First of all Hi!
I decided to share my story because I'm really at my wits end and hopefully you'll be able to share some advice.
I'm 38. Straight.
When I was 26 I developed HOCD which went untreated and it demolished my sense of sexuality, this led to depression. I haven't had a proper relationship in years, too insecure to have it, but I decided to combat HOCD and I might have done the dumbest thing.
I was already a heavy porn user quite far down the rabbit hole because I used porn for depression and to substitute for a relationship.
And it was suggested to me to tackle HOCD by watching bi/gay porn as a form of CBT therapy. I think you might guess what happened next. I got fucking turned on by it way more than regular stuff.
The upside is - my HOCD is pretty much gone now. The downside - this is pretty much the only thing that gets me going now! WTF!! I've never been and I'm not attracted to same sex IRL at all, so this bullshit turn on only exists in porn I watch which is super impulsive to begin with. But it does have an effect on IRL relationships because they don't come close to the stuff I watch and that's depressing. What's worse is that I read somewhere online is that once you 'open this door, you can't close it', so... is that it? Did I just ruin my sexuality forever and there's no coming back to how it was? I'm fully committed to dropping porn completely, I just need to know if this is going to work. In that, I know it may restore my true attraction to opposite sex but at the same will it make me not respond to that bullshit same sex porn addiction/attraction? Because whenever I succumb to that, there's only one fun moment about that and then it all turns into severe depression and anxiety, questioning myself and it's horrific.
Any help or input would be helpful, I'm seriously grasping at straws now.
Thanks!
I decided to share my story because I'm really at my wits end and hopefully you'll be able to share some advice.
I'm 38. Straight.
When I was 26 I developed HOCD which went untreated and it demolished my sense of sexuality, this led to depression. I haven't had a proper relationship in years, too insecure to have it, but I decided to combat HOCD and I might have done the dumbest thing.
I was already a heavy porn user quite far down the rabbit hole because I used porn for depression and to substitute for a relationship.
And it was suggested to me to tackle HOCD by watching bi/gay porn as a form of CBT therapy. I think you might guess what happened next. I got fucking turned on by it way more than regular stuff.
The upside is - my HOCD is pretty much gone now. The downside - this is pretty much the only thing that gets me going now! WTF!! I've never been and I'm not attracted to same sex IRL at all, so this bullshit turn on only exists in porn I watch which is super impulsive to begin with. But it does have an effect on IRL relationships because they don't come close to the stuff I watch and that's depressing. What's worse is that I read somewhere online is that once you 'open this door, you can't close it', so... is that it? Did I just ruin my sexuality forever and there's no coming back to how it was? I'm fully committed to dropping porn completely, I just need to know if this is going to work. In that, I know it may restore my true attraction to opposite sex but at the same will it make me not respond to that bullshit same sex porn addiction/attraction? Because whenever I succumb to that, there's only one fun moment about that and then it all turns into severe depression and anxiety, questioning myself and it's horrific.
Any help or input would be helpful, I'm seriously grasping at straws now.
Thanks!