Coding the Mind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 9

Things are going well. Emotions seem to be levelled, I am not as overwhelmingly happy as yesterday but I am almost as good. Keeping myself busy is certainly useful, not just because it helps pass time but because I get to see that everything I am doing is helping me to become a better man in the future, to reach the stage in life I wish to reach. Working for better results is very useful. If I do nothing but wait for succeeding in my recovery life can be a nightmare. Sure, there are moments of the day, especially at night, in which I can only walk around the house waiting for any strong urge to decrease. Another thing I noticed is that I still have the mind of an addict (clearly not a surprise but it is important that I noticed it), I think like an addict who wishes to recover himself and is acting for recovery, but an addict still.

Days are more illuminated, nights are more profound. Smiles come easier, when they do come. I appreciate the people around me and the daily activities much more.

It is funny because in part 9 days is a big achievement for someone who was stuck for years in this addiction on only managed sporadic streaks, and at the same time 9 days is just too little-I do not know exactly how to deal with this duality. I am concerned to be honest, regarding the way I am dealing with days as numbers. One has the goal to reach an entire year, that is one important milestone to measure progress, with smaller milestones of months. But I do not want this to bring me crazy. Besides, this is something I want for the rest of my life. I still need to count to know that I am making progress, each day is a small step to recovery. I think a good approach would be to be humble about it. If my ambition is to be hundreds of days free that is just an ambition, dreams dreams are. There is a Buddhist sutra that goes like this:
Fast as a horse race, attentive among the carefree, awake while others sleep, swift as a horserace, it leaves its competitors behind. An enlightened person lives reality as it is in its essence, others dream. Although he sleeps, he is awake, alert, attentive. The flame is eternal within him. As you walk along the path you will see that this precept will be embodied in you. And you will see reality as it is and not as it seems. You will become a more objective being for yourself and those around you. And you will take advantage of this transformation in your daily life.
I apply this to my current issue and realize that I need to accept the present moment as it is. If I don't do so I will not live this day to its full extension, day 9 has its uniqueness in itself and should be lived, there is no reason to lose attention by dreaming of other days that might come in the future. Thinking of the future is natural in humans, and very useful to drive ourselves to be better and achieve our goals. That doesn't means that the present moment doesn't has anything to teach us, a nectar of life for us to experience.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 9 public commitment side goals:
  • Workout ✅
  • Walk/Run❌
  • Cold shower ✅
  • Journal ✅
  • Meditation ❌
  • Visualization ❌
  • Strategy ✅
  • Clean my room ✅
  • Read ✅
  • Freedom from distractions: 75% free.
  • Healthy sleep the day before: ❌
  • Healthy diet ✅
  • Gratitude ✅
As soon as my sleep gets fixed I will have more time and energy to do the other things on the list. Sleep issues are withdrawal symptoms so I expect this to get regulated at some moment.
 
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CodeTheMind

Active Member
Your ability to recognise and manage your emotions is something to be proud of.
Thanks you. I think so yes, I am very grateful that the lifestyle gives me the opportunity to work on my emotions and learn how to do so. Active addiction was the tool I was using for dealing with my emotional discomforts, so now that I am recovering from that the challenge is to naturally address emotional stuff. To me rational healthy thoughts are the sophistication of emotions, that is why introspection is so useful and rather important.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 10

I feel calm today. And I am enjoying a more passive and balanced happiness. I feel under control. As days go by (just ten days) I begin to feel that the day is coming in which I will have to deal with boredom and routine. Right now the routine I have implemented (and still need to get better at it) has done marvelous things for me. And I am hoping that it will remain having that good effect for the rest of my life, although certainly things are always changing and adapting. So my understanding, as I write this, is that my fears of boredom and routine are rather incoherent with reality and are part of a fantasy world; if I want to be bored and tired of routine, that is exactly what will happen. I have the luck of knowing a very successful man way older than me, and I had the luck of being a guest in his house for eight days, during that time I got to see and learn how he lived his live...remembering all of this I understand that if he wasn't in peace with his emotions he could as easily have felt bored anytime he wanted. No matter how great a life, it can get boring. So this boredom fear is something that is not alien to anyone in this world, but like many other fears, it needs to be conquered.

How to conquer it? Well, maybe accepting that it is a natural state that eventually goes away. Or seeing it as a state that is merely a creation of the mind, and opening my eyes to see what interesting parts of life I am ignoring this day. I must keep working on this specific question of boredom! Being in peace with our emotions is very important.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
This is going to be my strangest post so far. But I got accustomed with registering everything that I experience in relation to quitting this addiction. This happened to me on previous occasions too.

It seems that whenever I am feeling a surplus of inner energy, confidence, and overall instinctive (or would it be intuitive?) determination, I simply get the desire to howl 🤨. This doesn't happens when I am drained by addiction, it happens exclusively when I am recovering from it. I cannot but link this desire with some sort of show of power, of life, of existence. But what it is strangest to me still is that howling is not really something related to the human species or its ancestors (as far as I know), or species that could be closely related to us. Well...our ancestors might have coexisted with wolves, and definitely coexisted with wilder dogs and from those we ended having all our different breeds of modern dogs...

I find it super strange😅. And I know I am not the only one who has this desire!
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 10 public commitment side goals:
  • Workout ✅
  • Walk/Run❌
  • Cold shower ✅
  • Journal ✅
  • Meditation ❌
  • Visualization ❌
  • Strategy ❌
  • Clean my room ✅
  • Read ❌
  • Freedom from distractions: 50% free.
  • Healthy sleep the day before: ❌
  • Healthy diet ✅
  • Gratitude ✅
I have been exercising too much and sleeping too little. Today was a good day but I was really tired to level up when it comes to fulfilling all my side-goals. I am so happy though. I am very confident that it is a matter of time. The most important thing I have done for myself is to decide to quit this addiction, and the second most important thing was to start this new very healthy diet. To put things in perspective these two things are rather new to my lifestyle, ten days, and simply put I am still under the adjustment phase. But they are big achievements, founded on solid ground.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
And suddenly, as I try to sleep the most self-defeating thought appeared in my mind. Progress is an illusion. That's what the little and pathetic thought was. Yet, despite all its wretchedness, I was stunned by its power. Its sheer absurdity didn't stopped it from existing, nor of having the potential to ruin me. It was of the nature of thoughts that had ruined me before, on previous occasions. Contemplating such vileness and darkness I am brought to grave concern. I cannot accept that such a thing can exist. Yet it does.

Alas! There is much work to do. First to stand my ground, which is being done now as I write this. And second, to search within me for some sort of aid, and also look outside of myself for inspiration.

I think it is great that I came to my journal as soon as I noticed this, in order to stop it. I believe I could have relapsed. I wasn't even with strong urges, nor an unclear mind, but I could have relapsed out of spite if I had believed on that thought.

I'm fine though. I am still highly aware of all good things that are happening. I'm smiling.
 
Day 8 public commitment side goals:
  • Workout ✅
  • Walk/Run❌
  • Cold shower ✅
  • Journal ✅
  • Meditation ❌
  • Visualization ❌
  • Strategy ✅
  • Clean my room ✅
  • Read ✅
  • Freedom from distractions: 50% free.
  • Healthy sleep the day before: ❌
  • Healthy diet ✅
  • Gratitude ✅
I am aware that meditation is a must and I even stated it since day one. So I will address this difficulty. I've tried to meditate and I felt too overwhelmed. I think that everything I keep under control starts rushing in when I am trying to meditate, it is an opportunity for my mind/body to signal all these urges and emotional turmoil I experience. As I understand it the goal of meditation is exactly to learn, through meditation, to deal with all of those things that arise during the meditation session. I haven't mastered it yet, but I will keep trying. This is essential for my survival.
Meditation can be extremely difficult in the beginning, especially for anyone who has a history of trauma. Active addiction can lead to a diminished frontal lobe, although meditation has been shown to reverse this it may also make it more difficult. I have been using a guided meditation through the "Balance" app and I have found it easier than doing in on my own. They were offering their programme free for the first year which makes it an easy opportunity.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Thanks guys.

Last night thought had me bothered but as soon as I woke up today I started to see the situation in a new light. I see those thoughts as a challenge, an opportunity for me to upgrade myself. Maybe the mind is not so awfully trying to destroy me, perhaps it is challenging me to give another step, to climb higher in the mountain. It is asking me if I have what it takes. And I answered yesterday the same I answer now: yes! That is why I keep going :D
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Meditation can be extremely difficult in the beginning, especially for anyone who has a history of trauma. Active addiction can lead to a diminished frontal lobe, although meditation has been shown to reverse this it may also make it more difficult. I have been using a guided meditation through the "Balance" app and I have found it easier than doing in on my own. They were offering their programme free for the first year which makes it an easy opportunity.
Indeed! I will try today again. Yes those apps are really good, I have Waking Up, which also offers a free program. Ok it is about getting the ball rolling, I will do it!
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 11

Today for the first time in my recovery I was walking through some very crowded streets, I don't usually have to go through those streets. Crowded streets equals more number of women to cross paths with, and I felt like I was getting some attention. I'm absolutely not saying that all the women were paying attention to me but I catched a few, one seemed to have smiled at me. I do not even know if those I'm referring to were really attracted to me, I do not know if the woman who smiled was smiling for another reason that had nothing to do with me, I'm just saying that things seemed to me to be very different than they used to be before. Worst case scenario I was imagining or rather exaggerating that, but still, it means that I am noticing real women more. Best case scenario this lifestyle increases my confidence, I start to look healthier, so it enhances my physical qualities, so I might have actually caught some real stares. There is really no way to know, lets see what happens in the future.

Like I wrote a while back though, I am in no position of pursuing a relationship with a woman. They might find me attractive and like my personality but I have things to solve first. Sure I could consider casual sex, well...that goes somewhat against my principles, but...I'm not sure, yes perhaps it is the course to take, if it is true that I could be successful when it comes to that (I definitely don't have experience in making things happen). But I have a lot of confidence, even when I am addicted, I have a strong individualist personality but I am very calm, there is percentage of women that do feel attracted to me (this I know form past experience) but I am not experienced in taking action, not that often. I do not know if my values are incorrect, sometimes it feels like I belong to the past century...I'll leave a Nietzsche quote that might be good for this occasion; you must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes? Friedrich Nietzsche.

Also, I don't want to focus much on this yet. It is just eleven days and I need to be focused on my recovery. Thinking about that woman who smiled at me could be counterproductive. It might end up frustrating me, because she is just a stranger that I'm not likely to see ever again.

Emotionally things remain well. Lower urges than yesterday. So far. Not lowering my guard.
 
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CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 11 public commitment side goals:
  • Workout ✅
  • Walk/Run❌
  • Cold shower ✅
  • Journal ✅
  • Meditation ✅
  • Visualization ✅
  • Strategy ✅
  • Clean my room ✅
  • Read ✅
  • Freedom from distractions: 75% free.
  • Healthy sleep the day before: ❌
  • Healthy diet ✅
  • Gratitude ✅

    Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu 🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 12

Urges are slightly higher than yesterday, emotions are slightly better than yesterday, so far. The day is far from over. I feel like an animal. What can I say? I truly do feel like an animal. In the good sense of the word I mean it. I feel connected to my roots, to my nature. There is a focus within me, a security, a realization. I'm happy. I don't think I would feel like this if I haven't done more than quitting and abstaining, the truth is that I have been pushing myself higher in many areas of life, and although I am certain I could and should do more this is homeostatic progress. Dealing with my emotions is key here, I have discovered a power to understand myself and to deal with myself that I didn't thought existed.

I'm happy. I smile. There is a feeling in my mind that I cannot describe but in metaphor. It feels solid, magnetic. It feels like the bow and arrow are in sequence; tight, stretched, aiming to fire.

All in all I want to be very, very, very careful. I'm not lowering my guard. I am still a recovering addict, not a recovered addict, not matter how completed I feel. There is a long journey to go through, a lot to experience, learn and deal with. I want to take it all under my responsibility and handle it like a man.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Experiencing some degree of sexual frustration but I am getting through it. Today I took the step to set some written goals to myself regarding interacting more with women, I made a strategy and created milestones and steps to achieve these goals. I think it is an useful and perhaps important task the one I did today, because now I have a written contract with myself. And it is clear to me that someday the step is to fulfill the goals written there, to some level. But it is frustrating because at least in my imagination I bring those goals into existence, they are realer than they were before I wrote them, and now I am compromised to fulfill them. This is confusing ground because I don't want to make any false steps, that could potentially make me relapse.

I'm scared that it might be too soon for me. And yet, I wasn't feeling this way when I wrote the strategy. And will not be feeling this way a few hours from now, I know it.

What I want to try is day-gaming. I have been always fascinated by this. The challenge is intriguing, to go and talk to random strangers in a direct approach. The women I have successfully interacted with in my past (past girlfriends and romances, but don't assume I had more than a few) weren't random strangers, so this is definitely new ground for me. I've watched the videos and study the methods, just haven't done it yet. And I feel it will turn out like any of my Muay Thai classes: I feel like not going but I tell myself that I will do great and after it I will feel so good about myself, and that is exactly what happens. Still, I haven't done this 😒. I put a lot of excuses: it consumes a lot of time, it distracts me from more important stuff, I'm too traditional minded. And now the excuse I'm having is that it is still too soon on my recovery.

I find it a great challenge because it completely upgrades one's confidence for any social interaction. Imagine how you would feel after talking with lets say 100 women in a year. Just the cold approaches, just talking, that in itself could provide one with a lot of skills, learning, and social confidence.

I hope this explains my frustration. I still don't know how to draw the line with fantasy and reality 😔

I remain well, despite this. I will be strong.

Edit: Nevermind, I will do it. Soon. There's not not doing it. I don't intend to remain a coward when it comes to this forever. What better way to draw the line between fantasy and reality than getting a taste of real life. 🙂
 
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TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Hats off to you for figuring out the importance of chatting people up.

To make the transition easier, try:
0. Attend small gatherings like meetup where people are already open to talk
1. Talk to any random stranger of any age ( who would look reasonably friendly and safe ) month 1
2. Gradually stream to any one near your age ( attractive to you or not ) month 2
3. Gradually stream to people you are keen about
Month 3

You'd find
1. People are normal and regular just like you
2. There are successful and non successful tries. Learn to take it in stride.
3. The key is to learn the experience and understand people and conversation techniques and topics better. And understand yourself better too!

On videos, I'm of the opinion of honest dudes and never pickup artists or baitclick videos on how to get women fast. Those are scammers and not good for anyone.
This one seems nice:

Have fun doing this and do report back!
 
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CodeTheMind

Active Member
Thanks TakeActionNow! I will report back on this when I make myself do it. I think that this lifestyle truly pushes me to end up being much more social than I currently am.

I agree that pickup artists can be pretentious or even give bad advice. However I do think that it is possible to do our own day game, with the right practice and manners, without having to resort to classical methods of finding a woman (such as night-club, meting her through friends, etc.). There is this youtuber called ThatWasEpic (I follow him since he had like 20K subs, now I don't watch YouTube though, but did see the video you shared and loved it) he makes joke videos, but sometimes he also approaches women and asks for their numbers in funny ways...and he succeeds! He is very genuine, I wouldn't say he is a scammer, so it is guys like him and the one you shared that are true inspiration for gaining overall confidence in social life, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. Of course, maybe to do this successfully physical attractiveness is a requirement, because the women do not know the guy and will be judging him by his looks, confidence, and speech skills alone.
 
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CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 12 public commitment side goals:
  • Workout ✅
  • Walk/Run ✅
  • Cold shower ✅
  • Journal ✅
  • Meditation ✅
  • Visualization ✅
  • Strategy ✅
  • Clean my room ✅
  • Read ✅
  • Freedom from distractions: 75% free.
  • Healthy sleep the day before: ❌
  • Healthy diet ✅
  • Gratitude ✅
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 13

The "honeymoon" phase I had with my recovery is over. I have been brought to my senses by life itself, naturally. I am struggling emotionally and urges are higher, likely a sign of having entered the flatline. Regardless of how I should call this stage of my recovery it is plain that it is an early stage. That is frustrating, one would have hoped that by will alone solutions would be forced to occur in a blink. This is not the case however, it appears that there is no other way than through the path of fire.

Solitude, regret, frustration, sadness...are common right now. I cannot escape this. I can only stand my ground and fight the good fight, my sole salvation is with the outcome of this purgatory.

If I want a chance to live true life I simply need to defeat my addiction. This includes stop missing all of what I am currently missing; in porn, in fantasy, in sexual stimulus. In the meantime I must remain productive, and I also need to continue working on handling my emotions and my urges.

Rationally, I don't feel like I will fail. Emotionally, I am scared of failure. It is as if 13 days ago I started walking on a tightrope and just now I look down to the void below, I am becoming aware of the consequences of falling off this rope and the difficulties of continuing walking on it. This is certainly a key moment. Because if I can keep my balance and somehow keep walking I could defeat this challenge and move on to the next one.

Yeah...well I'm going to win 😄.
 
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