Coding the Mind

[CodeTheMind]

I will add as a reminder to myself that I am doing this for my own health and my life-subsequently for those around me.

It is difficult when the mind and brain have been so infected by addiction to the point I cannot value anything and all the angles from which I initially see things are negative angles. That cloudy prison makes it complicated to find ways out but nonetheless I will keep going.

It is a huge task to learn to live without this. I do not know how to live without this. But it is ok. I will learn to live.

 

[CodeTheMind]

I am felling positive today. Trying to not be too obsessive with this journey of quitting addiction. That is highly difficult because one wants to have complete attention on any situation that might arise and threaten progress. And with the drive to remain consistent and focused comes the risk of becoming obsessive, especially if there is a real fear of relapsing or throwing all development to the trash. Even if things are fine there is still that little thought in the head, or that small instinct which says careful now, you might just mess up today or fail at any moment. I understand that the structure of those thoughts and instincts comes as a reaction to my will to survive and quit the addiction...but that could easily make me to be constantly looking for enemies or dangers where they are not to be found....and there you have obsessiveness. So even though I understand that disinhibition can be a risk, I think that that is the way to navigate the personal situation of my addiction. I cannot live with fear. It doesn't matter if I am on the early stages or if I am on a most advanced stage of my recovery. I have the complete awareness of the science behind addiction, the logical and emotional reasons for me choosing to quit, and the awareness to recognize the dangers and triggers and threats. So no need to be scared! Hopefully this will only help me out to actually quit. Not going to make a bigger deal of this than what it already is. I need to chill a bit and accept that yes I have a problem that needs to be solved but that is no reason to be depress or to become sorrowful, resentful, and overall negative. I say no to negativity, sorrow and resentment.

 

[CodeTheMind]

My goal is to journal daily even though there are some days in which I do not really have anything new or interesting to write about. Chances are that I will not journal every single day but that is the goal and I will not change it, I like it this way. So this is a quick entry to write that things are fine and that I remain on the good path to victory.

My emphasis on this premature success is that I am learning to love myself, to respect myself, and to be dependent only upon myself. One of the reasons for my addiction was not having an emotional companion (a girlfriend) that was good enough for me...I used to feel bad about it and think there was something wrong with me but I see now that it is not necessarily true. There is nothing wrong with being alone if one is destined to solitude. I rather be alone than with bad companionship but this was not always my thinking...recently I would rather be with bad companionship instead of choosing to be alone. Porn was one of those bad companions, as well as some real women that did no good to my life. And I quit it because I am complete by myself, and I am simply over it. I love myself!

 

[CodeTheMind]

Things are good! I am very happy to be going through this experience and I welcome the opportunity that life gives me to quit addiction and become a better man. I couldn't care less about women-this includes those in pornography. I am just not interested nor willing to be a slave to need and desire. I am my own individual and I am complete by myself. Life is a great challenge with lot to learn from and experience and I am so happy that I am slowly healing my brain so it can be able to function correctly. It is astonishing to see how much the brain can be damaged by addiction and how much it can change, but it is also beautiful to notice that the brain can heal, truly a marvelous thing. Everyone needs to get their goals straight and focus on achieving victory.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Not having the best day but this is not addiction withdrawal related. Simply some trivial external circumstances have made it difficult for me to fulfill my routine today. It makes me angry because I was really enjoying the high level of productivity that comes with being free from such a destructive addiction. And today I lost the productivity even though I did not relapsed, so it sucks. The norm when I was addicted was that whenever I had a bad day just like this one I would watch pornography and masturbate just to go away from the reality of the day...but now I understand that freeing myself from addiction includes me having the strenght to survive the difficult days without succumbing down the dark spiral of destruction. If I cannot be strong enough to go through a difficult day then maybe I do not deserve to be free from addiction, this serves as a motivation for me to understand how important it is to grow up and quit. I cannot sit and cry all day because my routine got interrupted, I can do my best to fullfill all I can and hope for better days in the future.

To be honest, the difficulty I face when assaulted by a tough day just shows how immature and spoiled I allowed myself to be by only having pornography and masturbation as the tools to deal with my emotional problems. Simply put, a better man could deal with having his routine compromised without needing to run with his tail between his legs to watch pornography and masturbate. Either I am that better man or I simply deserve to be addicted.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Not going to lie about this: it is a difficult day and dealing with addiction is hard. And yet I am loving the challenge. I get to see this as an opportunity to discover my new self and to learn a lot about my life. Truth be told when the eyes open at reality that reality can be ugly to look at...but there must be a way to succeed no matter how difficult is the challenge. There has to be a way out. And if that way is ugly then I need to take it because better to live free from addiction that live in chains.

 

[CodeTheMind]

So yesterday was just a bad day and I am so glad I went through it the best way I could manage to . I am very happy that I made the choice to keep going and to choose life. Amazing!

Oh I should also register that I had weird sexual dreams last night + some strange half-asleep sexual thoughts but I will assume it is a normal part of recovery. When I woke up I thought that I had relapsed and it took me a few seconds to realize that I did not. It is so funny to notice how the recovery experience takes place.

I will add that I am already noticing a positive change on my daily activities. While sunken in addiction I would not enjoy any of my activities and I would just do them as an obligation...but now that I am quitting the addiction I happen to appreciate the simple things and my activities become a more wholesome part of my life and they complete my own individual journey. I am still dealing with emotional inner chaos...I mean by this that sometimes during the day I will feel extremelly positive and happy and other times I will feel depressed and sad...well I also take this as part of the recovery process. Hopefully (and it seems to be the case) the positive emotions will grow and become a more solid part of my inner self and will displace depression and negativity. I sit now and think of how dangerous pornography is and the terrible effect it has upon so many people, and I know it defientely had a negative effect on me. Well I need to be thankful and glad that I am noticing all of that with such clarity.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Relapsed on Saturday and I am just today getting back on track. Naturally I am highly disapointed at myself. Friday was one of the greatest days of the year for me and yet the next day I relapsed with no apparent reason. It is as if I was so unaccustomed to feeling the way I was feeling on Friday that I reverted back to the addiction just to feel comfort. I couldn't deal with the idea of success. I did not knew where to go from that highest point I had reached so I went back to the habit I have always known (addiction). I am very disapointed because my energy and productivity are gone and I was doing so well! Ok...I will use this as a reminder that quitting addiction is good and I will pick myself up starting today. The hope is that energy and productivity will return to my life as soon as possible, and they will if I keep going.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Alright so I am picking myself back up! My goal is to reduce the rate of relapses and to decrease the time it takes me to get back on building a streak. The ultimate goal is to fully quit. I'm doing fine.

 

[CodeTheMind]

My absence was due to constant relapses and an unwillingness to face them. I had lost faith in the aid that journaling provides and I left.

Now I return with inspiration to write again, in the hopes of achieving my so awaited and so delayed recovery from pornography, masturbation, and the overall hedonist and postmodernist lifestyle I was determined to live most of my life.

I feel like I have matured during my absence, and for my sake I hope that is true.

Another reason for my departure was that I felt I was putting myself in a box. My view of myself was reduced to seeing the story of my existence as that of The Addict. But I am much more than that...I was missing to see a hundred possibilities of who I might become and of who I already am. So with a tried heart I open myself to a new chapter in which I value my existence as a human being in this world. An individual with sheer value and filled with possibilities.

I expect life to hit me hard. What I do not expect is for me to betray myself like I have done in the past. I have much to learn.

Sometimes great ideas and given birth in the realm of emotions, long before they can be understood with the sophistication that reason provides. But strong and powerful emotions are already a signal that we can follow, a light in the midst of the storm. I need to remain true to those emotions, the ones that construct and guide my existence.

 

[CodeTheMind]

I keep fighting the battle. I go on.

 

[CodeTheMind]

I wish to be free and live according to reality, however more difficult reality might appear in comparison with the simulation.

I simply think that living a life of reality must have much more meaning than living a life of simulation. And I must stick to my firm understanding, which is emotional and intuitive in origin. The driving force of reality must overcome the simulated world.

I guess no one would agree with what is simulation and what is not. To me pornography, however real the act performed by the performers and however real the images, is nothing more than a simulation-thus less real than reality itself. Maybe it comes down to figuring out what is real and what is not, and that might be one of the challenges laid on the shoulders of 21st century man. A challenge I take on eagerly, with high hopes and a strong resolution. I feel more complete when I go on this journey than I ever feel when I am living in what I consider to be the simulation.

 

[CodeTheMind]

I'm back. Simply put I have been constantly relapsing and the maximum number of days that I managed to break free from this addiction in a row are 8 days in the last two months. Apparently some days I am attractive in the view of the opposite sex and they flirt with me, that of course makes me horny, and I end up relapsing.

Why don't I just pursue these women? Having sex might be the thing I need to break free from porn and masturbation. Well, it is for many reasons: in theory I have always been an old fashioned man, I am a solitary person (not introverted though! just very very chill), and my life is terrible right now so I know that these women are not going to stick around...I understand that as soon as they get to know me they'll leave me (and if they do not, I am by no means in a position to have time for a relationship). There is also no use in having a sporadic one night stand, that will only leave me craving for more, especially for regular sex. All of this ends up leaving me too frustrated and I end up retreating to pornography/masturbation. I feel to be between a rock and a hard place. Whatever I do I am hunted by the human craving for sex.

Well I am inspired today and I sort of decided that perhaps I can give quitting my addiction a better shot. As I understand it now I really need to go deep on meditation, because that might be the only tool that will provide me enough mental strength to ignore women both in the screen of my computer and in real life.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 2

Feeling better already. But I know that I cannot be too positive about it. Positivity sometimes makes me lower my guard and I become less focused to implement true long lasting change. Last night the urges came in like a fever, the images flashing in my mind, and those few minutes were a nightmare. I am surprised that I overcame that, and now I continue to build my strength.

 

[CodeTheMind]

I had some sexual fantasies in my mind a few minutes ago. The good thing is that the fantasies are about my real life and not about something I have seen on porn, or the life of someone else. I also take it that having urges is also a sign of a healthy active sexuality. And, of course, the negative aspect is that it is also a sign of a mind that is too used to fantasizing and entertaining the mind with any sort of pleasurable sexual idea. I am glad that I didn't acted on these fantasies, and I am currently doubting until which point it is safe to feed them.

The process follows this pattern:

1. An image suddenly appears in my mind. Sometimes it is a sexually explicit image that is generated by my imagination. But generally it is a face of a woman I've known (generally a former sexual partner, or a potential sexual partner).
2. The image calls my attention and I proceed to wish it was real in front of my eyes.
3. So the image stops being a single frame and becomes a series of frames-a sort of video of the mind.
4. It continues to become a much more sophisticated representation, sometimes becoming an intricate erotic story. So by this point it transcends the realm of imagery and enters the realm of higher represented ideas.
5. I try to figure out how to get that to happen in my real life, so enters the phase of planning.

By this point it clearly shows that my psyche is working on initiating a proactive response. Lets put it like this...the process is trying to motivate me into seeking to make things happen. At least that is how things look to be. It makes sense, me being a biological creature and having a biological inclination for reproduction.

But what follows are three different possible outcomes:

A) I ignore the urges (eventually the arousal disappears and the images go back to oblivion).
B) I feed on those urges. Here I consciously become an active participant in the fantasy and try to keep it going because it provides my brain with satisfaction (I guess it is related to dopamine). This eventually can lead to a relapse.
C) I feel dominated by the urges and let the situation overcome me, filled with anxiety and frustration I relapse.

Clearly B and C are a big NO. But the problem is that B is harder to recognize, it is some sort of trick that the addicted mind is playing. Meanwhile C requires some degree of strength and control of emotions in order to survive the anxiety and frustration.

I share this because I am trying to reach a detailed understanding of the process. Perhaps I have it all wrong in my analysis as to why things happen this way, but as I read it again it makes a lot of sense. My account is called CodeTheMind because I am a firm believer that with the correct understanding one can change dangerous patterns and open the mind to new possibilities.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 3

I wish I always knew what to write about on this journal! It is important that I keep writing though.

Today I have been having urges just as yesterday, to a smaller degree so far. I am not complaining about it since I think that arousal is part of the normal human biological process, and no matter how far I am on my recovery journey (be it 3 days or 1000) urges will likely always be there. The point is for those who choose to navigate the waters of life without being broken by the storms to learn to captain their ships. And I am by all heart trying to learn to do so!

Simply put one must truly believe that a different life is possible. Now I do, I don't think I did during other occasions. Deep down in the core of ourselves, in the core of our minds and bodies, in the core of all our existence...there's where true belief in change must be created and sustained, with deep care and effort.

 

[Blondie]

Hi @CodeTheMind

I wish I always knew what to write about on this journal! It is important that I keep writing though.

Just write whatever you feel like. What you wrote is great.

Even if it's just a couple of sentences, I've found it helps to keep me in the proper mindset for the day. We've been doing this bad habit for years on end, thus, it's good to read and think thoughts that will change that habit over time.

Best

 

[CodeTheMind]

Hi @CodeTheMind

Just write whatever you feel like. What you wrote is great.

Even if it's just a couple of sentences, I've found it helps to keep me in the proper mindset for the day. We've been doing this bad habit for years on end, thus, it's good to read and think thoughts that will change that habit over time.

Best

Yes, every grain of sand is needed to reverse the patterns of addiction. It might seem like nothing changes with a day's effort, but it is the sum of every good thought and action that causes true effective change.

Thank you.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 4

Easiest day so far. That supposes a difficulty in itself because I would not want to lower my guard for anything in the world. So I am being cautions and getting myself ready to handle real urges when they come, maybe in a few hours, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week. The most important thing for me right now is to be ready to deal with urges, frustration, anxiety, mood-swings, or any other withdrawal symptom that are sure to come hit me hard like a wave.

Keeping myself strong. I have found that assuming a strong mental state is key for success. And mental states are realms of the mind that need to be taken care of like a precious garden-it needs attention, care, change. Currently I am enjoying Viking metal music, just as Ivar Bjørnson music-so deep, passionate and challenging. And that provides me with a lot of concentration in this search for finding myself. I must be honest, I am very happy for experiencing change and feeling renewed hope for my life

I am very aware that it is just day 4 so by no means I am lowering my guard! This is a lifestyle that I want for the rest of my life.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Interestingly enough the trial I predicted would arrive did so quite early.

A mild petrification (likely related to some instinctive reaction?) accompanied by an uneasiness feeling, and insomnia, as if the body is struggling with the instructions of the mind. The invading thoughts were of the like of “You cant make it, if you are struggling now how do you think you will achieve your true goal of forever quitting?” I am surprised of how my thoughts, which are mere energy signals, can take such a weak and self-defeating route. But I am combating this. I understand it as a natural part of the struggle, nothing abnormal in this, something that needs to be overcome (even though much more nights like this one will come by).

Ok, I survive for another day. I assume that recording my symptoms might be of some importance.

I can, I will...