Getting back to reality

SajithKR

Member
All my life I have been addicted to MO and then to PMO. It must be more than 35+ years. 5 years back I tried something new. No entertainments period. (No movie, no motion pictures even giff. No news, no music) I was alone at home and could keep it up for more than two weeks. That is when spirituality struck me like a flood. I read Autobiography of a yogi and did Inner Engineering from Isha Yoga. The thoughts of PMO just went like magic. It lasted long, but only 1+ years. I was stupid enough to treat myself to some soft porn in YouTube. In few months I was back to where I was with PMO and hard core website. I never got the will to do the no entertainments exercise again, but was regular with my Yoga practices. That helped in keeping my mental sanity and good health. I still struggled to cross 10+ days. One time I crossed 100 again but fell back when there was some trouble in family and badly needed a diversion. 50 days back I decided that I will not fall back ever and stumbled upon this forum. Each time I have an urge, I come to a thread I was following and write my feelings. That helped a lot, but I realised I was hijacking someone else's thread. So here I am starting a fresh post. It is now Day 53 with no Porn. It was not easy but this forum helped me a lot. Sharing feeling is a big relief.
 
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SajithKR

Member
Day 54. Last night I went out to drop my wife. Saw many beautiful womens in stylish party wear. The porn urge came rushing back. I realised that I am still fragile. May be Iam thinking that these beautiful womens are any way out of my reach, so why not have them in porn. Good that I overcome the urge. If this is the condition, going out and meeting people could be a challenge. Is it normal to get urge like this?
 

SajithKR

Member
Day 55. Just normal day. Heard 2hr of Gary's talks while doing home chores. Got some eye opener to how i relapsed my earlier great attempts. Looks like i have to wait long to see some benefits of stopping this. My main issue is inability to have long lasting friendships. I stopped even trying 10-15 years back and made up my mind that I don't need any friends. I am out of facebook and other social show-off websites and I am happier than before.
 

SajithKR

Member
Day 57: Recently, I am profoundly getting involved in share market trading and trying to come up with strategies. So not getting time to think of anything else. This is more thrilling and exciting than anything that I know is acceptable to me. Maybe this is another addiction. Not sure if I am replacing one addiction with another addiction or if it is a genuine and acceptable thing to do. It is legal and I am paying taxes, and the internet is full of advice on how to invest, but not many discuss this in my circles. So this makes me feel like an outcast. Anyway, I am able to handle loss or profit without much fuss. Earlier when there are days with loss, I used to think of PMO to get it off my mind. Now I am able to handle bad situations without the PMO pile. Hope this stays like this, but I am not liking the fact that my mind is totally occupied with the share market and is missing life to some extent. Maybe when I gain more experience, it will not be so engrossing.
 

SajithKR

Member
Staying late night to do something is a trigger. Especially when you try so much and figure out that it is not going the way you want. When I feel that I am slipping, I take some time to post a comment here. Even if it is just few lines, it helps me getting control back. Now let me sleep happily knowing that I didn't fall for it.
 

SajithKR

Member
Day 59: Doing fine. Not so great but ok. No urges but is not interested in anything including real sex. Just keeping away from social life outside of family and getting mindlessly involved in trying to come up with some strategy in the share market which everyone knows is not possible.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Day 59: Doing fine. Not so great but ok. No urges but is not interested in anything including real sex. Just keeping away from social life outside of family and getting mindlessly involved in trying to come up with some strategy in the share market which everyone knows is not possible.
You're doing great man, keep it up 🙂.
 

SajithKR

Member
Day 63: Feeling a bit tired today. As the body is weak, the mind is also weak. The thought of lying down in bed and doing PMO comes back. See how vulnerable I am. That reminds me to come back and write a post. Last few nights I had removed settings in the phone to go black and white after 10pm. Staying back late night with phone is not a good idea to maintain reboot. So I changed back the setting today morning. I should not change it back tonight. I understand that I am vulnerable, and this is what is helping me. Accepting the truth and not praising myself and understanding that my target is not small.
 

SajithKR

Member
Day 64: It is getting harder. Struggling to keep away from porn but holding on. As of now watching some video from Dr Trish. I feel I am back to 10 day time. There is no urge to see Porn, but I think my brain is crying out for dopamine and I know what will satisfy it. Everything seems so uninteresting. I am simply logging in to work daily, but not doing much. I am also a manager but have no interest to give work to the team and guide them. Actually, there is no pressing work. So just leaving them to do what they like. This is the toughest period in reboot. When you have nothing so important and urgent to do. It is easy to get distracted and convince yourself to enjoy Porn. Sorry, I don't have that freedom.
 

SajithKR

Member
Day 67: Holding on. I did watch some family entertainment movies till 3 am last night. My mind was a bit disturbed and I could not sleep. So I started watching movies till 3 am and then got up at 6 am.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Day 64: It is getting harder. Struggling to keep away from porn but holding on. As of now watching some video from Dr Trish. I feel I am back to 10 day time. There is no urge to see Porn, but I think my brain is crying out for dopamine and I know what will satisfy it. Everything seems so uninteresting. I am simply logging in to work daily, but not doing much. I am also a manager but have no interest to give work to the team and guide them. Actually, there is no pressing work. So just leaving them to do what they like. This is the toughest period in reboot. When you have nothing so important and urgent to do. It is easy to get distracted and convince yourself to enjoy Porn. Sorry, I don't have that freedom.

@SajithKR
Relearning interest in everything is the foundation of successful recovery. It is based on 3 simple factors:
1. Slow down
2. Gratitude
3. Focus

It's just slowing down to focus on the roses while being grateful that there are roses and time to appreciate, and gratitude for the people who made it possible.

Please give it a try!
 

SajithKR

Member
Day 70: Feeling better. I tried finding reasons for gratitude and there are plenty. So that was good. That made me feel closer to some. I never missed anyone in my life. I trained myself to be ok even if I am lonely and now I don't like to be in a group for long. I don't log in and check others' posts on FB so that I don't get nasty thoughts about being lonely and uninteresting. Ignorance is bliss. So I just mind my own business and will be in my own world. Now I am 43 and have a family and kids and yet don't feel close to anyone except my daughter. Still, I am ok with not even seeing her for long if I know that she is doing good. If I know that any of my family members are in trouble, I would do everything in my power to help, yet I don't feel bad if I don't see them for long. Maybe, this gratitude exercise will help me to really connect with people and genuinely miss them and say that I miss them. Now the reality is that I don't miss anyone and I think there is something wrong with me.
 

SajithKR

Member
Day 72: Smile when you are happy. Amazing that it works the other way also. Just show your teeth and stretch your chin to put an artificial smile. Suddenly you feel lighter and genuinely happier for no reason. Your focus should be on making the smile look as genuine as possible. When you get a bat thought, just smile and see the effects. The trick is to remember this. I keep forgetting this enen if this has helped me in the past.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Day 70: Feeling better. I tried finding reasons for gratitude and there are plenty. So that was good. That made me feel closer to some. I never missed anyone in my life. I trained myself to be ok even if I am lonely and now I don't like to be in a group for long. I don't log in and check others' posts on FB so that I don't get nasty thoughts about being lonely and uninteresting. Ignorance is bliss. So I just mind my own business and will be in my own world. Now I am 43 and have a family and kids and yet don't feel close to anyone except my daughter. Still, I am ok with not even seeing her for long if I know that she is doing good. If I know that any of my family members are in trouble, I would do everything in my power to help, yet I don't feel bad if I don't see them for long. Maybe, this gratitude exercise will help me to really connect with people and genuinely miss them and say that I miss them. Now the reality is that I don't miss anyone and I think there is something wrong with me.
We are who we are, so there's no need to worry about it.

Having said that, we can only receive what we give. We cannot feel connected with people we don't extend ourselves to. So the only way is to try to be more involved, concerned, empathetic, aware in their lives. This requires opening our hearts and is different to helping out via effort or support. We begin to feel others more when we can "live" their lives together with them more.
 

SajithKR

Member
Day 81: I feels I am getting good at it and that I could keep this for ever. I have to deal with my issues and not take refuge on PMO. My imotions are my problem and I have to face it. At times I could be sad, depressed and lonely. It is my responsibility to come out of it more wiser. Use it to grow stronger.
 

SajithKR

Member
Day 84: Recently I am having frequent sex with my wife. Most of the time, she is initiating it and I happily oblige. Not sure if it has something to do with reboot. Maybe she is sensing some change in me. She s not aware of the re-root. The good part is, I was able to do it without any guilt or porn images flashing in my mind and also without any thought about how I will perform. It is working out well and is helping me bond better with my loved one.
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Keep it up! We tell ourselves our addiction doesn't have any consequences in the real world - but it does. I think we only discover how good our REAL sex life could be once we quit - whether it helps us find someone, have less performance issues and anxiety, or just being interested in our partners and exuding that energy which makes THEM want to jump on us.

Keep doing it with your wife in real life!
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Day 84: Recently I am having frequent sex with my wife. Most of the time, she is initiating it and I happily oblige. Not sure if it has something to do with reboot. Maybe she is sensing some change in me. She s not aware of the re-root. The good part is, I was able to do it without any guilt or porn images flashing in my mind and also without any thought about how I will perform. It is working out well and is helping me bond better with my loved one.
Yeah, something most porn addicts don't recognize is that porn promotes performance anxiety.
Porn is a performance.
And watching too much porn turns us into performers, and teaches us to focus on the performance rather than the partner.
We'll come off feeling dissatisfied because we were "working" more than we were connecting.

It's the same as watching too much tv serials until we begin to think and behave like the actors.

So no porn is good for relationships. Most women aren't into porn. They seek connection not performance.
 

SajithKR

Member
Day 92: I forgot that I am in re boot and I need to update in forum . It feels natural to not think about sex and porn. Those thoughts are not there now. Never thought such day will come. Now I have to just maintain it and not get carried away. That should not be that tough now, but the conscious effort should be there.
 
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