Day 20
Twenty days ago, if I did envisioned myself with a woman, it was merely a sexual imagination. I would think of myself as some sort of reproductive sexual machine that would in his ideal life hook-up with tens of women, hundreds throughout the years. Under my conditions and my potential, recovery could very well provide me with a decent opportunity to fulfil a certainly more realistic future akin to that vision.
Part of this was due to my pornography addiction and also due romantic deceptions I had during my early youth that I couldn't handle (likely due to the effects of pornography use). Also, my encounters with women my age showed me that nowadays most young women don't want anything to do with a serious relationship, lest be it with a man their own age (they prefer older men). Many just want casual sex, others sporadic romances that are doomed to end rapidly, this is limited to my experience but exactly by my experience I think that only the minority wants to have something serious. Blame it on culture, blame it on men, blame it on women, blame it on biology, blame in on anything or don't blame it on nothing...that's just how things stand and the opinion of many men around the world, alongside statistics, point to some truth in my words.
And maybe there is nothing wrong with all of that written above. Maybe that is progress. Maybe that is evolution. But as long as my understanding goes: emotions, values, morality, that is also part of evolution. So, as long as i breathe on this earth I have a journey to walk, a part to play, and a few things to do and say.
And with a healthier brain and mind I find myself contemplating having one day a serious relationship, and working on myself for the arrival of that day. This makes me overwhelmingly happy because I never thought I would think like this again, I thought that even if I went through recovery I would still hold to my other views. I even want to have children one day! There is this small fear that follows like a shadow, a fear threatening me with words such as you will never make it, you will fall, those dreams you have are not realistic, that life you want is not possible, and much more. Finally, after years of listening to those fears. I stand my ground and say to them that it is possible, that I can be happy, I can triumph in difficulty, I can live life in a better way, I can accept reality with its imperfections. I smile and I am brave despite fear, or rather, I am brave thanks to fear. I just had to overcome it. Bravery is to me the most important thing for a man to learn. And also to listen to one's own emotions, to be capable of mature introspection, working on our emotions might seem feminine but not at all; alongside bravery emotional maturity is what truly makes a man.
Recovery is going well. Today I am overwhelmingly happy. Urges are low.