Hardwired from self-destruct

iwander

Member
Day 25
Day was a total bust. Looks like I forgot everything I learned about my addiction and fight. My mind is a complete mess clouded and has no desires for anything in this world. I feel like I am completely out of reality. There is a good thing however, I remembered how everything connected to P is fake, how it easy to slip, how your mind makes excuses for more and more. Feel like I need to accept my fall. I'll try to do good for me the next day: walking and listening to music that should cheer me up. I still fill a little weak and have no joy but it is usually passes. So I hope I can get on my feet pretty soon
 

iwander

Member
Day 26-27
I completely fell back to the old habits. In my way I hit total rock bottom. Did PMO 4 times for the last 3 days. I have a very little motivation to do anything to improve my life and this makes me sick. At this point I am just trying to hit day one. And as I promised I am going reset my counter, hopefully tomorow. This time I will be using spreadsheet I found on other forum https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1xPMpKBbjdKpW6Lo3C-F1Lln25rpwL-ZTmYbC0X1XXsk/edit#gid=0
 

TypeN

Active Member
Try to be kind to yourself man. I’ve been where you are (all too recently, I might add). If it were easy in moments like this we would never have become addicted. But you can get back on the horse; after all, you were 20+ days clean. Don't beat yourself up, and when you can, maybe take some time to actively plan how you’re going to start this next streak. For example, what are some little habits you can start your morning with to set a good tone each day (meditation, exercise, a nice meal)? What have you learned this time that you didn’t know last time? What will you do differently this time? Things like this. And then think about sharing those with us and making a fresh commitment to staying clean.

Stay positive, for guys like us the journey is just beginning! So of course we will stumble.
 

iwander

Member
Day 1
Today I went for a trip, had big walks and nice meals. I like traveling on plane, it just makes you sit and talk to yourself, You have nowhere to go and you think about your life. Stayed clean today, was thinking positive and was looking for opportunities around for me and my growth. Joined a group of people that try to wake up early (I mean 5 am every day). I am at ease right now, gonna meet my family soon. Peace you all!
 

TypeN

Active Member
Good stuff bud. Being at ease and connecting with the people you care about is what it's all about. You got this!

I need to start waking up early myself ... It's the best time of the day for me to lift, but the mental block of resetting my sleep cycle is intimidating. Good on you for making that commitment.
 

iwander

Member
Day 3
Had a problem concentrating that day. My motivation is at low point, can't really put any goals and have no drive to accomplish them. Watched some P images (without MO), just because. Went for 30-minutes run and felt fine after that. Had a really good mood after the short-run, I hope I can build a daily routine out of it
 

Simon2

Active Member
That's normal. Might last a few weeks. It's a sign that your body is reacting to the reboot. Embrace it and persevere! Routine is great, but don't include any P in it all all. It will only drag out the process of rebooting...

Remember: the worse you feel the more the reboot is doing its job. From all that pain will come the recovery. There can't be recovery without pain sadly - that's the nature of addiction.
 

iwander

Member
Day 4
Felt week and unmotivated that day. Did PMO I think just out of boredom. Went for a walk in the evening - the wisest thing I did that day (I didn't want to write this yesterday so I fill in today)
 
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iwander

Member
Day 5
Today was a clean day for me. I realized that quick pleasure actions hijacked my dopamine system during New Years weekends. I recall that I am starting seeking for something pleasurable before or after work as motivation. This screwed me up a little and my reflection about myself. I think with knowledge about how brain works it is possible to beat our weaknesses. But I completely forgot my lessons and what I learned during my first period, so that's on me. Now I can say that I am back on track. Thanks to all for support! Today was a clean day. I am tired today and I am grateful to that. NO PMO
 

iwander

Member
Day 6
Was a clean day, not most productive one but I managed to get up early today. Took a long walk and met a new friend today. No PMO today
 

iwander

Member
Day 7
Day was easy going: I got up late, watched some educational videos, bought some new clothes and took a long walk. Stayed late watching Tv series (which is bad). Also didn't fill my journal that day. Stayed clean though. No PMO
 

iwander

Member
Day 8
Was a pretty good day. I got up late but had a nice walk before even having a breakfast. I made a friend today, we talked about music and stuff. Watched this video
about dopamine effects, had some good insights too. Even I started slow today, but finished on a higher note with more self esteem and mood. Today was 4 day with NO PMO
 
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iwander

Member
Day 9
Overslept today, but I had a somewhat productive first half of the day during work time. I was doing fasting (something I do at lease once a month) today, so I was a low energy. I felt a little under the weather today, running nose and soaring throughout was a pain in the ass I felt aroused during the day. I held the defense during the work, but when I took a break I did PMO. It started as usual with me while doing a side search, until the border was so far it felt there was no return. I can say that I felt pain or some sort but couldn't overcome it this time. Although I can say that I am doing a little bet better: doing my daily duties and tasks in my todo-list. Another good point that my last streak was 4 days, while this took 5 days. Another positive sign is that I am again writing my posts in the evening instead of on the other day. Gonna make this my routine again. I am intend to hold until the end of the week. Another good video that I found about addictions
Interesting talk, I recommend to watch
 

iwander

Member
Day 10
Was a little bit sick today, so I am gonna be short. Was a little sick today, somewhat productive but could be better. Met an old friend and made a smart choice about one purchase. Stayed clean. NO PMO today
 

iwander

Member
Day 11 - 12
I got sick and I took two days off from my work. Didn't do much these days, but helped me reflect me about my life and decisions I make because of what I am where I am. Was still a little tempted yesterday, but I tried to look at myself from above and tried to explain what's happening to me. So I got over it. Gonna start training and running again when I fully recover. Peace dudes! NO PMO
 

Trisquel

Member
That's normal. Might last a few weeks. It's a sign that your body is reacting to the reboot. Embrace it and persevere! Routine is great, but don't include any P in it all all. It will only drag out the process of rebooting...

Remember: the worse you feel the more the reboot is doing its job. From all that pain will come the recovery. There can't be recovery without pain sadly - that's the nature of addiction.
Thanks, this is useful to read
 

Trisquel

Member
Day 11 - 12
I got sick and I took two days off from my work. Didn't do much these days, but helped me reflect me about my life and decisions I make because of what I am where I am. Was still a little tempted yesterday, but I tried to look at myself from above and tried to explain what's happening to me. So I got over it. Gonna start training and running again when I fully recover. Peace dudes! NO PMO
Good progress! Good luck in your recovery, it´s uneasy at times, but that means is working.
Exercise is deffinitly helpful, I´m trying to do it more.

Peace!
 
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