Am I the most severe, incurably bad case of PIED out there or am I delusional? Hear me out.

All apologies in advance for the "woe is me" type of rant I'm about to do, I know there's no shortage of those on these forums. Seems I am motivated to post only to describe the absolute depths of my despair, and how I believe I have it so bad (as we all do). I'll try not to fall into self pity and maintain some semblance of self awareness. Do pass this thread by if you're not in the mood to peer into some anonymous and rambling aguish.

I used to come to this forum a couple years ago to find some hope, soon after I learned about PIED. I was almost positive that was what was causing my inability to get erections. I was excited by the prospect of rebooting; I knew it wouldn't be easy, but the distant vision of a normal life kept me aloft in the darkest times.

I have now been at the process of rebooting for over 3 years now. I have been going pretty rigorously "hard mode", no P, no M. A couple slip ups in the first year, but now it has become easy. I have no serious urges to M, or watch P, and have been completely clean this last year. It hasn't been easy. Every day has felt like a test of my spirit.

Yet for all this effort, I do not feel cured to any degree, not one single percent. Honestly. I feel discouraged coming here, seeing people say they have recovered from their "severe" PIED, in 6 months, a year, two years. I see so many who have PIED describing how bad their case is, and yet they are still able to get erections with porn, or even partially with a partner. Yes, they are dysfunctional obviously, but there is the potential for normal functioning within them. I am not trying to dismiss how bad other people have it or compare misery. But to illustrate the degree of PIED I feel I'm experiencing: I do not get erections at all, whatsoever, not with a partner, not by myself, not with imagination, not in the night, not in the morning. The connect between mind and body feels totally numb, like I will never be truly aroused again. I feel no desire.

Maybe this sounds like a flatline to an observer, I honestly have never understood the concept of "flatline". It is described as a numbness and complete lack of function/desire that kicks in when a person reboots. A cold, limp dick which persists indefinitely until the flatline wanes. Ok, I understand that is the process and experience most people go through and describe with this journey. What I don't understand is that these descriptions of flatlining perfectly describe how I have felt since I first experienced PIED (8 years ago, as a teenager). This entire time. So when I started to reboot, there was no change in symptoms, no initial worsening followed by healing. There was no further rock bottom to hit. How could I experience the flatline numbness when I was already numb before I even started rebooting? How can my dick functioning get worse when it is already at 0 (no erections whatsoever)?

Basically, I have not experienced any kind of change, whether a drop into a flatline, or a gradual trend toward feeling cured. I started numb, miserable, sexless, unaroused and erectionless in the extreme. I don't believe I am exaggerating. And I think this description is just as accurate today as it was when I started rebooting. From what I've read here (and I sifted through a lot of threads on the various forums) it seems like even the most severe cases here can at least observe the process of their recovery, i.e. the flatline, the nocturnal erections, and some modest improvements over time which keep them going. I see no change. I believe I have been diligent in my reboot, and I have even made good strides in my career and personal life, and increased my social activity as I've rebooted. I've tried therapy on and off. I do believe I understand much more about myself than I did three years ago. I believe I'm a better person, and that I'm making a truly good and honest effort to better myself.

Yet nothing changes. I first experienced PIED when I was 17. I didn't learn about the possibility of rebooting until I was 22. Now I'm almost 26 and feel as completely sexually dysfunctional as when I was first hit with PIED. I still believe that porn induced erectile dysfunction is what is ailing me. I have ruled out, via urologists and bloodwork, the possibility of physical or hormonal impairments. I am an otherwise healthy young man with normal blood vessels and veins, normal T levels, and no diagnosable mental disorders.

I experienced an even further, nauseating despair when this month I tried the subscription based, online therapeutic program Mojo, whose stated goal is to help men with their ED, with an emphasis on the psychological aspect. They seem pretty legit and like they have helped many people conquer ED. I tried it because I know that in addition to the harm done by porn, I also have emotional/psychological barriers which are probably impeding my ability to get an erection. I was open to further exploring this possibility as I had mostly been focused on just the reboot to this point. Maybe I also need to change my self-perception, thought patterns, behaviors, cognitive structure, etc through a reflective and therapeutic approach. I still think we would all benefit from this. However, it all seemed totally irrelevant to my case and ended up making me feel worse about myself, and even more hopeless. For example, one chapter of the program focused on the inner critic in our head which causes sexual dysfunction, and how this can be counteracted with an inner coach. Very similar to methodologies and frameworks I had briefly experienced in therapy. The idea is to combat our inner critic, who is our worst enemy, by deconstructing its arguments against us, and showing how illogically cruel we can be to ourselves. Basically, the idea is to show yourself the same compassion you'd show to a friend, and you'll quickly realize how much more supportive and positive you'll be, and the negative thoughts (which are often not even based in reality, as we tend to beat ourselves up way too much). It is like stepping outside yourself to get a reality check. The goal is not just to have a more positive outlook, but to have a clearer and more honest image of yourself by treating yourself with kindness.

This is all great and I do agree with the approach. I believe everyone can benefit from this kind of thinking. And I was initially excited to see where it would take me. The problem came when I realized my inner critic was not illogical. Not at all. And the whole point of the exercise is to show yourself how ridiculous and wrong the inner critic is. The program would say something along the lines of:

The critic has a tendency to believe in "all or nothing" expectations. For example, when we do not perform exactly how we want in sex, our critic will tell us that we are a complete failure. If we lose our erection during sex, our critic will tell us that we will never get an erection again. The critic will also "mind read", that is, mislead you into thinking you know what others are thinking about you when it may not be the case at all. The mind-reading critic tells us that our partner will think we are failures if we do not satisfy them, that they will leave us if we do not perform. Let your inner coach respond to this critic, have the coach bring evidence to dismantle the critic's arguments.

You get the idea. The point is to disprove our illogical negative thoughts by being honest with ourselves. I'm sorry, but how the hell am I supposed to argue against the critic when everything they are saying actually is true? How can I disprove the "all or nothing" fallacy when I quite literally have no sexual capacity at all, full stop. I haven't had an organic erection in years. My sex drive is simply gone. This isn't the critic talking, this is a fact. If it were the case that the critic were misleading me, surely I would at least get morning wood, or have some arousal in my most relaxed moments, when I am not beating myself up. But that's not how it is. I have nothing. No drive, no desire, no erections, no chance in hell at sex. No exceptions. It quickly became apparent that the entire program was irrelevant to me, even if it is helping others. I seem to be so much worse off than some that I cannot combat my ED with this kind of therapy, which aims to see yourself clearer without the fog of self-criticism. I can put all the distance I want between me and my critic, but even an outside observer would see that the thoughts I have about myself are true, right?

How in the world can I maintain hope for a cure when it seems I am at 100% dysfunction with no improvement over long stretches of time? Am I in fact delusional and there I am not some exceptional case? Am I truly just being too harsh on myself? I believe fully that I am assessing myself objectively and fairly. And if that is the case, then there is no cure for me. And that is my absolute worst nightmare. If there is no cure, there is truly no point to living. I cannot see a way around it.

As you can see I've ranted myself into quite a bad mood, so I should probably wrap up here. Congrats if you made it through. I think the posts I make always end up as attempts to self-therapize, so maybe it is best that this is long and likely unreadable. I'm not proofreading. Anyway, I appreciate any and all support. I truly hope you are all making better strides in your recovery than I am. Best of luck to everyone. Peace and love. And do love yourself.
 

Alb1234

New Member
All apologies in advance for the "woe is me" type of rant I'm about to do, I know there's no shortage of those on these forums. Seems I am motivated to post only to describe the absolute depths of my despair, and how I believe I have it so bad (as we all do). I'll try not to fall into self pity and maintain some semblance of self awareness. Do pass this thread by if you're not in the mood to peer into some anonymous and rambling aguish.

I used to come to this forum a couple years ago to find some hope, soon after I learned about PIED. I was almost positive that was what was causing my inability to get erections. I was excited by the prospect of rebooting; I knew it wouldn't be easy, but the distant vision of a normal life kept me aloft in the darkest times.

I have now been at the process of rebooting for over 3 years now. I have been going pretty rigorously "hard mode", no P, no M. A couple slip ups in the first year, but now it has become easy. I have no serious urges to M, or watch P, and have been completely clean this last year. It hasn't been easy. Every day has felt like a test of my spirit.

Yet for all this effort, I do not feel cured to any degree, not one single percent. Honestly. I feel discouraged coming here, seeing people say they have recovered from their "severe" PIED, in 6 months, a year, two years. I see so many who have PIED describing how bad their case is, and yet they are still able to get erections with porn, or even partially with a partner. Yes, they are dysfunctional obviously, but there is the potential for normal functioning within them. I am not trying to dismiss how bad other people have it or compare misery. But to illustrate the degree of PIED I feel I'm experiencing: I do not get erections at all, whatsoever, not with a partner, not by myself, not with imagination, not in the night, not in the morning. The connect between mind and body feels totally numb, like I will never be truly aroused again. I feel no desire.

Maybe this sounds like a flatline to an observer, I honestly have never understood the concept of "flatline". It is described as a numbness and complete lack of function/desire that kicks in when a person reboots. A cold, limp dick which persists indefinitely until the flatline wanes. Ok, I understand that is the process and experience most people go through and describe with this journey. What I don't understand is that these descriptions of flatlining perfectly describe how I have felt since I first experienced PIED (8 years ago, as a teenager). This entire time. So when I started to reboot, there was no change in symptoms, no initial worsening followed by healing. There was no further rock bottom to hit. How could I experience the flatline numbness when I was already numb before I even started rebooting? How can my dick functioning get worse when it is already at 0 (no erections whatsoever)?

Basically, I have not experienced any kind of change, whether a drop into a flatline, or a gradual trend toward feeling cured. I started numb, miserable, sexless, unaroused and erectionless in the extreme. I don't believe I am exaggerating. And I think this description is just as accurate today as it was when I started rebooting. From what I've read here (and I sifted through a lot of threads on the various forums) it seems like even the most severe cases here can at least observe the process of their recovery, i.e. the flatline, the nocturnal erections, and some modest improvements over time which keep them going. I see no change. I believe I have been diligent in my reboot, and I have even made good strides in my career and personal life, and increased my social activity as I've rebooted. I've tried therapy on and off. I do believe I understand much more about myself than I did three years ago. I believe I'm a better person, and that I'm making a truly good and honest effort to better myself.

Yet nothing changes. I first experienced PIED when I was 17. I didn't learn about the possibility of rebooting until I was 22. Now I'm almost 26 and feel as completely sexually dysfunctional as when I was first hit with PIED. I still believe that porn induced erectile dysfunction is what is ailing me. I have ruled out, via urologists and bloodwork, the possibility of physical or hormonal impairments. I am an otherwise healthy young man with normal blood vessels and veins, normal T levels, and no diagnosable mental disorders.

I experienced an even further, nauseating despair when this month I tried the subscription based, online therapeutic program Mojo, whose stated goal is to help men with their ED, with an emphasis on the psychological aspect. They seem pretty legit and like they have helped many people conquer ED. I tried it because I know that in addition to the harm done by porn, I also have emotional/psychological barriers which are probably impeding my ability to get an erection. I was open to further exploring this possibility as I had mostly been focused on just the reboot to this point. Maybe I also need to change my self-perception, thought patterns, behaviors, cognitive structure, etc through a reflective and therapeutic approach. I still think we would all benefit from this. However, it all seemed totally irrelevant to my case and ended up making me feel worse about myself, and even more hopeless. For example, one chapter of the program focused on the inner critic in our head which causes sexual dysfunction, and how this can be counteracted with an inner coach. Very similar to methodologies and frameworks I had briefly experienced in therapy. The idea is to combat our inner critic, who is our worst enemy, by deconstructing its arguments against us, and showing how illogically cruel we can be to ourselves. Basically, the idea is to show yourself the same compassion you'd show to a friend, and you'll quickly realize how much more supportive and positive you'll be, and the negative thoughts (which are often not even based in reality, as we tend to beat ourselves up way too much). It is like stepping outside yourself to get a reality check. The goal is not just to have a more positive outlook, but to have a clearer and more honest image of yourself by treating yourself with kindness.

This is all great and I do agree with the approach. I believe everyone can benefit from this kind of thinking. And I was initially excited to see where it would take me. The problem came when I realized my inner critic was not illogical. Not at all. And the whole point of the exercise is to show yourself how ridiculous and wrong the inner critic is. The program would say something along the lines of:

The critic has a tendency to believe in "all or nothing" expectations. For example, when we do not perform exactly how we want in sex, our critic will tell us that we are a complete failure. If we lose our erection during sex, our critic will tell us that we will never get an erection again. The critic will also "mind read", that is, mislead you into thinking you know what others are thinking about you when it may not be the case at all. The mind-reading critic tells us that our partner will think we are failures if we do not satisfy them, that they will leave us if we do not perform. Let your inner coach respond to this critic, have the coach bring evidence to dismantle the critic's arguments.

You get the idea. The point is to disprove our illogical negative thoughts by being honest with ourselves. I'm sorry, but how the hell am I supposed to argue against the critic when everything they are saying actually is true? How can I disprove the "all or nothing" fallacy when I quite literally have no sexual capacity at all, full stop. I haven't had an organic erection in years. My sex drive is simply gone. This isn't the critic talking, this is a fact. If it were the case that the critic were misleading me, surely I would at least get morning wood, or have some arousal in my most relaxed moments, when I am not beating myself up. But that's not how it is. I have nothing. No drive, no desire, no erections, no chance in hell at sex. No exceptions. It quickly became apparent that the entire program was irrelevant to me, even if it is helping others. I seem to be so much worse off than some that I cannot combat my ED with this kind of therapy, which aims to see yourself clearer without the fog of self-criticism. I can put all the distance I want between me and my critic, but even an outside observer would see that the thoughts I have about myself are true, right?

¿Cómo diablos puedo mantener la esperanza de una cura cuando parece que estoy en un 100% de disfunción sin ninguna mejora durante largos períodos de tiempo? ¿Estoy delirando de hecho y no soy un caso excepcional? ¿Realmente estoy siendo demasiado duro conmigo mismo? Creo plenamente que me estoy evaluando de manera objetiva y justa. Y si ese es el caso, entonces no hay cura para mí. Y esa es mi peor pesadilla absoluta. Si no hay cura, realmente no tiene sentido vivir. No puedo ver una forma de evitarlo.

Como puede ver, me he puesto de muy mal humor, así que probablemente debería terminar aquí. Felicidades si lo lograste. Creo que las publicaciones que hago siempre terminan como intentos de autoterapia, así que tal vez sea mejor que esto sea largo y probablemente ilegible. No estoy revisando. De todos modos, agradezco cualquier y todo apoyo. Realmente espero que todos estén progresando más en su recuperación que yo. Mucha suerte a todos. Paz y amor. Y ámate a ti mismo.
Creo que deberías ir a un doctor, pues tu disfuncion erectil puede ser física y no psicologica
 
Creo que deberías ir a un doctor, pues tu disfuncion erectil puede ser física y no psicologica
Thanks for the advice, but I have been to several doctors about this over the years. They have run various tests. Bloodwork, vascular system, etc. Always they conclude that the issue is not physical but psychological.
 

Relentless Observer

Active Member
I had symptoms starting at 20 (that I noticed). Continued PMO despite decreasing erectile strength and ever greater difficulty getting and maintaining erection. At 23 I started my reboot journey. I was never able to make it more than 90 days in a row without relapse, but I went 5 years without P. At age 26 I got a girlfriend and over time we were able to have some sexual experiences and while they were good, they never felt "normal." At least, not like before my PIED. However, i broke up with my girlfriend at 28 and soon after, having despair about feeling lonely and wondering if my ED was really PIED I started watching some P. Despite having essentially no response, I PMO'ed twice. Then, I entered into a severe flatline and it feels as though I have not made any progress since I started this journey at 23. However, it does make me appreciate that I really had made quite some progress (enough to penetrate several times a week, despite hard to maintain or get the erection). Now, though, the flatline is back and i have been struggling mightily. I think it is time to try true Hard Mode and go no PMO period...until my morning wood is back and I have full erections during the day too. It sucks, but I feel I have essentially lost all my 20s to this curse of PIED. However, if I start now, maybe I can have a "normal" 30s.
- You aren't the only one suffering. I wish you the best of luck.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Hi guys,
Sorry about your predicament.

Agreed on zero P, M and O.
However not much is said about life activities.

What are you eating?
What's your BMI?
Are you active in sports?
Are you sleeping good hours?
Are you socializing?
Are you going out often instead of glued to the screen?
Do you have pets or friends and get to laugh alot?
Are there activities that keep you interested and excited about life?
Are you happy?
Do you feel loved, optimistic and motivated about tomorrow?

These are the psychological questions you need to answer well. If not, find a way until you can say yes to most of the above.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
There are lots of recovery stories on YourBrainOnPorn. Search for "PIED."
 

Artemus

Active Member
I feel for you dude, I really do. Look I know you've seen some doctors and that you say your bloodwork is good, but PIED is kinda a new deal, many doctors still won't admit it even exists, much less treat it. I follow a doctor on youtube named Dr Rachel Ross, she use to be a part of that show the doctors. Well anyway she started her own channel and helps guys of all ages regain their wood. I'm sure you know its a scientific fact that Porn causes changes and damage to the brain, we build un-natural neural pathways and get ourselves all messed up. I'm not saying I know for sure she can help you, but I think she might. Not getting a boner when you want or need to is tough on any man and after a few failures to launch its not hard to see how a dude might inadvertently train himself to expect a failure and setup a loop. You may just need to retrain your brain on how and when to get hard. I've been using a recommended pump and supplements, as well as changing my diet and adding some exercise. For so many years I used lust & porn to deal with depression, loneliness and frustration, I fantasized all the time, so when I cut it out and actively shut down encroaching sexual thoughts I noticed a drop in my ability to get an erection or stay hard.

You say your honest with yourself, but reading your post its easy to see your are still very hard on yourself too. If you start from a place of negativity or disbelief, you won't get hard, this I can promise you. As and far as the lack of libido that goes hand in hand with the negative loop I mentioned earlier. I think you just need to retrain your brain to get hard and to let yourself be okay with it. Check out Dr Rachel Ross

 
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