A fresh start for a mountain goat ⛰️

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 77 - no P

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MarchWhg▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO

---

Finally finished with that big job. The beginning of the week was difficult. Loads of pressure with that first big job, loads of doubts etc. But it went well in the end. Glad I didn't MO (or worse) again as a way to relax then.

Now super tired and in a decompressing mode. Feeling a bit low in energy, mental and physical. Trying to relax and recharge before continuing my trip!

Super happy that I made it to two and a half months of no P!

Still a bit worried about an injury that keeps coming back to haunt me. I'll try and do something about it once I'm back in Europe if the physio exercises didn't help. Still quite a source of anxiety and frustration for me!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Bored and tired in bed at night and caught myself almost on a slippery slope. Tried to reopen an old Twitter account that could have had some sensitive content on it. Thank goodness I didn’t manage and then realised what I was doing after failing to reopen the Twitter account. Decided to write about it here to stop this cycle. Causes/triggers: loneliness, tiredness, need to relax and decompress. I need to catch up on sleep and get back some mental calm!

 

[TypeN]

Bored and tired in bed at night and caught myself almost on a slippery slope. Tried to reopen an old Twitter account that could have had some sensitive content on it. Thank goodness I didn’t manage and then realised what I was doing after failing to reopen the Twitter account. Decided to write about it here to stop this cycle. Causes/triggers: loneliness, tiredness, need to relax and decompress. I need to catch up on sleep and get back some mental calm!

Good job catching yourself @the_mountain_goat. I imagine you're feeling some anxiety about it, but try not to let it get to you! It's understandable for old patterns to surface in a moment like this where you have so much going on and you're exhausted. Perhaps you can just see it that way: an old pathway in your brain firing up when your guard was down. Not your genuine desire (which must be true, because you realized what you were doing and stopped yourself).

And don't forget:

Super happy that I made it to two and a half months of no P!

This is a huge achievement! Your lifestyle right now is so much closer to that, than to porn use. Stay strong.

 

[Trisquel]

Bored and tired in bed at night and caught myself almost on a slippery slope. Tried to reopen an old Twitter account that could have had some sensitive content on it. Thank goodness I didn’t manage and then realised what I was doing after failing to reopen the Twitter account. Decided to write about it here to stop this cycle. Causes/triggers: loneliness, tiredness, need to relax and decompress. I need to catch up on sleep and get back some mental calm!

I completly feel you, all of this triggers are very tricky for me as well!

But overall you are doing fantastic! I´m glad to read your posts here.
You got this, I believe you will manage trhough the next weeks, I hope you find a way of canalizing that pressure and taking care of yourself.

Cheers!

PS: congrants on 80 days P free! that´s inspiring

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 81 - no P

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MarchWhg▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO

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« Perhaps you can just see it that way: an old pathway in your brain firing up when your guard was down. »

Thanks for that analysis @TypeN, it does make a lot of sense. The urge was here, it was annoying and unpleasant, but I managed to say "no thank you" and stay out of it. And thanks for highlighting my achievement!

9 days without MO. Hope I will be able summon this energy into nice/fulfilling things in the coming week. The last four days have been a bit weird and difficult (where I’m currently at in my travel), I’m in the type of situation where I’m wondering "what am I doing here?", I'm not enjoying the overall energy I'm getting from the place I'm at. It’s OK for a couple of days, as I know it will not last. Tomorrow I’m off to something else (traveling elsewhere) and I know it will be a lot nicer. Still, if I look at the positive things, the current last few days have allowed me to reflect on life in general, and that was nice. What I want in life (i.e. mountains, interesting and lovely friends, work that fulfills me humanly and intellectually…), where I come from, the decisions I’ve made to get to where I am currently etc. And all of the conclusions are positive!

I’m SO looking forward to the next coming days. Actual vacation will start to a place that I love!

 

[TypeN]

Very glad to hear things will be less stressful for you soon, and well, actually fun! Sounds like you've earned that this past week bud. And once the stress is over, the triggers that were bothering you will go with it.

And hey ... I know there've been times where I've thought "what am I doing here?" in some place or another in these 50 states. So you're not alone there, heheh.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 85 - no P

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MarchWhg▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO

---

Doing very well. This week I'm on a mostly-holiday/leisure trip focused on climbing, camping and rockclimbing. Having a lot of fun.

Wet dream last night, interesting as it had only been 12 days since my last MO! Don't know what I was dreaming about. Don't think it was porn.

Still struggling a little bit with an injury. I need some discipline to start physical activity again, I think.

PS: HA! TypeN, exactly. Those 50 states can be strange!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 91 - no P

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MarchWhg▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO

---

Back from the holiday (but still traveling abroad). Doing well. Finally finding some time for myself tonight. I might be missing home a little bit. I'm getting some feelings that are hard to manage currently, trying to find some ways to breathe and find my own space while away from home. Will focus on that this weekend. Looking forward to have more social time here!

Happy that I reached three months without P! This was my last longest streak in 2021. I hope I can sustain. I'm pretty sure I can!

I've started a programme to slowly get back to running without re-activating my injury. We'll see where that goes. It's good as I can do it while traveling.

Work is going well. Feeling quite confident.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 92 - no P

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MarchWhg▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO

---

Doing well. Thinking of starting my own personal journal. I saw many benefits by doing it here but I think that after 90 days, I would like to go deeper and I would need to journal for myself (reflections that I wouldn't be able to share 'publicly').

I would still keep writing a bit here as I like the accountability that an open online journal offers.

Thinking of the prompts I would mention in my daily personal journal...

• What surprised me yesterday?
• What am I grateful for?
• What are my hopes and goals for the day? What is my intention?
• What is something that I haven't done in a while that I could do?
• Who haven't I reached out to in a while?

Any other ideas folks?

 

[TypeN]

Day 92 - no P

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MarchWhg▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO

---

Doing well. Thinking of starting my own personal journal. I saw many benefits by doing it here but I think that after 90 days, I would like to go deeper and I would need to journal for myself (reflections that I wouldn't be able to share 'publicly').

I would still keep writing a bit here as I like the accountability that an open online journal offers.

Thinking of the prompts I would mention in my daily personal journal...

• What surprised me yesterday?
• What am I grateful for?
• What are my hopes and goals for the day? What is my intention?
• What is something that I haven't done in a while that I could do?
• Who haven't I reached out to in a while?

Any other ideas folks?

These seem great my friend. I think maybe I'd add just a simple "how am I feeling today (and why)?" Like a basic way to check in on yourself each day, release any difficult emotions on paper if there are any, and if you're feeling good it provides you a chance to reflect gratefully too.

That is much of what I use private journalling for, and I find that other, more abstract questions or chances to reflect often arise naturally from that basic question of how I'm feeling. But I bet I'd also benefit from having a more specific set of questions like you do here. So, good planning!

Also, huge props to you for reaching the 3 month mark. You're a big continuing inspiration to myself to keep things going. Congrats man.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Day 101 - no P

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MarchWhg▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO

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100 days! Yays! I don't think I've ever been beyond 90-95 days before. This is new territory.

I've been quite busy in the last ten days, met a lot of new people and had fun (except a little low moment where I was feeling homesick). One more week in my six weeks-long trip! Looking forward to being home after such a long time away and traveling around (I realized that in the last 6 weeks, I stayed in 14 different places!) Missing the comfort of my own bed, and my friends at home.

Had a little love adventure recently. Really enjoyed it. I feel like I'm gaining so much confidence when it comes to "real sex". I realize I have a lot to discover still, to what I actually like. The further I am from porn the easier it is to think about it. It's quite an exciting journey towards "self discovery". I think I want to build this self knowledge and self confidence only through real experiences (at some point earlier in my reboot journey I was thinking about using erotic stories, but then decided not to - only reality will do).

Tonight I'm going to have my own hotel room, so I must be careful (I've been staying on people's couches and/or sharing rooms for the last 4 weeks): finally being alone for the first time might be triggering. If possible, I'd like to stay MO-free for the next 4 days, I have a big work gig that I want to be full of energy and focus for. My thinking for tonight when I arrive at the hotel is... go to the hotel gym, prep my day for tomorrow, and read a book (no screens).

Also, I've started writing in my personal journal. Maybe that's why I'm less present here (on top of extra business!). It's been great. I hope I'll be able to sustain it!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

115 Good Days (0 + 100 + 15)

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MarchWhg▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO

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Well that sucks! I relapsed tonight.

I think I couldn't handle being on my own all of the sudden after so much time around people for the last few weeks. Plus some stress and tiredness after this long trip. I should have been more vigilant. I saw it coming... (my earlier post!)

BUT! It doesn't remove all of the progress I've made so far. That's why I've changed the red color in my little system. I feel like the former flashy red gave way too much importance to one event vs the 100 days of success. So, a light grey for a relapse.

The key is now how I get back in the game... Not letting myself fall.

Will turn off screens tonight, clean my room (feel like things are well organised for the four days to come), take pleasure in reading my book. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up early to go to the gym before my work starts. Will not let this bring me down.

 

[TypeN]

It's good to hear from you @the_mountain_goat!

BUT! It doesn't remove all of the progress I've made so far. That's why I've changed the red color in my little system. I feel like the former flashy red gave way too much importance to one event vs the 100 days of success. So, a light grey for a relapse. ... Will not let this bring me down.

I think this is the right attitude. This was one lapse, but you can keep it from becoming multiple. Your brain has surely done some great healing in these past several months which won't have been undone by a single mistake, so now you just need to keep it that way.

It does sound like you are/have been busy, but it might be worth considering checking in here more often in these next few days. I know you say you've been keeping a private journal which is excellent, but perhaps the accountability could help you keep things stable. Your call, of course!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

115 Good Days (0 + 100 + 15)

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MarchWhg▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO

---

PMO again tonight. It wasn't a bad relapse : one single source of content, quite a "soft" one. But this has to stop here. Otherwise it's definitely a slippery slope. Did feel the annoying "Oh, I already relapsed so this doesn't count". Although yes it does, every relapse is a chance I give porn to re-assert itself in my now more powerful brain!

Good but stressful day. Fully immersed in work from dawn to dusk, so I see how PMO can be seen as a way to relax on these intense days.

But this should end now. I had planned on going to the gym today, but didn't have the chance. Will try to make it work tomorrow, even if this means telling my colleagues 'sorry, I'll be leaving an hour early before dinner, I need to do something with my body to release all of that energy we're building up in these intense work travel days'. I know they will understand. It's a matter of finding the motivation myself.

I know I can re-route this. Super interesting however how my brain is reacting to me being on my own (this never happens as even back home I live with housemates). Something to think about: definitely a triggering situation for me, this "freedom" from being on my own. How might I avoid a relapse both tomorrow when I get back to my hotel room alone, but also other times when this happens? (and it will in April, I will have a hotel room a couple of times!)

I know you say you've been keeping a private journal which is excellent, but perhaps the accountability could help you keep things stable.

You're def right @TypeN - I will try to write here tomorrow AS SOON AS I get back to my hotel room. Before the trigger and urge kick in.

To tomorrow's ▇ GREEN ▇ day!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 116 | 3 PORN

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MarchWhg▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

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Intense but great work day! Successful, nice humans connections, great creativity and responsiveness from my team and I, a super stimulating day.

Just back in the hotel (one of these 6am-9pm type of days!) - as promised to myself and folks on this forum, I will write here!

I see these two little relapses as something that happened for a reason: my body and mind are tired, I needed something to relax and release some of the tensions I've slowly built during my travel. Not the best way to do this, but if it's once every three months, it should be alright with my brain. I don't want to feel guilty or discouraged. I am actually confident that this shouldn't happen again.

Just a thought: I know going back home after six weeks on Sunday will also be a bit of a "decompression" moment. I know that it's during those decompression moments that I need to watch out for triggers etc. So as I make my way back this weekend, I will take some time to think how I might avoid a potential relapse then! Plan it out a little bit.

PS: testing new ways of counting my progress in a positive way! Now it's a score board, and I'm definitely winning

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 117 | 3 PORN

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MarchWhg▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

To another green day! Intense work day again. Did 6am-4pm, and at the end I felt exhausted (but somewhat satisfied!), mentally, and, I thought, physically. But took a little nap and then went to the hotel gym. Made me feel A LOT better! My body needed that.

I think I've done a lot less physical activity during my travel, and especially NO outdoor activity during my trip, and that's had quite an impact on me in the long run I believe. I'm not the mountain goat for no reason! Looking forward to being back home, in my mountains!

Already planning my return home a little, dinners with friends, blocking days for time outdoors etc. Looking forward to it.

Super grateful that the days are getting longer and that Spring is making its way to us. A more gentle season for the soul!

 

[TypeN]

I'm sure you're right about that! It's easy to take for granted how much good our routines of staying active do for our mental well-being until we stop having the time for them.

Looking forward to hearing what you get up to, now that you're back on home turf in this favorable season.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 118 | 3 PORN

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▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

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Job is finished! Yay. Relieved and grateful that it's over. I'm feeling exhausted still. I've got this intense desire to be back home and be in an environment that helps me find balance. 3 more days!

Still, I'm looking forward to a few last things on my trip...

• Seeing a good friend tonight
• Going to the climbing gym either tomorrow or Saturday
• A nice dinner with lovely people tomorrow night

I do want to appreciate my final three days here, be present and take this time to relax and enjoy the presence of my friends here before saying goodbye!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 119 | 3 PORN

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▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

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Doing well! I am energized by the fact that I am here for just one more day - and then I'll head back home! I've taken the time to reflect on what the last six weeks of travel have taught me about myself. Very nice thoughts (on my personal journal).

As I continue to explore sex (with real people), I happily realize that I have gained a lot of self confidence and also, most importantly for me, an ability to let myself go. Not to be self conscious. It is so nice! Happy to see that my recent relapse didn't affect me last night. Last night, I had sex with my lover-friend but without an orgasm at the end. The absence of orgasm wasn't necessarily deliberate, but I like the idea too. It's the journey not the destination that counts, right? Makes me focus on being present, enjoy the sensations and the person I'm with etc. Plus, it has the added benefit of releasing all of my sexual energy. Again, I'm happy with the rhythm of 4-5 Os per month, and/or making sure the Os are 6-8 days apart from each other.

Still struggling with some physical pain from past injuries. I think it's about accepting the pain a little bit, not focus on it (makes it worse). I know I've said this already, but I think meditation may help. I wonder sometime if some of that pain isn't "somatized"; i.e. a body area where my anxiety is channeled and thus turned into more pain than it should.

 

[Androg]

Sounds like a good sexual experience. Non-goal oriented sex can be very refreshing.