Hardwired from self-destruct

iwander

Active Member
Day 19
Feel a lot better today. Did meditation and yoga exercises also walked today a lot. I noticed by the end of the day that I didn't think about anything sexual for the whole day. I notice that when I think that something is really bad in my life, it is actually not that terrible or at leas it could be worse. So it is really when people say your life is what you make of it. I have some plans for tomorrow also that could improve my mental and physical state. Promoted (actually it was yesterday) to Army Specialist (didn't PMO for 11 days). NO PMO today
 

iwander

Active Member
Day 20
The day didn't go as I expected but it was great nonetheless. I did make a trip to the nature with friends where I had an active vacation I missed recently. I made a connection with a long relative and a close relative and I want to connect with friends I didn't hear long ago. I had few nasty thoughts, but it was nothing comparing to all the good ones I had. I feel rested mentally and with desire to go forward. Now I can execute daily tasks with more confidence and persistence.

I reviewed my journal for the last week: not bad, I give it a 60% from what I want but the progress is going. Even after the bad days I do not go back to PMO, playing video games till late or sitting in social media (the last one needs more attention on my side). I also want to cut out sugar from my diet, I think it's a good step.
NO PMO this week
 

TypeN

Active Member
Day 20
The day didn't go as I expected but it was great nonetheless. I did make a trip to the nature with friends where I had an active vacation I missed recently. I made a connection with a long relative and a close relative and I want to connect with friends I didn't hear long ago. I had few nasty thoughts, but it was nothing comparing to all the good ones I had. I feel rested mentally and with desire to go forward. Now I can execute daily tasks with more confidence and persistence.

I reviewed my journal for the last week: not bad, I give it a 60% from what I want but the progress is going. Even after the bad days I do not go back to PMO, playing video games till late or sitting in social media (the last one needs more attention on my side). I also want to cut out sugar from my diet, I think it's a good step.
NO PMO this week

Awesome dude. You may feel you're not 100% of where you want to be, but from my perspective it's clear you're building positive momentum. Good stuff -- keep us posted!
 

iwander

Active Member
Day 21
The day was very productive and relaxing at the same time. I had a feeling and motivation to do good things from the moment I woke up today. I had a meditation, yoga exercises and went to sauna in the evening (something I wanted to do for 2 weeks). I almost completed everything I wanted from my todo list for today, but I am thankful for the ones I did. Sometimes the wicked thoughts caught me today, but I could identify them and observation of them is making them powerless. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day too, so I am going to sleep now. NO PMO today
 

iwander

Active Member
Day 22
The day was productive in a way, but I got a little headache in the second part of the day. Was a little more aroused than usual and had some urges but overall okay. In these times I come back here to remind me about progress and to see how others are doing. I held 2 weeks now without PMO or MO, days are counting and with time I continue to learn how to let go this habit and live a more fulfilling life. I notice how I have a better sleep and even like myself more in the appearance and in general. Promoted to Corporal. NO PMO today
 

TypeN

Active Member
Day 22
The day was productive in a way, but I got a little headache in the second part of the day. Was a little more aroused than usual and had some urges but overall okay. In these times I come back here to remind me about progress and to see how others are doing. I held 2 weeks now without PMO or MO, days are counting and with time I continue to learn how to let go this habit and live a more fulfilling life. I notice how I have a better sleep and even like myself more in the appearance and in general. Promoted to Corporal. NO PMO today
Congrats on that promotion corporal. o7

I feel the same way, with liking myself more including how I look. I think perhaps as addicts we project our shame about addiction on to unrelated things, so stopping the addictive behavior frees us from that. Anyhow good work staying clean 20 days dude, big achievement.
 

iwander

Active Member
Day 23-24
(16 clean)
Hey, there! First things first, some readers of this journal a little confused about my streak, I am holding only 16 days now. On my 8's day I did fall doing PMO 3 times in one day (you can check). Why I didn't reset counter? This count shows the days I started trying again and believing that maybe I have a strength for reboot and maybe I can do it. Others did it, why not me? And when I did fall I didn't want to beet myself up about it, plus ranking thing looses all meaning. And because I haven't fell later I kept counting as the rebooting goes on.

Yesterday I did have a hard day, I did MO in the morning which made me horny for a good part of a day. I came really close to the edge of crossing the line with P, but instead I had a walk in the neighborhood which relieved me a lot. Bad part is that MO wasn't planned and I feel that I kinda fell for a quick reward here and now instead of long goal. I am intend to plan next MO in the middle of the next month but that's latter. Another that in the evening I was tired and didn't fill the journal, my bad. Stayed clean that day from P, promise.

Today I am going on a vacation, yoga tour with a group to India for 2 weeks. So maybe I will not fill my journal everyday, but with a good social interactions and exercise I think I will be just fine. So anyway, good luck and thank you on kind words @Trisquel @TypeN always good hearing from you and reading your journals. NO PMO today
 

TypeN

Active Member
Missed this post somehow -- have a great time in India man! Looking forward to hearing how it goes when you get the time. Wishing you well with keeping yourself together man; I've also had some risky moments this week. We can do this.
 

iwander

Active Member
Day 1
So anyway. I had a great time in India, loved that country. Had a series a bad luck afterwards, didn't feel like I was in control anymore and I snapped. My mistake was not coming here and checking on the other guys that have the same problem as me. I guess my arrogance and ignorance played me good on this one. Didn't even wanted to go post here. I did managed to hold the whole last month without PMO and only one MO so I did learn something.
Back to today: this is my day 1 again (Private). I am coming humble and motivated to go forward again. NO PMO today
 

iwander

Active Member
Day 2
Day was pretty much straightforward, I am much better at planning now. I have a few courses to boost my professional and personal life. Not getting 100%, but maybe 70% from what I wanted. I am a little tired today. Had a few sexual thoughts in the morning but it was nothing.
NO PMO today
 

iwander

Active Member
Day 3
The day was pretty much productive. I reduced my social media and news checking to minimum so I have a better concentration on work now. I keep working on myself and I have a meditation sessions twice a day. Fantasizing comes and goes now and then, but overall I am okay. Promoted to Private 2nd class. NO PMO today
 

iwander

Active Member
Day 4
Day wasn't productive, work wise. Although I did manage to do a few good things for me: yoga and meditation, money expenses planning, also spent time on learning time management techniques. I had a wet dream today out of nowhere, oddly I don't think I had a dream about erotica at least I don't remember. I almost slipped in the evening by searching the wrong thing that lead to erotic but managed to control myself.
I am putting more energy lately in my own education and development, planning helps too. I am not so scared I think anymore about things will work out on the way and start just doing things. I don't watch any series during the workdays, I didn't play video games for about 2 months. And finally when I am stressed out I try walking instead watching youtube videos.
NO PMO today
 

iwander

Active Member
Day 1
I've been in pretty bad shape lately. Going from one quick fix to another. Had a relapse on weekends to the point I couldn't just say no and went for it. I feel a little numb to any activities. I've managed to do today some good after all by making baby steps again and trying walking to adjust my dopamine level. Can't say that I am feeling well, actually I can't quite figure out what I am filling at moments like this. But this usually wears off in time, so I'll just try to be less stupid in the future.

I wanted to make a warning list for myself. Something that usually do that brings this bad behavior binge. Here what it looks like this:

1. I don't want walk outside or do physical activity
2. I am watching YouTube for some time with loosing track of time
3. Going from one pleasurable activity to another (reading news, listening music, youtube)
4. I forget about taking care of my appearance and hygiene
5. I act like I already know everything and everyone is an idiot
6. I am having a bad sleep. Usually because of the broken rhythm
7. I think more about the past and how things could've been instead of looking at what is going on or will happen

For me presence of any of these for too long can turn my life in the wrong direction so I'm gonna try to be aware of this things when they happen. NO PMO today
 
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TypeN

Active Member
It's good that you've taken the time to list out all these triggers iwander.

Do not beat yourself up! This is just what relapse is like. It gets a grip on you. If it didn't, this wouldn't be an addiction. But as you point out, relapsing makes you feel bad and dull, and that only makes you want it more (in the short term). So you just need to break out of that short-term cycle, which I am confident you can (before this lapse you went weeks without porn; clearly you have it in you).

In addition to the thinking you're doing about triggers, I think this is important:

I am putting more energy lately in my own education and development, planning helps too.

I'm sure you agree that the constructive aspect of recovery (building good habits, setting goals) is very useful.
 

iwander

Active Member
Day 2
The day was ok. I wasn't feeling motivated a lot today, had a lot of walking - that always calms me down a bit. Did a few productive hours on my work today too. Tried cooking today and it actually went pretty well. Didn't had much of urges, although I did remember having a thought or two about it. The post affect wears off a little and I think I can hold till the end of the week it would be a really great thing. NO PMO today
 

iwander

Active Member
It's good that you've taken the time to list out all these triggers iwander.

Do not beat yourself up! This is just what relapse is like. It gets a grip on you. If it didn't, this wouldn't be an addiction. But as you point out, relapsing makes you feel bad and dull, and that only makes you want it more (in the short term). So you just need to break out of that short-term cycle, which I am confident you can (before this lapse you went weeks without porn; clearly you have it in you).

In addition to the thinking you're doing about triggers, I think this is important:



I'm sure you agree that the constructive aspect of recovery (building good habits, setting goals) is very useful.
Thanks for the support! I've read your post and you are doing pretty good. I am focused on building little healthy habits this week: walking, reading, studying and this blogging.
 
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