It's time to change

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logicprox

Well-Known Member
85 days. Last night was probably my hardest night in over a month. It was partially a unique and unexpected situation, but after some thought I realize I contributed to it unnecessarily so I will address that so it’s not something that happens going forward.

There was a tattoo artist convention in my city and a friend who has been thinking of getting a tattoo wanted to go so I tagged along. The artists had booths displaying a lot of their work and designs they could give. I could have and would have never expected the level of obsession with naked women that tattoo artists apparently have. I swear that made up 50% of the designs.

That part I did my best to deal with by just not focusing on it and that generally went ok enough. The other part was that there was an unbelievably beautiful girl at one of the booths, who also dressed quite revealingly. Call me delusional, but after we talked to her at the booth I swear I caught her looking at me a few times. The friend I was with was female and she and I actually have some history so I at least felt like I couldn’t try to flirt with her or get her number.

And I let my mind marinade on that. The frustration of not being able to do anything about this beautiful women who seemed interested in me, and thinking about if there was some way I could meet her later. And that thought process continued throughout our time there and after I got home.

I went to bed no problem but I woke up in the middle of the night (classic) with it STILL on my mind. I ended up MOing thinking about her but it was also the first time I actually felt inclined to go use porn, to find a girl that looked like her. I did not do that but that feeling scared me.

Of course getting scared is good sometimes, it can keep me on track. I think the most important thing is I learned a lesson here that needed to be learned. I do this a lot. Get fixated on some unobtainable girl and get frustrated about some “unfair” reason I can’t obtain her. But that’s no more rational than fixating on a porn star. If they aren’t here with me, if there isn’t a possibility of anything happening, if there is nothing that I can do about that, then just like any other urge, I just need to let it pass.

Focusing on things that are outside your power to control, whether we are talking about pursuing women or just life in general, is completely pointless. So I am going to be very focused on identifying when I do things like this, and just cutting the thought process off at the start.

Warning shot fired. I will react accordingly. Besides working on the above, I am going to cut off fantasy 100% again, have drifted the last few days, as evidenced by the MO series. That will also be cut off now.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
I like that you're noticing the patterns here @logicprox, nice!
logicprox said:
Of course getting scared is good sometimes, it can keep me on track. I think the most important thing is I learned a lesson here that needed to be learned. I do this a lot. Get fixated on some unobtainable girl and get frustrated about some “unfair” reason I can’t obtain her.
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Good point. I think this is why I always harp on about porn not JUST being only an addiction like alcohol or something, because it's intermixed with our own sexuality, and everything good and bad that comes with that. Obviously, it's only natural to think what you thought yesterday, and well, she's a real woman so that's great, however, at this point in the game, if it's leading you back to that old familiar road, then you have to do what you have to do, no exceptions. And as you said, if it's not going to come into fruition, it's pointless to be dwelling on it anyway.
logicprox said:
Warning shot fired. I will react accordingly. Besides working on the above, I am going to cut off fantasy 100% again, have drifted the last few days, as evidenced by the MO series. That will also be cut off now.
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You got this, just stay focused and you'll push through.

I'm not surprised the universe threw this shit at you right before crossing your big goal. :cool: I don't really believe in that kind of stuff, however, it does seem to happen sometimes!

Best
 
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logicprox

Well-Known Member
Blondie said:
I like that you're noticing the patterns here @logicprox, nice!

Good point. I think this is why I always harp on about porn not JUST being only an addiction like alcohol or something, because it's intermixed with our own sexuality, and everything good and bad that comes with that. Obviously, it's only natural to think what you thought yesterday, and well, she's a real woman so that's great, however, at this point in the game, if it's leading you back to that old familiar road, then you have to do what you have to do, no exceptions. And as you said, if it's not going to come into fruition, it's pointless to be dwelling on it anyway.

You got this, just stay focused and you'll push through.

I'm not surprised the universe threw this shit at you right before crossing your big goal. :cool: I don't really believe in that kind of stuff, however, it does seem to happen sometimes!

Best
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Yeah I mean I think it’s totally natural to find something like that frustrating, but it highlights something I have been thinking a lot about lately, both within and without of the context of porn.

There are two type of problems/challenges/frustrations. The type you have the power to change and the type you don’t. There is no point in thinking about the ones you can’t. Move on to what you can control.

Then within the type you have the power to change, there is the question of “will you” do something to change it. If the answer is yes, then get thinking about how to do it and act (or plan out the when and how). If the answer is no, then again it’s time to move on.

Whether or not it’s true that there was nothing I could do about that girl, I knew I wasn’t going to. So time to move on.

Next time I will be wiser.
 
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logicprox

Well-Known Member
87 days.

In my Ironman training, up until a couple of weeks ago, I was having a lot of trouble building swimming distance. It wasn't an issue of muscular endurance, it was poor breathing technique leading to a feeling of being out of breath and fear of running out. The half Ironman distance is 1900 meters (83 laps in a 25 yard pool) and the full is 3800 (166 laps). I was having trouble going more than 8 laps without stopping to regain my breath.

Then a couple weeks ago I really started to practice mindfulness with my swimming technique, just focusing on breathing out in the water and the movement of my arms. I hit 30 laps out of nowhere. Then 72 in next session. Yesterday I did 100.

Yesterday I actually had had no intention to do that, I was just going to do like 30 and then do some sprints and call it a day but when I reached 30 I decided to keep going. Then i decided that at every multiple of 10 I would just make a decision of whether to do 10 more by either putting my feet on the floor or just doing my turn and continuing. Put it out of my mind until I finished each 10. I happened to have a few moments around 50 or 60 where I started to think about the 100 lap threshold but every time I did I started to lose my focus and have some breathing issues creep in so I put it out of my mind and just focused on breathing, moving my arms, and the 10 laps I was on. The breathing issues went away.

Next thing I knew I had hit 100.

I mention this only because it's surprisingly relevant to my addiction to PMO, or at least to the root causes. I have spent my whole life looking way too far out towards my goals, and forgetting to focus on my "breathing". Sure, I need a goal to aim for, but you can't just pick a goal out on the horizon and think you will magically achieve it. You have to do the boring, routine, day by day work to get there. You have to course correct. Otherwise it's just day dreaming. And I guess I have done a lot of day dreaming.

All this day dreaming, all this taking big swings at things without properly preparing, has led to a lot of nothing. A lot of nothing is a little frustrating, a little sad, a little boring. But PMO seemed to dull all of that. Actually it DID dull it. It also stopped me from dealing with it.

Even beating PMO itself became a lot of day dreaming. Thinking about the way out on the horizon goal of being off PMO. But it's just day by day breathing, moving my arms. 10 laps at a time. And suddenly you are there.
 
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logicprox

Well-Known Member
90 days.

As I've been working on changing a lot of things, there are days that I honestly don't do so well at the new habits I am trying to develop. There's a pretty strong tendency to say "well I guess I just can't change that after all" when that occurs. Especially when it happens on consecutive days. I think that's been a problem for me a long time, it's just more obvious now that I'm trying in a more organized and cohesive way to make big changes.

But of course that's a nonsensical way to think about it. For anyone who has ever learned an instrument, or a sport, or any skill, you'll know that that is not how it works at all. i remember learning to play guitar and how many times I had to try to make the transition from one chord to another fast enough to be useful in a songs before it became natural. Some attempts were successful, others utter failures. But the failures didn't matter, remembering how the successes felt to my fingers and in my brain and then repeatedly trying to replicate that did. Eventually, the successes became more common and the failures less so.

Now it's entirely instinctive. I don't think about it at all. Failures essentially never occur in those basic aspects now. Every other aspect of learning the guitar, including learning new and more challenging songs today, is the same.

Changing life habits is also the same. There are some successes, but early on likely lots of failures. The failures don't matter. Remembering how the successes felt and continuing to try to replicate those every day matters, and as long as I continue to try, eventually the successes will replace the failures.
 
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logicprox

Well-Known Member
98 days.

Noticed over last couple of weeks I've been slightly less rigorous in avoiding fantasy. Not an all the time thing, but turning that around again before it becomes an issue.

Otherwise PMO recovery is going great. Last night I was sort of startled to remember at one moment that at the end of long, busy work week, after I exhausted what was left of my mental energy on music, I used to routinely PMO. I found myself truly incredulously, out loud, asking myself "why?". What was ever the point in that?

I'm not letting my guard down, there are definitely more battles to be fought. But I feel like I am winning the porn fight more than at any point since I started.
 
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