Clouds and Dirt

DAY 2

Hey Everyone,

I'm 25 years old and started watching porn around 10 on my first PSP (remember those?). I've had a few good relationships but they all in SOME way have been affected by porn and PIED. Either I'd limp-dick a girl, or I'd have to think about one my favorite porn videos to get hard, stuff like that. Anyway, this journal is really just for short daily updates while I reboot for 120 days.

I've been trying to quit porn for almost 2 years now, but have always tried to rely on willpower and mental strength. This time, I'm trying something new that should theoretically make it impossible to relapse. I've locked my computer and phone so aggressively that I literally can't access porn on them. Even if I wanted to (which I don't) I'm not even sure how I'd do it. I've also blocked any and everything that tends to lead to triggers. This includes Reddit, Instagram, even Youtube. I've also given the chargers to other devices like my PlayStation and old PSP (it still works lol) to a friend, so I can't use them to relapse.

This may seem like overkill, but I'm not messing around this time haha. I figure it's impossible to relapse if I make it impossible to get to the porn, right? Plus, I also want a break from screens and social media in general so this will help with that too. I'm writing this journal because I've heard it helps, and I'll take all the help I can get.

-Clouds and Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 
Day 3

Made it to day 3. Personally, I know I won't REALLY start feeling urges until around the 1 week mark. I will say though, the first few days of a streak are by far my least favorite because the days feel sooooo long. It's like you don't realize how long a day is until you start counting them. Plus, I don't really feel a sense of accomplishment in the early days because the urges aren't really there yet. This didn't use to be the case though, it used to be much harder to go even a few days without relapsing so I'm still grateful.

Once day 10 or so arrives, then every day starts to feel like an accomplishment, but until then... *shrugs*. On the bright side, this the last Day 3 I'll ever experience. One step at a time, right?

Anyways, I graduated recently so I'm currently spending my days job hunting, weight lifting, napping, and working on an animation project as a hobby. I have lots of free time which honestly isn't really a good thing when it comes to rebooting so I'm trying to keep busy to speed the days up.

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 
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Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Great job! Not overkill at all - really there is no such thing.

Doing 1% too little is devastating - doing 3x more then needed still leads to victory. I find going all in actually makes it easier...

Stay dedicated and keep up the good work!

I like that phrase clouds and dirt! I think I read about it in a Gary Vee book - is it from him? ( If not I'd be curious where else you have heard it as it is a great phrase and I imagine any source would be a good use of time to read/ listen to)
 
Great job! Not overkill at all - really there is no such thing.

Doing 1% too little is devastating - doing 3x more then needed still leads to victory. I find going all in actually makes it easier...

Stay dedicated and keep up the good work!

I like that phrase clouds and dirt! I think I read about it in a Gary Vee book - is it from him? ( If not I'd be curious where else you have heard it as it is a great phrase and I imagine any source would be a good use of time to read/ listen to)
Thanks! And yup, from GaryVee. I haven't read his books but I saw it in one of those little 1-minute motivational videos he does all the time and it resonated with me
 
Day 4 & 5

Day 4: Turns out the urges arrived earlier than expected. They hit me on day 4 and they hit hard. If my phone and computer weren't blocked I definitely would've relapsed on them. There is good news about today though, I found an accountability partner, so that's good

Day 5: I feel like I've spending a lot of time thinking about this reboot. Like, I'm constantly thinking about how I'm not gonna watch any porn today, which is backfiring. If someone says "Don't picture a pink zebra", you best believe your brain is gonna start picturing a pink zebra. Similarly, constantly thinking about not PMOing is actually making it difficult to not PMO. Anyone have any tips on how to not to think about the reboot? Ideally, unless I'm writing in this journal, I want to completely forget I'm even trying to reboot.
I know the typical advice is to keep busy, work out, practice a hobby, etc, but I'm moreso talking about those moments where your mind wanders around. Like in the shower, while eating, about to sleep, etc.

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 

Jochen999

Member
Day 4 & 5

Day 4: Turns out the urges arrived earlier than expected. They hit me on day 4 and they hit hard. If my phone and computer weren't blocked I definitely would've relapsed on them. There is good news about today though, I found an accountability partner, so that's good

Day 5: I feel like I've spending a lot of time thinking about this reboot. Like, I'm constantly thinking about how I'm not gonna watch any porn today, which is backfiring. If someone says "Don't picture a pink zebra", you best believe your brain is gonna start picturing a pink zebra. Similarly, constantly thinking about not PMOing is actually making it difficult to not PMO. Anyone have any tips on how to not to think about the reboot? Ideally, unless I'm writing in this journal, I want to completely forget I'm even trying to reboot.
I know the typical advice is to keep busy, work out, practice a hobby, etc, but I'm moreso talking about those moments where your mind wanders around. Like in the shower, while eating, about to sleep, etc.

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
hey,

glad to hear your precautions are working. Your description reminds me of the saying "where your focus goes your energy flows". I have also thought about how to deal with this. And I will increase the cycles in which I share my experiences here as soon as I have the craving under control. This means that in the long term I will only report once a week, for example, so that I don't have to constantly remind myself to reboot. Have you tried meditation? It might help you to deal with your thoughts better.

keep it up!
 
Day 6, 7, & 8

Things are still going well. The worst thing that happened was on day 6, I found a "gap" in my blocking and managed to get to some triggering pictures, but I closed them and blocked that "gap" after a couple of minutes.

I've found it helps for me to stop all internal dialogue that has to do with rebooting, whether positive or negative. So if I find myself fantasizing about some girl, I cut those thoughts short and think about something else. Also, if I find myself thinking about how good things will be when I hit day 14, day 30, day 90, etc, I cut those thoughts short as well. In one way or another, thinking about rebooting only invites urges (for me), so I am making a conscious effort NOT to think about it. Not gonna lie it's hard, but I found a "trick" that seems to work well. Chess.com let's you play chess online live against other people, so if I find myself getting urges, I just fire up a game of chess. Takes my mind right off of the urges since chess demands so much focus.

I've also started trying to clump several days together in my journaling. If I'm writing about rebooting everyday, then I pay extra close attention to it, so I can write about it later. I think spacing out my updates allows me to "forget" that I'm rebooting for a while. I won't stop updating though, the extra accountability and feelings of "I'm not alone in this" are very helpful.

Anyway, outside of rebooting, I've been going to the gym and applying for jobs. Had my first interview on Day 6. Since I blocked my phone and computer so hard, I don't really have access to most of my old sources of entertainment, so I've picked up reading. With that said, I finished a really good book last night.

Oh, last thing worth sharing, I found a big dose of inspiration from an unexpected place. I was watching a video on YouTube about how creative people employ "dedicated practice" to hone their craft, like how an athlete is constantly training. It was comparing the mindsets of Michael Jordan and J. Cole (who I really like). Anyway it showed a clip from an interview where J. Cole talked about having a drinking problem. He said he'd go out and try not to drink, but he'd feel that "pull". But he said every time he felt that pull and told it "no" he felt stronger the next day. Idk, something about that, especially coming from someone I admire, made me feel better about this struggle with porn, and how in the end I'll be a stronger person.

Anyway, that's all my updates, I'll write again in a few days!

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 
Day 9-15

What did I do:

I have bad news. I honestly considered not even writing about this, but it's all part of the process. Long story short, I PMOd. I thought of a "loophole" that could potentially get around my blockers. I told myself that I should "protect myself" by testing these potential vulnerabilities (stupid I know). Anyway, I tested the loophole and sure enough it worked, but I didn't have the self-control in that moment to not PMO. I'm pretty disappointed in myself tbh, but I'm getting right back on the horse. I know that following a relapse, it's really easy to keep PMOing, but I know I need to just act like it never happened and keep pushing forward with this.

What did I learn:
While having strong blocking on my devices makes it harder to relapse, I can't use them as a replacement for self-control. I pretty much thought that I wouldn't have to exercise self control since it's "impossible" for me to get to the porn anyways. As a result, I wouldn't really stop myself from "testing" the blockers.

What will I do differently:
While I am still using the blockers, I will shift my focus back to self-control. The blockers are there for my safety, but I can't solely rely on them to get through this. I will never "test" my blockers again.

I also will be writing in this journal daily, without fail. Taking multi-day breaks from journaling helps with "forgetting" about my reboot (which is good), but it also allows me to forget the reason WHY I'm doing this (This is very bad). The pros massively outweigh the cons, so I won't be skipping a day from now on.

I considered starting a new journal, but I'm just gonna reset to day 1 inside this journal, so I can look back and see my own history and past mistakes.
 
Day 2

No problems today. I don't really expect any particularly powerful urges until around Day 7 but I'm still being careful about what thoughts I let my mind rest upon. During my last streak, I would sometimes let my mind wander around in sexual fantasy. It's not porn so what's the harm, right? Well, the problem is that in my porn-addicted mind, sexual pleasure and porn are wrapped together in one package. So if I let myself fantasize, it subconsciously makes me crave porn more. Fantasizing only makes the reboot harder. Hopefully that makes sense lol.

Anyway, been hitting the gym hard and working on some creative projects. Looking forward to reaching double digit days again.

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Day 9-15

What did I do:

I have bad news. I honestly considered not even writing about this, but it's all part of the process. Long story short, I PMOd. I thought of a "loophole" that could potentially get around my blockers. I told myself that I should "protect myself" by testing these potential vulnerabilities (stupid I know). Anyway, I tested the loophole and sure enough it worked, but I didn't have the self-control in that moment to not PMO. I'm pretty disappointed in myself tbh, but I'm getting right back on the horse. I know that following a relapse, it's really easy to keep PMOing, but I know I need to just act like it never happened and keep pushing forward with this.

What did I learn:
While having strong blocking on my devices makes it harder to relapse, I can't use them as a replacement for self-control. I pretty much thought that I wouldn't have to exercise self control since it's "impossible" for me to get to the porn anyways. As a result, I wouldn't really stop myself from "testing" the blockers.

What will I do differently:
While I am still using the blockers, I will shift my focus back to self-control. The blockers are there for my safety, but I can't solely rely on them to get through this. I will never "test" my blockers again.

I also will be writing in this journal daily, without fail. Taking multi-day breaks from journaling helps with "forgetting" about my reboot (which is good), but it also allows me to forget the reason WHY I'm doing this (This is very bad). The pros massively outweigh the cons, so I won't be skipping a day from now on.

I considered starting a new journal, but I'm just gonna reset to day 1 inside this journal, so I can look back and see my own history and past mistakes.
Relapsing sucks, I´m dealing with it right now!

But it doesn´t whipe out the progress you´ve made so far, and it can help you see what you can do differently, that´s what I´m trying to keep in mind for myself, and I think is true.

Also, I´m reading some post, and I find comforting the idea that this is not supposed to be easy; is difficult to quit an addiction and it requires some pain and effort, and that that´s okay. If it´s not easy it means it´s working and we are going in the right direction. I find that helps me when is hard to commit to my recovery.

Cheers, and good luck!
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Day 2

No problems today. I don't really expect any particularly powerful urges until around Day 7 but I'm still being careful about what thoughts I let my mind rest upon. During my last streak, I would sometimes let my mind wander around in sexual fantasy. It's not porn so what's the harm, right? Well, the problem is that in my porn-addicted mind, sexual pleasure and porn are wrapped together in one package. So if I let myself fantasize, it subconsciously makes me crave porn more. Fantasizing only makes the reboot harder. Hopefully that makes sense lol.

Anyway, been hitting the gym hard and working on some creative projects. Looking forward to reaching double digit days again.

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
Exactly my experience with fantasies!
 
Relapsing sucks, I´m dealing with it right now!

But it doesn´t whipe out the progress you´ve made so far, and it can help you see what you can do differently, that´s what I´m trying to keep in mind for myself, and I think is true.

Also, I´m reading some post, and I find comforting the idea that this is not supposed to be easy; is difficult to quit an addiction and it requires some pain and effort, and that that´s okay. If it´s not easy it means it´s working and we are going in the right direction. I find that helps me when is hard to commit to my recovery.

Cheers, and good luck!
I like that way of thinking, thanks! I think it'll help during the times when it gets really difficult
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Well done getting back on the horse quickly.

Something I have learned is urges are inevitable - so having plans to handle them is good. Like you playing chess - but sometimes going for a walk during the strong one helps .

I like to think of urges as a battle - literally I am weakening the addiction, weakening the wiring of the addiction.


I sometimes picture just like decimation with all sorts of weapons - it can even make it fun.
 
Well done getting back on the horse quickly.

Something I have learned is urges are inevitable - so having plans to handle them is good. Like you playing chess - but sometimes going for a walk during the strong one helps .

I like to think of urges as a battle - literally I am weakening the addiction, weakening the wiring of the addiction.


I sometimes picture just like decimation with all sorts of weapons - it can even make it fun.
That's an interesting way to spin things. It's like every urge is an opportunity to weaken the addiction
 
Day 3

Pretty smooth today. No urges I couldn't easily fight away. I did find myself constantly thinking about the fact that I'm rebooting, though. I experienced this during my last attempt too at first. Anyway, nothing interesting today reboot-wise, which is exactly how I like it.

1 day at a time

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 
Day 4

So something pretty weird happened this morning. I had a wet dream and O'd. The O woke me up, and then like 10 seconds later my alarm went off lol. I know that wet dreams don't count as PMO so I'm not resetting my days. The dream wasn't really "porny" so I didn't wake up feeling ashamed about what I'd dreamed about.

Anyway, urges are getting stronger but still nothing I couldn't easily think away.
Looking forward to hitting 1 week again.

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 
Day 6

Nothing really to report today. Around the 1 week mark is when the urges start getting pretty strong for me, so I have to be careful these next few days. But yeah, no challenges today

-Clouds&Dirt
Clouds - Big dreams
Dirt - Hard work
 
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