A Long time battle that I need to stop ignoring

Trisquel

Member
I´m writting this after a shitty day were I did PMO twice.
(nsfw, triggers alert)

I´m 21, and the first time I´ve used porn was when I was 8. That´s more than 10 years of heavy porn use. 13 years. It has scalated since then, of course. My whole sexuality has been determined by porn. Now I feel sick and trapped.

From normal porn I began to watch more serious and extreme stuff. Anal, BDSM, femdom, domination, humilliation. At some point it arrived to scat and animals. I´ve became very stuck with femdom up to the point I don´t know if is a real fetish or something porn triggered me into.
Around age 15 I began to use chats and webcams with extrangers, something I struggle with still. (I haven´t use webcam sex in a long time, but sometimes I still go to chats). In my teenage years I was consuming porn everyday, and using chats and exposing myself in webcams a lot. My family sittuation was pretty bad, and I enjoyed porn and these activities a lot, it was what made me feel good and satisfied.

It was also around that time when I came across YBOP, and I began realizing I had a problem. I tried to quit several times, but I would never mannage. I just was not able to stop, even if I tried very hard to. My record of days woithout porn was less than two weeks. If you think about it, There hasn´t been a period in my life where I didn´t consumed porn for more than two weeks.

I´ve had several attemps to quit, I got use to be always quitting, and always relapsing. I was still struggling with hardcore porn conssumpsion and sex with extrangers in the internet. It scalated until I decided to meet some extranger in real life in a GloryHole. At some point I joined SAA (sex additcs annonymous), and it helped me to stay away from it for a while, but nothing more than that, I think is not really my thing.

Porn has affected every area of my sexuality. It affected my first sexual relationship, when I was 16. I thought It was supposed to be like porn, and I harmmed my then girlfriend because of that. Now, with my current girlfriend, I find a hard time to stop thinking about porn. When we have sex I have to think about porn to reach and orgasm, and I feel bad afterwards. It doesn´t feel quite right, it feels dirty, even if we are only having normal and healthy sex. I find it hard to be sexually sattisfied in the real world, that´s what I mean.

I´m 21yo now, and I´m pretty much in the same sittuation as when I was 15. I realize that something has to change, or I will suffer from this my whole life. This last weeks I´ve been lost in fantasies, in pornsites, in edging and PMO, up to the point I feel is draining me. I need to change, I need to build a good life!!! I don´t want to be a porn addict my whole life. I don´t want to look back on me and see a story I´m ashamed of. I need to do something for my life, or I will regret it.

Right now I feel a bit hopeless.


I will try to keep a journal here to track my progress.
I will set a date of 14 days without porn. That would be great for me.
Honestly now this feels very far away, and I´m a little ashamed of it... is only two weeks, but it feels like a big task, that I have tried many times before and failed.
 
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Trisquel

Member
Day1/14:
I had a nightmare where my girldfriend discovered this post and I had to explain her everything. It was so strange, at some point I got up to check my messagess in my phone, just to check I was really dreaming and it was not really happening. I was so scared.
 
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Johncane

Member
I have read your journal. I feel there something you can do. And i request you to do this,please. Ask your girlfriend for her time . Talk to her about your problem. Don't start with 'hey gf, I'm a porn addict' that will scare her off. Say since last few years i have been facing certain massive issue that i m not able to deal with . She would ask tell me about it. You tell her how you feel right now. Tell her about your emotions, thoughts, if you have sleeplessness, memory issues, less cognitive function, low focus and you know that all. Then tell her that you came across this knowledge, tell her everything now. This will definitely scare her off. But believe me either she will stick to you and help your or will leave you. Both are good this. You have to see them from the right perspective. If she helps awesome. If she leaves then i dont think she could have helped. But this will do a good thing for you that you will get a feeling of relief and that you will realise that you have to change. And my friend that is serious you have to change .don't stay in this shit . It destroys you as it did to me. Right now I was reading wack your brain on porn book. I got a strong urge . I thought I should go to forum and help somebody. I thik the urge is gone already. I feel okay now. Come honest with your girlfriend atleast she will appreciate your honesty. Please man .
 

Trisquel

Member
Day 3/14:

3 days without PMO.
I have been with people the last days and it has helped me a lot. Now I have to face a couple of days alone, let´s see how it goes.

I have been using social media on a compulsive manner this morning, sometimes it remiends me of my porn use, and I know I have to be carefull with that since it can be a trigger. So far I´ve set a couple of timers on the apps I use. I should make some planning to don´t use my phone so much.

I sometimes think that I could watch some porn, but I know I have to be carefull with those thoughts. I haven´t had any big urges rn, but I know from experience it´ll be worse in a few days. I have develped a patter of beeing clean for some days (a week or something) and then binging on porn. For now is easy but I´ll have to be more carefull in the future.

I´m starting to feel more positive about it! I feel even it won´t be easy I can do this!
 
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Hey Trisquel. You are not alone!
Good idea to keep track of your urges and why they happen.
I've made a list of my triggers and that helps. Especially asking yourself once you have your list 'How might I avoid these situations' and importantly when you wake up in the morning 'Given what's planned for me today, is there a risk of me running into these situations and how might I avoid them?'
 

Johncane

Member
Using social media can be a great trigger for a relapse as it itself release dopamine that gives you urges. It was one of the major trigger for me so I just deleted jus my social media accounts. Removing triggers is a great help
 

Johncane

Member
Yes sure limit your use. If that doesn't work final option would be deleting them don't even think about that. Cause staying available to everyone everytime is what we want. And that's not possible. Keep your close ones very close. They will help you not any stranger that triggers a relapse
 

Trisquel

Member
What I've done too is switching to a Nokia dumbphone - I still have the iPhone around for when I need it (I switch between one and the other depending on what I'm up to). This has allowed me to distance myself a little bit from social media :)
thank you for your advice, I will think about it!
 

Trisquel

Member
Day 4/14

I had some urges today, but I was outside all day long, so it wasn´t a problem. I noticed I was excited about going out (I was making a city trip), which is a good thing.

Also, I need to stop limiting the use of my phone, I feel I´m looking at it all day long, and sometimes I have the same feeling from it as if I was watching porn. Compulsive internet and social media use is a problem I have, and I think it correlates somehow to my porn addiction.
For now I will use social media only after lunch and dinner. I will not use it specially in the morning or before going to sleep. I will buy an alarm clock so I don´t have to use my phone.
I will see how I do with this measures. If I cannot keep it like that I will get a nokia phone.

I saw my girlfriend today for a brief time. Due to some tension in the relationship we are putting some distance at the moment (we were in a very stressfull enviorement and our way of copping with stress together is not the best), so we don´t see each other so often. we cuddle a little and it was great actually, I´m happy about it and I guess is helping me with this fight.

Also, I was in a meme page and the first post was a sexual one, so I have to be carefull with those sites, I will stop visiting them.

I still deal with thoughts about whatching porn, porn flashbacks and urges, I will try to keep as busy as I can, to put my mobile phone away from me, let´s see how it goes like that!
 

TypeN

Active Member
Hey man, great job making it this far. I think you've got the right idea about social media. I've also always had addictive tendencies with other media, and it goes hand in hand with the lifestyle that promotes porn use, so best to moderate it too (need to do a better job of this myself).

It's also good that you're maintaining connection with your girl even if you can't be close right now.

Keep it rolling man, you're doing great. 💪
 

Trisquel

Member
Day 5/14

Today I didn't have any huge urges. Sometimes I still think about porn and PMO, though. But so far I'm able to control it.

Yesterday I moved to another city. I was cleaning and buying some stuff today. I'm a little bit stressed and down because I have to look for a job but I hope that will turn out well. Luckily I have a couple of good friends on the city and that's helping me a lot.

I'm reducing the time on my phone, Is very difficult, but I expect it to get better in the following days, I'll be disciplined about it, is important.

I'm eating quite unhealthy this days. I do that everytime I get stressed. I will try to eat more healthy, I know is very important and it'll help me. I'm not going to hard on myself for that, I'm changing a lot of habits these days, one thing at a time. I will try to cook more healthy overall, changing my eating habits step by step.
 

Trisquel

Member
Day 7/14

One week!

I stayed up until late tonight. It was very stupid, I was just on my phone all the time, even though I was very tired.

I have to be very careful with that, because that kind of behaviours can lead to a relapse. I'm trying to maintain a sleeping schedule because it helps me a lot through the day, and otherwise I'm very disorganized. I need to stop playing with it so much.

Also, I was fantasizing to porn this morning when I woke up. It was not for long, but still, this is the kind of behaviours that lead to a relapse and that need to be very aware of.

Lucky I was aware and I could stop it in the moment, I came to this forum immediately to write it away.

I've slept like shit but anyway, time to start my day!!!
 

Johncane

Member
Keep going man. Don't stop. No going back please. Goning back will only give you regrets and shame. And thats just an empty dopamine hits you are trying to reach . Nothing there . You will not reach any satisfaction .not at all. Just keep going and avoid above mentioned behaviour.keep going I'm with you
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Great work, Trisquel. I'll give the same advice I give everyone on this forum: it's very important that you crush the addiction now while you're young. Otherwise, it's going to be a negative and destructive thing in your life for decades. And as you have already figured out, limiting your time online will really help. Do whatever you can to mess up the trail of breadcrumbs that leads you back to porn!
 
Hey man. Stay strong! The first week is a tough one. The phone is definitely a little devil. We're fighting a tough battle against social media! Good to try and stay away. Turn it off an hour before you go to bed, and find other, screen-free activities :)
 
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