Something good is going to happen today...

lafanbo

New Member
Hello.

First time here, and thought it best to share my story from the start leading to the awful recent events that have hit me hard enough to consider how serious my addiction has become and the effects it has had/could continue to have on my relationship with my partner, the person I love and care about more than anything else in the universe. Seriously, finding her feels like an actual honest-to-god miracle and the thought of losing her because my own stupidity and bad decisions is too much to bear.

I guess my first real introduction to 'porn' (if this could even be called that) was when I was 7, I was staying at my aunt and uncle's house and couldn't sleep - I was homesick - and I went down to see them in the living room and they said I could sit with them for a while, and they were watching the Ken Russell adaptation of Lady Chatterley's Lover which was as raunchy as anyone would now expect.

After that I became more curious in the idea that - as someone who was passionately obsessed with movies and film - I could see pictures of actresses I thought were attractive nude. This was compounded in 1998, watching LOST IN SPACE and finding Heather Graham incredibly attractive - followed immediately by the release of BOOGIE NIGHTS on video, which my parents rented for me. They were always pretty open about letting me watch what I wanted (I was about 12 at this time) as they understood my love for movies and that I could discern between reality and fiction etc etc. To this day I still believe they were right, but this was definitely a trigger.

Not long after this, a combination of having access to satellite television (and the free promos of adult channels) in my room coupled with finding the CNDB website led to me discovering masturbation. First by accident - which was shameful enough that I didn't start again for another few months. It wasn't often as I was at home with my parents but by the time I was 15/16 it was pretty regular. Right before starting university I discovered Limewire and the ability to download porn for free (after only really watching porn at a friends house when he found his Dad's videos).

At university, the combination of freedom from home/my own space - and housemates who would also download porn made it so we'd trade with each other, rate pornstars etc - I think this is when my 'addiction' truly began, as it became increasingly clear that my addiction to porn wasn't really for sexual gratification but more towards collecting it "in case one day I needed it". If I ever needed/wanted to masturbate it would always be with whatever I'd found that day or just my imagination. And for the most part that's how it's continued.

I lost my virginity before this, at 17, but never managed to achieve orgasm with sex for various reasons, until I was 21... I guess this made me want to be more in control of when I could and would orgasm.

So I started collecting around 2007 and over the years I've been through phases of shame and disgust at myself and deleted everything before relapsing and building the collections up again.

My ability to have sex never diminished, I've never suffered from ED or similar... and porn didn't change my tastes, habits or preference for the kind of sex I was having in my life.

In 2016 I met my partner, the love of my life, and not a second has gone by that I don't consider myself the luckiest person in the world. Yet despite this (and after a momentary pause when we got together) I resumed collecting, occasionally deleting, then building it back up again. As before, my tastes were rather basic and never progressed to anything more extreme. Lockdown made this collecting more consistent as I was bored and seeking distraction.

Then earlier this year I lost access to my cloud-sharing account, which contained a lifetime of work and creative outlets and personal photos, writing etc. It was devastating. I enquired as to what had happened and they said I'd breached the ToS - which could be anything from illegal pornography to pirated movies and music etc - and it was irreversible. After a while this misery subsided. I knew I had some porn in the folder - one of the many stupid/bad decisions that's led to this point - and while I couldn't be sure that this is what caused it to be shut down, it still led me to purge my collection once and for all...

...and this lasted two months, before I started building it again. At this point I also became aware that this was an addiction, unhealthy behaviour. I contemplated therapy but talked myself out of it. At least once every week or two I'd feel guilty and shameful and delete things only to rebuild again... I wanted to talk to my partner about it but could never get the nerve. I wanted to quit but couldn't.

Then recently, the worst thing happened when police came to our residence with a warrant to search the property and seize harddrives and devices that may contain illegal content. It turned out the dropbox folder had had an illegal image in it and had prompted this investigation. After having everything taken away, in time devices and drives have slowly been given back to me as no content has been found - and the officer in charge of the investigation is now confident that the dropbox image found was a 'faux pas' and clearly an accident and that now it's a matter of when the case is closed, not if. Nothing else has been found (as I expected as I've never been into anything remotely non-mainstream or illegal) so that anxiety has begun to subside.

What this did though, was create great trauma in my partner - which is to be expected. Not only did four police officers enter our home while were sleeping but she also found out the love of her life is addicted to collecting pornography. She's angry that someone like me, who she considers to be smart and rational, could make so many bad decisions and stupid acts that could put us in a situation like this, and I completely understand this - but the thought of losing her has made me want to do anything possible to fix my self, re-wire my brain and overcome this addiction. She believes me, she trusts me, she still loves me - she's just finding it hard to understand how I could have consistently engaged in this behaviour.

As soon as the police investigation started I went and spoke to my parents about everything which was cathartic and helpful and fortunately they're on my side and wish to help me too. I know how lucky this makes me and I don't take it for granted. I've spoken to support groups, have set up therapy for the new year and we will also attend couples therapy when she's ready. I haven't really eaten much recently, the anxiety is too strong, but the desire to reboot and re-start my life is as powerful as anything has ever been.

I'm taking up regular exercise, mindfulness and meditation. Replacing the urge to look for porn to download with chores and achievable tasks that improve quality of life.

I will keep updating this journal as I go along, but this feels like a healthy place to start so I never put myself or anyone close to me in this situation again. Realising how much I could lose, never regain and what this would all mean is something I never want to be in the position to feel again.

I hope this wasn't too long and boring if anyone reads it. But I appreciate and feel grateful that this forum exists as a space to share these stories and feelings. I don't feel great about myself right now, but that's something I can work on.

Today is Day 2 of no porn. I'd like to see that number keep going up. I'm grateful for this group, my partner, my family, my dog, my friends and the trees outside my window which are so majestic I can never stop looking at them.

Everyday I start the day by saying "Something Good Is Going to Happen Today..." and believing it, manifesting it, is the challenge. A healthy challenge.
 

Weetakker

Member
Welcome, and do keep posting! I can tell you from personal experience that journaling with the depth that you are doing it helps. As you continue to do so, you will find yourself articulating things that you did not know where part of your subconscious. On the other hand, sometimes it feels go to unload to strangers who do not know you and whose judgement, therefore, is inconsequential.
 
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