My trial again
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Every sex addict lands on the couch with a complex past of abuse and neglect or chronic Internet pornography use that has formed and deformed his or her nervous system's regulatory capacities and perverted free, delightful desire into shameful, depressing dependence. Choice, ideals, values, and integrity dissolve in the acid of addiction as it temporarily neutralizes hurt. When neurobiologically programmed patterns collude with our highly sexualized culture, the social environment lends a hand to shape brains and sexual mores - usually in nonrelational and unhealthy ways. - AK. Counter 46
My dissociation has kept me away from my feelings. It has kept me away from feeling my feelings. It has kept me dead. Porn was the respite, and it made me more dead. Sobriety gives you the break to see this. Now I think I am a kid who knows nothing about feelings. But I feel them now, however I don't know how to respond to them. It is uncomfortable, but the only way out of my unmanageability. The lucky number 51 here. Counter 51.
The unconditional love, we got from porn is a fantasy. Real love is relational, conditional and human. Real love is relational - is between people not with pixels. Real love is conditional - is between people who are responsible respectful to each others - unlike derogatory and exploitative porn. Real love is human - it is faulty, it is imperfect unlike the perfection we see in porn. Counter 54
what is energy circulation exercises?
For centuries, men from different cultures have developed exercises for keeping their sexual cravings in check. My first introduction to them was in Mantak Chia's book "Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy." You could also look up "testicle breathing."
Feeling the feeling is a term I had heard before. But I started to really do it. I, now, sit with the feeling wheel in the middle of the day and try to understand what I am feeling. It really is so different than what I had thought of. It is almost as if I don't really know what is going on within me. The wheel helps me give names to it. I also see multitude of feelings at the same time, generally associated with what is going on in my life. Counter 60
Today was a stressful day for me. But I did not feel it as a trigger. An year ago I know I would have done what. The idea of feeling the feeling is so central to this discovery process. I evaluated myself. I found I was disappointed at a professional rejection. There is no escape to it. what is, is. Thankful for the insight by Alex. Counter 62
I noticed today that I no longer have an urge to come update my counter every day, and look for who responded or not. I am thankful for every input though. Last time my count keeping was so consuming that I will abstaining just for the count. I feel that keep current witch who I love, takes so much baggage out of the back. I don't feel I have to spend all my time keeping my secrets. This feel very liberating. Counter 65
Today was a day of so much self doubt, slight triggers and dull moments. The 'dead phase' as they call it might be striking now after a couple of months! I keep thinking about if what I want is what I truly like or just an influence of what I have been watching for so long? It seems to me I have lost myself, and what I really want somewhere in the labyrinth of those pixels. I feel clueless discriminating reality from virtual influence. It is so confusing. But one day at a time. Let's see where the mind is tomorrow. Counter 68