Just Checking In - Progress for me - not perfection

ImBroken

Member
Hey Folks

I know I have been pretty quiet the past couple of weeks - I appreciate all of you who have DM’d me - means a ton! This community serves me well. Just wanted to let you know that while my spouse approaches his 90 day sobriety - I have begun to start my own healing process. All the melodrama and aftershocks are tucked away post D-Day. Its time for me to start getting on and living again. I’m a strong man - it kills me to even take Advil when I have an ache or pain. I was a firm believer in “if you can’t talk to a good friend - then what the heck do you need a shrink for”???
Well my spouse’s porn addiction and sex addiction just about crippled me - let me restate this - it almost killed me. I have never been so hurt, felt so much pain and such low esteem, to where I questioned every day of the last 30 years of my relationship. HIS addiction kicked me in the balls, knocked me on my ass and took me for a really horrible, traumatic ride. I’m sure it will continue to do so going forward - but I decided I needed professional help. I began some intense BETRAYAL TRAUMA therapy and it makes sense to me. I’m not thrilled with being diagnosed with PTSD following this - but if the suit fits…. I really am learning some skills that take me out of my own head. The straw that broke the camel’s back was that…for the first time in my life…I was experiencing severe panic attacks - out of the blue…I would be driving and suddenly couldn’t breathe - had to pull over - sometimes threw up. It was then that I sought some professional help.
What it comes down to for me is the following: 1) The lies, the condescension, the secrecy and the online cheating are all BETRAYALS of our vows - I guess I just took them more seriously than he did - and the fact he didn’t - I just don’t know if I can get past that. 2) This is HIS ADDICTION - not mine - I will not become a victim - it happened - I’m supporting him in his recovery - but my life’s direction is still a big question mark - and that is OK - It looks like the average healing time, if it heals at all. - could be 16 - 24 months. We’re only at month 3 - so there is no need to rush. 3) There are still so many WHYs that I would like answers to - maybe I will get them someday - maybe never - I have to learn to live with that. 4) Trust - so important for me - it is now shattered and no matter how good my intentions might be - it will never be the same. He did that to my trust…not me…I can hold a grudge with the best of people…I just don’t think that trust will ever come close to being what it was. 5) The future - I really don’t know what it will hold. I have laid out my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept for the short term. I don’t like being in that position - but it is my only “sanity safeguard” for the time being. 6) I’ve moved past the “MY LIFE IS OVER” - we‘re all sinners, we all are flawed - some more than others - some just different situations. I do not hate my spouse, a lot of the anger has subsided…BUT….I definitely do not love him the way I used to. We’re tarnished.

As a recovering addict and alcoholic myself (33+ years) - I have great empathy for the addict…but porn/sex addiction is a tricky mf’er - I’ve never seen such high recidivism rates - constant slips and starts - addicts willing to give up their lives, livelihoods and their families for it.

We may not have had the best relationship in the world - but it was far from bad. There were times I wanted to walk away for other unrelated reasons…but all the time, I knew in my heart that HE WAS ENOUGH - my life was pretty damned good and I felt content and happy. I just will never understand why I wasn’t enough for him. I’m not speaking sexually - I am speaking as a partner in marriage - Its a question there really is no answer to - the brain is a wild and powerful tool…but that is the ultimate question I have to live with…and I never, ever wanted to live with THAT question.

Its incredibly difficult for the significant other - especially from a resource standpoint - even harder for a gay man in a same sex relationship going thru this - I’m kind of feeling around in the dark - trusting my gut and trying to overlay advice meant for wives and female partners.

Bottom line - it all sucks. I have a feeling he knows pretty darned well what this has done to me as a person…and as a partner. He’s working his sobriety hard - hasn’t missed a meeting - has had no slips - sees two therapists…I support that and am really proud of the work he is doing. BUT now its my time to live, feel and accept love again - I don’t know if it will be with him, someone else or alone on my own. NONE of those options are ominous to me anymore. After having gone through all of this and the excruciating pain it caused me - I have learned that I cannot and would not ever inflict that pain on anyone, let alone a spouse/partner - its cruel and inhumane - I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy - I’d rather pass 100 kidney stones in a day than revisit the pain I went through early on.

The Betrayal Trauma philosophy is simple and makes sense to me - I am opening myself up to help and accepting the help that is offered. At least I am not living in a fog like a fucking zombie anymore - I’m taking something to help with the panic attacks and have learned some ways to curtail them if I feel them coming on.

In all honesty, I would have rather taken a bullet to the shoulder, had a limb amputated or lost one of my senses before going through the pain of being the spouse of a porn/sex addict. I also believe it would be so much easier if it was an affair with a real person. But its not - so my only choice is to move forward…or at least stay in one place without going backwards - and try to find a way to be loved, the way I deserve to be loved.

I can’t tell you how therapeutic long walks with the dogs have been…as has reading all of your stories, heartaches and efforts to beat this truly horrible and under-recognized, crippling disease.

Peace to all - Mike
 

Anon22

Member
God, you articulate all the feelings that go into this SO well. Absolutely relate to everything you’ve said.
Hoping for more healing for you!
 
I know that this must be a really difficult time for you, and I want you to know that we are here for you. I can't even imagine how hurt and betrayed you must feel, but please know that you are not alone.

It's normal to feel a range of emotions in a situation like this, including anger, sadness, and confusion. It's okay to feel these things, and it's important to allow yourself to process them in a healthy way. This might mean talking to a therapist or counselor, confiding in a close friend or family member, or simply taking some time for yourself to reflect and heal.

Above all, please remember that you are worthy of love and respect. The actions of your partner do not reflect on your worth as a person. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with the love and care that you deserve.

I know that this is a difficult time, but please know that we are here for you and that we will support you in any way that we can.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Your story rings so true. I didn’t want to be around my husband. I would make errands last longer. I would stay away. We bought new bedroom furniture because he would lay in bed while I was sleeping and watch it. And if I was gone for work then as well. Your descriptions of the pain are spot on. I once told him if it had been a woman cheated with it might feel different. But for him I guessed it was only one requirement two women together as long as they were naked. His lame explanation was so he could be better at sex with me. I then told him only problem was we weren’t having sex, so as they say, that was a lie. It took 2 years. It took a lot of talk and commitment to our marriage. And no I am not the same. But we make sure we talk and are there for each other. And when I am triggered, he makes sure I do not cry alone. I would encourage everyone to post and talk about your journey as an SO. It is so important for others to know their reactions are normal and they are not going crazy. And we have a great group participating!
 

Jlied

Active Member
Hi @ImBroken i shared this with someone earlier, and I think it can be applied to both the addict and the person hurt by addiction:

“There is no more effective healer than a wounded healer: someone who’s been there. God never wastes a hurt! Never. If you are willing, he will take your pain and struggle and recycle it in such a way that your life will ripple on people in ways you never dreamed.”

this is what I’m striving for these days and I certainly appreciate your post on the steps you have recently taken. Thanks for being so brave!
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
His lame explanation was so he could be better at sex with me
YUP!

@ImBroken
Now you're hitting me in the heart. Mine says he's done with it. The only therapy has been our few couples counseling. He still sees it completely differently than I do.

I am so tired of being sad and fearful that he will go back to it, I am also trying not to make hasty decisions. I just want back the man I married. I have hints of trust creeping back in but they fly away with the slightest wrong doing. SO TIRED of dealing with this. If he is "clean" I can't imagine how he can stand my repeated disbelief. It must be very frustrating, which causes me to worry he will relapse.

Ya know...I just keep going back to you are a man and men get more "distinguished" whereas women get old. The reality is that old makes it harder to move on. So rock your distinguished and be happy!
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
@Sammyjo you are right about “old”. We are flooded with messages from all sides about how we should age. And for those of us that are older and have had longer marriages, the women being looked at are way younger. Cannot compete. To me the looking is so disrespectful to us. I remember a line from the show six feet under. A man was burying his wife, and one of the characters said something about love. And the man said what do you know about love? Love is when you shit yourself and your wife helps you get home and cleaned up. Any of those naked young ones gonna pop off the screen and help? Oh heck no!
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
@Sammyjo you are right about “old”. We are flooded with messages from all sides about how we should age. And for those of us that are older and have had longer marriages, the women being looked at are way younger. Cannot compete. To me the looking is so disrespectful to us. I remember a line from the show six feet under. A man was burying his wife, and one of the characters said something about love. And the man said what do you know about love? Love is when you shit yourself and your wife helps you get home and cleaned up. Any of those naked young ones gonna pop off the screen and help? Oh heck no!
@Gracie My husband appears to have norovirus - and I guarandamntee not one of those little girls could stomach (much less attempt to) clean what I have cleaned up over the last 18 hours. And YES - DISRESPECTFUL! Not just to us as individuals but to the marriage.

Sigh, and this is exactly why I haven't been popping in. Now my thoughts are all over the map.
 
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