Been trying to quit for 13 years. But never tried this. Maybe this is the answer.

I started looking at porn when I was 9 or 10 I think. But it wasn't until 2009 when I was 23 that I fist realized it was an issue and started trying to quit. I didn't even know about porn addiction yet I just knew I was spending way too much time doing it and getting into weird territory. Then I was on an Omegle text chat and a guy posted the link for YourBrainOnPorn and it blew my mind. All the symptoms of porn addiction were things I had experienced most of my life. I had Social Anxiety Disorder pretty bad that ruined my whole life so I lost all friends by high school and didn't have a girlfriend until I was 24 (online long distance as all my relationships have been or started as), general anxiety, panic attacks, dulled emotions, depression, derealization, depersonalization, OCD, and loads more. Plus delayed ejaculation (though I didn't quite realize how bad until I finally met a girlfriend in person when I was 27).
My worst times looking at porn were probably in college, especially when I had my own apartment. I remember a few times looking at porn from like 8pm all night until I left to go to an 8am class without sleeping. I was edging though sometimes when I look at porn I won't even be doing that, my dick will just be soft and I'm not even doing anything with it, just looking at porn. Until the end of course.
Like other porn addicts I also progressed from vanilla to everything under the sun. I've seen some weird and wild shit (sometimes literally), like most I'm sure. It led me to question my sexuality. I still wonder if I might be bisexual and have considered trying something with a guy or trans woman. But then I wonder if it's just the porn addiction.
I've never been able to orgasm from PIV sex or oral or anything besides my own masturbation. Death grip and not using any lubricant to masturbate played their part there I'm sure. Plus masturbating by sliding the skin under my head up and down (I'm circumcised but still have a bit) instead of going over the head. So sex just feels alien and odd. Good in a way but my body just feels confused. It's like my brain can't connect it to orgasm.
I used to write down the date in an email to myself whenever I relapsed. But seeing all those dates in my emails was depressing and I found counting days to be counterproductive. It would make me think about porn too much. And also get those manipulative thoughts like "It's only been a day or 2 since I relapsed so I could do it again and it wouldn't be a big deal." I stopped counting and it's better.
I tried using pornblockers. I had the k9 thing, tried others, had an add-on that rerouted porn sites to another site like YourBrainOnPorn. I even had a internet monitor that a girlfriend monitored for me. I had the password for k9 as a long string of random numbers and letters. I put that in an email in a long list of other random letters/numbers. I put the password to that email address as another long word/number thing and put that in a long list of similar word/number things in a notepad document. I would still go through each one until I found it and then the same in the email. I put the password on a strip of paper, ripped int into 4 pieces and put each uner the leg of a very heavy piece of furniture. I would still get them. And later I figured out how to just disable it. If anything the blockers made it worse because beating them became part of the thrill of it all. The chase. I felt crazy and absurd going around porn blockers I put up myself.
The longest I've even gone without was a few months when living with an ex-girlfriend. We had sex a lot and after she finished I would finish myself off. So I guess I was getting enough sexual release and connection not to need porn. And I didn't have my own computer there either. It was a very tough breakup which led me back to porn. These days I go 4-7 days between porn sessions. Whenever I feel like I'm finally getting to a good place with my addiction I guess I let my guard down and relapse. I've been trying to notice triggers more but sometimes they come out of nowhere and I don't realize until later that it's a trigger.
I started to get really serious about it back in 2018 when I tried to find a therapist that was an addiction specialist. I also was experiencing general anxiety that was pretty bad with panic attacks (thankfully I had already overcome my social anxiety by then). I found a few and asked them questions and finally narrowed to 2 that I tried. I ended up going with a woman who was an actual addiction counselor. She said a lot of stuff that was from A.A. "Willpower vs. Willingness" (Willingness to change your life), "H.A.L.T." (Are you actually Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Deal with these first and see if you still have porn desire). Some of these things were helpful but most weren't. Eventually I stopped going to her because it wasn't helping and she seemed not as interested in me. In 2019 I started going to the other therapist I had tried and I have been with him ever since. We have a good connection and he has helped me a lot with so much. I don't experience anxiety anymore. It's amazing. But the addiction is still a struggle that we're trying to work on.
I really hate porn. So much. So much that sometimes I almost just hate the idea of sex altogether. I feel pathetic and crazy that when I get an urge to look at porn I can't control my own body. I can have all the logic and plans and wherewithal I can but the instant I decide to look at porn because of some trigger it just goes away. When I look at porn I just am completely gone. My mind is blank. I recently almost became aware enough to try to talk to myself but my inner voice sounded so far away and muted. Sometimes I'll have to stop to go to the bathroom or something. I try to tell myself then that I don't have to go back to it. Maybe I can just masturbate there in the bathroom so I won't want to look at porn after I come out. But I don't. I just go back to it.
I just want to be in control of my own body, self, and life. I hate being out of control. Which is also why I have never had alcohol, tobacco, or drugs. I just want to be me again, like I was before porn addiction. Which I guess was when I was a kid. I want to be free again.
All these years I never tried a porn addiction forum like this. I guess part of me didn't want to put all this out there and admit I'm an addict this way. Maybe part of me thinks it will work and doesn't want to quit. I hope it does work. This is day 1. Not that I'm counting. ;p
 
Last night I was on Reddit and on my feed was a post from TodayIWore. It has different interesting outfits people wear. A girl was showing her outfit but was standing with her foot up on a chair in a very provocative pose as she was wearing a short skirt. But she had a scarf hanging down covering her crotch. Either way she way pretty enough and the pose got my attention so I checked her profile and it she is really into S&M and it's all OnlyFans stuff. I have it set so NSFW stuff is blurred unless I click it. I did click a bunch and thankfully she must save her truly sexual photos for her OF. But she had a few boob pics. Luckily I didn't succumb and masturbate but this is the kind of thing I really need to avoid. I don't know why I ever click a girl's profile on Reddit. It's always to see if she has nude pics. So I guess I do know why I do it, ha. But I need to avoid these triggers in future.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Hi and welcome to the forum @Brianstorm
It looks like you’ve tried quite a few techniques…..
I wonder if you’ve tried to educate yourself on the unseen side of porn, sex trafficking, sexual exploitation, violence….. I’m not an addict, I’m a partner (ex), but I can never go back to watching porn after all the research I’ve done on the subject. Fight the New Drug podcast have some great info and stories.
 
@Beautiful1973 Thank you. No I haven't much. Most of the porn I watch is amateur home-made stuff. I know the porn industry can be exploitative but from what I've seen many porn stars choose it and get offended when people suggest sex work is something they were forced into or that they must have childhood trauma. But certainly that is true for some.
 

STST

Member
I started looking at porn when I was 9 or 10 I think. But it wasn't until 2009 when I was 23 that I fist realized it was an issue and started trying to quit. I didn't even know about porn addiction yet I just knew I was spending way too much time doing it and getting into weird territory. Then I was on an Omegle text chat and a guy posted the link for YourBrainOnPorn and it blew my mind. All the symptoms of porn addiction were things I had experienced most of my life. I had Social Anxiety Disorder pretty bad that ruined my whole life so I lost all friends by high school and didn't have a girlfriend until I was 24 (online long distance as all my relationships have been or started as), general anxiety, panic attacks, dulled emotions, depression, derealization, depersonalization, OCD, and loads more. Plus delayed ejaculation (though I didn't quite realize how bad until I finally met a girlfriend in person when I was 27).
My worst times looking at porn were probably in college, especially when I had my own apartment. I remember a few times looking at porn from like 8pm all night until I left to go to an 8am class without sleeping. I was edging though sometimes when I look at porn I won't even be doing that, my dick will just be soft and I'm not even doing anything with it, just looking at porn. Until the end of course.
Like other porn addicts I also progressed from vanilla to everything under the sun. I've seen some weird and wild shit (sometimes literally), like most I'm sure. It led me to question my sexuality. I still wonder if I might be bisexual and have considered trying something with a guy or trans woman. But then I wonder if it's just the porn addiction.
I've never been able to orgasm from PIV sex or oral or anything besides my own masturbation. Death grip and not using any lubricant to masturbate played their part there I'm sure. Plus masturbating by sliding the skin under my head up and down (I'm circumcised but still have a bit) instead of going over the head. So sex just feels alien and odd. Good in a way but my body just feels confused. It's like my brain can't connect it to orgasm.
I used to write down the date in an email to myself whenever I relapsed. But seeing all those dates in my emails was depressing and I found counting days to be counterproductive. It would make me think about porn too much. And also get those manipulative thoughts like "It's only been a day or 2 since I relapsed so I could do it again and it wouldn't be a big deal." I stopped counting and it's better.
I tried using pornblockers. I had the k9 thing, tried others, had an add-on that rerouted porn sites to another site like YourBrainOnPorn. I even had a internet monitor that a girlfriend monitored for me. I had the password for k9 as a long string of random numbers and letters. I put that in an email in a long list of other random letters/numbers. I put the password to that email address as another long word/number thing and put that in a long list of similar word/number things in a notepad document. I would still go through each one until I found it and then the same in the email. I put the password on a strip of paper, ripped int into 4 pieces and put each uner the leg of a very heavy piece of furniture. I would still get them. And later I figured out how to just disable it. If anything the blockers made it worse because beating them became part of the thrill of it all. The chase. I felt crazy and absurd going around porn blockers I put up myself.
The longest I've even gone without was a few months when living with an ex-girlfriend. We had sex a lot and after she finished I would finish myself off. So I guess I was getting enough sexual release and connection not to need porn. And I didn't have my own computer there either. It was a very tough breakup which led me back to porn. These days I go 4-7 days between porn sessions. Whenever I feel like I'm finally getting to a good place with my addiction I guess I let my guard down and relapse. I've been trying to notice triggers more but sometimes they come out of nowhere and I don't realize until later that it's a trigger.
I started to get really serious about it back in 2018 when I tried to find a therapist that was an addiction specialist. I also was experiencing general anxiety that was pretty bad with panic attacks (thankfully I had already overcome my social anxiety by then). I found a few and asked them questions and finally narrowed to 2 that I tried. I ended up going with a woman who was an actual addiction counselor. She said a lot of stuff that was from A.A. "Willpower vs. Willingness" (Willingness to change your life), "H.A.L.T." (Are you actually Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Deal with these first and see if you still have porn desire). Some of these things were helpful but most weren't. Eventually I stopped going to her because it wasn't helping and she seemed not as interested in me. In 2019 I started going to the other therapist I had tried and I have been with him ever since. We have a good connection and he has helped me a lot with so much. I don't experience anxiety anymore. It's amazing. But the addiction is still a struggle that we're trying to work on.
I really hate porn. So much. So much that sometimes I almost just hate the idea of sex altogether. I feel pathetic and crazy that when I get an urge to look at porn I can't control my own body. I can have all the logic and plans and wherewithal I can but the instant I decide to look at porn because of some trigger it just goes away. When I look at porn I just am completely gone. My mind is blank. I recently almost became aware enough to try to talk to myself but my inner voice sounded so far away and muted. Sometimes I'll have to stop to go to the bathroom or something. I try to tell myself then that I don't have to go back to it. Maybe I can just masturbate there in the bathroom so I won't want to look at porn after I come out. But I don't. I just go back to it.
I just want to be in control of my own body, self, and life. I hate being out of control. Which is also why I have never had alcohol, tobacco, or drugs. I just want to be me again, like I was before porn addiction. Which I guess was when I was a kid. I want to be free again.
All these years I never tried a porn addiction forum like this. I guess part of me didn't want to put all this out there and admit I'm an addict this way. Maybe part of me thinks it will work and doesn't want to quit. I hope it does work. This is day 1. Not that I'm counting. ;p
A lot of the things you said sounded like me 30 days ago.

I was hopeless, what helped me was a series of events unique to me.

All I can say is that you have tried something new to stop (this forum).
So the desire to stop is there.
You have a support system (Therapist) and now you have us.

There's hope bro, there's always hope, don't ever give up.
 
Yes that's really good try and educate yourself on porn and masturbation because you are eventually inviting spirit wife to yourself which is causing the health issues. Once you stop porn and masturbation you will get yourself back but know it's a long and rough road. Not after six months or one year you stopped and not seeing results then you get tired and go back to porn. Give yourself years and the healing will come naturally without you knowing. Like you said forget the whole idea of sex is better. It makes you not to expect result too soon.
 
I was looking at an email (from Entertainment Weekly) and then scrolling down there was an ad for a bra. The woman was attractive, big boobs, and the bra was semitransparent so you could see nipples. So this was a trigger that came out of nowhere. But instead of wanting to look at porn I instantly thought that it was a trigger and I should write about it on here. I'm hoping that will be my reaction from now on to triggers and porn thoughts. To replace PMO with writing on here.

@STST Can I ask what those events were?

@Supreme0147 What is spirit wife?
 

STST

Member
I was looking at an email (from Entertainment Weekly) and then scrolling down there was an ad for a bra. The woman was attractive, big boobs, and the bra was semitransparent so you could see nipples. So this was a trigger that came out of nowhere. But instead of wanting to look at porn I instantly thought that it was a trigger and I should write about it on here. I'm hoping that will be my reaction from now on to triggers and porn thoughts. To replace PMO with writing on here.

@STST Can I ask what those events were?

@Supreme0147 What is spirit wife?
I do the same, when I get flashbacks of previous sexual encounters or pornographic material I come to this forum and catch up on new posts or look at who's replied to my messages. I deleted Twitter and Facebook for personal use because it was full to the brim with triggers. this forum is the only social network (other than WhatsApp/Wechat) that I have.

Those events are what have been happening in my life since I became self-aware since I had dreams and aspirations, and all the successes and tribulations that I went through. the most recent was chest pain and missing work from being drunk, that's when I decided to cut out alcohol and cigarettes, but it's not my first attempt.

I've done 6 months without booze, but that's because I was taken to a psychologist by my employers for alcohol addiction (at the time I didn't think I had a problem) I was also involved in a couple of near-fatal car accidents, saw a few attempted murders (nightlife), assaults, coming to work drunk, being involved with less than desirable partners and friends, having to quit my job, losing a child, wasting money, losing good friends because of my lifestyle... etc.

Yeah, it's a lot... and that's not even half of it :ROFLMAO:
 
I was looking at an email (from Entertainment Weekly) and then scrolling down there was an ad for a bra. The woman was attractive, big boobs, and the bra was semitransparent so you could see nipples. So this was a trigger that came out of nowhere. But instead of wanting to look at porn I instantly thought that it was a trigger and I should write about it on here. I'm hoping that will be my reaction from now on to triggers and porn thoughts. To replace PMO with writing on here.

@STST Can I ask what those events were?

@Supreme0147 What is spirit wife?
You should study more about spirit wife. They walk with you and you are not seeing them. When masturbating you are eventually making love with a spirit, take it leave it. Go search for spirit wife and spirit husband to more about it and how they are connected to masturbation.
 
Hey man, looks like you've done some great work identifying triggers. Congratulations!

I've got some suggestions if you want to take the next step. Start modifying your habits to avoid the risk of encountering triggers.
1. Stay off of Reddit for at least the first 90 days. It's way too easy to come across nudity or suggestive pictures on there.
2. Unsubscribe from the entertainment weekly emails (and any similar ones)
Not only are you taking unnecessary risks but these habits are going to be linked to the conditioning in your brain. When you are regularly engaging in these behaviours you continue to activate the same neural pathways, prolonging recovery. Any time you "accidentally" come across a trigger, cut out the thing you were doing that got you there. Do this until you can achieve 90 days of abstinence, then you can re-evaluate and see what you actually want to keep in your life.

Good luck!
 
I do the same, when I get flashbacks of previous sexual encounters or pornographic material I come to this forum and catch up on new posts or look at who's replied to my messages. I deleted Twitter and Facebook for personal use because it was full to the brim with triggers. this forum is the only social network (other than WhatsApp/Wechat) that I have.

Those events are what have been happening in my life since I became self-aware since I had dreams and aspirations, and all the successes and tribulations that I went through. the most recent was chest pain and missing work from being drunk, that's when I decided to cut out alcohol and cigarettes, but it's not my first attempt.

I've done 6 months without booze, but that's because I was taken to a psychologist by my employers for alcohol addiction (at the time I didn't think I had a problem) I was also involved in a couple of near-fatal car accidents, saw a few attempted murders (nightlife), assaults, coming to work drunk, being involved with less than desirable partners and friends, having to quit my job, losing a child, wasting money, losing good friends because of my lifestyle... etc.

Yeah, it's a lot... and that's not even half of it :ROFLMAO:
That sounds like so much to go through. And you're doing well with porn after that? That's quite amazing, I don't know if I could keep it up.
 
Hey man, looks like you've done some great work identifying triggers. Congratulations!

I've got some suggestions if you want to take the next step. Start modifying your habits to avoid the risk of encountering triggers.
1. Stay off of Reddit for at least the first 90 days. It's way too easy to come across nudity or suggestive pictures on there.
2. Unsubscribe from the entertainment weekly emails (and any similar ones)
Not only are you taking unnecessary risks but these habits are going to be linked to the conditioning in your brain. When you are regularly engaging in these behaviours you continue to activate the same neural pathways, prolonging recovery. Any time you "accidentally" come across a trigger, cut out the thing you were doing that got you there. Do this until you can achieve 90 days of abstinence, then you can re-evaluate and see what you actually want to keep in your life.

Good luck!
Ah yeah I see what you mean. Unfortunately I don't have a job right now and if I didn't have things like Reddit I'd have way too much free time. Which leads top boredom which for me leads to porn. But I try at least to cut out any communities on there with potential triggers or nudity. I may have to do what you say if I can't stop though. Thank you.
 
Unfortunately tonight I just did it. I read a news story that was crazy and hilarious. But at one point it mentioned the guy it was talking about and a guy he was conning had sex. It actual humorous in the context. But maybe that got in my head. I went on here later and on 2 other forums. NoFap has a Panic Button that goes to a screen with different buttons like "Emergency" etc. If you click that it goes to different posts or memes that will help you if you are feeling like relapsing. I clicked out of curiosity and it went to a post about a guy saying when he gets a boner he imagines Starcraft enemies attacking his dick. It's so ridiculous it snaps him out of it. But later I was trying to find a game to play, started one I never played and was looking at keybindings when I got hard. I was rubbing my dick through pants. I stopped myself but kept going back to it. I tried to imagine those minions attacking my dick. But it didn't work. I ended up closing everything, opening Firefox and looking at porn. The only good thing I can say is that I finished in a couple minutes instead of hours and hours of binging. I think next time I need to just go straight to these forums at the first hint I might be in trouble.
 

STST

Member
Unfortunately tonight I just did it. I read a news story that was crazy and hilarious. But at one point it mentioned the guy it was talking about and a guy he was conning had sex. It actual humorous in the context. But maybe that got in my head. I went on here later and on 2 other forums. NoFap has a Panic Button that goes to a screen with different buttons like "Emergency" etc. If you click that it goes to different posts or memes that will help you if you are feeling like relapsing. I clicked out of curiosity and it went to a post about a guy saying when he gets a boner he imagines Starcraft enemies attacking his dick. It's so ridiculous it snaps him out of it. But later I was trying to find a game to play, started one I never played and was looking at keybindings when I got hard. I was rubbing my dick through pants. I stopped myself but kept going back to it. I tried to imagine those minions attacking my dick. But it didn't work. I ended up closing everything, opening Firefox and looking at porn. The only good thing I can say is that I finished in a couple minutes instead of hours and hours of binging. I think next time I need to just go straight to these forums at the first hint I might be in trouble.
The Rebootnation forum is bookmarked, and I never log off, I found that that helps allot.
 
Well I just relapsed again, this time it was for like 4 hours. I'm not sure what brought it on. I was playing a game, Tis-100 which is a coding game, no visuals. But all of the sudden it came out of nowhere. I tried the NoFap Panic Button. I clicked a bunch of times but nothing really helped. It was so strong. I tried to tell myself that, yeah it's strong but I don't have to give in. But ultimately I did.
I see I haven't been on here in almost a week. I didn't realize it was that long. I will come on here more often from now on, ideally every day. To help me remember what I'm trying to accomplish. And I'll write about good things. Not just triggers or relapses.
 
Today was good. No porn or thoughts to do it. Which is good a day after relapsing, didn't feel the chaser. I've been keeping occupied with games and watching a bunch of episodes of a show with my mom. I also took off my hair replacement system and cleaned it, etc. which took some time.
 
Dang. Once again. Was it because I missed one day not being here? I talked about addiction and these forums in therapy today. Maybe that triggered it.
Well, back at it.
 
The last 2 days have been fine. Trying to keep busy. Everyone's sick here and I might be getting it too. I got the flu vaccine yesterday though so maybe it's just that. But as far as porn I'm keeping my nose (dick?) clean.
 
Still going strong, not even an urge. But maybe that's not going strong, maybe getting an urge but choosing not to engage is a better sign. We'll see. I hope this continues. Recently had some amazing personal news and am feeling hopeful in my life a way I haven't in years.
 
I'm feeling it deep down. That subtle thing. But why listen to it? And yet I'm getting the feeling that "It's inevitable so why fight it?" But why is it inevitable? It doesn't have to be. I'm not just trying to cut back on porn here. The aim is to quit it forever. So I'll just ignore the voice/feeling.
 
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