Here we go again


(Edit : removed the excessive blabber) Day 41. Temptation is nigh. I'm still very much obsessed. Must continue walking down the path of abstinence - and I will! 🔥 I made it quite far already, and I will not break this streak for a brief moment of... distraction. 🤝
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Active Member
Welcome back @how-did-i-end-up-here, I think we all ask ourselves the same question, I know I do, how did I end up here🤔🤔🤔
Congratulations on your recent streak, I’m hoping you can make it to your #1 longest. My man (ex) just relapsed at Day 43, so I know it can happen pretty easily if you take your eye off the ball, or in his case get too cocky about finding it easy…… famous last words!

Good luck on your journey😊


Thanks for the encouragement, @Beautiful1973 - that was nice to read! :) Ok so here I dive back into the book, opening an empty page with much to say... what shall I choose? :unsure: today is a strong symbolic day, for it is now Day 45 of abstinence for me, or half the duration of the traditional 90-days reboot from porn...

Hell! that is something! i-finally-made-it-here... and now I wish to reflect on my journey so far, which has certainly been full of challenges, like the last 2-3 weeks which were greyer, but also full of quite spectacular, positive happenings and changes... I'll begin by writing a bit about the positive, yes... !

Positive things about my first 45 days

  • First of all! GYM! Now this is quite revolutionary for me, but after about 10 days of going Monk Mode, I decided - and was able! - to increase my physical activity habits by a lot! While I had been going to the gym a mere 2-3 times a week over the last 2 months, cardio being quite limited (usually not exceeding 15 minutes), I embraced a new routine... so, for the last 5 weeks, I have been going 4-5 times a week, weight training every 2 days, and cardio every single day from Monday through Friday. Annnd, to my surprise, I unlocked what it took for me to embrace new goals for cardio training... I am now going between 15 minutes and 30 minutes, and both in my weight training and in my cardio efforts, I have been having a certain unusual strength and vitality to up my charges, also increasing my number of sets from 2 to 3, with heavier weights, and progress has been good! I say "unusual strength and vitality", because I sure noticed a monumental difference in my energy levels and what is possible for me between my fapping-and-porn days and my now abstinent streak. Also, I believe that embracing this change and training a lot more - more often and more intensely, has made my abstinence a lot easier and more feasible than if I hadn't started exercising this way. In fact, it goes both ways :

  • Abstinence made it possible for me to exercise more vigorously and frequently
  • Exercising more made it (more) possible for me to abstain from porn and from masturbation
Now, this is a significative discovery for me! that I wish to celebrate in this book. I have been trying to quit my old habits of fapping and porn for many years now! I think it's been a 5-year on-and-off process for me. And, if I am not mistaken, I am now 1 day farther down the road of abstinence than my previous record! So yeah, just saying, @Beautiful1973 , your kind hopeful words wishing me to make it to my #1 longest streak yet... they turned to reality! (and also, best success to the one you call "your man", and to every guy who's serious enough to commit to this major lifestyle change... we got this, gentlemen! 🎩)
  • 2nd positive point... it concerns many of my physical and mental capacities, whose operating levels have seemingly been unlocked and increased, especially during Weeks 2 through 4. During these two-three weeks, I was waking up feeling a little more energized, with a mind a little more clear, with an improved mood, and it all culminated on a certain Monday, on which I truly had a great day - I felt quite alive! I was more functional (less paralyzed and shackled), and oh dear was it nice to feel this way for once...
(a little background, simplified version 😅) : I have been profoundly depressed for years, and it seems like I'd lost all my abilities, capacities, possibilities... just to illustrate a little bit better, my (fantastic 😏) humor came back, along with a notoriously good mood that I had honestly forgotten about, accompanied by creativity, vivacity, and... and yes! Another major point comes to mind :

  • 3rd. WAY LESS PROCRASTINATION!! Alright, the last 2-3 weeks have been wayyy harder, and I'm kinda praying for the good energy and all the goodies I mentioned up here to come back ASAP! but even in this retrograde phase, I find myself simply more able to do stuff. As a result, I have been feeling more organized... and capable. I am more conscious, more aware, with definitely more drive, even on these off days.

Finally, I just want to write down this very important fact for me : I have virtually not laid down in bed during the day for the last few weeks. At the beginning of my streak, I had been going to bed for hours each day for the last few months... (I was wayyy too tired ; no energy, no vivacity, and I just couldn't do shit. Whatsoever. I was paralyzed.)

I am less paralyzed now. But my italics font is definitely now paralyzed, stuck in EVERYTHING-FROM-HERE-SHALL-BE-ITALICS-NAOW carnage mode, and I am also definitely fine with that, and I have absolutely no desire to debug this strange behavior from this text editor right now. Oh - and one last positive aspect of my reboot! : I have been becoming less and less impulsive. I know of a time where I felt compelled to do anything that pops up, before even analyzing the whole situation.

So yes. I'll leave it at that. Goodbye friend!


Day 56! I've been feeling so special lately... truly feels like I'm exiting a "fixed" and "restrained" dimension/mindset/reality and gradually fusing in and blending in with a new, definitely "expanding" one. A new gaze, a new me, a new world!!?

I used (and I still am, but it's changing) to function within a very limited point of view, often associating the first answer that comes to my mind as "THE" definite (and complete) answer for a given question. I mean that my view and understanding of the world, its events and its inhabitants, was actually shallow and truly excessively incomplete. Over the course of the last few weeks of abstinence, my thought process has been definitely maturing and evolving.

Out with the blindfolded precipitated impulses,

in with the actual recognition of what is there and pertaining to the current query.

(Ok, I realize that my words may appear not-that-clear for other readers than me. I think that giving some concrete examples of before/after should help to understand what I'm sharing)

*** ... ... ***

Welp, I've been patiently reflecting on the best example to give to begin with. Then, it dawned on me! Clearly, this example demonstrates a maturing in my attitude and in my thought process :

Before: Ok so while I was reflecting on finding a concrete example to demonstrate my evolution, I had this very thought : to abandon the project. To cancel the plan to find a good example. To postpone or simply drop the efforts. And this, my friends, this is "Before" behavior, 100%. This is the kind of self-bullying loser behavior that used to be prevalent in my life.

Now, I've been noticing that, while I can still spot these old habits daring to show up their nose in my thought process, I can now see and identify what's going on, and find a workaround that is actually helpful for me instead of sabotaging myself yet another time.

After: Nowadays, I'm pushing through, yes pushing through the initial discomfort and inertia and I just simply freaking get moving. As a result, I get much more done, and sooner/faster, while my chronic procrastinator self is getting less and less heavy. It is getting less heavy, and I am getting stronger. Naturally, life is thus getting more and more easy. Now of course I still have difficulties and I keep encountering hardships, but... it just all seems less and less discouraging now, for I'm getting better and better at looking differently, and now finding realistic, practical solutions! Go me, man. Go me. 🔥

Also, I've been cultivating my self-esteem and I've been building upon my vision of self-worth by having this daily pep talk that looks a bit like this (and I sometimes interchange the "I" for "You", depending on whether I see myself at the 1st person or if I receive from a 3rd person view) :

"I'm cool. I'm hot. I'm good, I'm strong, I'm nice. I'm intelligent! I'm strong, I. Am. Powerful., I sincerely care. I'm funny 😊"

Now this is the empowering part of these affirmations. I then follow with these other affirmations in order to ground the whole thing down :

"I breathe. (I take 1 or 2 deeply conscious breaths) I am safe. I am secure. I am resourceful, ingenious and I will always find the way."

Oh, and I was about to forget, but...

"I profoundly love myself." (proceed to smile and feel)

Naturally, I have been finding myself more and more empowered, resourceful, creative, energetic and solid. And I keep feeding this inner flame, stoking the embers of constructive, valued self-appreciation.

As a side effect, it appears that I have been turning less and less needy, for I can see a link with my strengthening resolve to sustain a powerful vision of my own self. Thanks to that, I can now rely more on myself so I don't desperately depend on other's immediate presence in my field. I am glad to affirm that I have been sincerely enjoying my own presence more and more.

I am also waayyy less salty & easily offended these days. I'll come back to this.

Finally, for now : humility. Yesterday, I had so much energy that I went for a 30-min walk in the brisk air past midnight. And it was a very special, powerful experience for me. I felt a lot during this walk, and I felt profoundly humbly privileged to be here, walking among the few falling snowflakes, my beloved music blasting in my amazing wireless headphones, through these streets and avenues that I love, breathing the very fresh air, with the freedom to do so... after midnight, no one to tell me not to do it or to judge my choice, just at peace with my moment and my self. It was a profoundly moving experience. I had to take my sleeping meds around 1 am this night, for I knew I had so much presence and energy that I wouldn't have been feeling for sleeping for another couple of hours still. Hell. For a guy who's suffered through years of chronic fatigue, even going regularly going to bed at 9 PM not-that-long-ago, this is a pretty major breakthrough! Yes. Let's keep walking.

- H


(Update) I simply wanted to mention that I just edited the first entry of this journal, cutting the excessive, really quite useless blabber and summing it all up with a few simple words. I want my journal to be nice to read and inspiring, not start off with panicky howling at my own fears! Nevertheless, I think that my other entries are a good read, and I think that my own progress has been quite spectacular. There's a lot going on for me, and I still have much to say. Looking forward to write some more.

- H


Day 62. How do I feel? Well, in all truth, I feel... ouch. I'm hurting. It's not easy. I did read about other rebooters' crazy ups and downs along the journey, and hell do I now understand what I read. This last week was... last week was hell. Brain fog has been back, along with the traditional lethargy, fatigue, and plain lifeless apathy. Yes, reader : this state of being, this state of mind, it SUCKS. Big time. It is precisely a major reason why I began my whole process of abstinence, to begin with. I want to get rid of it - and my desire to make it disappear is so strong! I know this state all too well...

Interesting fact : I've been back in this challenging reality that I just described for about a week, and the very night before I took a major dive down to this current state, I had a most energetic, profoundly grateful and appreciative midnight walk (see last paragraph of post #5), which would be impossible in the much dreaded state that I'm in. Looking back, I am much perplexed as to how dramatically steep can be the slope between one day/streak's positively charged state and the very next day's descent to the swamps of misery. The ups and downs and real.

Now, I need to address a very important point that differentiates my current attitude towards such a phase with how I used to react :

Definitely, I have developed some strength of will, some form of resilience to resist to the violent currents encountered along the journey, for I realize that, even in the face of such strong adversity... suicide is not an option. Yes, I have thought of it, like I'm used to. But I have been keeping rejecting a more serious consideration of this option at all. Inside me burns a frustrated force, an angry flame that wants to push through all this shit and emerge victorious. This is a significant change with past-me's stance, who had a tendency to quickly lose all will to live and then succumb to the overwhelming pressure of despair, enough to seriously consider suicide to escape the... outnumbering negatives of life, so to speak.

I am stronger now. Even though I can more hardly feel it at the moment, I know that I have been cultivating a strong will to live, to emerge out of my difficulties - yes, out of these shackles that have been hindering my progress and delaying my sincere enjoyment of myself and life altogether.

I am. Stronger.