A fresh start for a mountain goat ⛰️

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
94 ME | 4 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 2

November 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩
December 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟨 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩
January 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟦 🟩🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩
February πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟦 🟨 🟩 🟩

Doing OK although the drop in energy was intense! I think it was caused both by the relapse and the lack of sleep. I am feeling a bit better today.

I think I do need to find a moment and motivation to do something Β« sporty Β» in the midst of my work weekend trip. For sure running tomorrow morning, and perhaps some form of workout today (end of the day) if I have the time. I’ll try. I know this can help me with my energy levels.

The sentimental issue with the person I’m seeing hasn’t helped either. But I’m navigating through that slowly. I think it’s the distance and the fact that it bursted while I’m gone that is most difficult. Or perhaps not… Perhaps it’s helping us see things differently. I think I need to focus on here, on my trip, which will help me step back on this issue. I think it means not messaging her, or less, in the coming days.

I want to try and be present (and energetic) as much as I can here. I might use some of these in my next few posts here...

If I had to narrow my biggest trigger down to one word, what would it be and why?
  • OK, it will be three words: boredom, loneliness and 'emptiness'.
  • I am someone who does a lot of things, active things like sports, and now less active too (like, nicely, just going to a coffee shop to read a book). When I find myself without anything to do, it surprises me still. I guess the void of it scares me. And the opportunity it presents is weirdly exciting. That's when the trigger hits!
  • I am also a very social person, I care about being liked and about what people think of me. Friends are super important in my life. I nurture my friendships. But then, if I'm alone, with nothing to do... That's when there's a chance of relapsing too.
When I look back at my life, what events can I trace back to that directly impacted substance use habits?
  • They are short periods of time. I was never "deep" into PMO for weeks and weeks.
Interestingly, a couple of days after the relapse, I'm getting the feeling that I'm not losing all of the progress that I harnessed in my last two streaks. As written above, in the last 94 days, I've only had 4 days of relapse. Yes, there are some brain-related stuff happening with PMO, but here, there are a lot of psychological things too. Confidence is a big one for me. And the current relationship helped so much in that regard, getting that confidence back, realizing that I'm a nice sexual partner. I'm present. I'm fun. I'm generous. I'm listening. I'm (trying) to be communicative about one I and the other might like. So, the goal here is to remind myself of all of these great things that happened, and not let the narrative of "a relapse destroys everything" win.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Really sorry to hear this, mountain goat :(

But I just want to encourage you that your progress isn't over, and you don't have to re-start from scratch.

4 relapses in 96 days is pretty stellar if you ask me, compared to probably 90% of guys who are more like 80 PMO in 96 days.

Keep up your healthy habits as much as possible, keep the positive momentum going and get right back on track.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
96 ME | 4 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 4

November 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩
December 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟨 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩
January 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩
February πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟦 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩

Thanks @MapleSyrup for the positive feedback!

Energy is back! Did abs on Saturday, went running yesterday, and a bike ride today. It has helped a lot! The relapse's effects were intense, but then it was also re-assuring to se how quickly I recovered from it.

Also, I'm pretty sure that if I were to have sex in the coming days, it would work like it did before the relapse, as I said, 96 days PMO free vs 4 days of relapse.

What was my biggest barrier to lasting sobriety, last time I tried to break my addiction?

  • Idle time, boredom compounded with unaddressed stress
  • Solution: well, first, breathe!
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
98 ME | 5 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 0

November 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩
December 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟨 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩
January 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩
February πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟦 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟨

And... relapse again. Same reason as last time (idle, boredom...).

With a hint of self-sabotage; meaning I'm indirectly saboting a potential romantic-sexual relationship I'm at the beginning of, by "ruining the potential sex" we may have because of a relapse.

How might I break this cycle?
  • By realizing that relapsing didn't solve my 'boredom' issue, it made it worse, time was not fulfilling.
  • As soon as I start thinking about edging to non-P but stimulating content, I'm starting a relapse. I must "stop right there".
  • By realizing it disconnects me from reality, while I actually enjoy reality a lot!
  • By remembering how horrible I felt last Saturday!
So, now. Let's quit it. Things to look forward to:
  • Yoga w/ friend
  • Dinner w/ friends
  • Day @ climbing gym Friday w/ friends
  • Skiing this weekend
  • Starting to read a new novel
There are big things ahead. I'm going to have apartment soon. Lots of things to do for this... I gotta get my shit together, and do this well!
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
102 ME | 6 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 4

November 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩
December 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟨 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩
January 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩
February πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟦 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟨 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩

Feeling better. Relapsed the day following the last relapse. I had very compulsive urges, that were sort of striking me without a warning.

Now I'm feeling better. I had a lovely weekend, despite some very stressful personal stuff that I managed to handle.

Found joy in some beautiful outdoor adventures, one of them which took me out of my comfort zone a lot. Felt good!

I'm so glad that a new cozy coffee shop opened here, where I'll be able to work from. Avoid spending time on my own when I feel like a relapse could happen.

Also, very glad I'm still enjoying my "Dry February", it's been 21 days (started end of January) without alcohol!
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
106 ME | 6 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 8

November 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩
December 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟨 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩
January 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟦 🟩 🟩 🟩
February πŸŸͺ πŸŸͺ 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟦 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟨 🟨 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩

Doing good despite injuring my wrist in a bike accident, which is kind of annoying but OK! It seems to be healing slowly though.

Happy that I'm though the first week post relapse. This is always the most difficult.

One key trigger I've noticed in the last relapse is a sense of "life uncertainty" that I find hard to handle.

Nice things to look forward to in the coming days. Hopefully will manage to get on skis. Work is moving ahead nicely. A friend is coming over to visit...
 
Top