HelloThere
Member
Hi,
I am coming from a nice streak for 2-3 weeks but relapsed today. So this is why I try to share my story and journal my progress here.
My porn use started early, at somewhat around the age of 14. Back then, I started being into girls but also discovered porn. As I was quite good with computers and now also work as a computer scientist, I grew up with the rise of high-speed internet porn and getting access was easy for me.
In 2019, I did an exchange year and first heard about no fap. At that time, I watched porn almost every second day. I realized that I had huge triggers. When my roommates left or I came home and realized no one was there, I immediately went to my room to watch some porn. Clicking on the next video and not finishing was a standard for me, and I always searched endlessly for the best video. At that point, I looked back over the years, and I can't remember when I didn't watch porn. I want to recap my porn use over the years briefly. When I was 18, I had a girlfriend for a few months. We had some intimacy, and I remember having a good time with her, but I also remember going home some days after meeting her and watching porn afterwards. Why would I do that? We broke up, and I started my studies. At the beginning of my studies, my porn use was regular. I was gaming and fapping or going to parties and fapping afterwards. I have always wanted to meet a nice girl, but for some reason, whenever I had a date, we had a good time, and in the end, we only became friends. I consider myself average looking, and I am more of an extroverted person who does not have problems having a fun conversation. When it comes to asking girls out or telling them what I feel, I am super bad, and I turn into super shy mode
Even though I somehow managed to go on many dates each year, I never got into an intimate relationship. I would not say I am a shy guy, but when it comes to girls, my brain finds a hundred reasons not to make a move. After a date, I usually tell myself that I will make a move next time and then watch some porn.
So after hearing about no fap in 2019, I tried it out. It worked for a few weeks, and then I returned to my old porn habits. I first started masturbating and then used porn again. In my porn free time, I kissed a girl, which might be because of my break. I don't quite remember why I relapsed, but I didn't bother much back then and did not try again. Then some time passed, and Covid started. This was when things turned really bad. At that time, I focused a lot on my studies and got good grades for the first time. Strangely, at the same time, I lost my confidence in my job and got a lot more anxious in all kinds of life situations. When I was watching porn, I felt tired, and my concentration was bad on some days. These symptoms were new, and quitting porn helped make them go away! I was feeling a lot more energized and motivated. I was reading Your Brain on Porn, and it was the beginning of an almost 90 days streak.
After this streak, due to the ups and downs of the covid winters, I fell back into a cycle of quitting porn for two weeks up to two months and relapsing again. Thinking about the triggers that get me, I came up with this list:
- 1. When no one is home, I have to be careful!
- 2. When I am at a family gathering, and everyone asks if I have a girlfriend, my chance of relapse skyrockets...
- 3. I lack self-control when I get home drunk from a party and feel lonely. This is one of the reasons why I am more willing to not drink on some occasions.
- 4. Another thing that seems to get me is when I am with some happy couples, and I wish I could have something similar.
So after the ups and downs of the last two years, I want to write something positive. When I relapse, I sometimes watch porn for one or two weeks and then start quitting again. I already learned that it is a good idea to have as many blockers installed on all devices as possible. Also, I know that porn-related anxiety disappears when I stop watching porn. Sometimes I could even prevent some relapses when scrolling through some porn site. I stopped when I realized it was all fake, and I watched other people having sex while sitting alone in front of my desk, jerking off to some pixels.
So today Is the second Christmas day (I am from Germany, and we celebrate from the 24th till the 26th). I came home from my family visit, survived a huge urge (success!), and then after cleaning my flat, relapsed (no success :,D ). And now I am here trying to write everything down and sharing my story. I set myself a new goal to write every day a few lines and stay porn and masturbation free for the next month. In the last month, everything went quite well, so with the help of journaling and the community, I want to quit once and for all! Next year I will move into a new flat and want to go there porn free in the hope that I won't build new porn triggers. If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and I hope to see you in the comment section.
PS: Usually, I start at some point to masturbate again and not feel bad about it. But then, after some time, it seemed like I also wanted to use porn again. I wonder when it is safe to masturbate again and if you have some tricks on not falling back to porn because of it.
I am coming from a nice streak for 2-3 weeks but relapsed today. So this is why I try to share my story and journal my progress here.
My porn use started early, at somewhat around the age of 14. Back then, I started being into girls but also discovered porn. As I was quite good with computers and now also work as a computer scientist, I grew up with the rise of high-speed internet porn and getting access was easy for me.
In 2019, I did an exchange year and first heard about no fap. At that time, I watched porn almost every second day. I realized that I had huge triggers. When my roommates left or I came home and realized no one was there, I immediately went to my room to watch some porn. Clicking on the next video and not finishing was a standard for me, and I always searched endlessly for the best video. At that point, I looked back over the years, and I can't remember when I didn't watch porn. I want to recap my porn use over the years briefly. When I was 18, I had a girlfriend for a few months. We had some intimacy, and I remember having a good time with her, but I also remember going home some days after meeting her and watching porn afterwards. Why would I do that? We broke up, and I started my studies. At the beginning of my studies, my porn use was regular. I was gaming and fapping or going to parties and fapping afterwards. I have always wanted to meet a nice girl, but for some reason, whenever I had a date, we had a good time, and in the end, we only became friends. I consider myself average looking, and I am more of an extroverted person who does not have problems having a fun conversation. When it comes to asking girls out or telling them what I feel, I am super bad, and I turn into super shy mode
Even though I somehow managed to go on many dates each year, I never got into an intimate relationship. I would not say I am a shy guy, but when it comes to girls, my brain finds a hundred reasons not to make a move. After a date, I usually tell myself that I will make a move next time and then watch some porn. So after hearing about no fap in 2019, I tried it out. It worked for a few weeks, and then I returned to my old porn habits. I first started masturbating and then used porn again. In my porn free time, I kissed a girl, which might be because of my break. I don't quite remember why I relapsed, but I didn't bother much back then and did not try again. Then some time passed, and Covid started. This was when things turned really bad. At that time, I focused a lot on my studies and got good grades for the first time. Strangely, at the same time, I lost my confidence in my job and got a lot more anxious in all kinds of life situations. When I was watching porn, I felt tired, and my concentration was bad on some days. These symptoms were new, and quitting porn helped make them go away! I was feeling a lot more energized and motivated. I was reading Your Brain on Porn, and it was the beginning of an almost 90 days streak.
After this streak, due to the ups and downs of the covid winters, I fell back into a cycle of quitting porn for two weeks up to two months and relapsing again. Thinking about the triggers that get me, I came up with this list:
- 1. When no one is home, I have to be careful!
- 2. When I am at a family gathering, and everyone asks if I have a girlfriend, my chance of relapse skyrockets...
- 3. I lack self-control when I get home drunk from a party and feel lonely. This is one of the reasons why I am more willing to not drink on some occasions.
- 4. Another thing that seems to get me is when I am with some happy couples, and I wish I could have something similar.
So after the ups and downs of the last two years, I want to write something positive. When I relapse, I sometimes watch porn for one or two weeks and then start quitting again. I already learned that it is a good idea to have as many blockers installed on all devices as possible. Also, I know that porn-related anxiety disappears when I stop watching porn. Sometimes I could even prevent some relapses when scrolling through some porn site. I stopped when I realized it was all fake, and I watched other people having sex while sitting alone in front of my desk, jerking off to some pixels.
So today Is the second Christmas day (I am from Germany, and we celebrate from the 24th till the 26th). I came home from my family visit, survived a huge urge (success!), and then after cleaning my flat, relapsed (no success :,D ). And now I am here trying to write everything down and sharing my story. I set myself a new goal to write every day a few lines and stay porn and masturbation free for the next month. In the last month, everything went quite well, so with the help of journaling and the community, I want to quit once and for all! Next year I will move into a new flat and want to go there porn free in the hope that I won't build new porn triggers. If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and I hope to see you in the comment section.
PS: Usually, I start at some point to masturbate again and not feel bad about it. But then, after some time, it seemed like I also wanted to use porn again. I wonder when it is safe to masturbate again and if you have some tricks on not falling back to porn because of it.
. Comparing it with last week, it's like my energy level is on a different level. I always forget what not watching porn for a couple of days does to me. Hopefully, reading it here when bad urges will help when big urges arrive. Compared with the last reboots, this one is going well so far. It could be because I have done a few before and/or because my life is currently in a good way. See you tomorrow!