Hardwired from self-destruct

iwander

Member
Day 13
(If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging, Will Rogers)

Day was a bust, I had a little sleep the night before, because stayed playing video games. And as a result in the morning I had completely no motivation to do my work properly, which I am currently slacking of. Anyway I did PMO twice that day, felt like an idiot. Now I am unmotivated, my self esteem is in all time low. I think I am just lost belief in that I can overcome this and in the system. Probably I am doing something wrong. I think it's a reason to try new approach.
 

Trisquel

Member
Hey man, it happens from time to time, is no reason to give up at all, but to try again!
I like the positive twist you give, that's it!

Today I'm trying that myself, as I am in a similar spot at the moment. But has happened before and will go away soon, I know.
Peace
 

Hunter_

Member
Day 13
(If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging, Will Rogers)

Day was a bust, I had a little sleep the night before, because stayed playing video games. And as a result in the morning I had completely no motivation to do my work properly, which I am currently slacking of. Anyway I did PMO twice that day, felt like an idiot. Now I am unmotivated, my self esteem is in all time low. I think I am just lost belief in that I can overcome this and in the system. Probably I am doing something wrong. I think it's a reason to try new approach.
This happens in reboot. Be strong, just remember the reason you want to leave this addiction.
Believe in the process. Learn from the mistake, understand your urges.
We can make it . Believe,become.
 
Day 13
(If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging, Will Rogers)

Day was a bust, I had a little sleep the night before, because stayed playing video games. And as a result in the morning I had completely no motivation to do my work properly, which I am currently slacking of. Anyway I did PMO twice that day, felt like an idiot. Now I am unmotivated, my self esteem is in all time low. I think I am just lost belief in that I can overcome this and in the system. Probably I am doing something wrong. I think it's a reason to try new approach.
Hi iwander,
Looks like you and I are in the same boat. I think it's important sometimes to do things you need to do even if the motivation is not there. Like how David Goggins says sometimes he just doesn't feel like running, but does it anyways and doesn't wait for motivation to take action.

Good luck, I'm fighting the same fight as you.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Day 13
(If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging, Will Rogers)

Day was a bust, I had a little sleep the night before, because stayed playing video games. And as a result in the morning I had completely no motivation to do my work properly, which I am currently slacking of. Anyway I did PMO twice that day, felt like an idiot. Now I am unmotivated, my self esteem is in all time low. I think I am just lost belief in that I can overcome this and in the system. Probably I am doing something wrong. I think it's a reason to try new approach.

Stay strong man. I think you're right about trying something new. Any ideas about what you could do to encourage yourself?

I will say also, that I believe that this self-doubt is a direct part of our addiction. If you think about it, it makes sense. Our addicted self is a drug addict that wants to keep using its drug. What is more beneficial to that junkie than the attitude that he probably can't stop? After all, that attitude keeps us using the drug. And what's worse, it looks like rationalism: "I've failed, repeatedly, so I probably cannot succeed" doesn't sound totally unreasonable. Because it sounds rational, we can fool ourselves into believing that it is our rational brain telling us this story, rather than our addicted one. This is the case for me sometimes, maybe it is for you too. Just something to think about.
 

iwander

Member
Day 14-15

Did PMO today right after I woke up (usual way I did: started searching pics saying I can go back until I couldn't) and day was a wreck after that. This is the eight time this month. Thought about why and how I can't go out of relapse lately. Probably because I see my personal life and work life as a mess lately and looking for an "easy boost". Noticed lately thoughts which put me as a victim of circumstances and that is not good at all. I reread my blog from the beginning. It's funny almost as I was a completely different man - stronger, disciplined and more cheerful. I guess I need to learn from myself how to be that guy.

I also realized that it's almost a month and a half since I joined this forum. I learned a lot about honesty for that time: admitting your mistakes, habits, temptations, thoughts, falls and wins. Honesty is important, because we learn to see our actions more clearer and get different perspective from the community (it's the first step of 12 step program of addiction recovery). Faith (higher power or believing in yourself) is a second step, which is pillar for any victory. How we hurt people around us with addiction: family, loved ones, friends, colleges etc. And how we miss the good part of our live with beautiful opportunities. All that because we have a little or no energy to create a life we want, low self-esteem and confidence to actually do stuff. And on top of that we full of shame and fear that there will be no escape. Quite a picture, isn't it? However I do belive that this can be changed. Probably because we simply have no other choice but to make a stand and fight

I think I am ready to give another go to my reboot now. Also I am going to make the process a little gamified, but that's later. My target goal is the same 90 days without PMO, local goals will be as well (1, 3, 5, 7, 10, 14, 21, 30, 45, 60, 90).

Here you go a motivational video from academy award Anthony Hopkins

P.S. I am looking for accountability partner. That's something new I want to try. Minimum 10 days (to get up on my feet again), but if we both feel like it we can continue. What I want is checking on each other blogs and give support if needed every day or personal messages too. Here if you don't quite know what it is https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/359/
 

iwander

Member
Day 1
Spend day somewhat productive and clean, which is still a little progress. Went for a run today, which felt good. Meditated a while without any particular reason. Even started reading a book I always wanted to start. Had a little setback in the evening, by watching series more than I wanted. But overall fine. I am going early to sleep today. No PMO today. Peace!
 

iwander

Member
Day 2
Today was not a good for me. Feel a little disoriented from my goals and needs. I think it's the baggage that I dragged for a long time with me. I have a problem lately daydreaming more about the past than the future, which drags me from reality. Half of the day was productive, the other was not. Having low energy days for everything these days. Almost didn't have any sexual thoughts though. Trying to figure out what keeps me back and why am I distressed. Visited webinar today, gave advise to meditate and keeping journal for thoughts and feelings and stuff. Gonna try that. Fact that I came back today to write something is a plus sign I guess. NO PMO today
 

iwander

Member
Day 3
Today was kind of awakening day for me. I am feeling a lot better today. I was overwhelmed with my emotions, I took 15 minutes to meditate and took a brief walk and felt after that I felt a lot better than for the whole month. Also took time reading about self improvement which I didn't feel like doing lately. I am feeling desire to actually do stuff and that I am taking a step in the right direction. NO PMO today

Another thing about gamification of the reboot. I am going give myself a rank each time I hit a goal (like military rank). And demote my self 2 ranks below if I have a relapse. Right now I assign myself as Private (taking ranks from here https://www.military.com/army/enlisted-ranks.html)
 

iwander

Member
Day 4
Today I had struggles with sexual thoughts that kept coming in my head, so I wasn't productive as much as I wanted to. However I did do a few helpful things for me. I continue work on accepting my feelings and how some things make me feel or make me stressful and try to work on them. I am still on a bumpy road, but the direction in right. The weekends are coming so it will be probably tougher in some way, but I think I can survive them. NO PMO today
Good luck private iwander for building a bigger steak and abstaining from porn! I hope a little gamification helps :D
Thanks man! It probably sounds a little silly, but I'll try that this time so I can better accept and appreciate my wins over my addiction.
P.S This time I literally forgot to post, so I did it first thing in the morning.
 

iwander

Member
Day 5
Today I've struggled a little with all kind of sexual thoughts. Was tempted as hell, even thought about to throw up hands and get this good feeling. But didn't any of that. In fact I recognized my triggers and caught myself on thinking how it's not a PMO, but something less harmful so why not? Anyway day was enjoyable, I am doing well even though it still a struggle and I expect it to be for a while. Did a few yoga exercises I didn't do in a while, also took a long walk through the city. Day 5 achieved, that means I get a promotion to Private 2nd Class (yay). Next is 7 days
Watched this podcast with Andrew Huberman and Jordan Peterson
the guys I have mad respect for. I definitely recommend to watch.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Day 5
Today I've struggled a little with all kind of sexual thoughts. Was tempted as hell, even thought about to throw up hands and get this good feeling. But didn't any of that. In fact I recognized my triggers and caught myself on thinking how it's not a PMO, but something less harmful so why not? Anyway day was enjoyable, I am doing well even though it still a struggle and I expect it to be for a while. Did a few yoga exercises I didn't do in a while, also took a long walk through the city. Day 5 achieved, that means I get a promotion to Private 2nd Class (yay). Next is 7 days
Watched this podcast with Andrew Huberman and Jordan Peterson
the guys I have mad respect for. I definitely recommend to watch.

Congrats on your first promotion, Private 2nd Class iwander. 👏
 

iwander

Member
Day 6
Well today I had plenty of sexual thoughts and triggers that were just right there waiting to be clicked. Somehow I managed not to do it. Had a long walk today and did a few social interactions. Today also was my birthday and I am turning 25, so I am glad I have held this long and being "sober". Still a long way to go for me, decade addiction doesn't go away after few weeks. Well my wish for that age is that I finally put aside my addiction and begin living full life I always wanted to.
 

Simon2

Active Member
I wish I had done it when I was 25. I tried starting from when I was 18... blew right past 25, and 35, but at 45 it may be sticking. Longest I ever quit at 25 was two weeks! ... so good for you! Keep it up and start a better life while still in your prime! :)
 

TypeN

Active Member
Day 6
Well today I had plenty of sexual thoughts and triggers that were just right there waiting to be clicked. Somehow I managed not to do it. Had a long walk today and did a few social interactions. Today also was my birthday and I am turning 25, so I am glad I have held this long and being "sober". Still a long way to go for me, decade addiction doesn't go away after few weeks. Well my wish for that age is that I finally put aside my addiction and begin living full life I always wanted to.
Happy belated birthday dude!! That's a great birthday wish. You've got this. 💪
 

iwander

Member
Day 7
Today was a mixed day. I had a productive moments and procrastination moments. Had a few sexual thoughts, but only little to go search it up online. I having difficulty with video games lately: staying longer than I want and in inappropriate times (something I want to control as well). I think I am beginning to build my confidence again though, at some moment I realized that I can actually keep my word on small things that have a huge effect.
Nevertheless I held one week on my own, I notice a little changes in myself as I continue. Right now the promotion is to Private first class, next goal is 10 days.

Thanks for congratulations @TypeN @Simon2, it warms my heart)
 

iwander

Member
Day 8
Today I did terrible. Well terrible is a one way to put it. The plane crashed into the mountains more like it. I had lack of sleep last night, because I played video games till late (3 am god damn it). So today I had completely lack of motivation to do anything and I had a headache. So when it hit me it hit me hard and I couldn't resist. Started from a simple search that was connected to PMO remotely. And than it began. I did PMO 3 times today. I felt terrible and I still do. I guess a lesson to me not to fuck with regular needs and healthy lifestyle. Well shit, I guess I am going to feel bad again for a while. I did a good things today though, but potential and energy that I wasted today just devastating me. Well tomorrow is a new day and I will try again, with more sleep and physical activities (my main priority for the next month). Right know I feel like a stone that fell from the mountain and just keep rolling. Anyway sucks to be in that position and I know I need to relax a little and work on my inner feelings and stuff but damn, this hurts to be hurt by myself. Lately I notice that maybe I am too fixated on myself rather than on what's going on and people around me. Oh, help me god with the shit I am dealing. I didn't maybe even wanted to come and post something, because I felt that I am failed guys that support me and I hate disappoint people but I preferred to write the truth and that's important

On a higher note. I counted days I did PMO and didn't do, 9 days were with and PMO 22 days clean. It's 2/3 for the win I guess, so maybe glass is more full than empty. And of course I have to demote myself back to Private because of today no way around it
 

Daybyday1988

Active Member
hey man, noticed youre struggling, as you mention you are having trouble getting to a few weeks no PMO. Do you have a blocking software and a real person to be accountable to? I use Covenant Eyes and I'm almost 90 days clean for the first time ever. I also found an awesome accountability partner here on Reboot Nation and we monitor each others activity daily. I highly recommend a situation like this for recovery.

There are 3 "A's" to this addiction that make it hard to kick. Affordable, Anonymous, and Accessible. Covenant Eyes is able to nearly wipe out 2/3 of those by making it so you cant anonymously watch porn on your devices and it isn't accessible on them either. I would seriously consider this if you really want to get clean, wish I knew about it when I first started out.
 

iwander

Member
Day 9
Had a big setback yesterday, so today I felt a little off and depressed over the fact that I made a mistake. Restored myself, had a good sleep and walked twice today, regaining my conscious. Managed to control myself today and kept healthy lifestyle.
hey man, noticed youre struggling, as you mention you are having trouble getting to a few weeks no PMO. Do you have a blocking software and a real person to be accountable to? I use Covenant Eyes and I'm almost 90 days clean for the first time ever. I also found an awesome accountability partner here on Reboot Nation and we monitor each others activity daily. I highly recommend a situation like this for recovery.
Yeah, thanks for the tip. I guess I overlooked these blocking apps, cause it's sometime easy to pass them. Gonna find accountable partner too, a little help can't hurt.
 
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