Signs he is watching and lying about it?

Anon22

Member
update: I brought it up to him that I have some suspicions that he has relapsed. It has been met with extreme annoyance, he said he is pissed off that I would even think/or believe that. That he apparently “can’t do anything”.
Overall just seems over it and over me for checking in tbh.

my gut feeling has been pulling at me like crazy lately. He’s had random bouts of ED, low libido and not initiating often, being overly nice?
What were some for sure signs that your partner had relapsed and was hiding it?
Or if you’re the partner who relapsed, what actions did you present and what did you do to try to keep your partner in the dark?
Thanks guys.
 
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joepanic

Respected Member
Never kept my partner in the dark ever. Never experienced Ed of any sort. And I have always had to initiate even though she knew it bothered me. Not all of us were liars and cheats. Not all of us neglected our partners and not all of our partners had an issue with us surfing porn.

Post often it helps me it helps you
 

Anon22

Member
Never kept my partner in the dark ever. Never experienced Ed of any sort. And I have always had to initiate even though she knew it bothered me. Not all of us were liars and cheats. Not all of us neglected our partners and not all of our partners had an issue with us surfing porn.

Post often it helps me it helps you
I initiate 90% of the time. It kind of becomes exhausting.
I’m really glad to hear that some of you are straight forward and honest and don’t lie to your partner about it, as that creates so many more issues.
 

TipToe40

Member
my gut feeling has been pulling at me like crazy lately. He’s had random bouts of ED, low libido and not initiating often, being overly nice?
What were some for sure signs that your partner had relapsed and was hiding it?
Or if you’re the partner who relapsed, what actions did you present and what did you do to try to keep your partner in the dark?
Thanks guys.
my gut feeling has been pulling at me like crazy lately. He’s had random bouts of ED, low libido and not initiating often, being overly nice?
What were some for sure signs that your partner had relapsed and was hiding it?
Or if you’re the partner who relapsed, what actions did you present and what did you do to try to keep your partner in the dark?
Thanks guys.
my gut feeling has been pulling at me like crazy lately. He’s had random bouts of ED, low libido and not initiating often, being overly nice?
What were some for sure signs that your partner had relapsed and was hiding it?
Or if you’re the partner who relapsed, what actions did you present and what did you do to try to keep your partner in the dark?
Thanks guys.
I’m gonna be truthful here. I had a lot of slip ups on my porn sobriety journey and was always too scared to tell my wife about it. I always figured it would cause more grief than good. And it would cause her to not trust me even more even though if I’m bein honest, I didn’t deserve her trust. During that time my ED reared it’s ugly head again. And of course with me relapsing, I didn’t want to have as much sex. So I lied to my poor wife and told her my sex drive was being effected by this flat line period. But in all honesty, it was my fault for giving porn my sexual energy instead of her. I take full responsibility now as should yours if that is undead what he’s doing. That’s just my two cents but it doesn’t mean that’s what’s going on with yours. Take it with a grain of salt. My wife caught me again with one of those accountability apps that shows what I was lookin at online. I fessed up and am tryin to be a good boy now.
 

Chhow

New Member
Often, if you think - then you do not think. Any addict who has snapped will deny it. He will look for excuses that he himself will believe. I do not know how to behave with such people, because they lie even to themselves.
Another sign of relapse is the smell of semen in the air. I have a keen sense of smell, and I feel very good about such things.
 
update: I brought it up to him that I have some suspicions that he has relapsed. It has been met with extreme annoyance, he said he’s is pissed off that I would even think/or believe that. That he apparently “can’t do anything”.
Overall just seems over it and over me for checking in tbh.

my gut feeling has been pulling at me like crazy lately. He’s had random bouts of ED, low libido and not initiating often, being overly nice?
What were some for sure signs that your partner had relapsed and was hiding it?
Or if you’re the partner who relapsed, what actions did you present and what did you do to try to keep your partner in the dark?
Thanks guys.

I made a list of excuses for using. Sounds like he has relapsed. Trust your gut instinct, or you will forever question yourself.

Owning My Behavior

Edit: Corrected link to post.
 
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seano

Member
update: I brought it up to him that I have some suspicions that he has relapsed. It has been met with extreme annoyance, he said he’s is pissed off that I would even think/or believe that. That he apparently “can’t do anything”.
Overall just seems over it and over me for checking in tbh.
Again, this is very similar behavior that I have exhibited when I relapsed. I didn't realize it at the time, but with my gf having a strong feeling I was using and me lying and getting upset at her, I was gaslighting her to not believe and trust herself. I wasn't intentionally doing this. I was trying to protect myself. Still, I was causing harm to her mental state. Addictions suck for those addicted and for loved ones. Sorry you're going through this
 

Anon22

Member
Again, this is very similar behavior that I have exhibited when I relapsed. I didn't realize it at the time, but with my gf having a strong feeling I was using and me lying and getting upset at her, I was gaslighting her to not believe and trust herself. I wasn't intentionally doing this. I was trying to protect myself. Still, I was causing harm to her mental state. Addictions suck for those addicted and for loved ones. Sorry you're going through this
Thank you. It does really suck, the gaslighting, lying etc. does make it feel like I can’t even trust myself. It makes you feel crazy, especially when they try to make you feel bad for even thinking they relapsed. I want to believe him, but given his track record I cannot take his word for it. Being in such a high stress state from this for 5 years has absolutely wreaked havoc on my mental health.
 
Sadly at this point I can’t even trust my own gut instincts. I’m already forever questioning myself. I guess that’s what happens with lying and gaslighting someone for so long 😩
Even without the lying or gaslighting, trust is fragile. I understand that everyone's betrayal recovery is unique. I'd like to encourage you to keep believing in yourself, regardless of how you feel, your situation, or your circumstances.
 

ImBroken

Member
If you feel like discussing with him - show him some of the most common effects that a significant other goes through after a betrayal like this. One of them is paranoia and constant checking. I have not experienced this - but it is really common - just google betrayal trauma. If he cannot show up for the damage he has caused or inflicted upon you…well….
While my spouse is working on HIS recovery - I am focusing on me - I will no longer take a backseat to porn or masturbation from ANY living being now or in my future.
 

Anon22

Member
If you feel like discussing with him - show him some of the most common effects that a significant other goes through after a betrayal like this. One of them is paranoia and constant checking. I have not experienced this - but it is really common - just google betrayal trauma. If he cannot show up for the damage he has caused or inflicted upon you…well….
While my spouse is working on HIS recovery - I am focusing on me - I will no longer take a backseat to porn or masturbation from ANY living being now or in my future.
I’ve tried to explain to him that I have betrayal trauma, I’ve asked him to do some research on it so he will have more perspective of why I’m acting the way I do.
He did look into it, but in the end he basically said that I need to work on myself to heal the trauma and while I know that is true, I also know he needs to be holding space for me and all my feelings and need for validation. Sometimes it feels like he tries to shift the blame on me, and gets irritated that I’m still struggling even though he’s been “sober”.
This whole thing is just fucking unfair tbh.
 

ImBroken

Member
I’ve tried to explain to him that I have betrayal trauma, I’ve asked him to do some research on it so he will have more perspective of why I’m acting the way I do.
He did look into it, but in the end he basically said that I need to work on myself to heal the trauma and while I know that is true, I also know he needs to be holding space for me and all my feelings and need for validation. Sometimes it feels like he tries to shift the blame on me, and gets irritated that I’m still struggling even though he’s been “sober”.
This whole thing is just fucking unfair tbh.
@Anon22 - I just posted an update on ME in a new thread for significant others - I could agree with you more - it is all fucking unfair. Praying for you - I hope your S.O. starts to own the damage HE caused YOU. I hope my update on myself can give you some direction or comfort - I am at least free, temporarily from my own HEAD. Life is for the living - and that is what I want to do. Please keep us posted - DM me if you wanna talk - bottom line - we deserve to be loved the way we want to be loved.
 

mrsturtle

Member
I’ve lived through the nightmare of my husband’s porn addiction since 1997 when the internet came into our home. It’s a very long story but suffice it to say everything you are going through is very common for SO’s. My husband never once fessed up through all those years. I always caught him. He became a master of hiding it, gaslighting me and his bold faced lies to me were believed by me for decades. The one thing that couldn’t lie was his penis and ability to become aroused. His penis is my barometer. Limp and struggling to become and remain hard equals PMO. Now that we’ve experienced a couple of years of his sobriety, ( there were other long spells of sobriety through the years) I realize how stupid I was to not have known he was lying. Even though we’re in our mid and late 60’s, our sex life is as good or better than when we met in 1989, as long as PMO stays out of our marriage. When he stopped PMO I was in shock for a very long time in how actually horny he truly is. He had wasted so much of our precious sexual energy chasing tail on the internet. It still saddens me deeply. May I ask what if any porn blockers you have in place in your home? It took me a while to figure out how to block it from our home. I will also add: if he become annoyed with you for asking about his PMO, I would see that as a red flag, as well as his ED. If I have the slightest suspicion now, my husband in extremely understanding and always remorseful and we talk about it. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It is a horrible thing to bear.
 
One more thing: ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS AND INTUITION! Gaslighting does a number on that.
I will always advocate for this statement. When you catch an addict and they either gaslight or lie, our or your natural instinct is to call them out, but we or you want to believe with all your heart that they are telling the truth and continue on down the road of life.
Sounds like he has relapsed. Trust your gut instinct, or you will forever question yourself.
 

GumChewing

New Member
One more thing: ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS AND INTUITION! Gaslighting does a number on that.
The gaslighting, sneakiness and lying is devastating. As a SO I have been manipulated by my partner and fell down the rabbit hole three times. But the fourth time he said that Porn addiction doesn't exist. That was the end of falling for any more of his mental gymnastics. I said p is fine to use and he was welcome to use it, but wouldn't be welcome to being with me. He used it in bed (PMO) while I was asleep beside him.
 
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