Hardwired from self-destruct

I

iwander

Active Member
Day 3
Days was ok today. I wasn't much productive, in fact I am having some trouble separating working hours and recreation. I do continue walking planning and meditation, but executing plans and staying committed is what I am looking for right now. A lot of things going on right now and I am kinda trying to doing it slow because of this setback I am feeling a little out of breath. Anyway, nothing really happened today for me I am just checking. NO PMO today
P.S. I started having fun with ChatGPT and that's what it gave me when I asked: How to beat addiction?
1679520439276.png
 
Last edited:
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 4
Day was pretty good. I spent a productive day at work and got up earlier than usual. I am taking it slow these days and walking more often. I had a slight urges, but it was nothing in general. I am looking at things more optimistically now and trust in myself and self-esteem slowly resumes. Gotta be careful though and to waste that energy back to that mess I am currently trying to get out of. NO PMO today
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 5
Day was mixed up. Today urges hit me like a freight train. Triggers were coming from the places I didn't expect. Even though I had 3 hours of productive work, I was distracted and tempted a lot today.Trying to keep my working hours, learning and rest in time limits. Taking care of myself too and I keep other healthy habits like reading, meditating and learning a new language. Even though my progress isn't much but I try not turn myself upside down like it happened last time.
On a personal note I had a fight with my roommate and for the last couple days we just pretend that we don't exist which bugs me. But right now better if we do not interact. At least I don't want to. But this made me search for a connection from friends I didn't hear for a while and family. So in the end maybe it will work out in a good way
NO PMO today
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 6
Relapsed (3 times) in the morning by being stupid - stying up till late last night without any purpose, looking for something to relax.
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 6 (evening)
Well, what's happened happened and it's water under the bridge. I already forgave myself for it and made a lesson to myself. Spent day on cleaning my place and reading. Gonna start again tomorrow and with god's help I'll make it through.
Androg said:
Do you exercise regularly?
Click to expand...
I do yoga in the morning, but lately I've been getting up early so didn't have much time on it. Yeah, I see the point - to make more time on it throughout the week for reducing stress etc.
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day (1, 2, 3)
On first day did a bad decision playing video games after my relapse, which drove me further into dopamine addiction. I felt off my balance and inn fact I played till 5am, which made my second day even more challenging. However I did manage to pull myself together and to go on 20 minutes run. Day 3 was better in my opinion but not productive on my work, having a trouble concentrating.
Over three days I had a bad trigger handling, occasionally googling p-related stuff, but somehow I just didn't go further and stoped. I'll focus on getting a better sleep, because lately I stayed late playing video games, reading or watching serials which is not good for me. NO PMO today
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 4
Day was productive . Woke up earlier than usual and had a good sleep. So I started working early and kept the rhythm. Spent time woking on myself too: had yoga in the morning, walked throughout the day and meditated. I feel a little bored from time to time but it passes. I am making plans again and making social contacts. Made a few discoveries about how better communicate with colleagues and people around. I had a few sexual thoughts in the morning though, but it was nothing. NO PMO today
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 5
Well crap, did PMO twice today. I overslept today and missed a lot of my morning routine and felt sleepy in the noon. I felt terrible but then I asked myself: "why this is happening?". I keep 3-5 days lately then something turns up or I have a bad morning or something and I am going for the phone even though I know that this is 95% chance I'll do PMO. I reflected on myself and got that I lately simply stoped trying. I wasn't much fighting my addiction but tried to live with it. In the last 3 weeks I didn't read articles about PMO addiction or watched educational videos with that content. I even wasn't much involved in journals of others and stayed somewhat disconnected from this group of people, which is the whole point of this. I guess tomorrow will be day 1 again, but this time I am going to put some effort in my reboot.

I did however a good thing today. After a relapse I looked around in my room and I realized it's a mess and I have a lot of clothes needed washing. So I cleaned my desk, my bed. It felt a lot better. I wanted to go playing video games till late like I would usually do, but one thought was telling me that I should go for a run. "Heck no, it's a cold outside" I thought! But something in med told "it's stupid not to do something because of cold". So I put video games on load and went for a 4 km run. It's amazing how you can feel so miserable one moment, and so cheerful and pumped up 30 minutes later. Man that felt good. I came back deleted video games, and started learning.

Stay safe, folks!
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Learning that you can change your mood by doing constructive things...and experiencing it...can be huge. Stay strong!
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 1
Day was a mixed with highs and lows. I managed to make a few good working hours. I keep up with my learning and new healthy habits I am trying to keep. Didn't had much of sexual thoughts, also I did feel like could loose control over myself but said no. I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday, how I should change the way of thinking of my addiction and put an effort to it. Because there are always be things that I don't like or would stress me out but I need to see it as a challenge instead of doom. Or it will be like in this film clip.
So I start learning about addictions again and how to handle it conscious, with an action not reaction. NO PMO today.

This month wasn't great for me. Last month I managed to go clean. By my count I had a relapse 6 days in this month and that is not great to say the least. But I picked up a few good daily routines: like meditation, walking and reading. There is some false comfort in letting it go, while doing your thing. But it will get you some time, maybe months later, maybe even later that day. However I do believe that even in the bad situation there is a right action that can be taken to make it better.
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 2
The day was pretty good. I did yoga and meditation in the morning which gave me a great boost. I've completed the task I couldn't do on the weekdays, which made me really proud. I also managed to do some dirty tasks I always put away for different reasons. I was watching today the podcast with Anna Lembke, author of "Dopamine nation". It's good to hear experts about addiction problems
NO PMO today
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 3
Day was pretty good. I made some house cleaning, attended yoga seminar and made grocery shopping. I had a bad case during the day too, not gonna go in details but I ate at the restaurant that was a total rip off. It rubbed me the wrong way really good. At evening I decided to go for a run because I felt something bad could happen if I stay like this even it was past 8 pm. I wanted to go for 10 minutes, however I ended up for 50 minutes and 8.22 km. That really changed my inner state. I am reading this book "Atomic habits" it teaches about how tiny improvements everyday can bring a huge impact on the whole life. I really like that idea, and it perfectly fits for rebooting too. NO PMO today
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 3/5
Again, I stepped back on Monday. I held for 4 days and did 3 PMO in one day. There is a bad cycle I appears in my behavior. I struggled these 3 days a lot: doubted myself, my work and my goals etc. I've been like a ball of nerves that jumped from watching Youtube to watching serials during work time. I am more relaxed now, I see that I tried too many changes too fast and that threw me overboard. Another simple thing that I notice that I simply don't know how to have a good rest. Anyway I'll do changes slowly with small goals: aim small miss small. Meditate for 5 minutes twice a day instead of 30, run for 15 minutes but regularly instead 60 etc. My next goal 5 days, which is the end of the week. Also I am seriously considering having accountable partner too. NO PMO today
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 4/5
Day was pretty good. Did some learning, made a long walk, ran for 20 minutes and meditated. Today was more of a day off for me. I skipped some things that I planned, so I made plans for tomorrow. I am more relaxed now and looking more optimistic on things now. NO PMO today
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 5/7
Day was a little lazy. I didn't do some things that I planned and procrastinated a little bit. Although today I finished course that will affect my career in good way. Another good thing is that I made a breach to 5 days that was a bar for me for the last month, which makes me proud of myself. Still a long way to go. NO PMO today
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 6/7
Today I was struggling a good part of the day. Couldn't focus on my work, but I managed to do a good part of it. Trying staying positive about my recovery. Caught myself on thinking about is it even possible to cure myself from this? Is this my last chance for a normal, happy life? I don't know, but I keep reminding myself that I will die someday that puts a good perspective on things

Anyway, it is good that my flow is going good. I am making small physical and mindful exercises everyday. And in a way I believe I became better person 4 month ago when I joined this forum. Tomorrow is going to be another chance to be better version of myself.
NO PMO today
 
I

iwander

Active Member
Day 7/10
Day was pretty good. Week passed with some effort. I achieved some things work wise today. Week passed with some effort. I try to keep things organized lately: my work desk has only few things on it, I don't throw my clothes around the room, I block my phone from distracting apps during work time. I meditate for 5 minutes after and before sleep now, exercises are regular too.

Trying this app covenant eye, let's see where this goes. I am trying to learn how deal with addictions. Always good to learn something new
NO PMO today
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top