A fresh start for a mountain goat ⛰️

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 121 | 3 PORN

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November ▇
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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

Almost back home. Will be home in 2 hours (final train ride!) Quite tired and jetlagged, but happy about finally getting back. I hope I will recover quickly.

Looking forward to seeing my friends and the mountains again! Yet, a bit stressed about some of the things I will have to deal with, but nothing I can't handle!

Will work tomorrow morning, and then will make sure to take some time to reunite with the mountains.

 

[TypeN]

ME 121 | 3 PORN

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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

Almost back home. Will be home in 2 hours (final train ride!) Quite tired and jetlagged, but happy about finally getting back. I hope I will recover quickly.

Looking forward to seeing my friends and the mountains again! Yet, a bit stressed about some of the things I will have to deal with, but nothing I can't handle!

Will work tomorrow morning, and then will make sure to take some time to reunite with the mountains.

Wonderful! You've got this.

 

[Trisquel]

ME 121 | 3 PORN

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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

Almost back home. Will be home in 2 hours (final train ride!) Quite tired and jetlagged, but happy about finally getting back. I hope I will recover quickly.

Looking forward to seeing my friends and the mountains again! Yet, a bit stressed about some of the things I will have to deal with, but nothing I can't handle!

Will work tomorrow morning, and then will make sure to take some time to reunite with the mountains.

Glad to hear that. Take some good rest and enjoy beeing home!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 123 | 3 PORN

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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

Post from April 4th (didn't press Post reply).

Back home! It's been two days. Realised how much exhaustion and tension I've accumulated in 6 weeks away.

Got a massage this morning, it helped a lot. The masseur (who knows my back well!) was like "Well, you're tensed!"

Thus trying to take it easy. Time for myself. Enjoyed a nice bike ride in the mountains yesterday.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 124 | 3 PORN

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November ▇
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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

Took good care of myself yesterday, went to the doc for a check up. New recommendations for my injuries. Hopefully that will help!

Had a lot of fun at a friend's last night, it feels so good to be back here with my best friends around me. Laughter is so good for the soul. Very grateful.

Went rock climbing this morning, outdoors. So grateful too.

Now a little bit of work to complete. Trying to structure myself a bit more: think of all the tasks I need to do, arrange them in order and start working with this in mind. It feels a little more doable like this!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 129 | 3 PORN

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November ▇
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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

It's been wild to be back home! I have been so busy seing friends and enjoying life here (you know that feeling when you've been away from something for too long and you're suddenly getting it back!) All that to say I need some quiet, me-time tonight. I need to recharge a little bit, life has been wild and my body and mind are tired!!

Interestingly, I had the opportunity for sex last night but was probably too tired to want it. I accepted it and didn't feel bad for saying 'sorry, not feeling it'. I think I wasn't "centered" enough for it! My mind was a bit scattered with all the activities and things I've been up to in the last week.

Things I might do tonight for my more quiet time...

• Yoga
• Make a nice, fresh dinner
• Make sure my environment is tidy and clean (that centers me/calms me down)
• Perhaps do a face mask!

Also, I know I'm entering the wet dream zone with 15+ days of no MO. At the same time, I feel a bit too dead to even want to MO, so I'm accepting that it might happen (wet dreams, I mean!)

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 130 | 3 PORN

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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

Feeling good today. A good night of sleep. Went climbing outdoors with a friend (but took it really easy!) It felt like a "calmer" today.

I'm traveling out of the country for work until Sunday, so will be pretty busy (but it should be fun!) - I will need to take some time for myself because otherwise it might be an overwhelming week + weekend.

Still in a flat line mode with regards to libido. All OK for me at the moment!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 131 | 3 PORN

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November ▇
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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

On my way out of the country for 4 days. Happy I managed to re-center myself in the last 24 hours. Yoga, reading, tea and phone off in the evening etc.

Had a dream about porn last night. When I woke up, I was glad (a) that it didn't lead to a wet dream and (b) that it was just a dream. I remember a feeling of shame/guilt during the dream.

Feeling quite empowered by work at the moment. Going to my 4 day training feeling uplifted!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 134 | 4 PORN

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November ▇
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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

And, shit! I relapsed tonight, as I came back from my trip out of the country. I should have anticipated that.

I had a beautiful but intense 4 days (for work, but fun). I made meaningful connections, learnt a lot, had fun.

Yet, I'm struggling A LOT with my injury. I'm going to see the doctor on Wednesday... I think this has been a lot on my mind lately. It's stressing me out a lot as I don't see how I'm going to fix it...

I did healthy MO 2 days in a row, which I shouldn't have because it did lead to the relapse. It made my brain want more. It's that slippery slope...

Now, I've decided I will go back to no MO at all unless it's with someone.

I don't feel too bad about the relapse. Now I just need to take some time to "land" after my intense trip. Take some time to relax, to re-center myself, but also to think about what I've learned.

 

[Androg]

Remember: When you're in a hole...stop digging. Bingeing will set you back, so start again.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 135 | 4 PORN

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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

Half way through this post-relapse day.

Was tempted this morning but got over it. Started the day pretty stressed about all the little things I have to do but I think I'm now a little more centered.

Working on a cool side project that I hope will bear fruit...!

Intention to enjoy a relaxing week at home before leaving again for two weeks...

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 135 | 5 PORN

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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

Guys. Not doing well. I fought against relapsing yesterday. It was difficult. The urge kept me in this weird, buzzing tension.

This morning I relapsed. And now again. I feel like the addiction is controlling me: it's been using the time I should have spent on work or on getting centred back here. Instead I've just been buzzing my way from one task to the other without achieving much. Almost feeling manic. I need something that calms me down. I will try a cold shower after this.

I would also need some intense physical activity. But I'm limited because of my foot injury. Again, something that's causing some stress in my head.

I see my therapist in two days. Until then I hope I can break the cycle... All support, ideas and virtual hugs welcome!

Update:

Claim to do the following:

• Be present and engaged in my work meetings this afternoon
• Buy a water bottle (seems silly but I've lost it on my trip and feel a bit lost without it, could symbolize a personal 'anchor')
• Do a good, intense yoga session
• Clean/tidy up my space
• Tonight I'm seeing a friend, planning on sharing my current difficulties with her and commit to finding ways to not relapse in the coming days

 

[Androg]

*virtual hug *

 

[TypeN]

Hey man, sending a virtual hug and some encouragement. We're only human and mistakes happen (I'm in the same boat as you as of yesterday). That doesn't change the overall trajectory we're headed on, which is towards healing and sobriety.

You've got this bud!

I also wonder if, since you're feeling somewhat manic, maybe it's better to focus on the calming down than on the intense physical activity. I'm the same way I think, where when I am stressed out I turn to serious exercise as a "release." But as I'm sure you know, sometimes that is not a great combination, because strenuous exercise can cause stress too (vis a vis hormones like cortisol and other complicated human body stuff).

Anyway, keep checking in with us if you can! Wishing you well.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Thanks a lot guys. Quick check in before the end of this crazy day.

I feel a lot calmer now. I’ve slowly regained control and confidence over my space. I realised the moving around a lot hasn’t helped feel grounded. If I’m back home for just a week it’s hard for me to force myself to settle down (in a sort of “why would I unpack” way).

You’re absolutely right TypeN. In the end yoga has started helping (although it was hard to get my head to be quiet). Then dinner with my housemate was a nice way to not be on my own and stop minding these annoying thoughts. Then I watched the final two episodes of Euphoria, and it’s funny how it always comes at the right moment (I’ve been watching this show VERY slowly because it’s always hard to find the time to watch it with the friend I committed to watch it with). It’s such a powerful show about addiction. Today in Euphoria I learned that the power and willingness to change must come from within you and you shouldn’t be doing it be FOR someone else. It shouldn’t be because I want to be a good sex partner with that person, it should be because I want to feel good in my own body and in my own life. I should want to be sober because I have empathy and love for myself.

Also something else I realised is that through sex and intimacy (and in so many other areas of life, like work) I’m someone who is looking for connection rather than results. To me the bond I’m making with someone is more meaningful and pleasurable than what we might achieve. That was sort of a breakthrough.

Tomorrow morning I will go to the doctor; which hopefully will bring some hope for my injuries. Then I hope to go for a little e-bike ride, perhaps take a break somewhere nice to meditate. Then I will try to advance work in a less “manic” and stressed way.

Again thanks a lot for the support and the virtual hug! I think I’m out of the rabbit hole.

 

[Trisquel]

You got this!

I think we all experience struggles and relapses in our reboot, the important part is to keep pushing on the right direction! And it seems like you are doing so!

Good luck with your foot, I hope it gets better.
I whish you the best!

Cheers

 

[TypeN]

I hope things went well with your doctor's appointment, and that you continue to be in a calmer place.

Now I'm a little curious about Euphoria! I've heard friends talk about it but hadn't considered watching it yet.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 139 | 5 PORN

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November ▇
December ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇
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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

Nice to see some green again here. I've really taken the last few days as "detox" days. Haven't drank alcohol in 7 days. Trying to eat well. Trying to take it easy. Doing my best to recharge my batteries before another traveling sprint for work. This coming one will be intense and stressful, but probably also fun and full of new, most likely, lovely, people. I'm both looking forward and yet a little scared, as I'm not fully ready yet, still a few things I've got to prepare. Tomorrow morning, I want to wake up early enough to have the time to work a little bit.

I did something I'm proud of. One evening earlier in the week when I was feeling stressed and couldn't sleep because of a few things on my mind (my injury and work), I reached out to a friend / colleague. It wasn't late for them as they were in an earlier time zone. This helped so much. It's not something I'm used to doing. But I felt a lot lighter after that!

Also, one nice thing: last night I had nice, sensual 'erotic' dreams. Absolutely not porn related. I felt aroused by simple things, I think it wasn't even sex! Just being with someone romantically/sensually.

I'll be alone tomorrow, and especially tomorrow night (night a hotel room). Need to be mindful. Plan ahead what I'll be doing. Avoid triggers. Maybe I'll watch a movie? I'll bring a book with me too.

 

[Androg]

GL. Your resolve may be unusually wobbly for a few more days. No excuses!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

ME 140 | 5 PORN

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November ▇
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Aprilhgh=g▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

▇ no PMO ▇ PMO ▇ healthy MO and/or 'real' sex

---

Thanks Androg!

Good day for me. I really feel like I've been allowing myself to recharge and do a lot of self-care this week. Very grateful for that.

No urges today. Focused on planning my upcoming work gig (tomorrow through Thursday). Traveling tonight and tomorrow for it. Hotel room on my own now, planning to finish the last Avatar (started it last night!), and then read a book.

Fingers crossed my gig will be a good one. The stakes are quite high actually!