Coding the Mind

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Withdrawal is miserable, but things like exercise, support and socializing seem to ease the pain. So does reading inspiring accounts of recovery now and then.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Withdrawal is miserable, but things like exercise, support and socializing seem to ease the pain. So does reading inspiring accounts of recovery now and then.
Absolutely! It is nice to remind myself about others who have successfully recovered from this and other addictions, their lives changing dramatically for the best. This withdrawal stage is something to go through, there is no way around it, and I will do it! (y) Thanks.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 13 public commitment side goals:
  • Workout ❌
  • Walk/Run ❌
  • Cold shower ✅
  • Journal ✅
  • Meditation ✅
  • Visualization ❌
  • Strategy ❌
  • Clean my room ✅
  • Read ✅
  • Freedom from distractions: 50% free.
  • Healthy sleep the day before: ❌
  • Healthy diet ✅
  • Gratitude ❌
Honestly today I must see it as a victory despite the lack of productivity. I remain strong. I take it as a rest day. Tomorrow I will go back on track, if not, it is relapse. I don't write this to be negative but to be realistic. I need to find a way to deal emotionally with the frustrations, and psychologically with all the thought pattern reactions that this recovery is causing within me. The first thing is to get used to this discomfort and learn that I can survive it, and that happens with each day that I accomplish to overcome it, like today. The second thing to do is actually to keep very alive in my mind the sacrifice that I've done in the days that have passed, that sacrifice should not be in vain, not matter how much I could suffer I will not let myself down.

The truth is that I will succeed because I am strong. Strength is not the absence of suffering but the capability to keep going despite of it.
 
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CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 14

Feeling better than yesterday, and lower urges. I feel stronger, more battle tested. It is true that the best teaching is to overcome a hardship, by doing so I realized that I was capable of succeeding and now I certainly feel more secure about myself, to overcome it again when it comes.

Right now I simply don't care about anything than quitting this addiction. That doesn't means that I am not pursuing other goals, because I am, but it means that my conviction of the importance of quitting this addiction is stronger than it ever was. I now understand that there is no trick I could play to myself, no way to postpone it anymore: I have been playing tricks and postponing this since the last five years when I realized that I was an addict. No more :)

I'm quitting addiction 👏👏 I'm winning.

I will remain highly attentive, keeping in mind that this is the early stage of recovery.
 
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CodeTheMind

Active Member
Weekly Recovery Chart Update

Week 1:


Recovery Chart_LineChart (2).png
Week 2:

Recovery Week 2_LineChart.png

Analysis:

Urges seem to be more levelled, although high, on the second week in comparison with the first one.
Emotions seem to follow a very similar pattern in the two weeks, with the fifth and sixth day of the week being the most difficult in emotional levels.
Drastic increases and decreases of emotional levels seem to be followed by the drastic increase or decrease of urges in the same direction, and vice versa-but there are some big inconsistencies. It is too early to tell but I am assuming that after emotional difficulty levels reaches its peak that is followed by an extreme decrease of emotional difficulty that is not correlated with a decrease of urges-lets see what week 3 can say about this.
 
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CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 14 public commitment side goals:
  • Workout ✅
  • Walk/Run ❌
  • Cold shower ✅
  • Journal ✅
  • Meditation ✅
  • Visualization ❌
  • Strategy ❌
  • Clean my room ✅
  • Read ✅
  • Freedom from distractions: 50% free.
  • Healthy sleep the day before: ❌
  • Healthy diet ✅
  • Gratitude ✅
Picking myself up. Things are going well, I am learning to captain my ship. I recovered my confidence. I feel super strong again. Happier. I am so ready to destroy the obstacles of this new upcoming week. It is a matter of time until I become dominant over my activities and all my goals. I will do so. I will win. And I will not keep postponing things.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
I don't know if it was selected at random but the color orange is an excellent selection for the skin of the forum.

This color is psychologically helpful for recovery. It creates positivity, enhances creativity, etc

Don't think I am exaggerating. Every day I enter this page I get a boost just by the beautiful orange color. Man, I teared up writing this :ROFLMAO:

I guess this appreciation is really part of the lifestyle and I cannot take it but for a sign of a good recovery. Things become brighter. Even small details can be appreciated.

I cannot wait to see this world in its true light for the rest of my life, despite every difficulty, it's beautiful.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 15

I'm starting to be busier for the following months so I might skip some of my three daily posts here on the forum. I will try my best to keep writing every single day and keeping everything in check. Nothing is likely to change regarding my activity, I will do everything I can to keep it up. I know I post a lot but I have discovered that it is super helpful. I am very invested in this part of the lifestyle (journal, analysis, emotional honesty, etc.).

The day is far from over but it is going very well. I am happier than yesterday and urges are basically flying under the radar. I think it is about keeping myself under control. If I wanted to, that is if I were so stupid, I could bring my urges back up, but I will not do such thing of course.

I hope everyone is doing well. Have a good day.

By the way, halfway through the first month!
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 15 public commitment side goals:
  • Workout ✅
  • Walk/Run ✅
  • Cold shower ✅
  • Journal ✅
  • Meditation ✅
  • Visualization ✅
  • Strategy ✅
  • Clean my room ✅
  • Read ✅
  • Freedom from distractions: 75% free.
  • Healthy sleep the day before: ❌
  • Healthy diet ✅
  • Gratitude ✅
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 16

Things are similar in comparison to yesterday, controlled emotions, low urges. Day is not over yet though. Sorry if I always repeat myself but writing these things is really helpful. It is as if I were coding my mind, changing my thought pattern, that requires effort and repetition. I'm not lowering my guard. I'm winning and I'll keep winning.

At this point I have clear in my head how sick addiction is. And I also have it clear how expanded life gets when one is quitting and has the strength to stand up to the challenges.

Looking at my weekly recovery chart I am this time preparing myself to deal with the days five and six of the week, since those seem to be the hardest ones. Thursday and Friday (emotional difficulty). My goal is to break that pattern. Also, I need to be ready to deal with it if I don't manage to keep it cool. I'll just get through that nightmare like I did before, no problem with that...but sure, the ideal thing is to truly recover and that should make it so that days like that stop happening with such frequency. Let's see how that goes.

I'm happy. For the first time in the last two years I reach 16 days. I always thought that I am of the group of addicts that finds it really difficult to actually commit to it and get past the first two weeks, but once that is done there is more dominion over the whole thing. Hopefully it is going to be like that, now that I reached this stage I just keep going forever non-stop.

But if hell is on the way I will also survive that.
Fast as a horse race, attentive among the carefree, awake while others sleep, swift as a horserace, it leaves its competitors behind. An enlightened person lives reality as it is in its essence, others dream. Although he sleeps, he is awake, alert, attentive. The flame is eternal within him. As you walk along the path you will see that this precept will be embodied in you. And you will see reality as it is and not as it seems. You will become a more objective being for yourself and those around you. And you will take advantage of this transformation in your daily life.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 16 public commitment side goals:
  • Workout ✅
  • Walk/Run ✅
  • Cold shower ✅
  • Journal ✅
  • Meditation ❌
  • Visualization ❌
  • Strategy ❌
  • Clean my room ✅
  • Read ❌
  • Freedom from distractions: 75% free.
  • Healthy sleep the day before: ❌
  • Healthy diet ✅
  • Gratitude ✅
Was feeling a bit ill today so it is understandable that I was less productive. Everything is good on the recovery front anyways. I am doing great.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Oh, I did some small progress socially. I have been interacting more with people. I am even comfortable being the center of attention and drawing people towards me. Simply put I feel confident in the external social world. I am solitary though so naturally I don't really put myself in social situations, but I am performing well, completely confident talking to women as well (not in a seductive manner but neither as a simp, just chatting with them). Small progress on this area but progress nonetheless. The thing is....I don't even have to force myself to behave this way, it comes out naturally, I feel so confident and calm.

I still have some insecurities about myself. For example, I harbor a lot of resentment for my past relationships in life and even today I know that my solitary behavior is conditioned by this. I find it so hard to believe in love, or even to believe in healthy respectful and caring relationships, that I cannot commit myself to a woman. I cannot believe there are good women out there for me, I know there are a lot of good women, I've seen them, but for some reason that makes me very sad it seems that is not the case for me. Clearly this is still an issue, but I am taking it with ease, this will take more time to heal.

Looking at the bright side, I smile :)
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 17

Still doing great. Same level of emotions and urges than yesterday, even slightly better. I am capable of recognizing that life is brighter and livelier. I feel strong, powerful, inner-outer connected with reality and myself. It is very solid stuff. At this point the biggest difference I see between this day 17 and lets say an envisioned 500 day is that all results take time to arrive. Physical changes, productivity changes, health changes, chemical changes, social changes, and more. I have already been experiencing many, and this is by far not the full expression of my recovery and overall of myself.

Still, there is always the possibility of simply searching for porn and/or masturbating. I mean, I could do that right now if I wanted to. But it is that I do not fully want to. Sure, some part of me naturally would want for me to masturbate, but that is not me, that is just a signal and reaction of the body. And I truly feel like I am never lowering my guard again. I hope so, truly hope so.

Not expecting this state I am currently in to last forever. I mean that surely it would make sense if I have difficult days ahead of me. But maybe...and just maybe...part of a full recovery means that life difficulties will stop happening in relation to an addiction that is being defeated. For example, I could be sad for a thousand reasons, but today addiction is not one of them, and the goal is that it should never be one reason for the rest of my life :)
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 17 public commitment side goals:
  • Workout ✅
  • Walk/Run ✅
  • Cold shower ✅
  • Journal ✅
  • Meditation ❌
  • Visualization ❌
  • Strategy ❌
  • Clean my room ✅
  • Read ❌
  • Freedom from distractions: 50% free.
  • Healthy sleep the day before: ❌
  • Healthy diet ✅
  • Gratitude ✅
It is what it is guys when it comes to my commitment productivity. My overall productivity in life, which goes beyond my public commitment, is going well. I will try my best to do better here. I have to and I want to. It just takes time to adapt to a lifestyle that says I am truly living this life. The only thing that is out of my control is healthy sleep, that is probably a withdrawal symptom so hopefully it gets fixed with time and consistency.

I am loving life, with all that is included in it! It is as if I finally realized that in life you have to fight, to be brave, to love, and to accept the imperfections while still searching for the best.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 18

I'm sick today. No strength, pain, sleep. I doubt I'll get anything done. It is nothing serious, tomorrow I will feel fine. So I just need to go through this day of weakness and discomfort. And guess what, I'm not falling! Of course I am not happy with my sickness but when it comes to emotional difficulty relating recovery/addiction I am doing well, urges are a bit higher (yet not so much) but that is understandable since the body is weaker. I'm not weak in the mind however. So I'll keep going!
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 19

I am still ill, but better than yesterday. I think it is due to the drastic diet change that I implemented alongside this addiction recovery. So these two days have been lacking in productivity, I have mostly been sleeping. The thing I am really proud of is that in a weak moment I have not given up and both my urges and emotional challenges are in order.

Despite lacking in energy I remain strong in defeating my addiction.

Through my fever I started to see and evaluate time in a different manner. I realized how impatient I used to be in life, how needy, how desperate for attention. No more of that. I have grown during the last 19 days in realization about many things, and I think my understanding about reality is more mature.

I am happy that I keep going.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Got better by the end of the day. I got the number of a woman, and she seems to be interested in me! No guys she doesn't seems, she is. And I am interested in her. Now I am going to write something very emotional for me to write...

In natural conditions I am a confident guy with a decent personality that gets along with people really well, has love for life and lives it in the best way he can, admitting his mistakes and learning. I am a guy who under natural conditions has no problem with women. But guess what...under the nightmare of porn, during the last 10 years (since I was 12), I was never under natural conditions.

I was ugly. I was sick. I was tired, dried, depressed. My human spirit was non-existent. My mind was dead. I was a worm of a man.

And now I am feeling the effects of recovery in my body, in my mind, in my emotions, in my spirit.

My wish is that everyone who is struggling with addiction, any addiction, can keep fighting and getting back up after every fall. I had many falls but I always got back up, always having in my mind that someday I would be better. And today, I am better. I am well. I am happy guys.

I know, I know, early still in my recovery. I will never lower my guard.

Thanks for the support and keep fighting every battle in life.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 20

Twenty days ago, if I did envisioned myself with a woman, it was merely a sexual imagination. I would think of myself as some sort of reproductive sexual machine that would in his ideal life hook-up with tens of women, hundreds throughout the years. Under my conditions and my potential, recovery could very well provide me with a decent opportunity to fulfil a certainly more realistic future akin to that vision.

Part of this was due to my pornography addiction and also due romantic deceptions I had during my early youth that I couldn't handle (likely due to the effects of pornography use). Also, my encounters with women my age showed me that nowadays most young women don't want anything to do with a serious relationship, lest be it with a man their own age (they prefer older men). Many just want casual sex, others sporadic romances that are doomed to end rapidly, this is limited to my experience but exactly by my experience I think that only the minority wants to have something serious. Blame it on culture, blame it on men, blame it on women, blame it on biology, blame in on anything or don't blame it on nothing...that's just how things stand and the opinion of many men around the world, alongside statistics, point to some truth in my words.

And maybe there is nothing wrong with all of that written above. Maybe that is progress. Maybe that is evolution. But as long as my understanding goes: emotions, values, morality, that is also part of evolution. So, as long as i breathe on this earth I have a journey to walk, a part to play, and a few things to do and say.

And with a healthier brain and mind I find myself contemplating having one day a serious relationship, and working on myself for the arrival of that day. This makes me overwhelmingly happy because I never thought I would think like this again, I thought that even if I went through recovery I would still hold to my other views. I even want to have children one day! There is this small fear that follows like a shadow, a fear threatening me with words such as you will never make it, you will fall, those dreams you have are not realistic, that life you want is not possible, and much more. Finally, after years of listening to those fears. I stand my ground and say to them that it is possible, that I can be happy, I can triumph in difficulty, I can live life in a better way, I can accept reality with its imperfections. I smile and I am brave despite fear, or rather, I am brave thanks to fear. I just had to overcome it. Bravery is to me the most important thing for a man to learn. And also to listen to one's own emotions, to be capable of mature introspection, working on our emotions might seem feminine but not at all; alongside bravery emotional maturity is what truly makes a man.

Recovery is going well. Today I am overwhelmingly happy. Urges are low.
 
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Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
It's great you're envisioning a healthy relationship again. Society works better in many ways (according to anthropology views I've read) if most men have mates...as opposed to just the older and wealthier ones...having more than their share. Humans aren't gorillas, but many of us seem to be headed that way.
 
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