Hardwired from self-destruct

iwander

Member
Hello there! I've read some stories on forum and I guess my story isn't so special as I thought. I've started watching porn since I was 13-14 and now I am 24, so it's about a decade now. In my case I didn't really search for it or was curious but stumbled upon it when I was doing my school project (no kidding). I guess got kinda hooked up and started to return to it day after day watching naked women showing things I never seen before that aroused me in strange way. I can say that about this age I started to be more socially awkward and shy, so maybe it's connected i don't know. When I was searching for it after I didn't go directly like googling porn, but rather try to find sideways making it seem that I am not searching for porn (like googling anime and going to hentai or porn that what I mean), but who am I kidding. I am still doing it that way most of the time. Well, as time went on I can still see changes it took on me: awkwardness, daily anxiety, low motivation skin problems etc. Never really had a girlfriend, although had few a chances. I guess my lowest point was when I watched porn and masturbated at work in the bathroom (several times actually), just couldn't help myself. Over time I tried to quit porn on my own I don't now how many times, but 1-2 weeks or a month (my best record) something would set me off and I come back to the same pattern. I tried to do it on my on, I really did. But failed all the same. Lately I've become a fan of one great book "No more Mr Nice guy" by Dr Glover (it covers porn addiction and masturbation problem too) which I recommend I every man who is still reading this post. There was a thought that if you going to do something the same way you going to end up with the same results. Another is that if you want to recover for porn addiction you should open up about your addiction to someone, get support or help. I've never before tried to communicate with other people about my problem, you know shame and all. So I am going to try to do this differently this time. I found that community very supportive and informative and I gladly joined. I am planning to start 3 months of rebooting (no porn, masturbation)

That's what I am going to do during my 3 months period:
1. Blog posts every day about my success (even if it's just a few words)
2. Read stories of other people people and interact with other members
3. Believe in myself

Well I guess that's it. Oh, by the way it was my first day - on my experience the easiest of days, but still. If someone want's to share your stories put your links in comments, I am will read it and support you as well. Thanks for reading and I will see you on the top of the mountain!
 
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iwander

Member
Well it's my second day today. Had a little mood swing today and was a little overwhelmed by my tasks and study. Had a few sexual thoughts today, anything particular and it didn't last long. I was tempted for a moment to search porn on my phone like I usually do but I overcame it and carried on. Read a few success stories on the forum and I still reading the start page about behavioral and chemical addiction. I still keep going
 

iwander

Member
# Day three.
It was quite buisy day for me. I threw myself to work and responsibilities. It all went pretty good did almost everything I wanted in my todo list. So I am pretty pleased about myself today. Had only few thoughts about pornstars I tried to remember, but stopped and continued to do my business. Don't feel any changes or strong urges yet. My fight is still ahead but I am going to keep it up!
 
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iwander

Member
Day four
I am already a little tired from this week (it's Thursday). Noticed that when I try to relax lying on couch I started fantasizing again about a girl I met not long ago, that was interested in me. All day I really had a trouble concentrating at work. Day four is kind of a break point for me, on or after that day I could be really tempted to go full PMO. I am looking forward for weekends, because I am already tired, but nervous because on weekends it's easier for me to slip. You are relaxed and sure why not to get some pleasure, you know. Well anyway. I try to socialize these days, stay positive and watching spiritual videos, they give me some comfort. I think it was a good idea to start this thread, it gives you a little confidence about you and acceptance of your weaknesses. Hope that I can openly laugh about it someday and tell about all this to someone I know. It is really shame about that keeps us locked in this cage we built ourselves. Well, more days ahead I moving slowly but steady, no rush in that
 

iwander

Member
Day five
It was quite difficult for me today to be honest. I had all kinds of sexual thoughts today from the moment I woke up and during work. I think it was even more then for the last 4 days combined. Had a lot of trouble concentrating on the way through my daily routine. However even in that condition I didn't think about going to watching porn. I am trying some new things lately, which is the right way to break the porn addiction (according to the
). So I am still being positive and I make plans for my life and development, even though not everything is going were I want it to. But it's good to say that this is the end of the day five
 

iwander

Member
Day six
It was a wonderful day for me. I am exhausted but happy. Going to write more tomorrow, because I really want to sleep. No PMO and life is still great
 

iwander

Member
Day 7
Today was a real challenge. I took a day off from my daily duties and I was mostly all by myself this day. This urge to watch porn and masturbate came to me wile I was relaxing and daydreaming on a couch. It's like I suddenly have a lot more energy but all dedicated to PMO. It took over my body slowly. Various thoughts came to me like "common you deserved it", "nothing big you just gonna fill better", "what's that pornstar name was". Some unfortunate events happened in my life lately , probably that is why it triggered this reaction. I am still kinda shaking and feeling unwell. But I did it. One week without PMO. Still a long way ahead.
 

iwander

Member
Day 8
- It's getting harder
- That's what she said.
No seriously it is getting harder for me. It is like when I meet a challenge or a trouble I starting to become really tempted to fall back to the old ways. No PMO today, but still doesn't fell like winning today. I feel like I need to become more disciplined in my life, get it straight and starting living
 
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Congrats on day 8. I just made it to day 1, which pathetic as it sounds, is an actual accomplishment for me.

Checkout Divid Goggins' recent podcast with Joe Rogan. This man is an animal. I felt super inspired and motivated to be disciplined after watching. Maybe you'll like it.
 

iwander

Member
Congrats on day 8. I just made it to day 1, which pathetic as it sounds, is an actual accomplishment for me.

Checkout Divid Goggins' recent podcast with Joe Rogan. This man is an animal. I felt super inspired and motivated to be disciplined after watching. Maybe you'll like it.
Thanks for the recommendation, I love Joe Rogan podcasts. I feel I could use some motivation right now)

I don't think that anyone here thinks day 1 is pathetic at all. Countless times day 1 was a struggle to me when I tried to quit and failed. Sometimes even now it feels like day 1, but this thread reminds me of the way I am walking. That is why I am even looking forward to write another post here and read other stories by the end of the day
 
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iwander

Member
Day 9
End of passion play,
Crumbling away
I'm your source of self-destruction

Veins that pump with fear,
Sucking darkest clear
Leading on your death's construction

Taste me you will see
More is all you need
Dedicated to
How I'm killing you
(Master of Puppets, Metallica)

I like to refer to addiction as it's presented in Metallica's famous song Master of Puppets. Evil entity that wants to take control over you, leading you to misery and death. Today I had sexual thoughts since the moment I woke up and couldn't quite concentrate on my work. The urge was growing like an itch and it was driving me insane. At some moment I decided to take a pillow and scream into it for some time. It's a good trick to stop showing self-pity and start taking action. Some times you need to fight inside yourself screaming and pushing (especially with foe like this), like people do in sport. Anger beats Sadness. Calm beats Anger. Happiness beats Calm. I remembered one think I forgot. It's much better idea not to fight against your emotions but accept it. To tell yourself that you have a right to be angry or sad or hurt. Understand it, feel it. And after that you can move on with a more clearer perspective on what to do. No PMO today, it's wasn't easy and it's not gonna be for some time. I accept it. I know I can take it.

P.S. Accountability Partner Wanted, payment is the same duty
 
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iwander

Member
Day 10
One and zero! Still having mood swings a urges for PMO but I am handling it much better now. Trying to avoid triggers at all cost. My face skin looks a little better in the mirror I think. That is a good change for me
 
Nice job man! I just relapsed after 2.5 days and feel like an idiot for it. You fighting and succeeding gives is inspiring. I'm real addicted, current goal is 3 days. Interesting how you feel like you look better after a streak gets going on nofap. I could certainly use that.
 

iwander

Member
Day 11
Stayed up till 1:30 last night playing GTA V. Overslept my work in the morning because of that and felt unmotivated and exhausted till lunch. I should be careful not to do this again, also feels like my brain is searching for substitute for PMO. Lately I am often daydreaming about girl I kinda like that I met not so long ago. I guess it's a good thing that I am not thinking lately about pornstars, but someone I know. However it would be great if my mind would be not so fixated on sex when it's just not in my life right now, that's sounds a lot healthier. No PMO
 
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iwander

Member
Day 12
Well another day in my favor, didn't do everything I wanted today, feeling a little unmotivated these days. Handling myself much better now when I stay alone, that is a good thing. A little tired from the week although not much happened in my life. Took a long walk today to breath a fresh air and walk my thoughts, because I missed a lot of physical activity, hope I can catch up on weekends. Gonna make a plan for the next month and my education too. Peace dudes! No PMO
 

iwander

Member
Day 13
It was a good day I would say. I almost had no sexual thoughts, didn't even think that I had a problem with PMO. I felt a little lazy and unmotivated in the morning but I did a yoga class and after that I had a great boost of energy. Started taking action of my problems that I didn't even want to start solving. Watched a movie with friends and made some plans for tomorrow. I can say that physical activities do give me a boost of energy for life and put me in a better mood. Gonna try to discipline myself do more of that throughout next week. No PMO
P.S. Merry Christmas everybody! Stay safe and connect more with your friends and family
 

dantes993

Member
Another is that if you want to recover for porn addiction you should open up about your addiction to someone, get support or help. I've never before tried to communicate with other people about my problem, you know shame and all.

Basically me on the previous years, and I do hope there'll be a change by using this forum. Hopefully I could learn or inspired from you as well, and nice to meeting you, Merry Christmas as well!
 
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