equinox-ps
Member
I've been PM free for over 4 months now in my second real attempt at quitting over a span of 20 years of use. I've had zero slip ups, have been seeing two counselors per week, been training, dieting and spending more time on positive things like family or hobbies. My wife has made it pretty clear that despite the visible progress in my recovery, we're still on trajectory for a divorce due to my porn addiction. I understand that I've betrayed her at an incredibly intimate level and I understand it's her choice to leave. I've also accepted this outcome, shall it come to fruition. It just sucks and I would like to vent that here.
For the time being, my wife has agreed to work with me through this by and large because we have a child and because I think it's finally clear that I'm taking it seriously. We had a previous fall out from this about 5 years ago but all I did was "try harder." I didn't fully recognize how difficult the change would be and how much it would require to overcome. I also clearly didn't want to change or respect her like I should have. We have a tentative timeline of another 8 months to see progress she deems as acceptable to continue trying in the marriage, otherwise we're probably done.
The pressure is really difficult to bear and I feel like it impedes my ability to improve my sexual performances with her. You name it, and I've struggled with it in the bedroom (PE, ED, Performance Anxiety, DE). We've come to the point that she's generally no longer supportive in the bedroom. She will become angry if things don't work out well and that just feeds into more performance anxiety to fuel the next set of failures. I've associated sex with her with a lot of negative emotions and I would love to change that, she just typically refuses to be on board. She has worked with me before but tends to fall off again anytime it doesn't go well. Even my addiction therapist has said that I'm unlikely to improve without her support, so I have a lot of negative feelings towards her in that regard. If she's going to stay to try, I just wish she'd commit to being supportive while I try to rewire in a positive way.
My system is just a complete mess and I've seen only marginal improvement at best over the past 4 months. Still no morning wood, low libido, and probably one of the worst periods of sex between my wife and I in our 7.5 years of being together, which is really saying something. I haven't felt like I've had full, quality erections now for several years even after starting training and dieting. I also struggle pretty consistently with PE which makes it really frustrating for my wife when I get off before she does.
What's weird is that there's been a handful of times where we've had good sex back to back without issues, but there's no specific factor I can point out that was different. I really just feel like I have zero control over the outcome of my performance and I've tried pretty much everything so far. I've been working out and dieting now for about 2 months, getting back in good shape, 33 years old with healthy testosterone levels from recent blood panel, my sleep has been improving but stress is obviously quite high (doing what I can there). I've tried reverse kegels to relax the pelvic floor, I've tried regular kegels to stop ejaculation, I've tried taking natural anxiety reduction supplements, I've tried meditating, I've tried topical products and now I'm even looking into SSRIs. Nothing works consistently and it just reaffirms how messed up I am now.
One of the things that worries me the most is the lack of morning wood. Most guys say they get that back within a couple of months, but we're at 4 and I'm lucky to have a half hard on once a month at this point. I've been investigating other things in conjunction with my recovery in case there's something wrong in addition to the miswiring I've done to myself through my porn addiction. Lack of morning wood at this point makes me wonder if I have some additional physical issues contributing to my problem because the "reboot" simply isn't happening yet. I just can't work reliably and it's 100% going to ruin my marriage if I can't get it reasonably on track within the next 8 months or so.
I guess this post is more of a rant than anything. It just sucks being stuck in a seemingly dead marriage that I created and struggle so badly to fix on the physical connection side of things, I feel like I'm watching it slowly disintegrate and it depresses me to no end. I really loathe myself for the decisions I've made but try not to dwell on that and continue to focus on my recovery.
To anyone else in this boat, you're not alone. It sucks and I really believe we can fix ourselves with enough time and commitment.
For the time being, my wife has agreed to work with me through this by and large because we have a child and because I think it's finally clear that I'm taking it seriously. We had a previous fall out from this about 5 years ago but all I did was "try harder." I didn't fully recognize how difficult the change would be and how much it would require to overcome. I also clearly didn't want to change or respect her like I should have. We have a tentative timeline of another 8 months to see progress she deems as acceptable to continue trying in the marriage, otherwise we're probably done.
The pressure is really difficult to bear and I feel like it impedes my ability to improve my sexual performances with her. You name it, and I've struggled with it in the bedroom (PE, ED, Performance Anxiety, DE). We've come to the point that she's generally no longer supportive in the bedroom. She will become angry if things don't work out well and that just feeds into more performance anxiety to fuel the next set of failures. I've associated sex with her with a lot of negative emotions and I would love to change that, she just typically refuses to be on board. She has worked with me before but tends to fall off again anytime it doesn't go well. Even my addiction therapist has said that I'm unlikely to improve without her support, so I have a lot of negative feelings towards her in that regard. If she's going to stay to try, I just wish she'd commit to being supportive while I try to rewire in a positive way.
My system is just a complete mess and I've seen only marginal improvement at best over the past 4 months. Still no morning wood, low libido, and probably one of the worst periods of sex between my wife and I in our 7.5 years of being together, which is really saying something. I haven't felt like I've had full, quality erections now for several years even after starting training and dieting. I also struggle pretty consistently with PE which makes it really frustrating for my wife when I get off before she does.
What's weird is that there's been a handful of times where we've had good sex back to back without issues, but there's no specific factor I can point out that was different. I really just feel like I have zero control over the outcome of my performance and I've tried pretty much everything so far. I've been working out and dieting now for about 2 months, getting back in good shape, 33 years old with healthy testosterone levels from recent blood panel, my sleep has been improving but stress is obviously quite high (doing what I can there). I've tried reverse kegels to relax the pelvic floor, I've tried regular kegels to stop ejaculation, I've tried taking natural anxiety reduction supplements, I've tried meditating, I've tried topical products and now I'm even looking into SSRIs. Nothing works consistently and it just reaffirms how messed up I am now.
One of the things that worries me the most is the lack of morning wood. Most guys say they get that back within a couple of months, but we're at 4 and I'm lucky to have a half hard on once a month at this point. I've been investigating other things in conjunction with my recovery in case there's something wrong in addition to the miswiring I've done to myself through my porn addiction. Lack of morning wood at this point makes me wonder if I have some additional physical issues contributing to my problem because the "reboot" simply isn't happening yet. I just can't work reliably and it's 100% going to ruin my marriage if I can't get it reasonably on track within the next 8 months or so.
I guess this post is more of a rant than anything. It just sucks being stuck in a seemingly dead marriage that I created and struggle so badly to fix on the physical connection side of things, I feel like I'm watching it slowly disintegrate and it depresses me to no end. I really loathe myself for the decisions I've made but try not to dwell on that and continue to focus on my recovery.
To anyone else in this boat, you're not alone. It sucks and I really believe we can fix ourselves with enough time and commitment.
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