ImBroken
Member
Hey Folks
I know I have been pretty quiet the past couple of weeks - I appreciate all of you who have DM’d me - means a ton! This community serves me well. Just wanted to let you know that while my spouse approaches his 90 day sobriety - I have begun to start my own healing process. All the melodrama and aftershocks are tucked away post D-Day. Its time for me to start getting on and living again. I’m a strong man - it kills me to even take Advil when I have an ache or pain. I was a firm believer in “if you can’t talk to a good friend - then what the heck do you need a shrink for”???
Well my spouse’s porn addiction and sex addiction just about crippled me - let me restate this - it almost killed me. I have never been so hurt, felt so much pain and such low esteem, to where I questioned every day of the last 30 years of my relationship. HIS addiction kicked me in the balls, knocked me on my ass and took me for a really horrible, traumatic ride. I’m sure it will continue to do so going forward - but I decided I needed professional help. I began some intense BETRAYAL TRAUMA therapy and it makes sense to me. I’m not thrilled with being diagnosed with PTSD following this - but if the suit fits…. I really am learning some skills that take me out of my own head. The straw that broke the camel’s back was that…for the first time in my life…I was experiencing severe panic attacks - out of the blue…I would be driving and suddenly couldn’t breathe - had to pull over - sometimes threw up. It was then that I sought some professional help.
What it comes down to for me is the following: 1) The lies, the condescension, the secrecy and the online cheating are all BETRAYALS of our vows - I guess I just took them more seriously than he did - and the fact he didn’t - I just don’t know if I can get past that. 2) This is HIS ADDICTION - not mine - I will not become a victim - it happened - I’m supporting him in his recovery - but my life’s direction is still a big question mark - and that is OK - It looks like the average healing time, if it heals at all. - could be 16 - 24 months. We’re only at month 3 - so there is no need to rush. 3) There are still so many WHYs that I would like answers to - maybe I will get them someday - maybe never - I have to learn to live with that. 4) Trust - so important for me - it is now shattered and no matter how good my intentions might be - it will never be the same. He did that to my trust…not me…I can hold a grudge with the best of people…I just don’t think that trust will ever come close to being what it was. 5) The future - I really don’t know what it will hold. I have laid out my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept for the short term. I don’t like being in that position - but it is my only “sanity safeguard” for the time being. 6) I’ve moved past the “MY LIFE IS OVER” - we‘re all sinners, we all are flawed - some more than others - some just different situations. I do not hate my spouse, a lot of the anger has subsided…BUT….I definitely do not love him the way I used to. We’re tarnished.
As a recovering addict and alcoholic myself (33+ years) - I have great empathy for the addict…but porn/sex addiction is a tricky mf’er - I’ve never seen such high recidivism rates - constant slips and starts - addicts willing to give up their lives, livelihoods and their families for it.
We may not have had the best relationship in the world - but it was far from bad. There were times I wanted to walk away for other unrelated reasons…but all the time, I knew in my heart that HE WAS ENOUGH - my life was pretty damned good and I felt content and happy. I just will never understand why I wasn’t enough for him. I’m not speaking sexually - I am speaking as a partner in marriage - Its a question there really is no answer to - the brain is a wild and powerful tool…but that is the ultimate question I have to live with…and I never, ever wanted to live with THAT question.
Its incredibly difficult for the significant other - especially from a resource standpoint - even harder for a gay man in a same sex relationship going thru this - I’m kind of feeling around in the dark - trusting my gut and trying to overlay advice meant for wives and female partners.
Bottom line - it all sucks. I have a feeling he knows pretty darned well what this has done to me as a person…and as a partner. He’s working his sobriety hard - hasn’t missed a meeting - has had no slips - sees two therapists…I support that and am really proud of the work he is doing. BUT now its my time to live, feel and accept love again - I don’t know if it will be with him, someone else or alone on my own. NONE of those options are ominous to me anymore. After having gone through all of this and the excruciating pain it caused me - I have learned that I cannot and would not ever inflict that pain on anyone, let alone a spouse/partner - its cruel and inhumane - I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy - I’d rather pass 100 kidney stones in a day than revisit the pain I went through early on.
The Betrayal Trauma philosophy is simple and makes sense to me - I am opening myself up to help and accepting the help that is offered. At least I am not living in a fog like a fucking zombie anymore - I’m taking something to help with the panic attacks and have learned some ways to curtail them if I feel them coming on.
In all honesty, I would have rather taken a bullet to the shoulder, had a limb amputated or lost one of my senses before going through the pain of being the spouse of a porn/sex addict. I also believe it would be so much easier if it was an affair with a real person. But its not - so my only choice is to move forward…or at least stay in one place without going backwards - and try to find a way to be loved, the way I deserve to be loved.
I can’t tell you how therapeutic long walks with the dogs have been…as has reading all of your stories, heartaches and efforts to beat this truly horrible and under-recognized, crippling disease.
Peace to all - Mike
I know I have been pretty quiet the past couple of weeks - I appreciate all of you who have DM’d me - means a ton! This community serves me well. Just wanted to let you know that while my spouse approaches his 90 day sobriety - I have begun to start my own healing process. All the melodrama and aftershocks are tucked away post D-Day. Its time for me to start getting on and living again. I’m a strong man - it kills me to even take Advil when I have an ache or pain. I was a firm believer in “if you can’t talk to a good friend - then what the heck do you need a shrink for”???
Well my spouse’s porn addiction and sex addiction just about crippled me - let me restate this - it almost killed me. I have never been so hurt, felt so much pain and such low esteem, to where I questioned every day of the last 30 years of my relationship. HIS addiction kicked me in the balls, knocked me on my ass and took me for a really horrible, traumatic ride. I’m sure it will continue to do so going forward - but I decided I needed professional help. I began some intense BETRAYAL TRAUMA therapy and it makes sense to me. I’m not thrilled with being diagnosed with PTSD following this - but if the suit fits…. I really am learning some skills that take me out of my own head. The straw that broke the camel’s back was that…for the first time in my life…I was experiencing severe panic attacks - out of the blue…I would be driving and suddenly couldn’t breathe - had to pull over - sometimes threw up. It was then that I sought some professional help.
What it comes down to for me is the following: 1) The lies, the condescension, the secrecy and the online cheating are all BETRAYALS of our vows - I guess I just took them more seriously than he did - and the fact he didn’t - I just don’t know if I can get past that. 2) This is HIS ADDICTION - not mine - I will not become a victim - it happened - I’m supporting him in his recovery - but my life’s direction is still a big question mark - and that is OK - It looks like the average healing time, if it heals at all. - could be 16 - 24 months. We’re only at month 3 - so there is no need to rush. 3) There are still so many WHYs that I would like answers to - maybe I will get them someday - maybe never - I have to learn to live with that. 4) Trust - so important for me - it is now shattered and no matter how good my intentions might be - it will never be the same. He did that to my trust…not me…I can hold a grudge with the best of people…I just don’t think that trust will ever come close to being what it was. 5) The future - I really don’t know what it will hold. I have laid out my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept for the short term. I don’t like being in that position - but it is my only “sanity safeguard” for the time being. 6) I’ve moved past the “MY LIFE IS OVER” - we‘re all sinners, we all are flawed - some more than others - some just different situations. I do not hate my spouse, a lot of the anger has subsided…BUT….I definitely do not love him the way I used to. We’re tarnished.
As a recovering addict and alcoholic myself (33+ years) - I have great empathy for the addict…but porn/sex addiction is a tricky mf’er - I’ve never seen such high recidivism rates - constant slips and starts - addicts willing to give up their lives, livelihoods and their families for it.
We may not have had the best relationship in the world - but it was far from bad. There were times I wanted to walk away for other unrelated reasons…but all the time, I knew in my heart that HE WAS ENOUGH - my life was pretty damned good and I felt content and happy. I just will never understand why I wasn’t enough for him. I’m not speaking sexually - I am speaking as a partner in marriage - Its a question there really is no answer to - the brain is a wild and powerful tool…but that is the ultimate question I have to live with…and I never, ever wanted to live with THAT question.
Its incredibly difficult for the significant other - especially from a resource standpoint - even harder for a gay man in a same sex relationship going thru this - I’m kind of feeling around in the dark - trusting my gut and trying to overlay advice meant for wives and female partners.
Bottom line - it all sucks. I have a feeling he knows pretty darned well what this has done to me as a person…and as a partner. He’s working his sobriety hard - hasn’t missed a meeting - has had no slips - sees two therapists…I support that and am really proud of the work he is doing. BUT now its my time to live, feel and accept love again - I don’t know if it will be with him, someone else or alone on my own. NONE of those options are ominous to me anymore. After having gone through all of this and the excruciating pain it caused me - I have learned that I cannot and would not ever inflict that pain on anyone, let alone a spouse/partner - its cruel and inhumane - I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy - I’d rather pass 100 kidney stones in a day than revisit the pain I went through early on.
The Betrayal Trauma philosophy is simple and makes sense to me - I am opening myself up to help and accepting the help that is offered. At least I am not living in a fog like a fucking zombie anymore - I’m taking something to help with the panic attacks and have learned some ways to curtail them if I feel them coming on.
In all honesty, I would have rather taken a bullet to the shoulder, had a limb amputated or lost one of my senses before going through the pain of being the spouse of a porn/sex addict. I also believe it would be so much easier if it was an affair with a real person. But its not - so my only choice is to move forward…or at least stay in one place without going backwards - and try to find a way to be loved, the way I deserve to be loved.
I can’t tell you how therapeutic long walks with the dogs have been…as has reading all of your stories, heartaches and efforts to beat this truly horrible and under-recognized, crippling disease.
Peace to all - Mike
