Hopeful for better days ahead

Hi everyone! I never thought I’d be posting a journal about my porn addiction, because I have been lying to myself and everyone else for the last 40+ years. My anxiety is off the charts as I write this, so I hope I am making sense. It is so scary to admit how I powerless I became, and I am ashamed to admit I avoided this moment for so long.

It took my wife threatening to throw me out and to possibly lose my family (I may still) for me to get serious and get help. I’ve been In therapy for over a year now for anxiety and depression, but neglected to discuss what was causing it all - my addiction/my escape.

Everything started was I was around 10 or so and was introduced to porn and alcohol by an older family member, who eventually began sexually abusing me as well. I am finally facing that for the first time too. The addiction took a hold of me through magazines at first, then phone sex, then websites, and then video. I always thought I could stop, but eventually came back and was more reckless.

Over time my self-hate has resulted in me not taking care of myself, becoming closed off, avoiding old friends, and genuinely not being happy. All while having a wonderful family, wife, job, etc. I have everything I ever wanted, but wasn’t happy. I was too busy keeping track of my lies and deceit.

It has been nearly two weeks of reboot and I am happy about that, but I am still so ashamed of myself, upset that I waited so long, and scared of losing everything. I know I need to think positively that I am helping myself, but I’m struggling to get there.

Thank you all for listening. I know it’s probably a tale you’ve heard before, but it does feel good to get it out. As my name says, I am hopeful to rid myself of this and be happy again.
 
Another day of no porn - nothing for 13 days to be exact, and while I’m proud of that, I can’t shake this hollow feeling that has over taken me. I went on my first zoom support group today, but was too afraid to speak up, even though everyone else was so open and supportive. I feel so stupid for being here at this point of my life and for inflicting great pain on my wife. I want to move forward, but the shame, embarrassment, and guilt have a hold on me.

I’m already seeing a therapist, been trying to eliminate triggers, reading a lot about porn addiction and recovery, starting to try support groups, journaling. Am I missing anything? Where else should I start?
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
I’m already seeing a therapist, been trying to eliminate triggers, reading a lot about porn addiction and recovery, starting to try support groups, journaling. Am I missing anything? Where else should I start?
Welcome @Strength from Despair, we all ask ourselves ‘how did I get here’, but the most important part is, that you are here now, finally facing this.
It sounds like you are doing lots of great stuff, I think it’s really important to ‘work’ on yourself, it will help to strengthen your centre of self which has been lost in the addiction and shame cycle.
Reignite passion for hobbies, or find new activities, exercise, get plenty of sleep, feed your body with nourish food, discover meditation…… seriously I could write all day about the positive stuff. Develop new selfcare rituals, go to a traditional Barber for a professional shave, soak in the bathtub with some nice candles, book a treatment, try yoga, get out in nature…… get out of your mind and in to your body.

Try to deal with the Shame, it will be the one thing that will draw you back to porn and the negative cycle. If you like to read or listen to audiobooks (my fav) Brene Brown has some great books about Shame, which are well worth a read.

Lastly, if you still love your Wife and want to keep your family together, reach for her and fight with everything you have to save your marriage.

Good luck with your journey🥰 hope some of that gives you food for thought.
 
Last edited:
Beautiful1973 - thank you! Great advice! It’s like you know me. Self-care has been such a struggle for me, but I think it all stems from my shame and disappointment in myself. I will continue to work there. I really appreciate your response.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
You’re welcome, self care is one way that you can reconnect with yourself, which is a big factor in overcoming this addiction.
I was in love with someone just like you, so maybe you could say that I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
Thought you might enjoy this:
 
Top