, and this last disappointment hit me hard.

For now I only want to focus on working in my social skills, developing my already high confidence even more, fixing many issues in my life in areas that I fell behind (like work and education), and working on my overall health. Logically I estimate that this will take time, maybe years, but each day is a small progress.

I just don't know what to do now when it comes to women. I know I am not masturbating or watching porn again. But I also know that I am not becoming a monk for the rest of my life. So although now it is wise to avoid sex, I have to make a decision if whether I will pursue serious relationships with the prospect of marriage and children or if I will choose to explore the casual relationships lifestyle (I am unexperienced when it comes to this one). Like I wrote a few days ago, I want the first thing, but constant disappointments are making me doubt if that will ever happen to me, and I am not going to wait forever. Well, at least I know how things stand for now so I am not concerned about my present and proximate future, however I am very concerned about my future six to twelve months from now.

 

[Androg]

Aren't there dating apps for people who are serious about finding life partners?

 

[CodeTheMind]

Aren't there dating apps for people who are serious about finding life partners?

Oh I had not given thought to this. Ok I will keep it in mind and try it when the time comes. Thanks.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 22 public commitment side goals:

• Workout
• Relaxation Walk/Run
• Cold shower
• Journal
• Meditation
• Visualization
• Strategy
• Clean my room
• Read
• Freedom from distractions: 100% free.
• Healthy sleep the day before:
• Healthy diet
• Gratitude

Today was difficult emotionally. I am aware that there are still a lot of things to change, not only in my habits but in my thinking structure-the way I see myself and the world. Somedays I am just able to be thankful for being alive, at least having incertitude about the future keeps me going, thankfully I am a curious person. I believe in the journey! I don't always appreciate the pain and sadness of my life, but I need to use them for learning and growth. And I don't want to behave like a victim, even if some things are either unjust or simply too incomprehensible, this incomprehensible universe gives me a headache sometimes. But like I just wrote, I don't want to be a victim. Ok I am responsible for myself now and therefore I stand my ground and fight this addiction.

BTW I am ending the day in a very high note. Basically I am performing great socially, especially if I compare that with my old self. It feels great.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 23

Emotionally better. Urges are alive but under the radar, which is what I would expect in a healthy non-addicted human. The day is far from over but generally the first part of the day gives me a general idea of how things stand, and at night I can adjust my interpretation of how the day went accordingly.

I am learning to fantasize less, and I don't mean sexually, but because I am a highly imaginative and dreamy person I realized that no matter how much people see this as a quality it can't always be one. What about living my real life, my reality? That is what I want. So I am working on recognizing when I am fantasizing too much about life and on cutting that cycle to bring myself back to earth.

For example. Although this woman I was enamored with turned out to have a boyfriend and I was initially disappointed, now I am learning to value that I was courageous and socially adept to interact with her, and our interactions were really good (and she did seemed to like me, so that is reassuring). I take it as good practice, and I gain a good acquaintance and potential friend. Plus, I need to value that I am interacting great socially, and I will push myself forward adding more activities in the future. At the same time, I will take it with calm, one day at a time in a life journey that is just beginning.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 23 public commitment side goals:

• Workout
• Relaxation Walk/Run
• Cold shower
• Journal
• Meditation
• Visualization
• Strategy
• Clean my room
• Read
• Freedom from distractions: 100% free.
• Healthy sleep the day before:
• Healthy diet
• Gratitude

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 24

I feel strange today. I guess I could say that I feel mentally hardened. But mental and emotional hardness right now feels strange. I don't presume of knowing true warfare but I will assume that it is like I am a soldier in battle, and the battlefield is not a pretty sight, yet the soldier is hardened to face it, and yet life seems a bit sad. The only thing that keeps the soldier going is hope, faith in the cause, sheer will to fight. Lest he lose his soul in the battlefield.

At the same time I acknowledge that this is simply a passing state of mind, one of the seasons of the heart. I do not forget that there is summer and spring in life, I have experienced those and will keep giving my best to survive my winters. It is also important for me to learn to appreciate things more, my mind can be too focused on something and be ignoring a lot of things that I can actually be happy for and appreciate.

I keep fighting. I will never give up.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 24 public commitment side goals:

• Workout
• Relaxation Walk/Run
• Cold shower
• Journal
• Meditation
• Visualization
• Strategy
• Clean my room
• Read
• Freedom from distractions: 100% free.
• Healthy sleep the day before:
• Healthy diet
• Gratitude

I simply don't have the time to do all of it. I try, I give it my best. I know I can have the time, but for that I need to learn to be more efficient and to be less slow in the transition between activities.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Well guys I approached an attractive woman and asked her is she wanted to sit and talk. She was not a complete stranger, I've seen her before, but never had a conversation in person with her. She said no (she seemed tired, and later would confess she was) and then like five seconds later when I was leaving she approached me and said she changed her mind and we spoke for like ten minutes, nothing flirty, just a friendly conversation.

Since the start of the interaction (my approach) and through all the conversation I behaved and felt confident and civilized, it was not that I was acting confident...I felt confident and thus my behavior came out naturally (the exception were those five seconds when I thought I was rejected, I did felt a bit insecure, but I know I would have pullet through that rejection eventually) . Sure, I am inexperienced so there are things I notice that I could polish about my conversation skill (but nothing too serious, the conversation was a good one), and that is only earned through experience (like learning what topics are most adequate, noticing something important about something she said and capitalizing on that, talking slower when I get excited about something). Wow this is something great for me! Especially because:

1. The most important and valuable thing was the bravery I had before and during the initial approach.

2. I did it in public, which seems irrelevant, but there was actually a lot of people near us who are part of the activity we do and I couldn't care less for what they thought.

3. I had 10 great minutes getting to know a human being of the opposite sex in a non-flirty, non-sexual way. I value so much the things we spoke about (however trivial at times), I am happy to have seen her smile, I am happy to have seen her nervous like any human would be and confident when she managed to be brave, I appreciate that I was able to share some things about myself and with another being.

Porn, you lost buddy. Masturbation, you lost pal. Addiction, suck it.

Love you guys keep it up. We are the prophets of tomorrow for so many youths of the future.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 25

Emotional difficulty is better than yesterday. Urges are lower than yesterday. I think that yesterday I truly did a life changing act by being brave. Sure, I should calm down it is not like I sacrificed myself to save a life or something .

But I am still happy for overcoming something so important like the insecurity of talking to women. In me I already was a confident person to start with, but maybe what I truly overcame was the lack of motivation, drive and interest in talking to women. It wasn't much of a fear but a lack of will to do it. Now I have the will, now I value the importance of experience and conversation. I am certain that I can do it again, and I will do so with the same or better ease, calm, and overall confidence.

All in all I will not go out to seek these interactions yet, I will only do it naturally if opportunity arrives. I do not have the time and nor is my life in the right place for me to deliberately seek the interactions. But for now this is great practice, and it is helping me heal my worldview of women and relationships. The future only waits for survivors, and a future is waiting for me, I am working diligently for it.

Learning to appreciate the small thing in life and its days. Each day has its uniqueness. I am thankful for day 25 of recovery.

Another thing I noticed is that in all likelihood the difference between day 25 and 500 is the number and the results of our actions. I used to envision that after a while one would be so dominant over the body that no urges would ever appear, but I am certain now that urges will always be there! So it is about learning to live with them and not without them, and of course about learning to not feed the urges and let them disappear. Lets see what happens.

I keep going! Never giving up.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 25 public commitment side goals:

• Workout
• Relaxation Walk/Run
• Cold shower
• Journal
• Meditation
• Visualization
• Strategy
• Clean my room
• Read
• Freedom from distractions: 100% free.
• Healthy sleep the day before:
• Healthy diet
• Gratitude

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 26

Urges are higher today and it has been a while since they were this high, emotions are moderate.

Sexual desires, fantasies and such that often are psychological pathways created during active addiction and reactivate during arousal, are making things difficult. I think my values are contradicting each other. The vision of the man I want to be is contradicting itself.

I no longer know what I want or what I am going to do beyond the next five months of my life, in regards to myself on a personal level. I don't know what man to envision to become beyond the next five months. And I am worried. I fear that after that period of time if nothing substantially good happens to me I will abandon some of my dreams and even some strict values I have. But I guess life is about changing and hopefully if that has to happen I could substitute the things I might leave behind for other things that I could still consider good and decent.

Anyways, these are just fears about the future occurring in a biological entity that is going through some difficulties in the present. That's all. The pieces will fall to their determined places, guided by time itself. I just know I have to keep going. I have no other choice, no other option. I remember that pornography and masturbation are hell to me. Likely, masturbation wouldn't be an issue if I haven't been addicted to porn (that is, if porn didn't exist) but I know pretty well that they are two sides of the same hellish coin, for me.

Well, having no other choice I keep going . Sooner or later I will recover my happiness, change my perspective. Not every day is a great day. I will survive it.

 

[Androg]

Sometimes the key piece of the puzzle isn't "on stage" yet, and the limbo serves a purpose. Stay open.