A fresh start for a mountain goat ⛰️

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Day 14

I have been quite busy in the last few days! In a very positive way still. Although my personal efforts are to be praised, I’m also surfing on that nice wave of “winter is here”, which here in the Alps means A LOT of cool stuff to do (mostly skiing), which is quite exciting and keeps me occupied and satisfied with life! In other words, out of porn!

Coming back home was cool, I saw a lot of friends and realised I have become really close with many of them (I’ve only been living here for nearly two years). I value that a lot, they are an essential part of life and they bring me a lot of joy, comfort and a feeling of security and belonging. Feeling like I belong is super important to me and that’s not always been easy, especially back in Paris. I’ve realised the big city life was not my thing as much as the big outdoors life! That was hard for my city friends to accept (still is, I feel like an alien with them sometimes!)

The last three days have been filled with two great ski touring adventures. Today was more of a cloudy day, but had some work to do. I went to the swimming pool during lunch, which I hadn’t done in a while, it felt great, although very challenging (which is nice!). I do feel I can add it to my list of things to do when I feel like I’m in a “relapse zone” (i.e. at home working alone during a bad weather day).

I had a wet dream on Monday morning. It doesn’t make me feel ashamed or anything, I feel like it’s simply my body naturally releasing after two weeks. It felt quite healthy. I don’t remember the dream that caused it though. Hope it was nice and not porn related. That’s the only thing that bugs me during a reboot: having porn dreams. It’s like your brain is telling you “you can do what you want but I’ll still show you porn”. I know I’m truly successful in a reboot when I have really nice and fun sex dreams (the type that almost make you feel sad it wasn’t happening in real life when you wake up!) Hopefully that will happen in the coming weeks.

Nothing that worries me in the coming days as they will be quite busy. I’ll have to watch out for when it calms down a little bit. It’s during these sort of decompressing moments that relapses may happen, but not on the horizon yet!
 
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TypeN

Active Member
Wonderful man, glad to hear you've still been keeping busy with fun winter activities. 😁 Those close friendships you describe are also such a great asset to have on your side in this journey. Do you feel like they've changed or grown stronger at all with your recent efforts to stay clean?

That’s the only thing that bugs me during a reboot: having porn dreams. It’s like your brain is telling you “you can do what you want but I’ll still show you porn”. I know I’m truly successful in a reboot when I have really nice and fun sex dreams (the type that almost make you feel sad it wasn’t happening in real life when you wake up!) Hopefully that will happen in the coming weeks.

It's very interesting to me how many aspects of this experience of quitting are shared between us all on this forum. I get the same feelings about relapse dreams, the frustration, feeling like my brain is rebelling. During the dream it really does feel (at least emotionally) like I’ve relapsed and am watching porn. I think you're right, getting past these is a good benchmark for success.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Day 4
+ previous streak: 15


Been super busy. Small relapse on Thursday morning. Cause clearly established: I had a first morning on my own with nothing planned in a while, to decompress. Funny my brain tells me “to decompress, you may PMO”.

When that situation arises again, I need to know in advance and plan a “take care of myself” time, with things like yoga, book, coffee shop reading, maybe even going to the spa.

Other than that, had a lovely super busy weekend after that. I felt the relapse didn’t affect me too much (at all actually) so that’s good! Going on a three day ski touring trip starting today until Wednesday evening with friends. I know I will have a good moment on my own to decompress on Thursday morning and I’ll have to plan that carefully to avoid a relapse (thinking about the potential activities I mentioned above).
 

TypeN

Active Member
It's good that you've worked on understanding your thought process this much, I think that mental work is really important. It will set up you up well for when those circumstances arise again.

Maybe when you're feeling decompressed on Thursday morning come check in here and make a post on your thread? Something to get your head away from the mindset of relapsing. Anyway, hope all's well mate.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
@TypeN - excellent advice, here I am on Wednesday evening, planning my "solo/decompress Thursday" :)

Day 6 - previous streak 15

I mention the previous streak because I believe starting back at zero can be demoralising and it tends to make me forget that it doesn't mean I'm starting from scratch every time.

I come back tired but proud from a three day backcountry ski trip (like a three day hike but with skis, up and down the mountains). It was a very intense experience, both physically and mentally. We did long days, slept in a very cold winter hut (not heating, no lighting, just our headlamps and a mini gas stove!) Yet it was fun and beautiful. And a great way to disconnect from everything cellphone/computer related.

Now I'm back home, and alone for the next 24 hours. And grateful. Because I'm doing this "solo time" mindfully: in the sense that I will try to plan it well so that I don't end up relapsing. Tonight, I will watch a movie with a cup of tea, and tomorrow I will do some "relaxing" things (at home yoga, reading a book in a nice coffee shop, perhaps go to the spa if I have the time) and some "must-do" things like Christmas shopping etc. And tomorrow night, dinner with friends.

I know it's key to have some time to myself in the next 24 hours, and I want it to be an opportunity to relax, recover from the last three amazing but intense days. PMO won't be the way to go. Will try and report here tomorrow or Friday :)
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Thanks for the encouragement!

Day 8 - previous streak 15 - testing a new way to visualise my progress below ;)
▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

Feel like I did really well yesterday, "a day of decompressing" where I found myself alone with suddenly nothing 'big' planned to do. Well, as I woke up, I did plan my day and tried to fill it meaningful little activities, mixing useful and self care stuff. Glad it worked.

Today is somewhat the same with a little more social stuff. But also things that make me feel good (like getting a haircut!).

A thing I'm struggling with is that I slightly injured myself during my backcountry ski raid earlier this week, my wrist is quite sore. This creates some anxiety since I'm relying a lot on physical activities in my life/reboot. Injuries mean that I need to slow down a little bit, and find other things, that aren't physical, to satisfy/fulfill me. I'm trying to see it as an opportunity to chill the f* out. Went to the local thermal baths / spa on my own yesterday, what a cool and meditative experience. Really enjoyed it! There is something about quiet loneliness that I might be running away from, or at least that I'm not going to naturally. Which might explain why I resort to PMO when it happens. I need to keep rewiring my brain to understand that it's OK to be on my own, and that I can do so in a healthy way!

Plans for today: work in the morning, coffee with a colleague, haircut, run some errands, finish a novel and a non-fiction book I've been reading at the coffee shop, dinner with a friend.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Excellent man, I’m really happy for you for conquering yesterday. If you can do it once, you can keep doing it. I feel you about the injuries too, as myself I always get frustrated with them when I lift or run and tend to want to push through them instead of recovering like I should.

Maybe you can think of it as, rather than a worrisome threat to your sobriety, instead as an opportunity to discover a part of yourself that you don’t really know as well. You’re a really active guy who’s constantly on the move, so you know who who that guy is very well. But maybe you don’t know as well who you are in quieter moments when you need to take things slower. So now is an opportunity for you to discover who that part of you is and who you’d like him to be. There’s a long life ahead of us all and we all have to be that guy sometimes! Might as well have fun with it, and maybe you'll find that you'd even prefer it sometimes. Well, sounds like you’re already thinking like this, but I just wanted to encourage it. :D

Love the streak visual btw. (y)
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Day 9
▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

@TypeN - you're so right about discovering the less active part of myself. It's something I have to push myself to do a bit more. Not easy. But a good opportunity.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Ended up being a busy day. Happy because my injuries feel like they're recovering (but won't do anything too intense until Tuesday!).

Lots of nice plans for next week as everyone is on holiday and available. Really looking forward to it. Got myself new backcountry skis for Christmas. Can't wait to try them out. It really really helps with my reboot to have things to look forward to!

I feel proud because the last two and a half days could have been relapse days (the context was initially set for it) but I planned carefully around it. Thanks to this forum too for keeping me aware of this enabling context.

I did allow myself to sit for two hours and simply read while drinking coffee earlier, which felt great and relaxing. No urges or anything. Yays.

Took the courage to write to a girl I met a week ago and ask if she wanted to do something together next week. Fingers crossed we will meet!
 
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the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Day 11
▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

Doing well! I realise I'm somewhat in the middle of a flatline but I'm truly embracing it. It makes the reboot even simpler. Sometimes I do wake up with a morning wood, which feels cool, reminds me all is well down there. Just the brain slowly rewiring itself.


I spent a lot of time doing things on my own still, which feels great in terms of internal-external balance, things like reading (finished a few books that had been sitting on my bedside table for a while yesterday), starting a new TV series, cooking for myself. I'm lucky I don't have to work too much at the moment, helps me find time for myself.

Saw the family for a Christmas dinner, enjoyed it a lot. Did a nice backcountry ski tour with a friend this morning, just enough to make us feel refreshed and happy. Tonight is more self care: spa with two friends. Who said men couldn't do self care?! I feel like self care is an important part of the reboot. Finding these things that bring me true joy, calm, relaxation and a sense of 'release' (vs. porn that traps me into thinking it brings me those things!).

Mini adventure planned tomorrow night with friends in the mountains until Wednesday (sleep in a tent in the snow!), which I'm looking forward to. Thursday will be a quieter day, and like last week it will require some thinking/planning to make sure I don't relapse. I have faith in me!
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Day 14
▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

This is sort of a pivotal time here. The last two times I relapsed after two weeks. I first wanted to remind myself of what I first wrote when I started this thread:

I did think about what my life would look like without porn, I want to keep that in mind (last year proved it!):
  • More confident in life, socially and romantically
  • More confident at work, more efficient
I know I have to rewire my brain to believe that
  1. Porn doesn't help me feeling less bored, on the contrary
  2. Porn doesn't help relax, on the contrary, it creates post-O anxiety
  3. Porn doesn't help me feeling more confident sexually, on the contrary
  4. Sex is ONE of the dimensions of my life, not the center of it, it's OK if I don't always excel in it
  5. I'm capable of stopping porn, I've done it before and it was great
These hold true, especially now: self-confidence is here. I'm less anxious. I accept things as they are if I can't control them (e.g. injuries!).

I took the time to re-read my thread. Some lessons learned of the past month (2x14 days streaks):
  • First streak I was quite busy. It seems like over the last month, I made myself quite busy in general, but learned more and more to add some healthy 'me-time'/self care.
  • Importance of finding balance... control vs no control. For me it's a dance I must try to both choreograph and improvise to.
  • The first streak was more difficult, there were more urges because I allowed for more triggering situations to happen (i.e. unplanned me-time)
  • A lot less screens for my second streak (the current one) - I have removed Instagram from my phone and completely forgot it existed! Focused on real-life experiences.
  • Importance of things to look forward to in general, it's one of the main things that help me for sure.
  • Importance of friends, "my chosen family" - in the last year, they've become important in general, I realise they're as important (if not more) than a partner - as I'm thinking about my future, I don't necessarily see myself building a traditional home (i.e. partner, kids etc.) but a more hybrid one (shared house with friends, which doesn't exclude me being in a relationship in there too of course)
@TypeN nailed it about solo 'relaxing' 'decompressing' time:
Maybe you can think of it as, rather than a worrisome threat to your sobriety, instead as an opportunity to discover a part of yourself that you don’t really know as well. You’re a really active guy who’s constantly on the move, so you know who who that guy is very well. But maybe you don’t know as well who you are in quieter moments when you need to take things slower. So now is an opportunity for you to discover who that part of you is and who you’d like him to be. There’s a long life ahead of us all and we all have to be that guy sometimes! Might as well have fun with it, and maybe you'll find that you'd even prefer it sometimes. Well, sounds like you’re already thinking like this, but I just wanted to encourage it

Back to the present!

Doing great. My mini end of the year adventure felt really nice (mini ski tour with a night in the tent). No urges but an awareness that I'm reaching the 14 days 'mark', where I relapsed the last two times. I had a few "real life" fantasies during sleep, which felt good (not porn related!)

Today is a 'decompress' day, but I have many little things planned:
  • Finish a book (Kilian Jornet's Run or Die - highly recommend it for those seeking inspiration but also who are sometimes getting injured/ trying to deal with physical pain related to sports)
  • Some organising around the house / errands to run
  • Going to the pool
  • A little bit of work
  • Finish a TV series (Station Eleven - really thought provoking and captivating, although a bit bleak, still recommend it but you have to be in a good mood)
The 'final' end of the year has many festivities planned, so this might be my last post before 2023! Cool things to look forward to in the coming days with friends.

I really want to keep it up. I know I can do 30, 90 days! Thanks so much to this forum for the support and platform it gave me in the last month. I feel like I made a lot of progress. And... apologies for this extra long post hehe!

And a Happy New Year from the Alps!
Image76510 (1) (1).png
 
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TypeN

Active Member
Day 14
▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

This is sort of a pivotal time here. The last two times I relapsed after two weeks. I first wanted to remind myself of what I first wrote when I started this thread:


These hold true, especially now: self-confidence is here. I'm less anxious. I accept things as they are if I can't control them (e.g. injuries!).

I took the time to re-read my thread. Some lessons learned of the past month (2x14 days streaks):
  • First streak I was quite busy. It seems like over the last month, I made myself quite busy in general, but learned more and more to add some healthy 'me-time'/self care.
  • Importance of finding balance... control vs no control. For me it's a dance I must try to both choreograph and improvise to.
  • The first streak was more difficult, there were more urges because I allowed for more triggering situations to happen (i.e. unplanned me-time)
  • A lot less screens for my second streak (the current one) - I have removed Instagram from my phone and completely forgot it existed! Focused on real-life experiences.
  • Importance of things to look forward to in general, it's one of the main things that help me for sure.
  • Importance of friends, "my chosen family" - in the last year, they've become important in general, I realise they're as important (if not more) than a partner - as I'm thinking about my future, I don't necessarily see myself building a traditional home (i.e. partner, kids etc.) but a more hybrid one (shared house with friends, which doesn't exclude me being in a relationship in there too of course)
@TypeN nailed it about solo 'relaxing' 'decompressing' time:


Back to the present!

Doing great. My mini end of the year adventure felt really nice (mini ski tour with a night in the tent). No urges but an awareness that I'm reaching the 14 days 'mark', where I relapsed the last two times. I had a few "real life" fantasies during sleep, which felt good (not porn related!)

Today is a 'decompress' day, but I have many little things planned:
  • Finish a book (Kilian Jornet's Run or Die - highly recommend it for those seeking inspiration but also who are sometimes getting injured/ trying to deal with physical pain related to sports)
  • Some organising around the house / errands to run
  • Going to the pool
  • A little bit of work
  • Finish a TV series (Station Eleven - really thought provoking and captivating, although a bit bleak, still recommend it but you have to be in a good mood)
The 'final' end of the year has many festivities planned, so this might be my last post before 2023! Cool things to look forward to in the coming days with friends.

I really want to keep it up. I know I can do 30, 90 days! Thanks so much to this forum for the support and platform it gave me in the last month. I feel like I made a lot of progress. And... apologies for this extra long post hehe!

And a Happy New Year from the Alps!
View attachment 930

Excellent reflections man. It’s really great how much gratitude and self awareness you cultivate about your process and your daily life with journaling, lists and so on. I think in addition to all the insights you listed, these techniques and mindfulness in general speak to your success. Seeing you do this well with them is inspiring me to take them more seriously (I’ve been putting it off).

Wishing you a very happy new year in the alps with festivities and friends. I look forward to hearing how things are going when you circle back!
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Day 18
▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

Busy end of the year festivities! Had loads of fun with friends to celebrate the end of 2022.

No urges. Enjoying it. Feeling motivated by other things still. My body feels great. Injuries are gone. Feeling balanced and powerful.

I can't help but think that the longer I'm away from porn, the better my body and mind feel, as the two are connected.

I've got a 'date' later in the week. And going back to the big city for a few days this weekend, where I'll see friends and also reconnect with the girl I met last time I was there... :)
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Day 19
▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

Good, productive day! Took some time to see a physiotherapist (which I’ll do weekly now) for my injuries. Good way to take care of my body in the long term (fix these little things that I’m living with!)

Went to the pool, third time in three weeks. Decided it was a nice activity for recovery days! Makes me feel good, yet it’s soft impact. Good for the mind too.

Back to work after a long time off. Motivated about the challenges ahead. I’m feeling this time off porn and masturbation is helping me be more focused, my energy feels funnelled in the right places at the right time.

Very close to 3 weeks off PMO, which hasn’t happened in a while. Let’s keep it up.
 

TypeN

Active Member
That's a good call on the physio, I need to see one myself. Like you say, it will keep you healthy long-term, but also help you to avoid those frustrating injures. How will they be helping you each week?

Great job getting this far. And good luck with your date/ladyfriend. 😁
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Day 21
▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

3 weeks! Yays!

Busy two days. Leaving for the big city for four days tonight. I'm trying to make it a balanced trip. Trying to spend some quality time with friends. Trying to get some work done. And also trying to do some physical stuff (bouldering it will be!).

I know I will perhaps get a chance for "real" sex in the coming days. Not sure I want to yet. Will see how I feel about it. I actually like that stage where I'm at, I do feel like I'm "cleaning" up my brain of the porn / MO fog with being far away, time-wise, from any form of PMO. About real sex, I might want to wait until it really feels appropriate (unless the desire is there when it happens). If the desire isn't there, I'll need the courage and diplomacy to say "sorry, I'm not feeling like it at the moment, but I'm happy with cuddling, hope you are too".
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Day 24
▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇ ▇▇ ▇ ← I'm here!

Hello from the big city.

Had a wet dream two days ago (in blue). It was actually really nice. The dream wasn't porn related, it was quite enjoyable. Woke up feeling good! Just looked at a YourBrainOnPorn article about wet dreams, and to me, I agree with those considering them as a natural way to achieve balance (see quote below), it's simply our bodies, after a little more than two weeks, releasing some tensions, fluids. I especially liked that it was a dream of me having good, realistic and sensual sex.

What a guy said:
The best part about my wet dreams was that it helped in creating a balance which I could never experienced before. Timely orgasms with ejaculation provided by nature. It felt so good as I just went in with the natural flow. It’s amazing how your body takes care of itself.

That is how I feel. If it had been a porn-related sex dream, I would have experienced it much differently. I did felt a little groggy the day after since of course, my body released a lot of tension/energy. Plus, I am in the big city where I'm less stimulated by mountain-related activities. But I see this wet dream (and accept it) as a way to balance these tensions within. Also, the fact that the dream was my own sensual imagination shows that my brain is finding 'real-life' situations arousing again! It is rewiring itself to liking realistic situations!

Otherwise, doing good. Seeing friends. Enjoying what the city has to offer: FOOD, CULTURE and OLD FRIENDS. Feeling grateful that I can jump from one life (mountains) to the other (city).

Finally, I'll probably stick to a simple date with that friend I'm seeing later today, I still want to avoid real sex until my body and mind feel ready and more rewired :)
 
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