A Long time due battle that I need to stop ignoring

Trisquel

Active Member
Hi!

Yesterday I forgot to post, but that's because I was busy and spending a lot of time outside of my home.
Still, it helps me to write at least a few lines, I will try to post here dialy just to keep acountable.

I had quite some urges yesterday. I was also very nervous and all over the place. Uneasy and irritable, with a very overexcited brain. I guess that's my abstinence syndrom, or at least the downfall after the high of relapsing.
Good things are that today I feel a lot better, my mind is a lot clearer. I will go to the gym after this and then I'll meet with a friend to read (she has to study, and I have some books on my list).
I'm happy I could handle the abstinence syndroms. going outside my house and meeting people or going to the gym is what worked for me.

In case I have some urges today, I have my protocol:

-Stay away from my phone and computer for 5 min.
-take a couple of deep breaths
- ask myself what I'm doing and how I'm dealing with the urges.
-if I'm alone, go outside my house (to the park, to do groceries, to a gym, to the cinema, to visit a friend, to a cafe, wherever)
-if I cannot go out, call my family or friends, try to be in company.

I also wanted a moment to write about the positive changes that are happening in my life, since I've been only writting about the negative stuff lately.
I have been eating a lot better and I have gave up a lot of cumpulsiveness in eating. I still struggle, but there is progress. The same thing goes with my phone. I have been managging to reduce use of it over time, and although I still struggle with it, there is progress. I feel more in control, and is becoming easier and easier to say no to crolling down on youtube and impulsive stuff like that. I'm begining to realize the harmful effect it has in my life and I'm getting better at choosing something different.

Regarding my depression, sometime it hits me hard, but I'm handeling it in a very different way as I used to. Now I try more to accept my situation and to cope with it in the best way I can. This new attitude has helped me a lot trhough these months, and although it is never easy, I feel better. I'm improving and is becoming easier and easier. It feels like I'm finnally leaving things behind, even if there is still a long way to go. Not to say everything is colour pink, sometimes it's just crap, not gonna lie, haha.

Also I feel better. Like, I feel I'm more free emotionally, I can feel my emotions and express myself more easily. It's like things are becoming more and more clear in me. I feel like I can connect/relate better with people. Is not always like this, again, but there's improvement. I can only hope that this tendency continues into the future. This last year has been very extrange for me, there has been a lot of changes in my life. it feels like positive changes are happening very slowly but steadily, and I cannot wait for all the good things to come.



But, let's commit to another day of no P. All the positive changes are because I fight every day against my addiction and I commit every single day to make thiings better for me.
No P, no subtitues, and no fantasies. I will use my "protocol" if I have urges, and I will be speaically careful when going to sleep and waking up next morning.
I could relapse anymoment, that's why it's important for me to make this commitment every single day.

See you tomorrow guys!
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Hi guys.

Great post. It's important to be grateful for the improvements that are happening. Shifts your neurochemistry for the better too!
Thank you, Androg! You are completly right, recovering is not only about going trhough the hell of abstinence, but also about discovering how colorful likfe can be without P or any other subtitutes!

I'm having big urges right now. I really want to relaaaapseeeee Fuck!
But anyway, I know that I don't have to, even if I feel like it. What's more, I know I really don't want to and I want to beat this addiction very bad, even if I'm feeling the opposite right now.
Funny how impulses and feelings work.

So, after writing this I'm going to the library to study Dutch and to read books that are on my waiting list. On the evening I'll go to the birthday party of a friend. Staying away from home really helps.

Another day of no P, no subtitutes and no fantasies. No playing with my dick, no touching it unless for when in the toilet. The furhter I stay from this behaviours, the better I feel, as I have cheked a lot of times already.

I will commit to my plan for when having urges, which has been working so far:

-Stay away from my phone and computer for 5 min.
-take a couple of deep breaths
- ask myself what I'm doing and how I'm dealing with the urges.
-if I'm alone, go outside my house (to the park, to do groceries, to a gym, to the cinema, to visit a friend, to a cafe, wherever)
-if I cannot go out, call my family or friends, try to be in company.

Just another day at this fight!

See you tomorrow guys.
 

TypeN

Active Member
You can do it man -- thinking of you and I hope your evening has gone well.

Maybe it can help you to reframe how you view the urges, as a force acting upon you rather than what you yourself want. You've got a lot going on, and you struggle with depression ad anxiety too. Those forces, in addition to addiction, are making you feel the way you do (I know you know all this, but personally I can use the reminder sometimes!).
 

Trisquel

Active Member
You can do it man -- thinking of you and I hope your evening has gone well.

Maybe it can help you to reframe how you view the urges, as a force acting upon you rather than what you yourself want. You've got a lot going on, and you struggle with depression ad anxiety too. Those forces, in addition to addiction, are making you feel the way you do (I know you know all this, but personally I can use the reminder sometimes!).
Thanks for the reminder, TypeN!

I commit today to a day of no P, no subtitues and no fantasies. Doing everything I can to get away from my addiction.

Tbh this morning I did M to some fantasies. Yesterday it was the birthday party of a friend and I woke up with some hangover. I think that's maybe why I didn't say no to it, but I know I have no excuse. O need to do everything in my power to send this addiction away, and discipline and abstinence is part of the deal.

Also, I was very attracted a girl met at the party. I guess that's a good thing, but I don't know very well how to manage it. Maybe is the same compulsiveness of my addiction redirecting somewhere else, I'm afraid it may not be healthy or that it is harmful. How do I tell a "natural" impulse apart from a "compulsive, addiction-driven" impulse?

Today my day was not very bad. I'm committing to not using my phone or my computer, and although I don't completely succeed, I'm reducing the time spent there.

I was feeling very low today, but I tried to make an exercise of acceptance. Judt letting myself feel what I was feeling, holding it instead of running away from it.
Now I feel in a better mood, I'm excited about planning my moving to the new house. I'm also going to have a week of rest, and I'll try to plan some nice activities and plans for it.

Ser you tomorrow guys.
No P today, or never! Fuck this addiction man!
 

TypeN

Active Member
Good attitude my friend. It’s a little slip by your standards, but you handled it well.

Regarding the girl you met, I think the attraction itself is totally normal. But maybe one way to shift your thinking about it (something I need to work on myself), is to remind yourself that you don’t need to do anything about your attraction; only what comes naturally. I think for me at least porn has wired in this pattern of, experience attraction => seek release, a deep psychological drive to do something about sexual stimuli.

Personally it’s easy for me to project that same impulse to do something onto real women I meet (I need to impress her, I need to make her feel a certain way, I really want her to like me, I really want to sleep with her … etc., etc.). I think that feeling of heavy craving might be the compulsive part to focus on moderating. And maybe also any objectification, if you have difficulty controlling that. Then perhaps the rest you can just enjoy.

Of course I am speculating, you know yourself better than I. Just something to think about. Good luck today!
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Hi!

Nothing new today. I had some urges and withdrawal symptoms (irritability, nervousness and agitation), but I could manage them, went to the gym and after that to the park, where I took a nap. After that I felt so much better, is crazy.

Today I commit to another day of no P, no subtitues and no fantasies!
I want to get rid of my addiction as soon as possible, too much time wasted om this crap.

I'm going to start counting playing with my dick as a substitute, as it makes things a lot more difficult. I'm only going to touch it when peeing.

I'm trying to cut on computer and phone use as well, and is beeing pretty difficult, but is getting better.

I have my plan if I need to face big urges, so far it has been working very well:

-Stay away from my phone and computer for 5 min.
-take a couple of deep breaths
- ask myself what I'm doing and how I'm dealing with the urges.
-if I'm alone, go outside my house (to the park, to do groceries, to a gym, to the cinema, to visit a friend, to a cafe, wherever)
-if I cannot go out, call my family or friends, try to be in company.

This protocol helped me to move away from my computer today!

See you tomorrow guys, cheers!

PD: one week of no PMO
 
Last edited:

Trisquel

Active Member
Hi!

Pretty bad night and morning. I M to some fantasies. I'm feeling depressed and lonely. The perspective of moving to another city again (I have done it 4 different times in less than two years) is really pulling me down. I know that in the long term is going to he good, but right now I feel weak and I don't know if I can do it all over again. I feel tired...

But anyway, I know I have felt like these before and this too shall pass. It is not an excuse to get me off track from this reboot. I will try to reach out to a friend, and continue with my life. This morning was not very good, bur that doesn't mean the rest of the day is going to be like thar, or that I have to engage myself in addictive behaviours to cope with my feelings/situation.

I commit to one day of no P, no fantasies and no subtitues.
The subtitues include touching my dick unless for peeing.

I have my plan for when having big urges, which has worked quite well so far:

-Stay away from my phone and computer for 5 min.
-take a couple of deep breaths
- ask myself what I'm doing and how I'm dealing with the urges.
-if I'm alone, go outside my house (to the park, to do groceries, to a gym, to the cinema, to visit a friend, to a cafe, wherever)
-if I cannot go out, call my family or friends, try to be in company.


I know right now I don't feel very good, but I have feel this before. This time is not so big as it used to be years ago , and I have learnt how to handle it in such a better way. There is an improvement. And we are keeping moving forward in the same direction.

See you tomorrow guys.
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Hope you are able to feel better today Trisquel. Those are tough feelings you're dealing with about making a new start, but I admire your constructive mindset.

Good luck with the rest of your day. 🙏
Thank you!

I made it through the day. Not the best, but not the worst. I had some problems with eating too much, but nothing worse.

I managed to relax a little reading and listening to music. I'm also going to see some friends tomorrow. I'm planning a goodbye party with my friends in this city next week. Also, I'm reaching out to my family and telling them how I feel.

See you tomorrow guys
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Hi guys.

I got up a bit depressed and cynical. You know, that feeling when you are not giving a fuck about the world or yourself.

But in the end I went to meet some friends and we had quite a nice time. It was a good day.

I compromise to a P-free day night and morning. I'll be specially careful when going to bed and when waking up.
No P, no subtitues and no fantasies.

I have my plan in case I'm having big urges:


-Stay away from my phone and computer for 5 min.
-take a couple of deep breaths
- ask myself what I'm doing and how I'm dealing with the urges.
-if I'm alone, go outside my house (to the park, to do groceries, to a gym, to the cinema, to visit a friend, to a cafe, wherever)
-if I cannot go out, call my family or friends, try to be in company.


I'll put more care on letting go of my phone. I'm building small habits (not using my phone before breakfast, charging it in a different table at night, not taking it with me in the mornings) that are helping me reduce the time I spend on it.
The less I use my phone the better quality of life I have, I have realized. I can put my attention in more meaningful things.

See you tomorrow guys!
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Hi!

Today bussness as usual. No P, no subtitutes, no fantasies, or touching my dick unless peeing.
I have to be more strict eith the fantasies, yesterday I was engaging in them too much and I ended M to it. I know this is leading me nowehere and is one of the behaviours I'm trying to cut down. So, let's remind ourselves of that and cut it off.

Is also important to cut down on social media and build healthier habits regarding food. I'm working on that and making some good progress. I feel it helps a lot with my reboot.

Now I'm heading out of my house and I'm going to be out all day long. It should be an easy day.
See you tomorrow guys!
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Hi!

Today bussness as usual. No P, no subtitutes, no fantasies, or touching my dick unless peeing.
I have to be more strict eith the fantasies, yesterday I was engaging in them too much and I ended M to it. I know this is leading me nowehere and is one of the behaviours I'm trying to cut down. So, let's remind ourselves of that and cut it off.

Is also important to cut down on social media and build healthier habits regarding food. I'm working on that and making some good progress. I feel it helps a lot with my reboot.

Now I'm heading out of my house and I'm going to be out all day long. It should be an easy day.
See you tomorrow guys!
Fantasies definitely don’t help. It’s like staring at delicious desserts when you’re trying to diet.😁
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Fantasies definitely don’t help. It’s like staring at delicious desserts when you’re trying to diet.😁
Indeed!
I heard someone saying that you can't let go of something while still doing it. He meant that you can't quit smoking while still saying things like "oh, only one small drag and that's it", but it applies to fantasies and P very well.

Gotta cut 'em off!
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Hi guys!

This night and morning are being very difficult. Lots of fantasies and very big urges. I have been M and now I'm very triggered. I know is my fault for allowing myself these behaviours, these id what I get.

Now, let's break the circle and get out of here. I'm gonna get some breakfast and then go to the library to study a little bit. The rest of the day I'm going to spend outside and with friends, so we should be able to manage that.

Let's put to practice the plan!

-Stay away from my phone and computer for 5 min.
-take a couple of deep breaths
- ask myself what I'm doing and how I'm dealing with the urges.
-if I'm alone, go outside my house (to the park, to do groceries, to a gym, to the cinema, to visit a friend, to a cafe, wherever)
-if I cannot go out, call my family or friends, try to be in company.


No P, no subtitues, and specially, no more fucking fantasies.

I need to realize, they are part of my addiction and judt another substitute, is unhealthy and I need to stop them, they sre pulling me back, is not tolerable I engage in them.

Also, no playing with my dick, only touching it when going to the toilet.

Okay guys, let's fucking do this!!!!!!
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Heey, midday update.
Going through some big urges. I feel uneasy and agitated. I know that in this state is very easy for me to relapse.

But I also know what this is and I know I can go through this. I know that this urges are delusional, a lie, that all I want to do is to quit my addiction, and that I will hate myself if I relapse. I don't want to relapse, I really don't, I want to live without this crap.

Soon I will meet some friends to watch a movie together.

See you soon
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Hi Guys.

Today I commit to another day of no P, no subtitues and no fantasies.
I will specially carefull with the fantasies. Also, no touching my dick unless peeing.

Bussness as usual. Yesterday was a liitle bit of a hell, but today I already feel much better. If I commit to my reboot, positive changes come.
I'm also beeing carefull with phone use and I'm trying to eat better, which is part of the deal for me. Is not going great, but getting better.
I think is always important to rewire to real life. Going to the gym, reading, spending time with friends, working on my projects help me do all of that.

My plan for when having huge urges:

-Stay away from my phone and computer for 5 min.
-take a couple of deep breaths
- ask myself what I'm doing and how I'm dealing with the urges.
-if I'm alone, go outside my house (to the park, to do groceries, to a gym, to the cinema, to visit a friend, to a cafe, wherever)
-if I cannot go out, call my family or friends, try to be in company.

And remember, I can say no to fantasies and after a couple of times it becomes so much easier. The further I stay away from them the better. The same thing goes for the phone.


Sorry if I sound repetitive, I write these things mostly to remind myslef.

See you tommorrow guys.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Sorry to hear that you have been struggling, @Trisquel. I think you have the exact right idea actually, with repeating these plans/principles here. Sort of like a mantra, I bet it is helping you wire your mindset for when the urges arise.

You're taking constructive steps everyday, and that's what counts. Like you told me, it's the right thing to do, even if you don't feel great in the moment. Hope you've felt ok today.
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Hi guys.

Today I had some urges and I felt very uneasy. I think us withdrawal symptoms or something. I felt like eating a lot, using my phone a lot and like relapsing.

But good news, I didn't do neither of those things. I did used my phone a little bit, and I moderated how much I was eating. And I managed to stay away from P.

I managed to get through the day, and now I'm having a goodbye drink with my friends (I'm moving out from this city in two days).

So, I commit to another day P free. No P, no subtitues, and no fantasies.

I will be extra careful when going to sleep and when waking up.

Just another day at this flight.
It becomes easier and easier every day, I just have to keep going like this.

See you tomorrow guys!
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Hi guys!

It's two weeks of reboot so far.

Today I moved to my new house. A lot of work to be done here. A new chapter begings!

These last days have been very nice. I was a lot with my friends. I took some time for myself and I was busy with the moving over.
I think I had a couple of urges, but I managed them well and weren't really a bother.

I commit to a P free day tomorrow. No P, no subtitues, no fantasies. Specially no fantasies when waking up or when going to sleep.

I have my plan for when I have urges:

-Stay away from my phone and computer for 5 min.
-take a couple of deep breaths
- ask myself what I'm doing and how I'm dealing with the urges.
-if I'm alone, go outside my house (to the park, to do groceries, to a gym, to the cinema, to visit a friend, to a cafe, wherever)
-if I cannot go out, call my family or friends, try to be in company.

That's all for today.
I will post here dialy to check in and keep accountable.

See you!
 
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