Hunter_
Active Member
This happens in reboot. Be strong, just remember the reason you want to leave this addiction.
Believe in the process. Learn from the mistake, understand your urges.
We can make it . Believe,become.
Hardwired from self-destruct
- Thread starter iwander
- Start date
Believe in the process. Learn from the mistake, understand your urges.
We can make it . Believe,become.
Stay strong man. I think you're right about trying something new. Any ideas about what you could do to encourage yourself?
I will say also, that I believe that this self-doubt is a direct part of our addiction. If you think about it, it makes sense. Our addicted self is a drug addict that wants to keep using its drug. What is more beneficial to that junkie than the attitude that he probably can't stop? After all, that attitude keeps us using the drug. And what's worse, it looks like rationalism: "I've failed, repeatedly, so I probably cannot succeed" doesn't sound totally unreasonable. Because it sounds rational, we can fool ourselves into believing that it is our rational brain telling us this story, rather than our addicted one. This is the case for me sometimes, maybe it is for you too. Just something to think about.
Day 14-15
Did PMO today right after I woke up (usual way I did: started searching pics saying I can go back until I couldn't) and day was a wreck after that. This is the eight time this month. Thought about why and how I can't go out of relapse lately. Probably because I see my personal life and work life as a mess lately and looking for an "easy boost". Noticed lately thoughts which put me as a victim of circumstances and that is not good at all. I reread my blog from the beginning. It's funny almost as I was a completely different man - stronger, disciplined and more cheerful. I guess I need to learn from myself how to be that guy.
I also realized that it's almost a month and a half since I joined this forum. I learned a lot about honesty for that time: admitting your mistakes, habits, temptations, thoughts, falls and wins. Honesty is important, because we learn to see our actions more clearer and get different perspective from the community (it's the first step of 12 step program of addiction recovery). Faith (higher power or believing in yourself) is a second step, which is pillar for any victory. How we hurt people around us with addiction: family, loved ones, friends, colleges etc. And how we miss the good part of our live with beautiful opportunities. All that because we have a little or no energy to create a life we want, low self-esteem and confidence to actually do stuff. And on top of that we full of shame and fear that there will be no escape. Quite a picture, isn't it? However I do belive that this can be changed. Probably because we simply have no other choice but to make a stand and fight
I think I am ready to give another go to my reboot now. Also I am going to make the process a little gamified, but that's later. My target goal is the same 90 days without PMO, local goals will be as well (1, 3, 5, 7, 10, 14, 21, 30, 45, 60, 90).
Here you go a motivational video from academy award Anthony Hopkins
P.S. I am looking for accountability partner. That's something new I want to try. Minimum 10 days (to get up on my feet again), but if we both feel like it we can continue. What I want is checking on each other blogs and give support if needed every day or personal messages too. Here if you don't quite know what it is https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/359/
Did PMO today right after I woke up (usual way I did: started searching pics saying I can go back until I couldn't) and day was a wreck after that. This is the eight time this month. Thought about why and how I can't go out of relapse lately. Probably because I see my personal life and work life as a mess lately and looking for an "easy boost". Noticed lately thoughts which put me as a victim of circumstances and that is not good at all. I reread my blog from the beginning. It's funny almost as I was a completely different man - stronger, disciplined and more cheerful. I guess I need to learn from myself how to be that guy.
I also realized that it's almost a month and a half since I joined this forum. I learned a lot about honesty for that time: admitting your mistakes, habits, temptations, thoughts, falls and wins. Honesty is important, because we learn to see our actions more clearer and get different perspective from the community (it's the first step of 12 step program of addiction recovery). Faith (higher power or believing in yourself) is a second step, which is pillar for any victory. How we hurt people around us with addiction: family, loved ones, friends, colleges etc. And how we miss the good part of our live with beautiful opportunities. All that because we have a little or no energy to create a life we want, low self-esteem and confidence to actually do stuff. And on top of that we full of shame and fear that there will be no escape. Quite a picture, isn't it? However I do belive that this can be changed. Probably because we simply have no other choice but to make a stand and fight
I think I am ready to give another go to my reboot now. Also I am going to make the process a little gamified, but that's later. My target goal is the same 90 days without PMO, local goals will be as well (1, 3, 5, 7, 10, 14, 21, 30, 45, 60, 90).
Here you go a motivational video from academy award Anthony Hopkins
P.S. I am looking for accountability partner. That's something new I want to try. Minimum 10 days (to get up on my feet again), but if we both feel like it we can continue. What I want is checking on each other blogs and give support if needed every day or personal messages too. Here if you don't quite know what it is https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/359/
Day 1
Spend day somewhat productive and clean, which is still a little progress. Went for a run today, which felt good. Meditated a while without any particular reason. Even started reading a book I always wanted to start. Had a little setback in the evening, by watching series more than I wanted. But overall fine. I am going early to sleep today. No PMO today. Peace!
Spend day somewhat productive and clean, which is still a little progress. Went for a run today, which felt good. Meditated a while without any particular reason. Even started reading a book I always wanted to start. Had a little setback in the evening, by watching series more than I wanted. But overall fine. I am going early to sleep today. No PMO today. Peace!
Day 2
Today was not a good for me. Feel a little disoriented from my goals and needs. I think it's the baggage that I dragged for a long time with me. I have a problem lately daydreaming more about the past than the future, which drags me from reality. Half of the day was productive, the other was not. Having low energy days for everything these days. Almost didn't have any sexual thoughts though. Trying to figure out what keeps me back and why am I distressed. Visited webinar today, gave advise to meditate and keeping journal for thoughts and feelings and stuff. Gonna try that. Fact that I came back today to write something is a plus sign I guess. NO PMO today
Today was not a good for me. Feel a little disoriented from my goals and needs. I think it's the baggage that I dragged for a long time with me. I have a problem lately daydreaming more about the past than the future, which drags me from reality. Half of the day was productive, the other was not. Having low energy days for everything these days. Almost didn't have any sexual thoughts though. Trying to figure out what keeps me back and why am I distressed. Visited webinar today, gave advise to meditate and keeping journal for thoughts and feelings and stuff. Gonna try that. Fact that I came back today to write something is a plus sign I guess. NO PMO today
Day 3
Today was kind of awakening day for me. I am feeling a lot better today. I was overwhelmed with my emotions, I took 15 minutes to meditate and took a brief walk and felt after that I felt a lot better than for the whole month. Also took time reading about self improvement which I didn't feel like doing lately. I am feeling desire to actually do stuff and that I am taking a step in the right direction. NO PMO today
Another thing about gamification of the reboot. I am going give myself a rank each time I hit a goal (like military rank). And demote my self 2 ranks below if I have a relapse. Right now I assign myself as Private (taking ranks from here https://www.military.com/army/enlisted-ranks.html)
Today was kind of awakening day for me. I am feeling a lot better today. I was overwhelmed with my emotions, I took 15 minutes to meditate and took a brief walk and felt after that I felt a lot better than for the whole month. Also took time reading about self improvement which I didn't feel like doing lately. I am feeling desire to actually do stuff and that I am taking a step in the right direction. NO PMO today
Another thing about gamification of the reboot. I am going give myself a rank each time I hit a goal (like military rank). And demote my self 2 ranks below if I have a relapse. Right now I assign myself as Private (taking ranks from here https://www.military.com/army/enlisted-ranks.html)
HelloThere
Member
Good luck private iwander for building a bigger steak and abstaining from porn! I hope a little gamification helps 
Day 4
Today I had struggles with sexual thoughts that kept coming in my head, so I wasn't productive as much as I wanted to. However I did do a few helpful things for me. I continue work on accepting my feelings and how some things make me feel or make me stressful and try to work on them. I am still on a bumpy road, but the direction in right. The weekends are coming so it will be probably tougher in some way, but I think I can survive them. NO PMO today
P.S This time I literally forgot to post, so I did it first thing in the morning.
Today I had struggles with sexual thoughts that kept coming in my head, so I wasn't productive as much as I wanted to. However I did do a few helpful things for me. I continue work on accepting my feelings and how some things make me feel or make me stressful and try to work on them. I am still on a bumpy road, but the direction in right. The weekends are coming so it will be probably tougher in some way, but I think I can survive them. NO PMO today
Thanks man! It probably sounds a little silly, but I'll try that this time so I can better accept and appreciate my wins over my addiction.Good luck private iwander for building a bigger steak and abstaining from porn! I hope a little gamification helps
P.S This time I literally forgot to post, so I did it first thing in the morning.
Day 5
Today I've struggled a little with all kind of sexual thoughts. Was tempted as hell, even thought about to throw up hands and get this good feeling. But didn't any of that. In fact I recognized my triggers and caught myself on thinking how it's not a PMO, but something less harmful so why not? Anyway day was enjoyable, I am doing well even though it still a struggle and I expect it to be for a while. Did a few yoga exercises I didn't do in a while, also took a long walk through the city. Day 5 achieved, that means I get a promotion to Private 2nd Class (yay). Next is 7 days
Watched this podcast with Andrew Huberman and Jordan Peterson
the guys I have mad respect for. I definitely recommend to watch.
Today I've struggled a little with all kind of sexual thoughts. Was tempted as hell, even thought about to throw up hands and get this good feeling. But didn't any of that. In fact I recognized my triggers and caught myself on thinking how it's not a PMO, but something less harmful so why not? Anyway day was enjoyable, I am doing well even though it still a struggle and I expect it to be for a while. Did a few yoga exercises I didn't do in a while, also took a long walk through the city. Day 5 achieved, that means I get a promotion to Private 2nd Class (yay). Next is 7 days
Watched this podcast with Andrew Huberman and Jordan Peterson
Day 6
Well today I had plenty of sexual thoughts and triggers that were just right there waiting to be clicked. Somehow I managed not to do it. Had a long walk today and did a few social interactions. Today also was my birthday and I am turning 25, so I am glad I have held this long and being "sober". Still a long way to go for me, decade addiction doesn't go away after few weeks. Well my wish for that age is that I finally put aside my addiction and begin living full life I always wanted to.
Well today I had plenty of sexual thoughts and triggers that were just right there waiting to be clicked. Somehow I managed not to do it. Had a long walk today and did a few social interactions. Today also was my birthday and I am turning 25, so I am glad I have held this long and being "sober". Still a long way to go for me, decade addiction doesn't go away after few weeks. Well my wish for that age is that I finally put aside my addiction and begin living full life I always wanted to.
Happy belated birthday dude!! That's a great birthday wish. You've got this.
Day 7
Today was a mixed day. I had a productive moments and procrastination moments. Had a few sexual thoughts, but only little to go search it up online. I having difficulty with video games lately: staying longer than I want and in inappropriate times (something I want to control as well). I think I am beginning to build my confidence again though, at some moment I realized that I can actually keep my word on small things that have a huge effect.
Nevertheless I held one week on my own, I notice a little changes in myself as I continue. Right now the promotion is to Private first class, next goal is 10 days.
Thanks for congratulations @TypeN @Simon2, it warms my heart)
Today was a mixed day. I had a productive moments and procrastination moments. Had a few sexual thoughts, but only little to go search it up online. I having difficulty with video games lately: staying longer than I want and in inappropriate times (something I want to control as well). I think I am beginning to build my confidence again though, at some moment I realized that I can actually keep my word on small things that have a huge effect.
Nevertheless I held one week on my own, I notice a little changes in myself as I continue. Right now the promotion is to Private first class, next goal is 10 days.
Thanks for congratulations @TypeN @Simon2, it warms my heart)
Day 8
Today I did terrible. Well terrible is a one way to put it. The plane crashed into the mountains more like it. I had lack of sleep last night, because I played video games till late (3 am god damn it). So today I had completely lack of motivation to do anything and I had a headache. So when it hit me it hit me hard and I couldn't resist. Started from a simple search that was connected to PMO remotely. And than it began. I did PMO 3 times today. I felt terrible and I still do. I guess a lesson to me not to fuck with regular needs and healthy lifestyle. Well shit, I guess I am going to feel bad again for a while. I did a good things today though, but potential and energy that I wasted today just devastating me. Well tomorrow is a new day and I will try again, with more sleep and physical activities (my main priority for the next month). Right know I feel like a stone that fell from the mountain and just keep rolling. Anyway sucks to be in that position and I know I need to relax a little and work on my inner feelings and stuff but damn, this hurts to be hurt by myself. Lately I notice that maybe I am too fixated on myself rather than on what's going on and people around me. Oh, help me god with the shit I am dealing. I didn't maybe even wanted to come and post something, because I felt that I am failed guys that support me and I hate disappoint people but I preferred to write the truth and that's important
On a higher note. I counted days I did PMO and didn't do, 9 days were with and PMO 22 days clean. It's 2/3 for the win I guess, so maybe glass is more full than empty. And of course I have to demote myself back to Private because of today no way around it
Today I did terrible. Well terrible is a one way to put it. The plane crashed into the mountains more like it. I had lack of sleep last night, because I played video games till late (3 am god damn it). So today I had completely lack of motivation to do anything and I had a headache. So when it hit me it hit me hard and I couldn't resist. Started from a simple search that was connected to PMO remotely. And than it began. I did PMO 3 times today. I felt terrible and I still do. I guess a lesson to me not to fuck with regular needs and healthy lifestyle. Well shit, I guess I am going to feel bad again for a while. I did a good things today though, but potential and energy that I wasted today just devastating me. Well tomorrow is a new day and I will try again, with more sleep and physical activities (my main priority for the next month). Right know I feel like a stone that fell from the mountain and just keep rolling. Anyway sucks to be in that position and I know I need to relax a little and work on my inner feelings and stuff but damn, this hurts to be hurt by myself. Lately I notice that maybe I am too fixated on myself rather than on what's going on and people around me. Oh, help me god with the shit I am dealing. I didn't maybe even wanted to come and post something, because I felt that I am failed guys that support me and I hate disappoint people but I preferred to write the truth and that's important
On a higher note. I counted days I did PMO and didn't do, 9 days were with and PMO 22 days clean. It's 2/3 for the win I guess, so maybe glass is more full than empty. And of course I have to demote myself back to Private because of today no way around it
Daybyday1988
Active Member
hey man, noticed youre struggling, as you mention you are having trouble getting to a few weeks no PMO. Do you have a blocking software and a real person to be accountable to? I use Covenant Eyes and I'm almost 90 days clean for the first time ever. I also found an awesome accountability partner here on Reboot Nation and we monitor each others activity daily. I highly recommend a situation like this for recovery.
There are 3 "A's" to this addiction that make it hard to kick. Affordable, Anonymous, and Accessible. Covenant Eyes is able to nearly wipe out 2/3 of those by making it so you cant anonymously watch porn on your devices and it isn't accessible on them either. I would seriously consider this if you really want to get clean, wish I knew about it when I first started out.
There are 3 "A's" to this addiction that make it hard to kick. Affordable, Anonymous, and Accessible. Covenant Eyes is able to nearly wipe out 2/3 of those by making it so you cant anonymously watch porn on your devices and it isn't accessible on them either. I would seriously consider this if you really want to get clean, wish I knew about it when I first started out.
Day 9
Had a big setback yesterday, so today I felt a little off and depressed over the fact that I made a mistake. Restored myself, had a good sleep and walked twice today, regaining my conscious. Managed to control myself today and kept healthy lifestyle.
Had a big setback yesterday, so today I felt a little off and depressed over the fact that I made a mistake. Restored myself, had a good sleep and walked twice today, regaining my conscious. Managed to control myself today and kept healthy lifestyle.
Yeah, thanks for the tip. I guess I overlooked these blocking apps, cause it's sometime easy to pass them. Gonna find accountable partner too, a little help can't hurt.
Daybyday1988
Active Member
I would say having an AP is more than a little helpful because it makes your addicted brain think twice before you PMO when you know that your AP is going to get a detailed report of your search history daily as well as a notification if you are viewing porn.
Its definitely a game changer with regard to getting rid of this habit because you're not just alone in your bed jerking off to porn by yourself anymore. Another persons eyes will be there to hold you accountable.
Its definitely a game changer with regard to getting rid of this habit because you're not just alone in your bed jerking off to porn by yourself anymore. Another persons eyes will be there to hold you accountable.
Hey man, stay strong! Lots of us know this feeling all too well. I think it helps to see the big picture, like you're doing: you spent 2/3 of a month without a drug that you were totally hooked on before. Obviously you want to get to 100% eventually, but 2/3 is definitely still big progress. Just keep strategizing and staying with this problem if you can, those 22 days are proof your hard work is paying off.
Regarding blockers, I'd say it depends on your personality whether they will be suitable for you. If your personality is like mine – where you'll stop at nothing when you experience a very strong urge – then I advise against them. I do have mine in a somewhat workable state right now, but what it took to get here – sabotaging restrictions/finding ways around them, then patching those workarounds, then sabotaging them again, ad infinitum – is just not worth it, and I think only makes the addiction worse. I only use them now because by now they're very resistant, but if I had been working with a therapist before starting to use them I don't think I ever would have. That energy would be so much better spent working on your mindset (therapy, journaling, other good habits -- the stuff you're already doing).
However, if you're somebody who can be discouraged from relapse by a modest delay or some difficulty in achieving it, then they could be a good tool. Either way I think it's important to think of them as a barrier rather than a total block, because realistically that's what they are. Kind of like putting a jar of cookies at the top of a 40 foot ladder. If you're crazy for cookies, you'll climb that latter. If you only have a transient mania for cookies, the ladder will help you make the right decision.
All that said I think covenant eyes is an interesting model since it revolves around an accountability partner rather than just ruling out porn access entirely.
Regarding blockers, I'd say it depends on your personality whether they will be suitable for you. If your personality is like mine – where you'll stop at nothing when you experience a very strong urge – then I advise against them. I do have mine in a somewhat workable state right now, but what it took to get here – sabotaging restrictions/finding ways around them, then patching those workarounds, then sabotaging them again, ad infinitum – is just not worth it, and I think only makes the addiction worse. I only use them now because by now they're very resistant, but if I had been working with a therapist before starting to use them I don't think I ever would have. That energy would be so much better spent working on your mindset (therapy, journaling, other good habits -- the stuff you're already doing).
However, if you're somebody who can be discouraged from relapse by a modest delay or some difficulty in achieving it, then they could be a good tool. Either way I think it's important to think of them as a barrier rather than a total block, because realistically that's what they are. Kind of like putting a jar of cookies at the top of a 40 foot ladder. If you're crazy for cookies, you'll climb that latter. If you only have a transient mania for cookies, the ladder will help you make the right decision.
All that said I think covenant eyes is an interesting model since it revolves around an accountability partner rather than just ruling out porn access entirely.
Yeah I agree with your view on blocking apps I think they are more of defense from stupid policy. It's really matter of perspective with how you see them. Mindset and a healthy lifestile is a way to go on the other hand. There was an experiment with mice when one received drug and had social life and the other one only had a drug. As a result first one didn't had an addiction, but the second one had because it had nothing else and got hooked up. That is why I think it is so important to cultivate healthy habits during reboot.
I downloaded covenant eyes, but didn't explore much. Gonna have a good look at it tomorrow