Reflecting back on 10 1/2 years

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
It has been a long time since my husband and I had D day. I can still feel the shock I felt that day. My reactions and feelings and emotions were not what I expected to have. My husband and I watched some together. Laughed a lot at Real Sex on HBO. I was not a prude that had hang ups at all in what we did sex wise. I thought we were solid. I thought we were each other’s soul mate. I was able to tell him anything. He had my back. As I learned about his use, I looked back on us. I know many who use disagree with my next statement, but he changed. He treated me different, he treated our sons very different and seemed to live inside his head. No talking and no laughing and no joking around. The kids noticed and asked what was wrong. I remember thinking about it, and realizing that sex was not happening, I wondered is this what getting old is like? We are roommates?

Nothing prepared me for the wave of emotion and betrayal I felt. I waited my whole life for someone I could share all my secrets with. And then he used them as his excuse for watching. Every single insecurity. This was not the man I married. We were 25 years into our marriage. The change in him was drip by drip. How did we get to this? Then I felt shame, how could I talk to someone, even a friend and tell them I was not good enough for my husband? He preferred his hand and a screen to me? And I was so angry, he totally changed our sex life with out a conversation with me. He made it non- existent. I had to verbally ask for sex.

Then I started looking for why. He would not talk at all. He was indeed living in his head. I had no self esteem, I was a wreck. I quite literally wanted to die. I had shared with him my abusive life and he was my anchor, something I had never had and he was not that.
I started looking to the internet and went to Your Brain Rebalanced. I had the same name there. And I talked to the men. I asked questions, shared my pain. They shared back. It helped more than they could imagine. It started getting a little Wild West there. Gabe started this forum and invited me at the beginning and I have been here ever since.

My husband and I are solid. He now senses when I have “a moment” a random insecurity that pops up. And he checks in. I still am not the same self assured person in my marriage or work I once was. I now know that as quick as I can say “poof” it could be over. What keeps me going is I love him and he loves me. During the hard days of healing we would talk, and the first words we said out loud were “I’m not going anywhere” every time.

The hard thing for every partner in whatever relationship status they are in is the What the hell and why the hell. This happened, we stayed the same, and we did not see it coming. Then our vow is You will never sneak this disrespect up on me ever again. We will be vigilant forever. No we do not come and comment every day. Why? We are not stopping addictive behavior, we are not counting days. We as SOs for the most part are trying to get us, you and our relationship through this. It is exhausting. But if we are here commenting and writing or ranting and raving. We are just wanting back what we had or thought we had in the beginning. We want you back. My purpose here is not unlike Gabe’s reason for starting this forum. To let people know about porn addiction and its far reaching effects not just on the addict but the people they are close to as well.

This is quite long....thanks for reading. Hopes it helps someone.....

Gracie
 

ImBroken

Member
@Gracie - Thanks so much for always commenting and sharing on your journey. It has provided ME with a lot of guidance and helped me in moments when I needed some “invisible strength”. Being a SO to a porn addict/sex addict SUCKS - plain and simple. Though we are only at 100 days post D-Day - I’m still in a vapid state. The secrets, The material, the repetitiveness, the sexual deviance, the lies - may have been JUST TOO MUCH for me to deal with. The worst part was that when D-Day happened - the dam burst - shit just kept coming out about the addiction and I don’t think all of it is out. This addiction affected my spouse prior to us even meeting - and for 30 years, this disease took away the person that I thought I loved most in the world. I accepted things that I never thought I would accept. I resided in denial about certain things. I let my sense of self-worth be so depleted that I’m not sure it can be rebuilt to a level of personal acceptance for me.
My spouse has done an amazing job on HIS recovery - meetings, therapy, apologies, blah blah blah - but it has had little to no effect on me and my well-being. I lost a big part of myself on D-Day and it wasn’t him. What has changed is my perceptions - I don’t see the man I married and committed my life to. The lies were devastating lies - I don’t think I can get over that. The LOVE has changed immensely - the unconscious emotions associated with love that I had for him - are gone…now I see “the unfaithful partner” Every day - every time. Prior to D-Day - the marriage was never perfect - but most of it was great - it was ENOUGH for me - it even surpassed any expectations I had in life as an again gay man.
Now - He is apologetic, he pretty much walks on eggshells, he permits me all the time I need - to do whatever I want. He is desperate to remain married and in the relationship. Where I am at? I am NOT desperate to remain. I Don’t know if I want to remain together. I know that getting through this alive is going to take LOTS of time - at least I am prepared for this. His addiction changed my life - I can’t go backwards - I will never feel the same…about ANYTHING. For 4 months it lingers like a fucking cold. It just doesn’t go away.
I have finally accepted that his actions have caused a level of PTSD to me - I can intelligently admit that and stop denying it. He shattered the foundation we built anything on. The betrayal therapy has been incredibly helpful to me - that is what this is - an absolute betrayal - and I don’t know if there is any worse pain?
I’m stuck - I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I want to support his recovery - but I want to be happy for more than 15 minutes in a single week. Lots of options to consider - I wish I had a magic wand - but I don’t.
If there are any active addicts reading this that have a partner or a loved one - Stop rationalizing that you are not devastating your partner or family member to their very core. Your addiction is a fire that cannot be put out with water…it just blazes away and scorches the soul of your SO. I’m sure you have thought about your addiction and its effects on you - but if you are in a partnership with another - you have no idea the skull-fuckery you are doing to the one “you love”. Don’t mean to stand on soap box - but at age 55 - this is the only thing that has completely DEVASTATED me - made me question myself, my worth, my value, my appearance, my performance, my mind, my abilities to function and every single emotion known to mankind. So if you need motivation to STOP - there you have it - sure, do it for yourself - but if you are in a relationship with another - just be fucking HONEST.
To my fellow S.O.’s - each of our paths is so different - there are commonalities - but following D-Day - unasked for, we all are holding a hot potato and we are asked IMMEDIATELY what we should do with it. Its worse than Sophie’s Choice. I’m leaning into my faith - turning a lot over to God - and still, naively, waiting for a sign - something to tell me what to do…no signs yet - all I know is I deserve happiness in my life and I deserve to be loved the way I WANT TO BE LOVED.
For all the SO’s out there - my situation has not changed in about a month - haven’t felt the need to post or reach out - it is what it is right now. But please know - I do check the boards a couple times a week - I have stopped reading the addict boards - the stories are too painful and too depressing - the relapse stories - though incredibly sad - do not bode well for me as a spouse. If you are about to lose it - reach out - I will be there - as some of you have been for me. LIFE is for the LIVING and that is my only concern right now. I sooooooooooooooooo wish there were more resources for us SOs - but there aren’t - I have turned over every rock and attached myself to the few that there are.
Sorry if this is/was a downer - not in a pity party mood at all - bottom line - IT SUCKS - I never, ever would have done this to him. I can’t believe he took our marriage vows on our wedding day knowing of this addiction and I can’t believe he shattered so many of those vows. And no matter what any addict or addict in recovery says - how it is NOT about the spouse or significant other - it is….period. We as spouses/partners WERE NOT ENOUGH - you needed something else - supplementation - something else - something not real - and that need caused you to change, lie and inflict some pain that probably can never be undone. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
@ImBroken although we as SOs are all different, we are the same. The question I have gotten is am I normal, is it okay that I feel this way? And then when we read through the posts, the feelings expressed are the same. It is hard to explain, but I like you, would not wish this on anyone. And even through all the ones that troll SOs I still want to tell the partners their feelings are shared and let the addicts know it affects everything. And we have had some pretty bad trolls. Porn has the ability to manipulate an addict in to a mere shell of themselves. And I love the word skull-fuckery! So true. If what I have written over time helps just one, that is all I can hope for. At 70, I have lived a lot of life. But like you this fundamentally changed me.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
@ImBroken it always humbles me when I help someone. That means the walk I have been is not without purpose. For SOs there are not a lot of resources to access. And if there are any, there is a cost, and they very greatly. Is it co-dependence? Betrayal trauma? Depression? Bat shit crazy? Just as we as SOs do not understand the addict, no one understands us. The ones who do understand SOs are other SOs. Only other SOs under stand the pin ball machine thought bouncing around constantly. Is it us,? Why look for something else? Is looking at other naked bodies and people having sex that much better than human connection? Is it because we SOs have gotten older? Shouldn’t they have a look in the mirror? I know on D day and many days after, my husband had no empathy at all. Because he was angry at himself. What a load of BS. You are angry at you so you gaslight me into minuscule nothingness? I do not think therapists really have a clue unless they have experienced it. They may help make the path a little less cluttered as we move forward.
 

GumChewing

New Member
@Gracie - Thanks so much for always commenting and sharing on your journey. It has provided ME with a lot of guidance and helped me in moments when I needed some “invisible strength”. Being a SO to a porn addict/sex addict SUCKS - plain and simple. Though we are only at 100 days post D-Day - I’m still in a vapid state. The secrets, The material, the repetitiveness, the sexual deviance, the lies - may have been JUST TOO MUCH for me to deal with. The worst part was that when D-Day happened - the dam burst - shit just kept coming out about the addiction and I don’t think all of it is out. This addiction affected my spouse prior to us even meeting - and for 30 years, this disease took away the person that I thought I loved most in the world. I accepted things that I never thought I would accept. I resided in denial about certain things. I let my sense of self-worth be so depleted that I’m not sure it can be rebuilt to a level of personal acceptance for me.
My spouse has done an amazing job on HIS recovery - meetings, therapy, apologies, blah blah blah - but it has had little to no effect on me and my well-being. I lost a big part of myself on D-Day and it wasn’t him. What has changed is my perceptions - I don’t see the man I married and committed my life to. The lies were devastating lies - I don’t think I can get over that. The LOVE has changed immensely - the unconscious emotions associated with love that I had for him - are gone…now I see “the unfaithful partner” Every day - every time. Prior to D-Day - the marriage was never perfect - but most of it was great - it was ENOUGH for me - it even surpassed any expectations I had in life as an again gay man.
Now - He is apologetic, he pretty much walks on eggshells, he permits me all the time I need - to do whatever I want. He is desperate to remain married and in the relationship. Where I am at? I am NOT desperate to remain. I Don’t know if I want to remain together. I know that getting through this alive is going to take LOTS of time - at least I am prepared for this. His addiction changed my life - I can’t go backwards - I will never feel the same…about ANYTHING. For 4 months it lingers like a fucking cold. It just doesn’t go away.
I have finally accepted that his actions have caused a level of PTSD to me - I can intelligently admit that and stop denying it. He shattered the foundation we built anything on. The betrayal therapy has been incredibly helpful to me - that is what this is - an absolute betrayal - and I don’t know if there is any worse pain?
I’m stuck - I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I want to support his recovery - but I want to be happy for more than 15 minutes in a single week. Lots of options to consider - I wish I had a magic wand - but I don’t.
If there are any active addicts reading this that have a partner or a loved one - Stop rationalizing that you are not devastating your partner or family member to their very core. Your addiction is a fire that cannot be put out with water…it just blazes away and scorches the soul of your SO. I’m sure you have thought about your addiction and its effects on you - but if you are in a partnership with another - you have no idea the skull-fuckery you are doing to the one “you love”. Don’t mean to stand on soap box - but at age 55 - this is the only thing that has completely DEVASTATED me - made me question myself, my worth, my value, my appearance, my performance, my mind, my abilities to function and every single emotion known to mankind. So if you need motivation to STOP - there you have it - sure, do it for yourself - but if you are in a relationship with another - just be fucking HONEST.
To my fellow S.O.’s - each of our paths is so different - there are commonalities - but following D-Day - unasked for, we all are holding a hot potato and we are asked IMMEDIATELY what we should do with it. Its worse than Sophie’s Choice. I’m leaning into my faith - turning a lot over to God - and still, naively, waiting for a sign - something to tell me what to do…no signs yet - all I know is I deserve happiness in my life and I deserve to be loved the way I WANT TO BE LOVED.
For all the SO’s out there - my situation has not changed in about a month - haven’t felt the need to post or reach out - it is what it is right now. But please know - I do check the boards a couple times a week - I have stopped reading the addict boards - the stories are too painful and too depressing - the relapse stories - though incredibly sad - do not bode well for me as a spouse. If you are about to lose it - reach out - I will be there - as some of you have been for me. LIFE is for the LIVING and that is my only concern right now. I sooooooooooooooooo wish there were more resources for us SOs - but there aren’t - I have turned over every rock and attached myself to the few that there are.
Sorry if this is/was a downer - not in a pity party mood at all - bottom line - IT SUCKS - I never, ever would have done this to him. I can’t believe he took our marriage vows on our wedding day knowing of this addiction and I can’t believe he shattered so many of those vows. And no matter what any addict or addict in recovery says - how it is NOT about the spouse or significant other - it is….period. We as spouses/partners WERE NOT ENOUGH - you needed something else - supplementation - something else - something not real - and that need caused you to change, lie and inflict some pain that probably can never be undone. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
This is my first post. I am replying here because one thing you said summed up the entirety of my feelings for my male partner who is an addict: my perception of him has changed. The way that I see him as a man (we are a straight couple in our 50's), has shifted. I just don't see him the same way or what his role in my life can be moving forward.

We have been together 3.5 years but he lives apart from me due to his wanting to be alone with his addiction(s). Losing me in our condo wasn't enough. Losing me in his bed and at the dinner table and watching our favorite shows wasn't enough. We had a very robust sex life, which obviously goes without saying was not enough as now he doesn't have that either, but continues to stare at his screen instead of into my eyes. We have no kids, are not married and do not share finances. I feel frustrated and mad and confused, but the most troubling thing is the change in my perception of him.
Thank you for posting this as it really struck a chord with me. I was struggling to name the feeling before I read your post.
 

ImBroken

Member
@GumChewing - It definitely AIN’T easy for us. There seems to be very few silver linings - even if your partner was actively involved in his recovery - WE are still shaken and stirred. If I can offer any advice - focus on you - I really fought against being diagnosed with PTSD - But every time there was an issue with his addiction while he was active - it was a slap in the face, an unkind word and took a little piece of my soul. I have to get to a place where I am clear headed and confident in whether or not I want to continue in this marriage. Its an awful limbo I am living in right now - but I can still be supportive of him as a person…maybe not as a partner…I feel I owe him at least that, I would want the same…but yes, my perception of him is permanently altered. If you need any support - please reach out to one of us - you are not alone in your emotions.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
I let my sense of self-worth be so depleted that I’m not sure it can be rebuilt to a level of personal acceptance for me.
@ImBroken I’m always touched by your writing, but this statement struck a cord with me.
I also felt that way, but you can get it back, I promise you, I am slowly rebuilding myself, although it took the ending of the relationship for me to be able to do that.
I am not religious, but I am very spiritual and have turned my focus inward, spending my energy on meditating, yoga and manifesting.
My man had a sexual goddess, but I was made to feel like I wasn’t enough & too much all at the same time…… but now I say fuk that, it’s his loss😜
BTW: if that photo is you, you are a totally honey😉 you know your worth, so create the life and love you want & deserve.
 
Last edited:
Top