Breaking the quit and relapse cycle

Hi,

I am coming from a nice streak for 2-3 weeks but relapsed today. So this is why I try to share my story and journal my progress here.

My porn use started early, at somewhat around the age of 14. Back then, I started being into girls but also discovered porn. As I was quite good with computers and now also work as a computer scientist, I grew up with the rise of high-speed internet porn and getting access was easy for me.

In 2019, I did an exchange year and first heard about no fap. At that time, I watched porn almost every second day. I realized that I had huge triggers. When my roommates left or I came home and realized no one was there, I immediately went to my room to watch some porn. Clicking on the next video and not finishing was a standard for me, and I always searched endlessly for the best video. At that point, I looked back over the years, and I can't remember when I didn't watch porn. I want to recap my porn use over the years briefly. When I was 18, I had a girlfriend for a few months. We had some intimacy, and I remember having a good time with her, but I also remember going home some days after meeting her and watching porn afterwards. Why would I do that? We broke up, and I started my studies. At the beginning of my studies, my porn use was regular. I was gaming and fapping or going to parties and fapping afterwards. I have always wanted to meet a nice girl, but for some reason, whenever I had a date, we had a good time, and in the end, we only became friends. I consider myself average looking, and I am more of an extroverted person who does not have problems having a fun conversation. When it comes to asking girls out or telling them what I feel, I am super bad, and I turn into super shy mode :D Even though I somehow managed to go on many dates each year, I never got into an intimate relationship. I would not say I am a shy guy, but when it comes to girls, my brain finds a hundred reasons not to make a move. After a date, I usually tell myself that I will make a move next time and then watch some porn.

So after hearing about no fap in 2019, I tried it out. It worked for a few weeks, and then I returned to my old porn habits. I first started masturbating and then used porn again. In my porn free time, I kissed a girl, which might be because of my break. I don't quite remember why I relapsed, but I didn't bother much back then and did not try again. Then some time passed, and Covid started. This was when things turned really bad. At that time, I focused a lot on my studies and got good grades for the first time. Strangely, at the same time, I lost my confidence in my job and got a lot more anxious in all kinds of life situations. When I was watching porn, I felt tired, and my concentration was bad on some days. These symptoms were new, and quitting porn helped make them go away! I was feeling a lot more energized and motivated. I was reading Your Brain on Porn, and it was the beginning of an almost 90 days streak.

After this streak, due to the ups and downs of the covid winters, I fell back into a cycle of quitting porn for two weeks up to two months and relapsing again. Thinking about the triggers that get me, I came up with this list:

- 1. When no one is home, I have to be careful!
- 2. When I am at a family gathering, and everyone asks if I have a girlfriend, my chance of relapse skyrockets...
- 3. I lack self-control when I get home drunk from a party and feel lonely. This is one of the reasons why I am more willing to not drink on some occasions.
- 4. Another thing that seems to get me is when I am with some happy couples, and I wish I could have something similar.

So after the ups and downs of the last two years, I want to write something positive. When I relapse, I sometimes watch porn for one or two weeks and then start quitting again. I already learned that it is a good idea to have as many blockers installed on all devices as possible. Also, I know that porn-related anxiety disappears when I stop watching porn. Sometimes I could even prevent some relapses when scrolling through some porn site. I stopped when I realized it was all fake, and I watched other people having sex while sitting alone in front of my desk, jerking off to some pixels.

So today Is the second Christmas day (I am from Germany, and we celebrate from the 24th till the 26th). I came home from my family visit, survived a huge urge (success!), and then after cleaning my flat, relapsed (no success :,D ). And now I am here trying to write everything down and sharing my story. I set myself a new goal to write every day a few lines and stay porn and masturbation free for the next month. In the last month, everything went quite well, so with the help of journaling and the community, I want to quit once and for all! Next year I will move into a new flat and want to go there porn free in the hope that I won't build new porn triggers. If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and I hope to see you in the comment section.

PS: Usually, I start at some point to masturbate again and not feel bad about it. But then, after some time, it seemed like I also wanted to use porn again. I wonder when it is safe to masturbate again and if you have some tricks on not falling back to porn because of it.
 
Day 1
Today was okay. I was at work, doing some sport and meeting a good friend in the evening. During the day, I felt low on energy but managed to get some work done. The rest of the day was better :)


Thanks for the hint! I checked out some of her videos, and they look helpful.
Hello! Thank you for sharing. We're fortunate to have Dr Trish Leigh to help and advise. She's good!

 
I hope you find what works for you! I am still searching myself, and it seems like I have almost found what I need to recover. When I am confident that my methods work, I will be glad to share them.

Keep working on your recovery! Every failure is an opportunity to learn. You will benefit a lot of other people by finding your way out of this!
 
Thanks for your message :) Good luck on journey!

Day 2
Yesterday was okayish. I had the after christmas and before new years vibe where you don‘t now what time is it and are a bit lost :D I reflected a bit on the last year and it was personally for me a good year in comparison with the previous ones.
 
Day 3
Had a good day. Did some training and went on a nice walk in the evening. Overall I felt a bit more energized compared to the previous days.
 
What are your ways of dealing with it? For me going on a walk does wonder. I can feel like shit, go outside, and my mind changes. Reading about how the progress of others in the forum and how they are feeling seems to help :)

Day 4
I have a lot of work done, and I am looking forward to the weekend and New Year's Eve. Also, it feels like I get a lot of sleep which helps. It is a nice routine to reflect on the day and see what went well and how I felt.
 
Day 5
Yesterday was good. I did some sports and then waited for New Year's Eve. I spent the evening with some friends, and we had a good time. Usually, I get quite a bad feeling when I am with some couples, especially those already a few steps ahead in life. It makes me feel behind because I have not yet met my significant other, and I get this deep feeling of loneliness. On the other hand, when there are single girls, l feel pressured to connect with them, or otherwise, I will stay single for the rest of my life. After such nights and in combination with alcohol, I often go back to binging porn.

This time I was telling myself that I didn't have to connect with any girl and just tried to enjoy myself without worrying too much about everything. Also, I told myself that these are the situations where I usually fall back on a binge and that I have to be careful not to go into the loophole of negative thoughts. This worked quite well, and I enjoyed the evening a lot.

So far, the week is going well. I am focusing on my sleep (except last night), and I do not have any super strong urges yet :)

I wish you all a nice and porn-free year! I hope you succeed with your goals and find what makes you happy in life. 🎆
 

cheeseck

Member
Day 5
Yesterday was good. I did some sports and then waited for New Year's Eve. I spent the evening with some friends, and we had a good time. Usually, I get quite a bad feeling when I am with some couples, especially those already a few steps ahead in life. It makes me feel behind because I have not yet met my significant other, and I get this deep feeling of loneliness. On the other hand, when there are single girls, l feel pressured to connect with them, or otherwise, I will stay single for the rest of my life. After such nights and in combination with alcohol, I often go back to binging porn.

This time I was telling myself that I didn't have to connect with any girl and just tried to enjoy myself without worrying too much about everything. Also, I told myself that these are the situations where I usually fall back on a binge and that I have to be careful not to go into the loophole of negative thoughts. This worked quite well, and I enjoyed the evening a lot.

So far, the week is going well. I am focusing on my sleep (except last night), and I do not have any super strong urges yet :)

I wish you all a nice and porn-free year! I hope you succeed with your goals and find what makes you happy in life. 🎆
That's so great to hear man! I like how you are conscious about your thoughts and the environment! This is super important to understand. hope this year brings u loads of success, whatever that means to u.
 
Yesterday was good. I did some sports and then waited for New Year's Eve. I spent the evening with some friends, and we had a good time. Usually, I get quite a bad feeling when I am with some couples, especially those already a few steps ahead in life. It makes me feel behind because I have not yet met my significant other, and I get this deep feeling of loneliness. On the other hand, when there are single girls, l feel pressured to connect with them, or otherwise, I will stay single for the rest of my life. After such nights and in combination with alcohol, I often go back to binging porn.
It sounds like the antidote here is to work on wishing others well in their relationships and being happy for their happiness. Feeling like you're behind comes from worry about oneself. This isn't to judge, it's a habit we all learn. I used to be so unhappy and miserable when I worried so much about my own happiness and success. That all reduces and the world becomes lighter when the happiness of others is more important. It takes work, but is well worth it.
 
Day 6 +7

That's so great to hear man! I like how you are conscious about your thoughts and the environment! This is super important to understand. hope this year brings u loads of success, whatever that means to u.

Thank you both for your kind words! I think it is journaling that helps to reflect. It's like forcing you to sit down and think about stuff. I also use a paper journal whenever I can't sleep. Then I dump all my thoughts into the journal until I can sleep again. Maybe this can be useful for some people as well :D

It sounds like the antidote here is to work on wishing others well in their relationships and being happy for their happiness. Feeling like you're behind comes from worry about oneself. This isn't to judge, it's a habit we all learn. I used to be so unhappy and miserable when I worried so much about my own happiness and success. That all reduces and the world becomes lighter when the happiness of others is more important. It takes work, but is well worth it.

Yes, I agree. Sometimes you get lost in your sorrow, and focusing on something else seems like a good way to deal with it. So why not focus on the happiness of others? :) But yes, taking that into practice might not be super easy, but I think this is a good hint on what to do more of.

So yesterday, I was a bit hungover from New Years' Eve, but it was okayish. I spent the day outdoors with friends, which was definitely the best way to start my year. In the evening I listened to some music and cooked some nice food. Today I was mostly working, but it was a successful day. In the moments I was not occupied during the last days, my brain occasionally put up a few sexual thoughts. The "I could watch porn" thought also came. In a previous reboot cycle, I learned from another rebooter that when he encounters such thoughts, he immediately says "STOP" in his mind and tries to think about something else. So far, this has worked like a charm. When the strong urges come, and this does not help, my master plan is to just go for a walk. Last time I did not have such a plan, so let's see how that works. First week done!
 
Day 8
Nothing special today, just work and training. Both were good. I had a sexual dream when I woke up, but nothing weird or porn related. Felt a bit overenergized today and even cleaned my flat 😅. Comparing it with last week, it's like my energy level is on a different level. I always forget what not watching porn for a couple of days does to me. Hopefully, reading it here when bad urges will help when big urges arrive. Compared with the last reboots, this one is going well so far. It could be because I have done a few before and/or because my life is currently in a good way. See you tomorrow!
 

Jochen999

Member
Day 8
Nothing special today, just work and training. Both were good. I had a sexual dream when I woke up, but nothing weird or porn related. Felt a bit overenergized today and even cleaned my flat 😅. Comparing it with last week, it's like my energy level is on a different level. I always forget what not watching porn for a couple of days does to me. Hopefully, reading it here when bad urges will help when big urges arrive. Compared with the last reboots, this one is going well so far. It could be because I have done a few before and/or because my life is currently in a good way. See you tomorrow!
Great to hear. Keep up the good work!
 
Day 9 + 10
Wednesday was good. After doing lots of work, my motivation dropped a bit yesterday. Today was the same, but I managed to make good progress. Feels Good :) I also went on a run and did some sports today. Whenever a sexual thought comes up, I think about something else. My days are mostly trigger-free because I work most of the time and do sports or read in the evening. When I see something that could be sexual, I immediately close the page or scroll further. My dick went to hibernation the last days, maybe the flatline? This reboot so far feels a lot better than the previous ones. Maybe it's because I don't spend much time at home and got quite a nice routine going. Also, journaling helps. See you tomorrow!
 
Day 9 + 10
Wednesday was good. After doing lots of work, my motivation dropped a bit yesterday. Today was the same, but I managed to make good progress. Feels Good :) I also went on a run and did some sports today. Whenever a sexual thought comes up, I think about something else. My days are mostly trigger-free because I work most of the time and do sports or read in the evening. When I see something that could be sexual, I immediately close the page or scroll further. My dick went to hibernation the last days, maybe the flatline? This reboot so far feels a lot better than the previous ones. Maybe it's because I don't spend much time at home and got quite a nice routine going. Also, journaling helps. See you tomorrow!
Hitting the double digit days, nice! Looking forward to future posts
 
Day 12 + 13
I am getting close to hitting the two weeks mark. Saturday was good. Did some sports in the morning and relaxed a bit during the day. Then I went to meet a friend in the evening. Did not think about sexual stuff much.

Today though was the hardest day of this reboot so far. I got a bit lost in watching YouTube all day. In the last few years, I got rid of all social media. It did not hurt much to not be on these platforms, but it improved how I felt. One thing that always stays with me is YouTube. Maybe this is because I think that it has some practical use, for example, if you want to watch a lecture or learn about something new. Also, I watch sport related videos from a few channels, but it is not excessive. On some days like today, when I don't have anything planned, this is my go-to thing to do. I am bored, let's watch some videos, eat something, have nothing to do, and go back and watch some videos. This repeats until there are no videos left to watch, or I get bored watching, and my brain is like, "we could watch some porn, maybe this is interesting".
Additionally, I woke up with a boner today and felt horny the whole day. So after watching youtube for a while, I noticed the thoughts popping up and convinced myself to go for a long walk. This helped with the urges for a while. Now they are back but manageable. I think I will go for another safety walk, read something and go to bed.

I add spending too much time on youtube to my "be careful" list. Also, I limited my daily youtube use and blocked it for a few days. Also, I need to find something I can do when I have already gone to sports or have nothing scheduled with friends. Do you have some recommendations on what I can do?

Today I won't relapse. Tomorrow is the two weeks mark!
 
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