It has been a long time since my husband and I had D day. I can still feel the shock I felt that day. My reactions and feelings and emotions were not what I expected to have. My husband and I watched some together. Laughed a lot at Real Sex on HBO. I was not a prude that had hang ups at all in what we did sex wise. I thought we were solid. I thought we were each other’s soul mate. I was able to tell him anything. He had my back. As I learned about his use, I looked back on us. I know many who use disagree with my next statement, but he changed. He treated me different, he treated our sons very different and seemed to live inside his head. No talking and no laughing and no joking around. The kids noticed and asked what was wrong. I remember thinking about it, and realizing that sex was not happening, I wondered is this what getting old is like? We are roommates?
Nothing prepared me for the wave of emotion and betrayal I felt. I waited my whole life for someone I could share all my secrets with. And then he used them as his excuse for watching. Every single insecurity. This was not the man I married. We were 25 years into our marriage. The change in him was drip by drip. How did we get to this? Then I felt shame, how could I talk to someone, even a friend and tell them I was not good enough for my husband? He preferred his hand and a screen to me? And I was so angry, he totally changed our sex life with out a conversation with me. He made it non- existent. I had to verbally ask for sex.
Then I started looking for why. He would not talk at all. He was indeed living in his head. I had no self esteem, I was a wreck. I quite literally wanted to die. I had shared with him my abusive life and he was my anchor, something I had never had and he was not that.
I started looking to the internet and went to Your Brain Rebalanced. I had the same name there. And I talked to the men. I asked questions, shared my pain. They shared back. It helped more than they could imagine. It started getting a little Wild West there. Gabe started this forum and invited me at the beginning and I have been here ever since.
My husband and I are solid. He now senses when I have “a moment” a random insecurity that pops up. And he checks in. I still am not the same self assured person in my marriage or work I once was. I now know that as quick as I can say “poof” it could be over. What keeps me going is I love him and he loves me. During the hard days of healing we would talk, and the first words we said out loud were “I’m not going anywhere” every time.
The hard thing for every partner in whatever relationship status they are in is the What the hell and why the hell. This happened, we stayed the same, and we did not see it coming. Then our vow is You will never sneak this disrespect up on me ever again. We will be vigilant forever. No we do not come and comment every day. Why? We are not stopping addictive behavior, we are not counting days. We as SOs for the most part are trying to get us, you and our relationship through this. It is exhausting. But if we are here commenting and writing or ranting and raving. We are just wanting back what we had or thought we had in the beginning. We want you back. My purpose here is not unlike Gabe’s reason for starting this forum. To let people know about porn addiction and its far reaching effects not just on the addict but the people they are close to as well.
This is quite long....thanks for reading. Hopes it helps someone.....
Gracie
Nothing prepared me for the wave of emotion and betrayal I felt. I waited my whole life for someone I could share all my secrets with. And then he used them as his excuse for watching. Every single insecurity. This was not the man I married. We were 25 years into our marriage. The change in him was drip by drip. How did we get to this? Then I felt shame, how could I talk to someone, even a friend and tell them I was not good enough for my husband? He preferred his hand and a screen to me? And I was so angry, he totally changed our sex life with out a conversation with me. He made it non- existent. I had to verbally ask for sex.
Then I started looking for why. He would not talk at all. He was indeed living in his head. I had no self esteem, I was a wreck. I quite literally wanted to die. I had shared with him my abusive life and he was my anchor, something I had never had and he was not that.
I started looking to the internet and went to Your Brain Rebalanced. I had the same name there. And I talked to the men. I asked questions, shared my pain. They shared back. It helped more than they could imagine. It started getting a little Wild West there. Gabe started this forum and invited me at the beginning and I have been here ever since.
My husband and I are solid. He now senses when I have “a moment” a random insecurity that pops up. And he checks in. I still am not the same self assured person in my marriage or work I once was. I now know that as quick as I can say “poof” it could be over. What keeps me going is I love him and he loves me. During the hard days of healing we would talk, and the first words we said out loud were “I’m not going anywhere” every time.
The hard thing for every partner in whatever relationship status they are in is the What the hell and why the hell. This happened, we stayed the same, and we did not see it coming. Then our vow is You will never sneak this disrespect up on me ever again. We will be vigilant forever. No we do not come and comment every day. Why? We are not stopping addictive behavior, we are not counting days. We as SOs for the most part are trying to get us, you and our relationship through this. It is exhausting. But if we are here commenting and writing or ranting and raving. We are just wanting back what we had or thought we had in the beginning. We want you back. My purpose here is not unlike Gabe’s reason for starting this forum. To let people know about porn addiction and its far reaching effects not just on the addict but the people they are close to as well.
This is quite long....thanks for reading. Hopes it helps someone.....
Gracie