A fresh start for a mountain goat ⛰️

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 0

Hey folks. I'm Vince, from France. I'm 28 years old. My addiction to porn started a LONG time ago, at 14 or 15. With ups and downs.

Last year I managed to stay PMO-free for a loooong time. I had good real-life Os with partners. It was great. I connected with them. There was love, intimacy etc.

Then some personal stuff happened towards the second half of 2021. It became more difficult. Some relapses later... here I am.

I seem to have a pattern of relapsing every 1-3 weeks. Until yesterday, I was 'PMO free' for two weeks, which was a success.

But then a few triggers (loneliness, boredom and a feeling of purposelessness - I'm freelance so sometime I have loads of work, sometimes I don't have any work for many weeks... balancing that is hard!) happened, and I relapsed. I feel the urge was very strong and hard to avoid. I spent a LONG time relapsing this morning, it was kind of ugly. Lots of shame.

I did think about what my life would look like without porn, I want to keep that in mind (last year proved it!):

• More confident in life, socially and romantically
• More confident at work, more efficient

I know I have to rewire my brain to believe that

1. Porn doesn't help me feeling less bored, on the contrary
2. Porn doesn't help relax, on the contrary, it creates post-O anxiety
3. Porn doesn't help me feeling more confident sexually, on the contrary
4. Sex is ONE of the dimensions of my life, not the center of it, it's OK if I don't always excel in it
5. I'm capable of stopping porn, I've done it before and it was great

Tomorrow in this journal I'll try to think of the things I could be doing instead of doing porn when triggers arise.

I think what would help me is finding an accountability partner who's around my age (age 25-35), who's had success staying out of PMO, and who I can stay in touch with regularly to keep each other accountable in our reboot. Anyone interested?

 

[the_mountain_goat]

PS: I own many trigger "objects" (toys etc.) - although I recognise their usefulness when used in a healthy way, I wonder if having them around is problematic as it may sometimes trigger a relapse. I'll try and hide them away to make it more difficult to get them. If they cause directly or indirectly a relapse again (despite making them hard to get to), I'll throw them away (although I'd be throwing away a substantial sum of money!)

 

[TypeN]

Welcome again Vince. You sound like a thoughtful guy. It's good to see that all laid out here, and it makes me confident you're on the path towards quitting.

It sounds like you already lead a pretty interesting life, but I would think about what you could add to it to make it more exciting for you personally (particularly during those long periods when your work is absent). Ultimately quitting will give you a lot of energy, and you'll probably need to direct it somewhere healthy to avoid feeling restless; just something to think about.

As far as toys go, I personally decided they won't be a part of my life, at least not ones that aren't for sharing with a partner. Over the years, on several attempted "reboots" from porn, I've bought myself solo toys on the pretext of a healthy alternative. Every time it made me feel the same way as porn, until (like regular porn), it wasn't exciting enough any more, and I ultimately relapsed with both. In each case I ended up throwing the toys away (and boy, was it a lot of money ). So I don't bother anymore. But, everyone's different, so maybe you can use them in a healthy way; that's up to you to evaluate. Sounds like you plan to, which is good.

Anyhow, watching this space.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Thanks for your answer TypeN - what really helps me in those periods in all of the outdoor stuff I can do around here (I live in the French Southern Alps). So most of the time I have friends to get outside with... hiking, climbing, biking... The only problem is when the weather isn't nice (it does happen a little bit). Then I try to turn to reading books, watching movies, yoga...

I completely relate about the toys. I've put them away in our building's cellar in a taped up box, so quite out of reach when feeling a need to relapse. I just don't want to waste that should I someday feel the need to use them in a healthy way (which I have done before). But at least they're not so available to me as they were before. If a relapse still happens because of that, despite the hiding, I will get rid of them!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 1

Feeling surprisingly great. A friend arrived last night to visit me. We went hiking, beautiful snowy day here. Feeling confident.

I've been doing cold water dipping for the last three months. Now it's getting intense and I love it (the water is 1°C/33.8°F), I have to break about 15 cm / 6 in of ice to get the lake's water. So we did it today with my friend, it was her first time. Super fun! Helps a lot with stress relief.

No urges today, the context didn't allow it and that's great. Tomorrow we'll go hiking again.

I know I have to keep myself busy after a relapse.

Also decided to see my therapist tomorrow. I had been seeing her for about a year and decided to stop in August, but she said her door was open should I need some momentary support, which I feel would be valuable now.

 

[TypeN]

Great, man. That's an excellent use of your time at the start of a streak -- spending time with friends. Plus, if you can hop in a freezing lake, who's afraid of a little urge? (My urge would probably be to get the fuck out of the freezing lake ).

Excellent choice to reconnect with your therapist, too.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 6

I've been mostly off screens for 4 days. I've been super busy, which is good. A friend came to visit me, we did a lot of things outdoors, had nice conversations etc. It felt very nice.

Happy that I'm in 6 days in. Mondays are always a little tough for me. I feel like I could have relapsed this morning. But happy I didn't. It was hard to find motivation to get up after an intense weekend, but I did. Managed to motivate myself to do a short workout and go to my coworking space.

On Saturday, I peaked at a little soft video, which I consider healthy: no O, it lasted 15 minutes, and it put some right content into my brain about sex. Healthy content about what I consider to be "healthy, loving, cute sex" (probably the kind of sex I want!). Healthy and secure in the way it lasted a short while, wasn't compulsive, didn't lead to a relapse in the next day. No rebound effect because no O. I understand it was a risk for my 'sobriety', but I managed it.

Balance is always a thing I struggle with in my life. Balancing everything. Like... time with friends vs solo time. Sports vs relax. Work vs no work etc. I feel like trying to maintain a form of balance helps me with not relapsing too. The problem is that sometimes, to find balance, I put A LOT of control in my life, which then can make a potential relapse look super appealing, because it is a moment of losing control. So I must also stay a bit cool about things, not trying to control everything all the time. I feel like I achieved that this weekend, sort of let myself go by not planning anything and yet having a great time with friends: deciding to go skiing at the last minute, a nice party on Saturday evening, and a chill afternoon with friends on Sunday. The only thing that might be missing a little bit is some me-time!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 6 bis

Little update. Later today I had some urges, ended up looking at some sexy-looking pictures on Tumblr. Hopefully I managed to get out of it, went to a yoga class with a friend, and then we went to the restaurant. So happy to have successfully broken the cycle that started while looking at sexy images.

Trying to think of what triggered it. I think it was some semi erotic pictures on Instagram, which then led me to open some profile's Linktree, from the Linktree I clicked on the Tumblr link, and looked at dirtier stuff once on Tumblr. So I will unlike these pages from Instagram!

 

[TypeN]

I definitely relate with the images, it's like a slippery slope with them because they're practically everywhere you look in our digital world these days. Easy to get sucked into browsing almost on auto-pilot.

Sounds like things are going well for you though. You're filling a lot of your personal time with human connection, which is great. Lots of good healthy dopamine there. I'm sure its helping you to get away from screens too, I should probably find ways to work that in.

You're almost a week in now. Keep trucking dude.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 7

Beautiful day. Productive morning at work and a dopamine-packed afternoon of skiing.

The next few days I'll be traveling to Paris for work and friends. It should be quite busy, but I may have some alone time where I'll need to find good ways of decompressing/de-pressuring that do not involve porn. I'm thinking things like sitting in a coffee shop with a book that I like, perhaps going to the climbing gym...

 

[the_mountain_goat]

@TypeN thanks for the encouragement. It's true that images is such an easy way to get sucked in. Your brain is like "yeah it's OK they're just images" but next thing you know, it's short clips and then full on videos! I'm glad I broke that cycle yesterday, but it really was because I had to leave for my yoga class, otherwise it may have been a relapse. Not sure yet how to break those cycles once they've started. My only solution for now is to avoid them entirely. Any strategies are welcome!

 

[TypeN]

@TypeN thanks for the encouragement. It's true that images is such an easy way to get sucked in. Your brain is like "yeah it's OK they're just images" but next thing you know, it's short clips and then full on videos! I'm glad I broke that cycle yesterday, but it really was because I had to leave for my yoga class, otherwise it may have been a relapse. Not sure yet how to break those cycles once they've started. My only solution for now is to avoid them entirely. Any strategies are welcome!

Try not to get hung up on that man, I feel like luck is definitely an element of successful streaks; at least for guys like us who are early on in the journey. What matters this time is that you did stop! Instead you can focus on how well you've been doing; you didn't get this far by luck alone.

It's a tough problem though. I think maybe one thing to try is, when you see those images pop up on social media or whatever, actively remind yourself what's going on in the same way you do about porn: "this won't bring me real pleasure", "it's just empty imagery on a screen", "by browsing these I'd be acting like an addict", and so on. That way you're actively flagging your addictive behavior and maybe have the chance to recognize it before it starts, next time around.

 

[TypeN]

Day 7
... perhaps going to the climbing gym...

Also, bouldering or belaying?

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Hehe. Probably bouldering if I’m going on my own, also I’ve only brought my shoes with me

But I do both, mostly belaying back at home in the Alps, and a lot of outdoor rope climbing, single and multi pitch

Interesting what you said about reminding ourselves that these images aren’t real and truly appealing, or also to me: they’re not the best way I’d like to be sexually aroused. I’d rather be with someone real, with intimacy, fun and connection!

 

[TypeN]

Sick dude! That’s so cool, and in the alps too. I’ve only ever gone bouldering at gyms myself, would love to climb outdoors someday though.

I actually studied abroad in Paris for a semester in college, and when I was there I went to a bouldering gym called blocbuster occasionally. Wonder if you know it? It’s in La Défense. C’était très populaire quand j’étais là.

Anyway, right on about what you really want man, makes sense.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Hahaha. Yes I know it but have never been, I was an Arkose guy that’s awesome man!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 9

Awesome time in the big city, arrived yesterday and here for 3 days (mostly for work and friends!).

Went to the climbing gym yesterday, on my own, which I think was a first. Got to meet a nice group of people, and really clicked with a girl. We got beers after, and I got her number. This is something I rarely do, but gaining self confidence (climbing gym does boost my confidence!) is clearly is sign of this more conscious reboot process (journaling here and reading about other guys' really helps!)

Otherwise, I enjoyed seeing friends I hadn't seen in a while. And today I have a big gig for work (the reason I'm here), and also feeling quite confident about it. Hope it goes well.

No urges, but a rush of positive energy pushing me forward, which I like!

 

[TypeN]

Awesome my friend. That's what this is all about, natural connection. Happy for you!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 11

Intensely busy. Now on my way back from the big city. I feel very good, motivated and alive! Got to see a lot of friends and spend some beautiful moments filled with a lot of laughter, and that feels wonderful.

Got to see the girl from the climbing gym before leaving this morning. We agreed to stay in touch and see each other again the next time I come back to Paris.

I realize I feel great because I have many things to look forward to. Ski touring trips, city trips... Things that make me happy.

For those seeking to escape a little bit, I highly recommend this documentary that is a big source of inspiration for me, about a group of professional skiers going on a far-away adventure in Pakistan. Just epic and beautiful! And free to watch on YouTube (50 minutes).

 

[TypeN]

Great, dude. Sounds like taking the addiction out of your life is making space for so many excellent things to take its place. That's a great feeling, I've been feeling a little bit of it myself lately too.

That documentary looks sick! I didn’t know Pakistan’s mountains were so beautiful.